controlled/watched?

LegacyUser

ive been in a relationship for seven months now with a girl who seems to have a couple of serious enough issues,recently i discovered my facebook and emails had been hacked,mainly because shes obsessed with my ex girlfriend.i cant leave my phone down without it being read either,and shes such a convincing liar i nearly believed her about not reading my phone and emails/facebook until i set a couple of traps just so i knew it was definately 100 per cent right even though i knew beforehand anyway. the ex is well in the past and lives in newcastle
in the uk,we live in dublin,i used to speak to her once a week via a text or a phone call as we didnt break on bad terms and we broke up well before i met my current girl,

im only noticing recently aswell im being subtley influenced in the vein of who i can and cant talk to,dont get me wrong,im no shrinking violet and would usually just say il talk to who i want etc,but its so subtle sometimes i wonder is it happening or am i off me head lol!

as a footnote,she has a classic male "friend" who she slept with 4 or 5 years ago,kissed a few times and said that once for a brief period she thought she had feelings for him,he rings and texts freely,and im 120 per cent certain hes dying about her even though he has a girlfriend,her spin on it is that she would never be interested in him in a million years etc,and if she does think anything of him she hides it well,would a girl give me some perspective on that please??

sorry for the length of the post,insight much appreciated!

Ickle Magoo

I notice you don't give any redeeming qualities whatsoever - is it really worth it? You feel coerced, she's invaded your privacy, she's hacked your e-mail/facebook accounts which is just atrocious behaviour...is there any reason to be in a relationship with someone like that?

Katgurl

You need to make her aware of two things -

you will not tolerate having your privacy invaded and will dump her if it happens again

she can talk to you about any fears / concerns she may have regarding your ex.

Be kind and listen if she does decide to voice her worries. Don't make her feel foolish for her insecurities or imply she's crazy. Tell her it's her you want and even if your ex tried get back with you, you wouldn't be interested (I'm assuming this to be true, if it's not you really shouldn't be in this relationship).

If she continues to check up on you, dump her and be clear to her from the off that this will be the end result.

Miss Fluff

You don't actually say why you're with this girl....

LegacyUser

any women got any insight into the male friend situation? also there are redeeming qualitys i just didnt list them as everything except the male friend situation is recent.

am i not justified in saying that its one rule for me and another for her?

thankyou

daisybelle2008

Not sure what you are asking her OP, not sure what you mean by perspectives, like pros and cons or something?

You are clearly in a very dysfunctional relationship, that is going to get much worse the longer you stay in it. You seem to be happy to tolerate it. I am sure you have your 'reasons', but do you expect to ever have a normal happy relationship with someone this crazy???
If you are not able to find someone stable, secure and trustworthy to go out with, then take the responsibility now that this is your decision to walk unblinkered into misery.
Normal well adjusted people do not put up with crazy, insecure, lying stalkers.
Your call really.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

You need to make her aware of two things -

you will not tolerate having your privacy invaded and will dump her if it happens again

she can talk to you about any fears / concerns she may have regarding your ex.

Be kind and listen if she does decide to voice her worries. Don't make her feel foolish for her insecurities or imply she's crazy. Tell her it's her you want and even if your ex tried get back with you, you wouldn't be interested (I'm assuming this to be true, if it's not you really shouldn't be in this relationship).

If she continues to check up on you, dump her and be clear to her from the off that this will be the end result.

I think this advice is reasonable. Your gf may just need to grow up, and deal with her own insecurities. Reassure her, but tell her if she ever goes through your phone again it's over. There are no excuses for that kind of behaviour. To trust is a choice we make, it's not based on obsessively seeking out certainty. That's something she needs to understand.

As for the guy, I wouldn't worry to much about it, she's clearly obsessed with you. It seems like her insecurity just drives her to seek attention - and let you know about it? It's bad manners if she puts that in your face, so tell her so.

I am a friend

I always think that people who are paranoid about cheating for no reason are often like that because they are capable of it themselves....

LovelyLottie

I am a friend wrote: »

I always think that people who are paranoid about cheating for no reason are often like that because they are capable of it themselves....

That might sometimes be the reason, but i wouldn't say it's often the case. I've never cheated, but have recurring trust issues. Now i never go round randomly accusing people of cheating, or check phones, but in some relationships i've needed regular reassurance, certainly more than others would. Sometimes if you don't have a lot of confidence, you find it hard to believe that someone you really like, would feel the same way.

This girl does sound like she's taken it too far though. I'd say it stems from her insecurity, but she has let it go way too far.

OP - she sounds extremely insecure and i would guess she doesn't have a lot of self-confidence (although she may outwardly appear to). If you care for this girl, reassure her that you want to be with her. Then lay down the law - no checking fb/emails, phone etc. Things may improve, they may not. I suspect she is using this 'friend' of hers to make you a little jealous, or to make herself feel more 'loved'. Talk to her and hopefully things will calm down. Good luck.

Abi

underthethumb wrote: »

ive been in a relationship for seven months now with a girl who seems to have a couple of serious enough issues,recently i discovered my facebook and emails had been hacked,mainly because shes obsessed with my ex girlfriend.i cant leave my phone down without it being read either,and shes such a convincing liar i nearly believed her about not reading my phone and emails/facebook until i set a couple of traps just so i knew it was definately 100 per cent right even though i knew beforehand anyway. the ex is well in the past and lives in newcastle
in the uk,we live in dublin,i used to speak to her once a week via a text or a phone call as we didnt break on bad terms and we broke up well before i met my current girl,

im only noticing recently aswell im being subtley influenced in the vein of who i can and cant talk to,dont get me wrong,im no shrinking violet and would usually just say il talk to who i want etc,but its so subtle sometimes i wonder is it happening or am i off me head lol!

as a footnote,she has a classic male "friend" who she slept with 4 or 5 years ago,kissed a few times and said that once for a brief period she thought she had feelings for him,he rings and texts freely,and im 120 per cent certain hes dying about her even though he has a girlfriend,her spin on it is that she would never be interested in him in a million years etc,and if she does think anything of him she hides it well,would a girl give me some perspective on that please??

sorry for the length of the post,insight much appreciated!

You're also concerned about this male friend of hers. It seems to me there is a complete lack of trust on both sides, and this can be quite damaging for a relationship in its early days. You're only seeing each other 7 months, and it's already toxic. You've your suspicions about her and she obviously does about you if shes checking up on you.

I don't know what to tell you OP, other than I'm not seeing a healthy future for this relationship. Certainly for what shes done, you'd be well within your rights to end it. Though you lack trust in her yourself.


I think you could both do with some time as single people, learn to trust again.

LegacyUser

So you get grief about having contact with your ex yet your gf is free to contact this guy that she had a relationship (of sorts) with. That doesn't seem fair to me...your post about one rule for her and another for you seems quite accurate! Your facebook, emails AND phone aren't safe when your around her, obviously there shouldn't be anything in them that your hiding from your gf but it's still not fair that she's invading your privacy! Can I ask why she is so obsessed with your Ex? And ask yourself this...if she can lie to you so convincingly about this, then what's next?? She doesn't trust you, that much is clear...and if you haven't done anything wrong then it's her problem...usually the only solution is to talk about it with her...the only people that can work on your problems are the 2 of you...and if you ask me, at 7 months things should still be quite rosy and fresh!

Missy Moo Moo

Username90210 wrote: »

As for the guy, I wouldn't worry to much about it, she's clearly obsessed with you. It seems like her insecurity just drives her to seek attention - and let you know about it? It's bad manners if she puts that in your face, so tell her so.

Whaaaatt? You think that the facebook/ email/ phone stalking is a measure of how much he can trust his girlfriend not to cheat? Obsessed is the correct word. She may well be mad about the OP, but shes an insecure control freak with hypocritical double standards.

OP- This in my book would be a complete deal breaker. Shes a liar- and a good liar at that too with a proven track record. Shes insecure. Shes a control freak. Shes hypocritical. Imposes rules on how to conduct friendships that she somehow is exempt from. Excessively jealous.

Jealousy is not a nice trait but we are all guilty of it at some point, however this level of jealousy is worrying. Do you think things will get better? What happens if you get married, will she start vetting any female employees in your workplace in case they're hot?

I'm a fiercely independent person and the thought of someone going through my mails/ facebook/ texts makes my skin crawl. Its not like you've given her a valid reason to snoop, other than the unfounded obsession with your ex. She should have seen the fact that you were amicable with your ex as a sign of you being a mature adult. What about private conversations you have with friends through any of these methods, would they necessarily want her reading those?

As for the female perspective of the male friend, I have loads of male friends so I could never reasonably expect any man to drop his female friends. I'd be willing to bet that hes not a friend in the true sense of the word though, more like an ego boost/ plaything that she keeps dangling cos she knows hes into her.

To conclude OP, if you want to stay with a proven liar who will make your life a living hell by snooping through your social networks, who will want to vet every female presence in your life, who will gnaw away at your self esteem until you become a shell of your former self, who will make you lose valuable friendships, then go right ahead.

Sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but shes behaving despicably.

Maybe she needs to speak to a professional to work through her issues. But I hate to say it, she doesn't seem to be in the right frame of mind for a relationship. You need to be happy in yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. How can she be happy in herself when shes pouring all her energies into who you're interacting with?

Missy Moo Moo

Abi wrote: »

Though you lack trust in her yourself.

Of course he does, he has already said shes a convincing liar. Why should you trust someone who has proven themselves to be a liar?

LegacyUser

i was looking for a website in my history today and on the history i noticed that my gf has been messaging another ex,i didnt go into facebook,it just said in the history that she had messages from this dude,i know im gonna get an eating to dump her on here lol,what is the deal with this behaviour,i mean she swears she loves me,she throws these paranoid fits checking my facebook/emails/texts,yet she thinks its alright to be messaging one ex,hanging out/texting another,and what else dont i know??

ill get my coat lol!

squonk

Yeah, OP, I immediately thought, as was said here before, that she was freaking out because she was capable of cheating on you herself. I also thought that some part of her did want to keep her 'friend' as some sort of go to guy... who knows.

Needless to say, a happier life lies beyond this lady and her cheating and insecurities!

ManOfMystery

It's often been said that guilty people (or those very capable of cheating) tend to be the most suspicious around their partners. I'd think it's very true in this case.

She's been maintaining contact with exes, while simultaneously giving you a hard time for the same thing. Never mind trust, that's just a lack of basic respect.

The Lovely Muffin

To be quite honest OP, this girl sounds like a complete head wreck.

• She hacked your Facebook
  
• She hacked your email
  
• She checks/checked your phone
  
• She is obsessed with your ex-girlfriend
  
• She influences who you can and can't speak to.
  
• She lies/lied to you
  
• She has/is sending message to an ex boyfriend of hers, but hasn't told you about these messages.

Why are you with her OP?

I am with my boyfriend six months, I have never, ever checked his emails/Facebook/phone, I'm not obsessed with his ex, I have never lied to him, I don't tell him who he can and can't speak to or hang out with, if I even tried to behave like that towards him he would rapidly give me the door (and vice versa) and who could blame him, that is absolutely no way to treat anyone, yet someone you claim to love.

It seems to me your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do and needs to deal with her issues (and she does have issues OP).

I honestly believe you would be far happier if you were single OP or at least seeing someone else. I don't mean to be harsh OP, but this is a horrible relationship to be in. She treats you terribly and you don't deserve it.

Get out now before her behaviour gets worse OP.

deisemum

If she's behaving like this now I dread to think what she'll be like further down the line. I don't even think that discussing her obsessional behaviour with her will do much good, she'll probably become more sly about it.

Overheal

Get out of that.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to say get out now, before it becomes too complicated! And before her behavior gets any worse! She'll wear you down in the end!

LegacyUser

Hi OP...can I ask what are the aspects of this relationship that are keeping you it?

Do you perhaps feel trapped? Or possibly even guilty for ending things because you feel your gf has issues? I'm only asking this because you have got to ask yourself the same questions! Do you want to stay in this relationship feeling doubtful of her motives for doing things? Can you live like that for the rest of your life? Trust declining on a sliding scale...because, and im only assuming, correct me if i'm wrong, but you're losing trust in this girl...and there is already evidence that she doesn't trust you...a relationship is nothing without mutual trust! There is no excuse in the world as to why she is able to stay in contact with exes and you are not. And as for her influencing who you do and do not speak to, come on OP, you know that's just not right...you said it yourself, you were once the kinda guy who wouldn't let that happen...she's changing you...and not for the better...she will continue to turn you into a shadow of your former self! And finally, one more question lol...have you lost contact with all or most of your friends since she came along??