pre marriage course worries

u_c_thesecond

My fiance and i are getting married in December- we are together 8 years. We have been told by the priest that we have to do a pre marriage course (hubbys furious as he knows 2 couples together less time that didnt have to do it)

We will be doing it soon enough- and my hubbys freaking. He is convinced that a priests going to be asking us questions about our sex life and personal business. He is a very private person and does not like the idea of discussing our business with strangers, has anyone here been at one and if so could you tell me what kind of stuff they want to know- and do you have to answer? Can you fail a pre marriage course?

I know my hubby and he wont answer anything too personal and im worried it will stop us getting the go ahead!

cyning

Tell him to stop worrying anyway.... and you too

We had to do the Accord one: in my Parish it was compulsary to go the Accord one. First of all we both had to fill out a questionaire: really straightforward stuff (we were in seperate rooms for it) kids, religion etc then we had a half an hour meeting with a counsellor (not a priest) where they compared our results: the only area where we really differed was on the religious issues: and hey I can cope with the fact I'm more religious than him!

Then we had the course proper itself: sexuality was mentioned in the context of if you need sexual counselling we can organise that here for you. They do go innto fertility/family planning a little bit but again it was very very brief. Our course was run by two counsellors and a priest... the priest only spoke on any questions anyone had on the religious side of the ceremony, and we had a short mass at the end of the Saturday aswell. They did a bit on the family of origin, how you communicate, how you deal with conflict etc

Unfortunately no matter how long you are together (we were together 5 years) it is a requirement by the Catholic Church. My hubby was not happy at doing it he moaned and moaned at me for ages: and even he said it wasn't that bad. You can't fail the course either so don't worry about that either!

kittyo

Ask your priest if he will accept the Avalon course. We just did it on Sunday 6 hours (well 5 cause you have an hour for lunch).

Like your partner, mine was well annoyed that we had to do it as we are together 14 years!

Anyway - there is none of the asking questions seperately nonsense. There was about 30 couples in the class. You get a workbook each with questions in it. you do the questions between you / ask eachother the questions - answers given stay completely with eachother. The person doing the course didn't ask anyone specific questions. Posed all questions to the group as a whole and whoever wanted to answer answered. No personal questions.

Overall painless - well a lot more painless than originally anticipated.

€120.00 for the two of us.

TheDriver

We were not allowed do the Avalon one but the accord one was great. We had no seperate rooms or anything like that, lots of activities together and nothing that we had to stand up and give info out.
Also, if he wants to get married in a catholic church, he must do a pre marriage course. If some priest lets a couple away with it, then lucky them. But 14 years doesn't make ye the best couple in the world, no amount of time does.

MIRMIR82

Hi ya myself and my fiancee done the accord one too(last oct) - its not at all like what you think!
You're givin a 'workbook' at the start, one between you and your OH and you fill this out between you two (we went off to a seperate room on our own) after the leaders discuss the chapter - there is a chapter about fertility and they skim on sex etc but you will not have to talk on front of anyone - i promise!
To be honest no one wants to do it but you have to if you want to get married in the Catholic Church and thats that - tell you hubby-to-be to man up and stop moaning!!:D

TheBigEvil

As per the last post, nothing to worry about.

We did the Premarriage course in All Hallows last weekend, and I was a little nervous going myself. A lovely married couple gave the course (9:30 to 16:40).

There were about 20 couples all in the room at the same time. Nothing is discussed outloud. You each get workbooks and answer questions in them and then talk to you other half to see if you are on the same page in relation to your expectations on difffernt things.

The only interaction with other couples was at the start where you had to chat to the couple beside you for 5 mins to intorduce yourselves and talk about each others weddings.

Was a worthwhile day. Gives you each a chance to step back and look at yourselves and your relationship and how you handle certain situations.

The only interaction with a priest was one that came in to talk about the sacrament of marriage for about 40 minutes, but there was no bible bashing done. He was really good and funny to boot. He mainly covered off what you need to do and things you need to have done prior to the big day.

Tell hubby to be not to worry, and to just enjoy the day.

We did the accord course too and i found it to be grand actually, nothing to worry about. When the subject of sexuality came up it was more of a lighthearted discussion than anything, a bit of a laugh actually!

I think the co-ordinators have moved with the times and acknowledge that a lot of couple live together before marraige / have kids etc.

MajorMax

My Uncle was a priest so no-one in my family had to do a pre-marriage course, but he died the year before I got married so I was stuck.

go to the upcoming wedding fair in the RDS there is usually a couple of stands for church approved marriage courses, you'll get a good discount if you sign up and pay on the spot.

We went with Accord and spent a boring afternoon in a Clarion hotel function room with 50 other couples.

The only bright spot is that the instructor was a gorgeous woman and had a great ass!
(My ex-girlfriend/current wife knows I'm a perv!)
but after 18 years together at the time of the course we didn't really learn anything.

modus

Major Max, you did not go to an Accord course.

1. Accord use Parish Centres and other church venues, not hotels.

2. Accord have a max of 20 couples on each course

3. Accord generally have 2 presenters and usually a visit from a priest

Some courses are run by private individuals on a 'pack them in' basis. 50 couples and only one presenter means decent profit margin. Accord presenters are volunteers.

I'm not surprised you didn't learn much, those courses are run just to give couples a certificate. Tick the box etc

TheDriver

accord used a hotel in my case
Priest said about 30 secs
There were about 20 couples which apparently was rather large

Moonbeam

If he reaaly does not want to do it maybe get married then get a church blessing?

EAFC_rdfl

Is there a time limit on the pre-marriage course? i.e. does it have to be done x months before the wedding?

bonzer1again

I also did an Accord course in Limerick city...it was in a hotel with about 50 couples too. By the way if you want to make the day go faster...just watch all the people at the course...it's hilarious!! All the men (myself included) were sitting there with big browned off faces the whole day...with their wives to be, constantly squeezing their knees and , saying things like" only 3 more hours now love". It's probably one of the best spectator sports going!!!

Triangla

I did Accord last year, it was around 20 couples in a hotel room on a Friday night and Saturday morning.

It's more a lecture than anything else.

If you decide to arrive, sit down and say/do nothing you still have completed the course.

Person from Accord does all the talking. Priest arrived in on Saturday for half an hour an was pretty funny. Very nice chap, probably the best part of the whole thing as it was short and sweet.

techdiver

The courses are a complete waste of time. Problem being that if you want a Church wedding most Priest will insist on it. As if a few hours talking crap is somehow going to uncover things that a couple that have been living together for 5 years+ didn't already know.

We did the Avalon one and for those who accuse Avalon of making money, how is it that the "Church Approved" Accord course is significantly more expensive than Avalon and if they use volunteers that means an even healthier profit margin for them??

Our priest tried to sell us the same line, but the Avalon one was €120 and the Accord one was €200, go figure? It's a money making scheme regardless of who is giving the course.

Dinkie

EAFC_rdfl wrote: »

Is there a time limit on the pre-marriage course? i.e. does it have to be done x months before the wedding?

Nope. We are planning on getting married Sept / Oct 2013 and will be doing ours during the summer. We emailed them and they said that there was no time limit. It suits us as we are trying to buy and get things done for the wedding already to minimise costs next year.

Ours is E120 and in the Ferrycarrig wexford. Think its over 2 days.

paulbok

I think a more useful course for couples would be more like the one they have in Sweeden (?) which I think it's a legal requirement where couples get life advice such as financial planning, nutrition etc rather than church morality.
Not everyone getting married would be ok with these due to upbringing, social circumstances etc.

EAFC_rdfl

thanks Dinkie, I was looking more for the opposite end of things though, i.e. does it have to be completed a minimum of 6 months before the wedding date?
As for people ranting about what the course is/isn't, I don't see the relevance. Its something that has to be done so just get on with it

tpall

Hi we are in the same boat the priest didnt say which one we have to do tho we are getting married in Nov this year is there only a choice of the 2 avalon and accord? all sounds like a money making scam to me :mad:

silly

tpall wrote: »

Hi we are in the same boat the priest didnt say which one we have to do tho we are getting married in Nov this year is there only a choice of the 2 avalon and accord? all sounds like a money making scam to me :mad:

We did ours in the cork marriage centre, on a Saturday 2-5. Then back in the Monday night for 20 mins. €120.
Found it grand really.
As people said, if your priest wants you to do it, then that's what you have to do. Otherwise don't get married in a church.

squeky

We did the accord pre marriage course last weekend and yes it is a waste of €180 but i did enjoy it!! there was no embarrassing moments in it and you got a folder on the Friday evening and there was questionnaires in it that both you and hubby had to fill in throughout the weekend and then ye compare your answers privately to each other!

We did our course in the Pillo hotel Galway and it was held by 3 ladies and they were nice and friendly and on the Friday night you were put into groups of say 5 couples and you had to talk to the couple on your left and get there names, when they getting married, how long they together and where they lived and you had to say it out loud in front of all the group but that is all you were asked to do out loud all weekend.

TheDriver

I find it interesting how Accord charges differently countrywide, we paid 150 last Nov

squeky

its a pure money scam!

hoodwinked

squeky wrote: »

its a pure money scam!

no more then any other part of a wedding really though? and it only has to be done for a church wedding


we have ours coming up and i spoke to people who did it in CMCC everyone i talked to said it brought up at least one thing they did not consider and although parts were boring and ridiculous, other parts were worth your time.

Sleepy

hoodwinked wrote: »

no more then any other part of a wedding really though? and it only has to be done for a church wedding

Well, with most parts of a wedding the choice is yours to include it or not.

I've never heard of a photographer insisting on a videographer being present nor a hotel insisting on you availing of their spa treatments before you can hold your reception there...

hoodwinked

Sleepy wrote: »

Well, with most parts of a wedding the choice is yours to include it or not.

I've never heard of a photographer insisting on a videographer being present nor a hotel insisting on you availing of their spa treatments before you can hold your reception there...

but it is a choice, if you don't get married in a catholic ceremony you don't need to do it?

its more like a photographer insisting you have a camera there if you want photos, one goes with the other!

Sleepy

Not really since a photographer *requires* a camera to take photographs. A priest doesn't require a pre-marriage course to carry out a wedding, they simply insist upon one (and usually a specific one which will further line the coffers of the Vatican Bank tbh).

hoodwinked

Sleepy wrote: »

Not really since a photographer *requires* a camera to take photographs. A priest doesn't require a pre-marriage course to carry out a wedding, they simply insist upon one (and usually a specific one which will further line the coffers of the Vatican Bank tbh).

but its not the priests who require it, its the church, my fiancés uncle is our priest years ago he married my aunt, he got them out of doing it (as in he married them without it) and told us over 2 years ago he'd do the same for us,

recently he told us its all changed and the church needs the documents now, so he cannot just sign off on it now, for a catholic marriage its as important as the civil registers cert.


he also is advising us (and others) of the cheapest location to do it.

avalonrc

thanks for your comments, avalon is a company trying to keep people in jobs like everyone else, at the moment we are just about doing that and at the price we charge couples, it is the best we can do, we all have mortgages to pay and kids to feed, unlike accord, we don't receive 4 million from the government, I'm not on 140,000 euro like the president of accord and the bishop that runs accord, all my presenters are qualified and have spent upwords of 40k themselves to train to the the level they have reached to date, and if anyone resents that we make a profit, then so be it, without a profit, there would be no avalon, without money, we cant offer the courses at all, thats the way things are, life as they say, we do value all constructive feedback and try to make the course better every year, we are not perfect, can't please everybody but we do value our customers, some people on here created a review of avalon just to try and win a 20,000 euro competition on tender weddings, but again, them's the breaks. we have battled the false rumours of priests who work for accord who claim that we are profit making, non religious, etc etc, if people knew the extent of the lies that have been told about me and my company they might think differently, we now have a priest who signs our certificates so no one should worry anymore about having to do an accord course if they don't want to, this priest is very well respected in Rome and has studied with the Pope himself.

I am open to anyone's comments about the course and welcome the chance to offer more to people to help their relationships. Our new programme will offer 52 teleseminars per year so that couples can get advice if they so need it, throughout the year, at no extra cost, Our dvd is the result of 6 peoples combined expertise and 50 years of experience, and there is nothing like it on sale in the world, never mind in Ireland, we hope that it will be a permanent resource for the couples that prefer to only do the course by themselves, and not in a group, which not everyone wants to do.

i hate that couples are forced to do a marriage course, i also hate that some courses dont use trained presenters, but they are the facts as we find them, i hate that i cant give everyone the perfect experience etc etc

like i said before, if there's anything i can do to improve, im all ears

Yours,

Dave Kavanagh, MD

ps most couples spend more on chocolates or balloons than on their relationship, so we think that 120 isn't too bad lol

Zaph

Hi avalonrc. Could I please ask you not to post any further on Boards until you have spoken to the guys in the office about an Official Rep account. This is something we require of any businesses posting on their own behalf on boards. You can contact the office at reps@boards.ie

Thanks

tinkerbell

hoodwinked wrote: »

but its not the priests who require it, its the church, my fiancés uncle is our priest years ago he married my aunt, he got them out of doing it (as in he married them without it) and told us over 2 years ago he'd do the same for us,

recently he told us its all changed and the church needs the documents now, so he cannot just sign off on it now, for a catholic marriage its as important as the civil registers cert.


he also is advising us (and others) of the cheapest location to do it.

The priest has discretion over whether he requires the pre-marriage course or not. Plenty of priests still don't require it so not sure why your priest is saying otherwise - maybe it's changed in their parish but it certainly hasn't changed everywhere.

Gatica

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

My fiance and i are getting married in December- we are together 8 years. We have been told by the priest that we have to do a pre marriage course (hubbys furious as he knows 2 couples together less time that didnt have to do it)

We will be doing it soon enough- and my hubbys freaking. He is convinced that a priests going to be asking us questions about our sex life and personal business. He is a very private person and does not like the idea of discussing our business with strangers, has anyone here been at one and if so could you tell me what kind of stuff they want to know- and do you have to answer? Can you fail a pre marriage course?

I know my hubby and he wont answer anything too personal and im worried it will stop us getting the go ahead!

Hi, OP, don't fret about the requirement for a pre-marriage course. The priest is not asking you to do the course because he think you need it more than someone else. AFAIK, anyone getting married in a church has to do the pre-marriage course as it's a requirement by the church, not the state. I've not heard of anyone having that requirement waive before until I glanced through this thread.
Did the two couple you know that didn't do the course have a civil or non-church wedding? As pointed out here by other posters the course is not with the priest but done through an organisation, so no one will be asking you very personal questions. Most of them are points for you two to discuss between ye...

gowayouttadat

Gatica wrote: »

Hi, OP, don't fret about the requirement for a pre-marriage course. The priest is not asking you to do the course because he think you need it more than someone else. AFAIK, anyone getting married in a church has to do the pre-marriage course as it's a requirement by the church, not the state. I've not heard of anyone having that requirement waive before until I glanced through this thread.
Did the two couple you know that didn't do the course have a civil or non-church wedding? As pointed out here by other posters the course is not with the priest but done through an organisation, so no one will be asking you very personal questions. Most of them are points for you two to discuss between ye...

A friend recently did theirs and there were two couples with them. Both had been told my their priest that they didn't need to do the premarriage course as he wasn't strict on it but less than a month before the wedding he contacted them to say they had to do it because the bishop was cracking down on priests allowing people to get married without it.

beltzar

Hi OP,
My OH was the same. We choose to do the Accord course in Dublin far away from where both of us came from. And we were very grateful as there were a few unconfortable couples going, oh hi I grew up beside you, or I went to school with your brother....

And HONESTLY it isnt invasive. It was a Friday evening and most of the Saturday. The only talking that we did was to each other on a 1:1 whispered conversation as there were about 25 other bored couples there as well.

By the end of the course my OH said it wasnt half as bad as he expected and since then he makes jokes about it when we have a disagreement like "remember dear from the marriage course we should be trying to discuss this in a different way etc".

I persuaded mine that if he came to the course I would pay for our next meal out in town....:D

Good Luck!