Flustered When Asked A Personal Question

robman60

Hi, I'm a 16 year old guy. About an hour ago, I was hanging out with my three closest friends, all male.

I wasn't really concentrating on the conversation but they were saying how some guy isn't "comfortable with his sexuality" and then one fella says 'like you" pointing to me kind of jokingly. Then another friend says "ya are you gay" to me.

I don't know why but I got so flustered and red I couldn't even look at him. I said the dumbest **** ever "I never have been gay, never will". Not only that but I said it in such a weak voice too. All of them were visibly taken aback as anyone would swear I was gay.

I have no problems with gay people, but I amnt fay and have never felt anything sexual towards a man. How can I "reassure" them I'm not if you understand what I mean. I don't have facebook and I'd go red instantly if I said it face to face.

I know this is minor, but it's upset me a lot.

woodchuck

So is the issue that you think your friends think you might be gay, but you’re not?

I’d just let it go if I was you. If you bring it up it just looks like you’re over compensating or something. If it’s just based on that one incident they’ve probably forgotten about it and you should too. I’m not sure why you feel the need to ‘reassure’ them.

robman60

woodchuck wrote: »

So is the issue that you think your friends think you might be gay, but you’re not?

I’d just let it go if I was you. If you bring it up it just looks like you’re over compensating or something. If it’s just based on that one incident they’ve probably forgotten about it and you should too. I’m not sure why you feel the need to ‘reassure’ them.

Yes, that's the issue.

No way have they forgotten. My friend even said "if you're not gay, why can't you even look at me". He went on to say he wouldn't mind if his friends were gay and all so it's fairly obvious. It's also not the first time. He's asked me before kind of, and I always felt uncomfortable with that for some reason.

I was thinking of sending a text along the lines of: just so you know, I'm not gay, you're probably right about me not being too comfortable with sexuality though haha.

Would that just seem dumb? It seems okay to me, and we've been friends for over ten years, so I think he ought to believe me.

Overheal

Sounds like you are in lack of sexual confidence owing majorly to the fact that I'm guessing you've never had much luck with the women have you?

robman60

Overheal wrote: »

Sounds like you are in lack of sexual confidence owing majorly to the fact that I'm guessing you've never had much luck with the women have you?

Well a couple of shifts at discos is pretty much it...

The worst thing of all is that I'm meant to go to Dublin with them in an hour. We're in T.Y. And decided to go to Dublin to the Young Scientist with just those three. That's the reason we were hanging out so late in the first place.

I'd really appreciate advice on what I should say to them I've barely slept I've felt so uncomfortable.

I don't want to change topic, but is there a chance my insecurity around sexuality isn't just because of this? I've always been uncomfortable, even when young. I also haven't masturbated in over a year by personal choice, which
is probably really uncommon for someone my age I think.


I feel so bad about all this and I've never been strong mentally either so all of this is really affecting me

Taltos

OP - you really need to stop stressing on this.

Also - I think you raising this again with them will smack of you trying to convince them.
If they ask you again just tell them you are not but that you are shy around women - leave it at that. I would also recommend you do not try to overcompensate by pointing out any and all attractive women - best case one of these women will hear you and think you shallow for objectifying women, worst cast your mates will spot what you are doing and be even more convinced you are gay.

You could always take the humorous approach next time - respond with "gawd wish I was as having no luck with any girls right now" .

Finally - who knows it could be one of your friends is actually gay and is testing you all to see how they will be accepted in the group if they come out. If this is the case please be aware of what you say - chances are they may be feeling very vulnerable and lost so don't go the route of gay bashing, that is not cool.

Taltos

robman60 wrote: »

I feel so bad about all this and I've never been strong mentally either so all of this is really affecting me

Wanted to address this separately.
OP - I have two problems with this
a) there is nothing wrong with being gay, despite what closeminded people try to tell you.
b) if this is affecting you to this extent then your real issue here is not what you mates think of you - but how you need others to see you.

Please do what you can to increase your own self-confidence and lessen your reliance on the approval of others. If necessary talk to someone in your school and ask for help in doing this. Many learn confidence by doing something they love and excelling in it - one of the reasons sports is so beneficial. Others learn confidence by coming to appreciate who they are without needing external support. Either way - please do have a chat or do something now to change how you view yourself. Maybe even build on the fact you are going to Young Scientist as something to be proud about, not everyone gets to go there.

woodchuck

To be honest it sounds like they're just having a laugh and the fact that you're taking them seriously is probably why they're reacting strangely. Guys’ calling each other gay is practically a national pastime! I think you need to try and toughen up a bit and learn to laugh it off.

robman60 wrote: »

I also haven't masturbated in over a year by personal choice, which is probably really uncommon for someone my age I think.

I don’t mean to sound crass, but maybe a little ‘stress release’ would do you some good?

Overheal

robman60 wrote: »

I don't want to change topic, but is there a chance my insecurity around sexuality isn't just because of this? I've always been uncomfortable, even when young. I also haven't masturbated in over a year by personal choice, which
is probably really uncommon for someone my age I think.

:eek:....my brain would explode.

Taltos

Hi Overheal

why I agree with the sentiment can you please review our charter if you have not already done so, specifically but not limited to the two points below?

Any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.
most of all, if you have nothing relevant to add to the topic, please refrain from posting anything at all.

Thanks
Taltos

Overheal

apologies, I should have made it clear I would advise the OP on trying to relieve himself and seeing if that changes his outlook.

edit: coincidentally just found on my facebook newsfeed:

Whenever someone says "That's so gay!", your response should be "Yes I like it too!"

Sound advice :pac:

blatantrereg

Getting embarrassed by stuff like that at 16 is really not a big deal.

I also haven't masturbated in over a year by personal choice, which
is probably really uncommon for someone my age I think.

This is a really really bad idea. You indicated that you're not sexually active - which is true for most 16 year olds and not a bad idea itself at all. But it's unhealthy for guys not to have sexual release. For one thing it increases the risk of prostate cancer.

I would put it to you that your awkwardness in that situation and your abstinence are related. Personally, I feel noticeably less calm/more awkward/more irritable if I go a fairly short time without release. I wouldnt be able to form a coherent sentence if I tried doing what you're doing. I don't mean this in a judgemental manner at all, but all you're doing is repressing yourself.