Trusting my Gut...Should I

Halo Kitty

My OH of 4 and half years (not married but long distance relationship, Travelled every 2 weeks) got a job transfer to China last Oct....and i have to admit i think he has changed so much i don't think he is the same fella i grew to love .
From the guy i used to call OCD as i always knew what he was doing what time he went to bed cooked cleaned etc, and Now what can i say
He is in China where he has met some Ex-pats and having fun and i have to say i was really delighted that he landed on his feet, (As He did not have this opportunity as he had a rather lonely life when he lived in england only knowing work friends)
Anyway now i find he has done a 360 degree turn, as he is out till all hours of the mornings Thursday to Sunday evening...and if we do talk now he is either going to the pub or as like tonight he was drunk yet again.
The problem is he thinks i should come to visit him in April for a month or so, He will be working during the week but off for a few days so we might get to see Bejing for a few days,...I really don't now if i should leave him go and enjoy what he has in China (It is a 3 yr contract) I am fooling myself that relationship would work, I feel he is just not the guy i met, and that we have taken a step back instead of forward...
Any suggestions ..Is this a phase that one goes through to help settle in , as some of my friends suggest, or i am I in cloud cuckoo land to think this could have worked in the first place...
And forget about travelling to China

ABajaninCork

Halo Kitty wrote: »

And forget about travelling to China

Why? Would you not be able to get time off??

I guess it's a question of how much you guys want this to work. How do you usually communicate? Is it via Skype/e-mail??

I would discuss this with your OH.

tannytantans

I'd have a serious chat with your OH. It's very possible that he is just settling in - making new friends and feeling pressured to go out with them every ngiht. i lived in Asia for a year and found that most expats did go out drinking everynight. Just for the chance to socialise and meet up with other English speaking people.


TBH I'd be concerned about the distance aspect, especially for three years.

I'd be inclined to say go to China - when you spend time with him face to face you'll be able to decide if he truely has changed and if ye can make it last. It's also easier to have a conversation about the future face to face

Halo Kitty

Just got my goodnight text...and he saying it was a pity we did not get to talk this weekend...( he was out from thursday to 2 am his time today....) we usually skype on Sundays as he usually stays in to prepare for work on Monday morning....
At present i am doing a FÁS course ending in March.....Was made redundant last year..so facing unemployment in Apri,,,, thus he thinking i should come over in april for a month...Or wise he said he would come over.....
I just think he has a new life now in China and I feel i will not be part of it....sick of looking at my mobile and skype and he not there.....or as i said he heading to the pub to meet the lads .... totally different indeed to the times we had here....

tannytantans

Would you consider moving to China with him?It's quite easy to get jobs teaching English and it would be better than being unemployed at home!

I think if I was you, I'd go over in April, spend the month and see how things are. If you believe you've grown apart it'd be better to end it face to face there and then, and if there is still something there I'd seriously consider moving.

Halo Kitty

He had been head hunted for this job and i felt it was a good move for him and said nothing about my fears, the company did everything for him from his travel to his visa to his home been let out ..etc.
I had thought about going over to China when my course had finished, but the past three months have been dificult to say the least.......from a Guy who enjoyed walking climbing music concerts...all i hear about now is the pub and games of pools and everything a 20yr might talk about ...not a guy in his late 40's.
I even asked him last week if he could see himself returning back to England again and i just got a smile....the reason he went to China was so he could earn enough money to clear any home loans , and hope to retire early to Ireland...That was the idea, but now it just seems like a distant memory,
I just downloaded my tourist application form last Thursday and i have not looked at it since...i guess i am hoping that this is a phase, but if it continues i will have to let him continue without me...Sad but realistic....
I have said all this to him on Skype but he reminds me that he is the one that is alone out there and that i am surrounded by friends family and a good quality of life....lol..yeah he thinks Ireland is a piece of heaven....

Mini2011

I agree with tanny tantan!! Go there in April , see how it goes. Don't give up do easily. He's just passing the time over there. Better than sitting at home alone. He wouldn't be suggesting you to go over if he wasn't bothered.

BraziliaNZ

Halo Kitty wrote: »

He had been head hunted for this job and i felt it was a good move for him and said nothing about my fears, the company did everything for him from his travel to his visa to his home been let out ..etc.
I had thought about going over to China when my course had finished, but the past three months have been dificult to say the least.......from a Guy who enjoyed walking climbing music concerts...all i hear about now is the pub and games of pools and everything a 20yr might talk about ...not a guy in his late 40's.
I even asked him last week if he could see himself returning back to England again and i just got a smile....the reason he went to China was so he could earn enough money to clear any home loans , and hope to retire early to Ireland...That was the idea, but now it just seems like a distant memory,
I just downloaded my tourist application form last Thursday and i have not looked at it since...i guess i am hoping that this is a phase, but if it continues i will have to let him continue without me...Sad but realistic....
I have said all this to him on Skype but he reminds me that he is the one that is alone out there and that i am surrounded by friends family and a good quality of life....lol..yeah he thinks Ireland is a piece of heaven....

So he's partying a bit and this is your main gripe at the moment? It can't be easy living in a totally different environment, it's China for God's sake! When living abroad in places like this sometimes the only time you get to chat is with the other expats in the boozer. It sounds like harmless fun to me. Give him a break.
But yes you should go in April, you'll get to sort things out with him and see a bit of the world.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am a long time lurker here but haven't posted here before. I couldn't read your story and not post. I am the other side of your story, I am currently working in China on a three year contract. My boyfriend of 3.5 years is still in Dublin.

Life here is hard, it is lonely and to be honest a lot of the time it is filled with nothing but going to the pub and for dinner. To the outside, it may appear like this is a riot (and for the first few months it sort of is) but to be honest it gets lonely. The problem is that people are here for a short period of time (max 3 years usually), it's transient and nobody has any real responsibilities outside of their job. While in their home country, people will have family to visit, old friends to meet up with, weekend trips to take; here people don't have those other demands. You are in a situation where the weekend seems like a long time to fill, you don't have good friends to do low key things with so you go to the pub where it's easy to pass the time. Expats also have a lot of disposable income compared to home so it's easy to do it.

This past weekend, I didn't go to the pub- I spent Friday and Saturday evenings at house parties with friends and went ice skating/for dinner on Sunday. It was really really nice but it has taken me almost 18 months to reach the point where I can do these things, with good friends, instead of just hitting the pub.

My boyfriend has been amazing and generous and this has been a saving grace for our relationship. It is hard doing long distance but the thing is, it's temporary and it's not real life. This time of settling in and being new fangled with the freedom of living an expat lifestyle is a necessary phase for your boyfriend to settle in. My advice would be to be generous and allow him this time. I would definitely recommend visiting him here- it's really important to see life and understand what he is doing. At least when you have a picture of where he is it makes it easier. I think this has helped our relationship.

Don't worry too much about your boyfriend changing beyond all recognition, as I say, it's not real life and he will eventually realise that he wants to go back to the real world where things are less party-hard but more meaningful.

Good Luck OP, 3 years is not that long a time if it's what you want.....

Garlic Suplmnt

Beijing's an awful dump of a place, so be warned

Halo Kitty

Garlic Suplmnt wrote: »

Beijing's an awful dump of a place, so be warned

Oh my, As i was meant to be in China for a month mostly spent in Shanghai, I was thinking of travelling to Bejing....hearing it as a dump could make me wonder why you would say that,,,