He's too full on!

LegacyUser

Hey, this won't be very detailed as I don't want the person to know who I am if they read this!

Basically I've been seeing a guy for a little while, and we made it official recently. However, he is way too full on for my liking. Non stop texting and if I don't respond for a half hour, I get texts asking am I ok. Telling me he loves me, trying to make plans for 5 months from now, things like that. I told him I wanted to take things slowly and he said he accepted it, but clearly he hasn't.

Thing is, how can I break up with him in a way that doesn't hurt him too much, because he obviously likes me more than I like him? As bad as it sounds, because of some stuff he told me, I'm actually a little afraid to do it face to face. What sort of thing can I say? I have tried to hint at him very strongly that it was too full on, and in response to that, he got MORE full on. I tried to get some space yesterday and he texted me obsessively.

I know this is really trivial compared to some stuff on here, but this guy is depressed as it is, I don't want to make it worse. If anyone can give me some diplomatic things to say would really help!

msg11

Maybe wait for more advise

But, I would maybe tell him it's too full on and that your not ready for such a relationship so it's best if we parted from seeing each other. Also you want to remain single as it's not a time in your life you want a relationship etc..

I know it's hard to break up with someone that you think/know has issues, but it's only going to make it worse dragging it on, when you are not happy to be in it.

Well that's my advise. (Don't be hurtful and straight to the point, your reasons and make it clear so there's no 50 million texts coming to your phone etc..)

unklefiction

I have been guilty of this in the past, recently I was in a relationship that never really had a chance of going anywhere due to circumstances, it was with a friend and instead of being honest with myself about it, the fear of being alone kept me holding on for things to change. This didn't happen and when she eventually ended it due to well me getting too full on, not in the contact sense just being too attached to someone who was pretty much unattainable, well for me presently. It did send me down a path of depression and I let it all get to me far too much and had a melt down of sorts.

In my opinion you need to be completely straight and honest with him, tell him what you have told us, tell him he needs to sort himself out before he can have a healthy relationship, tell him that for these reasons you can't be with him, tell him to get some help if he needs it, tell him that you can't be the person to help him that can only be him. He has to deal with the depression before it ruins his life. I know you are frightened of what he possibly might do but you can't feel guilty its not your fault. Do him a favour don't sweeten it medicine is always better the more sour it tastes, forget about what Mary Poppins said.

LovelyLottie

It would be kinder and more respectful to do it face to face. But if you're actually afraid / nervous of doing it in person, then don't. Email or text him. I'm not advocating this method of breaking up with someone, by the way, but just if this is a situation you can no longer tolerate, then i think you're better off breaking up by some means rather than none at all. If it's a case of you just being a bit allergic to the breakup scenario, then man-up (or woman-up) and do it face to face.

Be honest, if only to ensure that the message gets through and he accepts that it's over. If he thinks there's hope for a reconciliation, he'll continue to contact you. So without being harsh or unkind, phrase it in such a way that he will know you've given this a lot of consideration and it's a final decision.

Some possible messages to get across: that you've thought a lot about the situation, that he's a really nice guy but you don't want the same kind of relationship that he wants, you're not suited, you don't feel the same way as he does, you're not in love with him (too harsh? i dunno)

Hope that helps a little. Good luck. (By the way i sound like an expert at this, i'm not, i'm always the one getting dumped boo hoo :rolleyes:)

Mighty_Mouse

Thing is, how can I break up with him in a way that doesn't hurt him too much, because he obviously likes me more than I like him?

Always has & always will be just the way it goes.
You cannot put your sympathy towards this person above your personal happiness.
Tell him to his face.
You're just not into a relationship this intense. End of.

Miss Fluff

I'm afraid you're going to have to be quite brutal. A wishy-washy excuse will have him harbouring false hope and ultimately continuing with the crazy behaviour. Tell him you don't feel that way about him/see no future in it and that you made a mistake. Short and to the point and leaving him with no doubt that it's over. No "let's be friends" or anything else to soften the blow as it will be misinterpreted. Also, may I ask when you say you'e afraid of doing it face-to-face do you mean you're actually scared OF him or simply scared of having that conversation?

BraziliaNZ

Yeah, don't try the "I need to be on my own right now", we've all heard that one and we all know it's bullsh*t!
Just tell him you don't feel the same way, and you never will, that he's not what you want and that you both need to go your seperate ways. Then completely ignore his calls/texts if he starts that carry on, which he probably will what with being depressed and all, and eventually he will give up and you can both move on.

ongarboy

Yes, you need to end it with him. No matter how much it hurts him, you will actually be doing him a favour. I would hate to be in a relationship where the other person had no love or desire to be with me but was staying with me for fear of upsetting me. I'm sure you and even him would hate that too.

You may not need to break up with him face to face if you are not fully comfortable doing so, but I would not suggest email or text. Please phone him and ask does he have time to chat so he is not caught off guard or in the middle of an awkward situation and then clearly explain in an honest but compassionate way why you need to end the relationship. This doesn't mean you need to highlight all his flaws. This direct verbal approach just means the tone and intention of what you are saying gets across and also gives him some opportunity to ask questions back.

Make it clear that you have thought long and hard about it and that it was not an overnight whim or anything and that you now need to put distance and zero contact between you. Don't go down the "lets continue to be friends" route as this just gives him false hope of a possible reunion and prevents closure and opportunity for him (and you) to get on with your seperate lives.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice! If I wasn't unregged, I'd thank all your posts

So, I did it tonight, through text. I feel awful for doing it that way, but without getting into it, something he said led me to fear for myself if I did do it in person. And as bad as it sounds, I'm glad I did it over a text as I got about 50 texts back about it, asking non stop questions. I just told him out straight it was way too intense for me and too full on and not what I was looking for, to which I got promises of things changing and such. I said that wouldn't work because if it's this uncomfortable for me at the beginning, I can only see it getting worse later on. So, after a load of texts (some of which I ignored, only to get more each time I ignored one), he seemed to get the message. That could all change tomorrow when he's slept on it, but I dunno.

Thanks so much for the advice, guys. I was worried about hurting him by being totally straight with him about it, but I did my best to be straight and to the point and while it did hurt him a lot more than I even expected, it was the best way for us both, I think. Thanks a million!

LovelyLottie

fuzzymuzzy wrote: »

Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice! If I wasn't unregged, I'd thank all your posts

So, I did it tonight, through text. I feel awful for doing it that way, but without getting into it, something he said led me to fear for myself if I did do it in person. And as bad as it sounds, I'm glad I did it over a text as I got about 50 texts back about it, asking non stop questions. I just told him out straight it was way too intense for me and too full on and not what I was looking for, to which I got promises of things changing and such. I said that wouldn't work because if it's this uncomfortable for me at the beginning, I can only see it getting worse later on. So, after a load of texts (some of which I ignored, only to get more each time I ignored one), he seemed to get the message. That could all change tomorrow when he's slept on it, but I dunno.

Thanks so much for the advice, guys. I was worried about hurting him by being totally straight with him about it, but I did my best to be straight and to the point and while it did hurt him a lot more than I even expected, it was the best way for us both, I think. Thanks a million!

Think you did the right thing. A text, while never ideal, was the best answer in this situation. A phone call would have been very messy and i don't think it would have softened the blow. Best of luck

msg11

fuzzymuzzy wrote: »

Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice! If I wasn't unregged, I'd thank all your posts

So, I did it tonight, through text. I feel awful for doing it that way, but without getting into it, something he said led me to fear for myself if I did do it in person. And as bad as it sounds, I'm glad I did it over a text as I got about 50 texts back about it, asking non stop questions. I just told him out straight it was way too intense for me and too full on and not what I was looking for, to which I got promises of things changing and such. I said that wouldn't work because if it's this uncomfortable for me at the beginning, I can only see it getting worse later on. So, after a load of texts (some of which I ignored, only to get more each time I ignored one), he seemed to get the message. That could all change tomorrow when he's slept on it, but I dunno.

Thanks so much for the advice, guys. I was worried about hurting him by being totally straight with him about it, but I did my best to be straight and to the point and while it did hurt him a lot more than I even expected, it was the best way for us both, I think. Thanks a million!

Good stuff, any non sense out of him saying he will do this or that to you or himself, let him know that the Garda will be getting a complaint if he keeps it up. You should not have to be fearing for your own safety, your right about it been like this at the start, what is it going to snowball into !

Miss Fluff

Bullet dodged OP, well done

Ickle Magoo

Well done OP.

As this issue has been resolved, I'll close this thread.