Not inviting mother to wedding

loveisdivine

Right, apologies in advance if this is long winded but I just have to get it out there.

I have known for a few years now that I dont want my mother at my wedding. She has been an alcoholic since before I was born. There was some good years in my childhood, where she hid her drinking well, but most of it was a mess.
She snowballed about 6-7 years ago and I had some pretty awful experiences with her. She has been close to death many times, but has always pulled through. She has emabarrased me on so many levels, and so many times. I dont really feel like she is my mother anymore, because shes not the same person she was, and the relationship we did have has been shattered over the years by her actions.

I know in my heart of hearts that I do not want her there. She made a scene at my sisters wedding and I dont want the same happening at mine.

My family, including my mother, all live in England. She is in a wheelchair now and doesnt go out much. I dont honestly think she would make it over here in one piece. She is also still very bitter towards my dad, even though they divorced when i was ten.
I cannot see her spending the day and night, in a foreign country, surrounded by people she has hated for so long, and also surrounded by alcohol, without something going wrong. Even if nothing went wrong I would spend the whole day on edge, and watching her every move.

My question is, when do I tell her? I'm going to write her a letter, as we havent spoken on the phone in years, explaining that I dont think its feasible for her to be at the wedding, and it would be less stressful for her, and in turn less stressful for me, that if instead of attending the wedding, we flew over to England after the wedding and spent a little time with her to celebrate.

Should I do this now? Or wait? The wedding isnt for another year and a half but I feel if I wait its just going to play on my mind until its done.

MyKeyG

Personally I'd wait. A year and a half is a long time to have your mother bend your ear and guilt you if she decides to take exception to what you've decided. I'd tell her when you send out the invitations.

syklops

loveisdivine wrote: »

My question is, when do I tell her? I'm going to write her a letter, as we havent spoken on the phone in years, explaining that I dont think its feasible for her to be at the wedding, and it would be less stressful for her, and in turn less stressful for me, that if instead of attending the wedding, we flew over to England after the wedding and spent a little time with her to celebrate.

Should I do this now? Or wait? The wedding isnt for another year and a half but I feel if I wait its just going to play on my mind until its done.

She lives in another country, but you have not spoken to her on the phone in years. Are you in contact with her? It comes across as though you are not. Does she know you are engaged? Has she met your boyfriend?

Normally in a wedding type situation, the debate whether to invite Alcoholic Aunty Mary who will arrive at the church drunk, or Inappropriate Uncle Pat who will make a pass at the bridesmaid(and possibly even the flowergirls) is difficult because despite their faults, you love them and they are part of your family.

However, if you have not spoken to her in years and are no longer in contact with her why write anything?

Leannep23

Sounds like you have had a tough time and I totally understand your reasons for coming to your decision. It also sounds like you have thought it through properly. I would wait for a while to tell and perhaps say it a month or two before the wedding invitations are sent. I also think the idea of spending time celebrating over their with her would be a really good gesture and take the sting out of not being invited.

ElleEm

I agree with MyKey. Tell her when the invites go out.

Once you tell her, you'll have her/ your dad/ your family try to coerce you into inviting her. There's no need to let her know now. Regardless of how you feel about her, it will still hurt her. I would imagine if she knows NOW that you don't want her there in 1.5 yrs, it will hurt her more.

loveisdivine

She doesnt know that we have set a date yet. She just thinks were engaged with no plans to marry yet. So it if feasable to wait till nearer the time.

I just wanted a second opinion, thanks

loveisdivine

Only just saw those other posts there.

The last time I saw here was just over 2 years ago, when I took the other half to meet her, it went awfully. She kept asking what his dad did for a living, he kept replying "my dad dies 8 years ago" but she kept asking!

My family all understand my decision. My dad used to live with her so knows what shes likes, and my sister has been through it all with me so she gets it. If she had her wedding again she says she would not invite her to the evening, just the ceremony. Obviously thats not an option for me.

We send christmas/birthday cards and token presents but thats it.

I think I will wait till nearer the time. You guys are right, it would seem more offensive now.

D3PO

OP Id wait till you send the invites out and then call her and explain why you are not inviting her. I mean you dont really have a relationship with her anymore so in that regard you shuld have no guilt at all about doing this.

loveisdivine

I dont have guilt about not inviting her. I just dont want to upset her too much, so I'd rather deliver the news the best way possible to try and minimise any hurt feelings.

I really wish I didnt have to even deal with this. But unfortunately it has to be done.

I dont know why I'm worried about her feelings so much anyway. She forgot about mine a long time ago. I think its only becuase we still send christmas/birthday presents and cards that I still feel obligated to explain myself to her. I know if she had a choice we would have a much better relationship, but I let go of it a long time ago. She thinks all can be forgiven but it just cant.

groovyg

Why don't you just get married and tell her afterwards.

keyboardcook

At the same time you send out the wedding invites. At least then she hears it from you, rather than go looking for her invite or wondering where it is.

superleedsdub

I personally would say it to her now as if you wait until the invites she may be aware of the date you have set and have her hopes built up for your big day. if you set the expectation early on then there will be less of an impact (or drama) closer to your wedding when the chances are you`ll already be a little stressed.

I got married last year and dealt with similar issues head on very early on and it was a great help to not have a potentially nasty situation to deal with down the road before the event that may have you stressed out.

boogaloop

Sounds like a difficult relationship, sorry to hear that. I also get your desire to 'get it over with' and tell her now, but with the wedding a year and a half away then is there a possibility that she could persuade you to change your mind?

What about your sister or anyone else in your family, could they tell her on your behalf, or would that be even worse?

Good luck with your decision, whatever you decide to do.

McCloskey_A

I can completely understand your perspective here,
My mother brought us up on her own, she always drank but about 10 years ago when she re married, she got a lot worse, her husband is also an alcoholic, we have had a very difficult and stressful relationship over the years,
She was v happy when I got engaged and had been making an effort! However sadly died v suddenly just after we set our date last year,
So I suppose what I'm trying to say is - while relationships are difficult, can you imagine her not being at your wedding? Faults and all? If the answer Is yes, then you have a clear decision,
But I wouldn't leave it where you have regrets about anything!

Fozzie Bear

My missus was a bridesmaid at her best friends wedding last year where the Bride did not invite her mother. They have no relationship at all apart from her mother sending her the odd abusive text message or gloating if/when something goes wrong in the girls life. Break ups, illness etc. I think the mother has mental issues myself from what I have heard of her. The mother and father are separated like yours OP for years and although some of her sisters still have contact with the mother it is limited too.

Anyway the bride did not even bother contacting her mother to let her know she was not invited. They have not had any meaningful contact in years and she saw no point in contacting her so that she could start an argument or bend her ear about it. The wedding was held in the Grooms parish which is the other side of the country from the brides home town.

People were on tender hooks the morning of the wedding as they expected the mother to make contact or try to be nasty in some way toward the bride. But as it turned out she sent a simple text message wishing her well in her married life.

I personally would not bother contacting your mother at all to be honest. Why give her the chance to be nasty or start an argument. Let sleeping dogs lie would be my advise.

Good luck with whatever you do. Its not a nice situation to be faced with from having seen it first hand.

loveisdivine

If I could have my mother from 12 years ago at my wedding, then I would love it. But there is no way thats ever going to happen, she will never be the person she was.
All she ever causes me is grief. I have a step mother who I consider to be more of a motherly figure for me now.

I couldnt not tell her, my sister speaks to her regularly so it would be hard for my sister to not talk about it, and subseqeuntly would put my sister in a difficult position trying to explain herself.

I will tell her, I think early next year, about 6 months before the wedding. Whether I write a letter, or tell her over the phone or in person, I havent decided yet.

I wish she wasnt still a part of my life, albeit a very tiny part, that way I wouldnt have the stress of having the awkward conversation.