Girlfriends Past!! Please Help!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have a major major problem with my girlfriends past. Well not so much her past but just one guy in particular. It is never far from my mind and at times I picture and imagine them together. It really hurts me and bothers me and at times gets me really down.

At times I have seriously thought about ending the relationship on numerous occasions because I can't keep putting myself through this mental torture!

Which when you take a step back and look at it, would be very silly to end what is otherwise and excellent happy relationship. Everybody has a past, including myself and if my girlfriend knew of my past she would probably run a mile!

But I just keep going over and over things in my mind. For whatever reason I don't know!? One thing I do know is I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!

What can I do? I have tried counselling with no real success and it actually kind of hurt me to have to keep talking about it!

What can I do? I have tried counselling and tried to reason with myself by saying everybody has a past but both have had no positive effect.

Has anybody had feeling like these before and if so what did they do to combat the thoughts and feelings??

What does the fact that I can't let it go say about me??

Please Help!

tinkerbell

Why is it just one guy in particular? Do you think you're not as good as him or something?

Tbh OP, you have to just let it go. Otherwise you will destroy your relationship. Everyone has a past, you just have to get over it. Would you rather just allow it to fester and therefore she gets sick of it and dumps your or you break it off, or tell yourself "as of today, I am moving on from this and refuse to let it rule my life". It has to be a conscious decision. If you want to get over it, you will.

Big Bag of Chips

Try to figure out what it is that bothers you so much about this one particular guy?

Is that he's some sort of local hero, and you think you'll never live up to him?

Or is he a scumbag, and you can't imagine why you're gf would ever want to be with someone like that?

Or is he just a normal bloke somewhere in the middle?

Whatever sort of fella he is/was, she's not with him anymore. She's with you. You're with her.

It's no point telling you to get over it, because clearly you can't. But maybe if you try think about (and write down) what it is about this fella that really gets to you, it'll be easier for you to understand, and easier for you to deal with or "put away", in a little area in the back of your mind.

If its been festering for a ling time, you won't get over it in a day or 2. But is definitely recommend writing things down.. it helps to unload stuff from your brain!

What does your gf think of this obsession?

Taltos

OP I don't think all the counselling in the world will help you here now.

For whatever reason you are choosing to keep dwelling on this. It is almost like a bad habit - one where you flog your relationship until it will crumble under the strain of your self-imposed hell.

Look - you can either choose to just let this go (not easy but when you think if him use a buffer image to distract yourself) and give the relationship a proper chance OR - you can choose to let her past that has nothing to do with you and your own inability or unwillingness to accept that to destroy what could potentially be the relationship of your lifetime.

So what are you going to do?
Choose to let go or choose to destroy this relationship...

Wompa1

driving myself insane wrote: »

Hi,

I have a major major problem with my girlfriends past. Well not so much her past but just one guy in particular. It is never far from my mind and at times I picture and imagine them together. It really hurts me and bothers me and at times gets me really down.

At times I have seriously thought about ending the relationship on numerous occasions because I can't keep putting myself through this mental torture!

Which when you take a step back and look at it, would be very silly to end what is otherwise and excellent happy relationship. Everybody has a past, including myself and if my girlfriend knew of my past she would probably run a mile!

But I just keep going over and over things in my mind. For whatever reason I don't know!? One thing I do know is I CANNOT keep doing this to myself!

What can I do? I have tried counselling with no real success and it actually kind of hurt me to have to keep talking about it!

What can I do? I have tried counselling and tried to reason with myself by saying everybody has a past but both have had no positive effect.

Has anybody had feeling like these before and if so what did they do to combat the thoughts and feelings??

What does the fact that I can't let it go say about me??

Please Help!

Sounds a lot like stuff I went through with an ex. I was crazy about her but then things/people from her past started to really play on my mind. I also went to counselling and it did no good. I managed to kind of shake myself out of it only to the point that I thought about it a lot less and when I did I was able to quickly distract myself.

In the end though I should have took everything on board...like...for you is this one guy she was with? Is he a really bad guy in your opinion or is it just because he's close to you?

If it's because he's a really bad guy that would send me running now from what I've experienced. I ignored my thoughts and thought we all have a past and learn and grow. But my girl didn't learn. She went right back to being a scumbag herself. That's kind of vague but if it's true to what your thinking yourself, you will understand.

LegacyUser

To be honest,this probably isn't what you want to hear.
I was in a relationship many years ago which didn't work out-I adored the guy,he treated me well but for reasons I'm not going to go into,we split up.

Down the line,I met my future husband.A while after we got engaged,and completely
out of the blue ,I found out, that he'd had been in the same college class as the ex ,and had hated him.The fact that I'd been in relationship with ex etc....was hard to get over/forget.
(Of all the guys in all of Ireland,I had to pick 2 with different jobs,from different corners of country who happened to be in college together??)
We considered splitting but didn't.
Honestly?
If I could turn the clock back?
I would have split and not married.Although my husband was very mature at time,(and still says he loves me and would be devastated if anything happened us,)it's been hard work.
It still comes up every so often,and bugs the hell out of me.If the area ex is from is mentioned on tv, he starts all over again.

Goes to show you,wanting to forget and actually forgetting are 2 different things.
Most people have a past nowadays,and it shouldn't affect the current relationship.

If you can't get past this history with your girl,then move on.
If counselling hasn't helped ,then what will?

nowyouresix

You can't change her past, and you can't keep punishing her and yourself by reliving it. She has obviously gotten over her own past, it was hers to deal with, and not yours. You have two choices....get over it....or get out. Simple. People do different things at different stages of their lives....I'm sure you could look at your own past and honestly say you would never have gotten your self in to a particular situation, or done a particular thing if it were now. And so people learn and grow. Whatever it is, there is really no point in storing it as potential ammunition. Everyone has a past. Obviously she cares greatly about you to be honest about it telling you openly....admirable I think. Anyway it seems you have your mind too fixated on it, so I'd just say end it....let her get on with her life and find someone who won't judge.

driving myself insane

Hi, thanks very much for all your responses. Have given me some very good food for thought. I registered on this site because it's a really good place to come and get these issues of my chest because there is nobody I can really talk to, and after a while battling with this issue on a daily basis really takes its toll and can get you down. So thanks for listening. In anyway.. here it goes..

tinkerbell wrote: »

Why is it just one guy in particular? Do you think you're not as good as him or something?

Tbh OP, you have to just let it go. Otherwise you will destroy your relationship. Everyone has a past, you just have to get over it. Would you rather just allow it to fester and therefore she gets sick of it and dumps your or you break it off, or tell yourself "as of today, I am moving on from this and refuse to let it rule my life". It has to be a conscious decision. If you want to get over it, you will.

The reason why it's this one guy is because hes a "player". We live in a small rural town where everybody knows each others business and the thoughts of people knowing they had a past bothers me. It also bothers me the terms of the relationship. He was basically using her and yet she still kept going back to him whenever he came calling. It's almost as if my pride is hurt!

I know I have to let it go but at times its so hard! I don't know why but it is.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Try to figure out what it is that bothers you so much about this one particular guy?

Is that he's some sort of local hero, and you think you'll never live up to him?

Or is he a scumbag, and you can't imagine why you're gf would ever want to be with someone like that?

Or is he just a normal bloke somewhere in the middle?

Whatever sort of fella he is/was, she's not with him anymore. She's with you. You're with her.

It's no point telling you to get over it, because clearly you can't. But maybe if you try think about (and write down) what it is about this fella that really gets to you, it'll be easier for you to understand, and easier for you to deal with or "put away", in a little area in the back of your mind.

If its been festering for a ling time, you won't get over it in a day or 2. But is definitely recommend writing things down.. it helps to unload stuff from your brain!

What does your gf think of this obsession?

See above for the reason why I hate this guy! I think one of the reasons is because it seemed as though he was in control of the relationship and she told me before she really liked him and he ignored her. Now she claims she ended it but it suits her to say that!

It upsets her. She loves me and I haven't brought it up in a while. It's not fair to keep bringing it up but I'm not sure how much I can go on with these thoughts!

Taltos wrote: »

OP I don't think all the counselling in the world will help you here now.

For whatever reason you are choosing to keep dwelling on this. It is almost like a bad habit - one where you flog your relationship until it will crumble under the strain of your self-imposed hell.

Look - you can either choose to just let this go (not easy but when you think if him use a buffer image to distract yourself) and give the relationship a proper chance OR - you can choose to let her past that has nothing to do with you and your own inability or unwillingness to accept that to destroy what could potentially be the relationship of your lifetime.

So what are you going to do?
Choose to let go or choose to destroy this relationship...

I want to let go, I really do and all it takes is a song to come on the radio that was released the time they were seeing eachother and I'm back thinking of it!

Wompa1 wrote: »

Sounds a lot like stuff I went through with an ex. I was crazy about her but then things/people from her past started to really play on my mind. I also went to counselling and it did no good. I managed to kind of shake myself out of it only to the point that I thought about it a lot less and when I did I was able to quickly distract myself.

In the end though I should have took everything on board...like...for you is this one guy she was with? Is he a really bad guy in your opinion or is it just because he's close to you?

If it's because he's a really bad guy that would send me running now from what I've experienced. I ignored my thoughts and thought we all have a past and learn and grow. But my girl didn't learn. She went right back to being a scumbag herself. That's kind of vague but if it's true to what your thinking yourself, you will understand.

It's not so much I'm close to him. Like I know him (small town) use to have a pint with him and the lads in the local so thats mainly why.

Not Much Help wrote: »

To be honest,this probably isn't what you want to hear.
I was in a relationship many years ago which didn't work out-I adored the guy,he treated me well but for reasons I'm not going to go into,we split up.

Down the line,I met my future husband.A while after we got engaged,and completely
out of the blue ,I found out, that he'd had been in the same college class as the ex ,and had hated him.The fact that I'd been in relationship with ex etc....was hard to get over/forget.
(Of all the guys in all of Ireland,I had to pick 2 with different jobs,from different corners of country who happened to be in college together??)
We considered splitting but didn't.
Honestly?
If I could turn the clock back?
I would have split and not married.Although my husband was very mature at time,(and still says he loves me and would be devastated if anything happened us,)it's been hard work.
It still comes up every so often,and bugs the hell out of me.If the area ex is from is mentioned on tv, he starts all over again.

Goes to show you,wanting to forget and actually forgetting are 2 different things.
Most people have a past nowadays,and it shouldn't affect the current relationship.

If you can't get past this history with your girl,then move on.
If counselling hasn't helped ,then what will?

You see here is the thing, I have thought about splitting up BUT I know its her past. I have a much more colourful past. She a great girl and before this all came about I felt she was the one! I still at times think she still is but at times I think life is too short to be unhappy. I finished with my last serious girlfriend on really good terms, well all things considered but for 18 months or so I missed her like crazy! I thought about her 24/7 and was so annoyed that I walked away from that relationship without even trying and when I found out she had a new boyfriend it almost cut me in 2.

This relationship is soo much more than that one ever was. So I don't want to finish it and then have them same feelings all over again!! I want to try my utmost to get over what is essentially my problem! When I think about it clearly and after seeing your replies I see how silly I am being but give it a couple of days it somehow reamerges and becomes an issue in my mind!!

nowyouresix wrote: »

You can't change her past, and you can't keep punishing her and yourself by reliving it. She has obviously gotten over her own past, it was hers to deal with, and not yours. You have two choices....get over it....or get out. Simple. People do different things at different stages of their lives....I'm sure you could look at your own past and honestly say you would never have gotten your self in to a particular situation, or done a particular thing if it were now. And so people learn and grow. Whatever it is, there is really no point in storing it as potential ammunition. Everyone has a past. Obviously she cares greatly about you to be honest about it telling you openly....admirable I think. Anyway it seems you have your mind too fixated on it, so I'd just say end it....let her get on with her life and find someone who won't judge.

I know I cant, although I wish I could! I want to get over it, but I'm finding it so so hard, for some reason??

Yea I did admire it. She wasnt quite so honest about certain things and things then came out via a 3rd party which greatly upset me also.


Basically I know its my issue. I love this girl and want this to work. I'm looking for ways to get over this issue and not let it affect me and bother me or be in my mind.

Because if I can't im going to have to end it. Because at the end of the day I can't keep doing this to myself! But I don't want to end it and then a year down the line let it be the biggest regret of my life and then for it to be too late!

I want to try my hardest one last time to get away from this problem. How do I do this?

Thanks for the replies thus far, looking forward to hearing from you again!

LegacyUser

I can guess the reason you're so bothered by this. you said yourself you have a more colourful past and I'll believe you. I'm also going to assume you're a balanced bloke with his head screwed on. So logically, numbers etc... aren't going to bother you. It was just this one bloke and the fact that she kept going back to him. in your head, it shows a lack of character and self respect in a person to willingly go back to being treated like ****. If it was one of your mates who kept doing that to himself, you'd call him and eejit and give him a kick up the hole. you can't really do the same with a girlfriend

There's two things you need to take away from this, for better or worse and it's a harsh lesson too mate.
1) Her past will always be there and so will he. You have to see her as she is now. Would she let someone walk over her again? I don't know the answer to that, only you do. she's your missus. 2) There is a myth, disguised as a reality to some, that telling someone about telling your partner about your past sex life shows, as someone might have described it above, courage and trust. It doesn't. A person's sexual past is their's. I would never tell my girlfriend about my past. It's not colourful for a lad my age at all but I don't think it's "honest" to turn to her and tell her all about the things i did with my ex girlfriends. I think it's a downright harsh thing to do to someone. People will always tell you a person's past partners is not important. I agree, so why bring it up in the first place?

I think when you look at things in black and white, you can see what the best thing to do is. If you believe she's changed from the person she was when your man was around, then work on it and it will improve down the line and eventually disappear. But if you don't think she has, then break up with her, because it's going to happen down the line anyway.

BarackPyjama

Be a man and get over it. If the guy is a local 'player' as you say, then she won't have been the only girl he was with, right? And your girlfriend should hardly be ostracised for life or burnt at the steak for making a poor decision in her past.

If it's an issue of pride or humiliation because you live in a small town and people have little better to do than gossip - let them. Take your girlfriend and move to the city where nobody gives a fook.

daisybelle2008

driving myself insane wrote: »

It also bothers me the terms of the relationship. He was basically using her and yet she still kept going back to him whenever he came calling. It's almost as if my pride is hurt!

I think this is the crux of your problem. Because she had such low standards for herself in the past about how people treated her, on some level this devalues your current situation for you.

I think splitting up is your only solution. This situation is not going to fix itself in the relationship. If you are meant to be you will get back together. But you need to sort this issue out away from her. All this stress and unhappiness is a sort of alarm bell telling you that this is actually not right for you. You are ignoring based on the fact, you may miss and regret it down the line. That is the same reason people stay in abusive relationships.

Take a break, clear your head and only go back to the relationship if you can do so unconditional of what happened in her past.

nowyouresix

Is it that subconsciously , as you know she went back to him a few times, that you think she'll go back again? Us ladies are often sucked in by the Bad Boy as it were. Fact is that she's with you, so obviously you're a better person than him, why not dwell on that ?

Hope you sort it out in your head!

nowyouresix

Is it that subconsciously , as you know she went back to him a few times, that you think she'll go back again? Us ladies are often sucked in by the Bad Boy as it were. Fact is that she's with you, so obviously you're a better person than him, why not dwell on that ?

Hope you sort it out in your head!