Giving friend your PIN?

Rosy Posy

My husband and I are very good friends with another couple. We have loads in common and our kids go to school together but...financially they are really struggling, where as we are relatively well off.

Anyway, the other evening they were over at ours for a few drinks, and ran out of smokes. At this point the two lads were over the limit to drive but myself and herself weren't, but I was putting the baby to bed, so she decided to drive to the shops. My husband couldn't find his wallet so he asked me for my card (which is a debit card but also a credit card) and my PIN, to give to her. I was pretty uncomfortable with this and said no (also I don't smoke). We ended up getting into a tiff about it with him basically calling me cheap, that it was shameful of me to 'make' them break their last fifty quid in the world to spend on smokes.

Now, imho, it wasn't the money which I wouldn't begrudge them, but that I didn't want to put temptation in their way. Makes me feel like a sh1t for thinking this way but I felt like I was safeguarding the friendship by trying to keep money out of it.

Point of interest: he is a gambler and spends a large portion of their income on drink, also has stolen from employers and friends in the (dim and distant) past...

Not sure if they heard us arguing but things have been a bit frosty since (possibly because I stopped him from driving at an advanced stage in the evening)

All in all, its a bit awkward...

I feel like I was justified in the stance I took, but maybe I was being callous and judgmental (as my husband thinks)?...should I apologise? I just want things to go back to normal...

MitchKoobski

Regardless of who they were you were dead right not to give the PIN away. Your spouse I can understand, but giving your friends your PIN seems like madness to me.

Beruthiel

Not even my husband has my pin.
You were dead right OP.

Ickle Magoo

Not only were you completely right not to give out your pin - I'd also be questioning why your friends weren't demanding they pay for their own smokes they had 50 squid to spend...if money's an issue then the gambling and other bad habits get the elbow - not being reliant on mates to pay your way which is only ever going to lead to issues.

Daisy M

Sorry but I am not clear on a couple of things, who ran out of cigs, your husband or the other couple? Who are things frosty with now and who do you want things to back to normal with your husband or the other couple? Who did you stop driving your husband or the friend?

I think your husband has created a scene where there was no need to he could have asked for you card and pin and taken a lift to the shop with the other lady, surely this would have made more sense than ever suggesting giving your pin to someone else. I personally would not be comfortable been given someone elses card and pin to use I would feel if something went wrong with funds in the account that I would be under suspicion. However it would be a little insulting to think my friend would not trust me with her pin and even though I may never even want it I would be hurt to think she wouldnt trust me with it, so if things are a little frosty with them this could be why.

I would give a trusted friend my pin but would not expect to be asked unless it was an emergency and there were no other options. Personally I think your husband acted immaturely he needs to take a little responsibility that he was too over the limit to drive, he lost his wallet and he was the one to comeup with a stupid idea of accessing cash rather than putting himself out a little and popping out to the shop with the other lady.

LittleBook

Daisy M wrote: »

However it would be a little insulting to think my friend would not trust me with her pin and even though I may never even want it I would be hurt to think she wouldnt trust me with it, so if things are a little frosty with them this could be why.

Daisy, I agree with everything you've said in your post except for this one thing. I would never be insulted to think a friend didn't trust me with their pin, it's simply not something I would EVER expect a friend to divulge, particularly as a favour to me.

As you said, it's not clear who is being awkward and frosty but I suspect it's the husband.

ando

You clearly don't trust them (and understandably seeing the history involved), if you did you would have given it to them but you're right in not giving out your pin, it’s your bank account for god’s sake and you can’t be naive in these difficult days. Aside from that I would never dream of asking anyone for their pin, but I can see why it has made things awkward.

If things got really difficult for them and they were struggling to put bread on the table, do you think your friendship would be the priority for them?... they know your pin... Im not saying they would do something, but the temptation is there for sure. Its horrible to think like that but you have to protect yourself

Daisy M

LittleBook wrote: »

Daisy, I agree with everything you've said in your post except for this one thing. I would never be insulted to think a friend didn't trust me with their pin, it's simply not something I would EVER expect a friend to divulge, particularly as a favour to me.

As you said, it's not clear who is being awkward and frosty but I suspect it's the husband.

You see I agree and I wouldnt expect them to give it to me but I wouldnt like to think they wouldnt trust me with it either, if that makes sense! So I dont know if insulted is quiet the right word I think while I would understand and would never have expected it. I suppose I just wouldnt want to hear " no, I am not giving her my pin" I think I would be just a little hurt despite been able to rationalise the logic behind the refusal. I cant see myself ever in this type of situation and I would be more angry at the person who needlessly put me in it whichever side of the coin I were on.

cliona8969

what i dont understand here is how your friend having your pin would be of any use should temptation arrive? she would have to have your card also to use the pin surely?

ronjo

I think I am going against the norm here but if it was my close friend then yes, I would trust them with my PIN.

ManOfMystery

I fully agree that you were right not to give out your PIN, OP. I have some very close friends I trust almost implicitly, but I still wouldn't give out my PIN - it's too risky nowadays. Asides from the fact that the man in question has a history of stealing (no matter how long ago it was), it's also risky that they could write your PIN down or pass it on and someone else would gain access to it.

I don't really see the big deal about breaking their last fifty. If they don't want to break it, don't smoke. If they have no money, cut back on the smoking and drinking. It's their problem, not yours.

gugleguy

I have NOT given out my PIN. EVER.
I have helped couples in distress, in my last callcentre job.
I have my own things to deal with, - the last time I asked for a bailout from a friend/relation was February 2001 - my Dad - I repaid it a month later - it was 100 punts = 127 euro at the time.

ronjo

gugleguy wrote: »

I have NOT given out my PIN. EVER.
I have helped couples in distress, in my last callcentre job.
I have my own things to deal with, - the last time I asked for a bailout from a friend/relation was February 2001 - my Dad - I repaid it a month later - it was 100 punts = 127 euro at the time.

And thats your choice of course.
I was just giving my opinion and I can read it just fine with capitalising words for effect.

As per the OPs question, I just want to add that I dont think she has done anything wrong.

Nyan Cat

You were right OP. I have close friends and family I trust. But I would not give them my pin. Not because I don't trust them but because it's just stupid to give ANYONE but people named on the account, your pin.

In the trust issue - I've been burned by people whom I could supposedly trust. So even if I trust the person, there are limits.

I can hardly believe she even had the gall to ask. That's beyond rude frankly. Even if they do think you're rich.

neuro-praxis

I don't blame you for not giving out your pin. It looks like you have good reason not to do so.

I would (and have done in the past) give my pin to any close friend if needed.

But to me a friend is someone you trust. You describe this couple as close friends. I am not questioning your judgement in this situation, but I would question how close you really are to them, if they cannot be trusted? Maybe they are not really friends - just people you socialise with.

Alibaba

You were dead right. Never ever give your PIN to anyone , and i don't think you have anything to apologise for .

aidan24326

It's an issue of trust really. I'd have no problem allowing someone I trust (e.g my girlfriend, brother etc) to use my card where necessary. I know my girlfriend's pin number and she knows mine, but we trust each other so it's not a problem.

You obviously don't trust this guy so in that context you were right not to give him your pin number. They had money anyway and your husband was wrong to make you feel bad for the stance you took. You give away information like that to someone you absolutely trust, but no-one else. And if you don't trust these people then I'd question why you would want to be friends with them in the first place.

well the way i look at it is, i would trust my best friend, but thats beside the point, its a Personal Identification Number, not to be used by anyone except the holder, simple as that. You wouldnt give anyone your PPS

Nyan Cat

eh, why does trusting someone seem to mean you have to trust them with absolutely anything in order for it to be called actual 'trust'? there are levels of trust. id trust my parents with my life, but not someone i get together with socially (and enjoy spending time with). id trust my best friend with a loan of money (a larger amount, if i had it), i wouldnt trust most of my family with that but id trust them with other things.

people may be deserving of trust with one thing but not another. it doesnt mean you should get rid of the friendship/family ties. just because you cannot trust them or they feel they cannot trust you with every single thing. im sure i have friends that wouldnt want to have to trust me ith their life, even if I know they could trust me.

ive seen it happen - whereby a person keeps repeatedly trusting someone else with the same thing, keeps getting burned but keeps doing it because they dont want to lose the friendship. now thats not right. if a person would cut you off as a friend because you wont give them a loan or trust them with your pin, then thats a good reason to see the back of that friendship.

the OP's husband probably doesnt want to lose these friends and thats why he reacted as he did.

tinkerbell

OP, your husband was completely out of order. In fact, it makes me wonder has he given the friends his own PIN before and is funding them without you knowing?

You were dead right not to give them your PIN, you should not give it to anyone. Especially anyone with a gambling problem and someone who has stolen before from friends and work colleagues! Your husband sounds like he was out of his mind to even consider it! Besides, it wasn't even an emergency! (Not that I would've given them the PIN even if it was) They wanted to buy fags, they shouldn't be bumming off their friends for the price of smokes and even if it was their last €50 well it's their problem if they want to spend their last €50 on booze and fags.

Well done OP for standing your ground, you were dead right.

Miaireland

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, your husband was completely out of order. In fact, it makes me wonder has he given the friends his own PIN before and is funding them without you knowing?

You were dead right not to give them your PIN, you should not give it to anyone. Especially anyone with a gambling problem and someone who has stolen before from friends and work colleagues! Your husband sounds like he was out of his mind to even consider it! Besides, it wasn't even an emergency! (Not that I would've given them the PIN even if it was) They wanted to buy fags, they shouldn't be bumming off their friends for the price of smokes and even if it was their last €50 well it's their problem if they want to spend their last €50 on booze and fags.

Well done OP for standing your ground, you were dead right.

I agree with everything Tinkerbell said. She just saved me having to type it out.

OS119

OP, i'd agree with most of what others have written here - but i think you've got a bigger problem than a bit of frostyness with some people who can't manage their own finances.

your hubby drinks more than he can handle. the evidence of this is that when pissed your husband thinks its a good idea to give your debit/credit card, and PIN number to other pissed people who are skint and have a history of robbing people they are friends with.

hopefully he's only this stupid when he's pissed.

Hank Scorpio

I've given my pin and card to plenty of people family/friends. What good is a pin without having the card? Plus its easy to check bank statements online. I know other peoples pin numbers as well. If you don't trust the guy I can understand and agree with your point of view.

Caxton

I certainly don’t want to know anyone’s pin regardless how friendly we are. If they’ve given me the pin, then it’s likely they’ve also given it to others. Now, should there be an unfortunate incident where funds go missing, I understandably could fall under suspicion, a situation I’d prefer to avoid.

MissFlitworth

I wouldn't agree that you couldn't be good friends with someone if you wouldn't trust them with your pin. A couple of my friends & my partner would know my pin but I wouldn't give it to a very close family member (who I love to bits) because they have substance abuse issues & the temptation would be too much for them. You can think the world of someone but also know them, completely unblinkered, for who they are.

I don't think you were wrong, I'm sure it would have been a different issue entirely if you had cash to give them rather than allowing them unfettered access to your bank account

Rosy Posy

Daisy M wrote: »

Sorry but I am not clear on a couple of things, who ran out of cigs, your husband or the other couple? Who are things frosty with now and who do you want things to back to normal with your husband or the other couple? Who did you stop driving your husband or the friend?

everyone ran out of cigs at the same time...as we live rurally in this situation people generally share whatever they have and usually it comes round...

things are frosty with me and the other girl, or at least we haven't spoken since the weekend which is highly unusual, and she didn't talk to me the next day before leaving but think she was very hung over

I stopped the guy of the other couple from driving away with her as she got too drunk and wanted to go home but I made them stay over...on reflection this might be the source of the frostiness as she seemed grand earlier in the night

Daisy M

Rosy Posy wrote: »

everyone ran out of cigs at the same time...as we live rurally in this situation people generally share whatever they have and usually it comes round...

things are frosty with me and the other girl, or at least we haven't spoken since the weekend which is highly unusual, and she didn't talk to me the next day before leaving but think she was very hung over

I stopped the guy of the other couple from driving away with her as she got too drunk and wanted to go home but I made them stay over...on reflection this might be the source of the frostiness as she seemed grand earlier in the night

Ok so it would seem they had no expectations of using your card that was all your husbands idea. You were right to stop them driving and if that is the reason for her frostiness then thats her problem. Put this behind you make it clear to your husband you dont want to be put in such a difficult position again and tell him to respect your point of view regarding your personal belongings.

LittleBook

Rosy Posy wrote: »

At this point the two lads were over the limit to drive but myself and herself weren't, but I was putting the baby to bed, so she decided to drive to the shops.

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I stopped the guy of the other couple from driving away with her as she got too drunk and wanted to go home but I made them stay over...on reflection this might be the source of the frostiness as she seemed grand earlier in the night

Sweet jebus, so either she's annoyed with you because she overheard (or your husband told her) that you wouldn't give out your PIN or she's annoyed with you for not letting her be driven home by a drunk driver? Maybe she's embarrassed because she got so drunk she had to stay over, has this happened before? Was her babysitter staying over at her house??

OR ... she doesn't really have a problem, you just happen to have not spoken to her yet this week.

If you're worried about it and you want to keep her as a friend, give her a ring. By all means discuss Saturday night but do not bring up the PIN conversation. That was between you and your husband and you were perfectly correct.

But if she knows about it, is (unfairly) annoyed about it and she senses that you are unsure that what you did was right, she will feel vindicated.

Act as if everything is OK as far as you're concerned and take it from there.

Rosy Posy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Not only were you completely right not to give out your pin - I'd also be questioning why your friends weren't demanding they pay for their own smokes they had 50 squid to spend...if money's an issue then the gambling and other bad habits get the elbow - not being reliant on mates to pay your way which is only ever going to lead to issues.

This is probably my biggest problem with the whole situation, that in my heart of hearts I personally could never condone spending money on drink and smokes and gambling when I had trouble putting bread on the table and keeping up with the rent. But that's also what makes me feel like I'm being judgemental.

A long time ago I made a private decision not to give/lend them any cash as I had done so in the past and always had to ask for it back, sometimes more than once, and because I felt that I was enabling him in his addictive behaviour. I mean if people keep bailing them out when he's p1ssed away their food budget then they'll never realise what a problem it is but its hard when children are involved. Their house is cold and damp and my heart breaks for the kids but I try to help them out in ways that aren't financial. Also if we ever have a (rare) night out I pretty much always bankroll her- if I didn't she just wouldn't be able to come and her life is stressful enough.

I know a lot of people are questioning why I would have a friendship with someone I couldn't trust but I think that that's why I didn't want to go there. I'd be afraid to test her trust by putting her in that position where she'd be tempted to risk the friendship out of desperation.

Lollipops23

If it was best friend I'd do it- when we lived together it was common practice for one of us to go to the atm for the other if we were going to the shops anyway (to save the other a trip).

Having said that, she's probably the only person I'd do that with-my OH doesn't have it, I don't have his etc. I see no problem denying someone your PIN, it's a very personal thing.

Rosy Posy

LittleBook wrote: »

Maybe she's embarrassed because she got so drunk she had to stay over, has this happened before? Was her babysitter staying over at her house??

Her kids were asleep at my house...so I wasn't overly impressed with them thinking of abandoning them. As it was, I looked after all the kids in the morning while they and my husband slept in then they all got up and left...she literally didn't say one word to me the next day despite me trying to have a (light) conversation and making her a cup of coffee which she didn't drink


QUOTE=LittleBook;76444726]If you're worried about it and you want to keep her as a friend, give her a ring. By all means discuss Saturday night but do not bring up the PIN conversation. That was between you and your husband and you were perfectly correct.

But if she knows about it, is (unfairly) annoyed about it and she senses that you are unsure that what you did was right, she will feel vindicated.

Act as if everything is OK as far as you're concerned and take it from there.[/QUOTE]

I know that I should do this but tbh I've been feeling a little bit put upon by the whole situation...aside from the pin issue, if I'd acted like this I'd be calling up feeling sheepish to say thanks/sorry. so I thought I'd just let it be, assuming she'd be in contact- we'd usually speak at least daily- but its been four days now and now it feels really awkward. I should just do it though.

Daisy M

How upset would you be if the friendship were to end? You didnt do anything to warrent her not speaking to you the next morning, she was a guest in your house as were her husband and children. Its hard to believe that she was so hungover she was unable to say a word, if she was then she in my opinion has an alcohol problem. Why did they want to go home when their kids were in your house? From what you say I feel really sorry for their kids, who would choose to spend their last 50e on fags and drink when they have children? If I were you I would be questioning if I really wanted this friendship to continue. What is your husbands stance now?

Rosy Posy

Lollipops23 wrote: »

If it was best friend I'd do it- when we lived together it was common practice for one of us to go to the atm for the other if we were going to the shops anyway (to save the other a trip).

Having said that, she's probably the only person I'd do that with-my OH doesn't have it, I don't have his etc. I see no problem denying someone your PIN, it's a very personal thing.

Think that the reason my OH was p1ssed off was because we have a joint account and he is the sole breadwinner, so he saw it as his property. In fact I've given him my pin before and the only reason he didn't just give over the card and pin straight away was because he couldn't remember it.

Sala

Their past behaviour aside, I wouldn't give my card to drunk people. I trust my partner with our money, joint and sole accounts, but knowing him If my partner was drunk and I gave him my card there is a very good chance he'd lose it! And since your OH doesn't have a card I presume, as he would have used his otherwise, if they lost your card on the way you both would have no access to the money? Makes sense to me to say no.

But I agree with the person who said your OH should have taken a lift and got money out himself.

Rosy Posy

Daisy M wrote: »

How upset would you be if the friendship were to end? You didnt do anything to warrent her not speaking to you the next morning, she was a guest in your house as were her husband and children. Its hard to believe that she was so hungover she was unable to say a word, if she was then she in my opinion has an alcohol problem. Why did they want to go home when their kids were in your house? From what you say I feel really sorry for their kids, who would choose to spend their last 50e on fags and drink when they have children? If I were you I would be questioning if I really wanted this friendship to continue. What is your husbands stance now?

In all other ways she is a very good friend and a lovely person, imo her OH is dragging her down and it kills me to watch it. Were the friendship to break up it would be extremely awkward- small rural community, our kids are best friends and in the same class together- so I don't think that this is an option.

For the record, they didn't spend a whole fifty on fags and booze- they just bought a pack of rolling tobacco and shared it out. The booze was ours. Also the 'last fifty in the world' was my husband being dramatic- himself of the other couple is working, his work was just closed for two weeks over christmas, he's back at work now so they should be earning, and also get welfare.

My husband thinks that I was overreacting and can't believe that I would be suspicious of them but he's over it and thinks that I should get over it too.

Daisy M

I live in a rural area too so I can imagine how awkward this would be and the kids would miss out to so along with you liking this lady I can see why you are reluctant to end the friendship. I suppose all you can do is behave normally when you see her and see what happens.

I can tell you are upset and worried but its possible you are overthinking it too much, and more than likely if she does have the hump she will get over it, if she doesnt there is not a lot you can do.
Try and put it to the back of your mind and see what happens.

As for your husband he is entitled to his opinion and you to yours. It doesnt seem as if he is overly concerned by what happened I think we women overthink things way too much. Let us know how things go when you do see her. Best of luck

Rosy Posy

Daisy M wrote: »

I think we women overthink things way too much

I know, this is what my husband says too. I think that its a fairly simple situation but that all my concerns about the way they are living their lives are making it hard for me to get past it. Will just call up and be normal and see how it goes...

Ickle Magoo

I think you have to accept there is a line and while you are perfectly at rights to be concerned with them having access to your bank account or where your money goes - you really have no right to question how other adults choose to spend their own money.

If you cannot or will not risk/break the friendship then I don't think you have any other option bar put up and shut up...and make sure you and your husband are singing off the same hymn sheet re finances for the next time it happens.

All the best.

The op stated that the card was a debit / credit card - the bank who issued the card retain ownership of that card under terms and conditions, and they can recall retain or suspend the card if the terms and conditions aren't met

Keeping your PIN a secret exclusively to yourself is one of these conditions, simple as that.

OS119

Deleted User wrote: »

The op stated that the card was a debit / credit card - the bank who issued the card retain ownership of that card under terms and conditions, and they can recall retain or suspend the card if the terms and conditions aren't met

Keeping your PIN a secret exclusively to yourself is one of these conditions, simple as that.

conversly, its our money, so we can do what we like with it.

personally - and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the OP - my wife and i share our PIN's and cards, most people i know do the same to some degree or other. you may have a huge moral attachment to the small print in banking contracts, but i'm afraid that you'll find yourself in a tiny minority.

in relevence terms, i think your comment has about as much relevence as 'but the church says you shouldn't..'. people don't care, and the banks neither police the issue, or give sanctions to transgressors.

if its no enforced, its not really a rule.

OS119

OS119 wrote: »

conversly, its our money, so we can do what we like with it.

personally - and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the OP - my wife and i share our PIN's and cards, most people i know do the same to some degree or other. you may have a huge moral attachment to the small print in banking contracts, but i'm afraid that you'll find yourself in a tiny minority.

in relevence terms, i think your comment has about as much relevence as 'but the church says you shouldn't..'. people don't care, and the banks neither police the issue, or give sanctions to transgressors.

if its no enforced, its not really a rule.

For your information the banks do take it seriously, my sister has worked in the card section of a well known bank for several years, and they have retained peoples cards for "mismanagement" - it has been enforced, so check your facts.

IvyTheTerrible

Deleted User wrote: »

For your information the banks do take it seriously, my sister has worked in the card section of a well known bank for several years, and they have retained peoples cards for "mismanagement" - it has been enforced, so check your facts.

Also, if money is "stolen" from your account, but you did not take enough precautions to protect your PIN, you will not get reimbursed. One might think the banks don't police it...they don't police it til you are trying to get your money back!

Completely irrelevant WHAT the other couple wanted to spend the money on, the OP was dead right not to give the PIN number.

leahyl

I'm shocked that anyone would give their PIN to someone aside from their OH or immediate family (in exceptional circumstances) - if it's anybody else NO! No matter how good a friend they are!

pickarooney

Rosy Posy wrote: »

Think that the reason my OH was p1ssed off was because we have a joint account and he is the sole breadwinner, so he saw it as his property.

I hope you don't accept that as fact as though somehow he's graciously funding your life. You've a joint account because you have one income for two jobs. This would piss me off more than the scrounging friends.

Rosy Posy

pickarooney wrote: »

I hope you don't accept that as fact as though somehow he's graciously funding your life. You've a joint account because you have one income for two jobs. This would piss me off more than the scrounging friends.

not at all! I know I pull my weight in the household. In general I'm in charge of the finances- paying bills etc, and if we want to make a big purchase its him asking me 'can we afford it'... just in this situation it came across as him saying 'can I have money for fags' and me saying 'no', even tho he earned it. think that that was in part why he went off on one at the time. as i said before, drink was taken and, to answer a different poster, no, he is considerably more intelligent when sober (or i wouldn't have married him;))

Rosy Posy

sorry for delay in posting- been busy/knackered the last few days

so, I rang her up and acted normally, invited her to a (free) outing with some other families. she was a bit hesitant at first but I didn't mention the other night and neither did she. Think she was embarassed tbh, cause another friend who was there that night said she was being funny with her too.

But...she straight away said she wouldn't come with us but asked me to bring her kids. Now I have a very small baby and it was an outing where I wouldn't be comfortable watching all of them and looking after the baby so I said no but I felt she was being a bit cheeky.

If I had
- invited myself and my family round to someone's house for the night
- stupified myself with their drink
- attempted to abandon my kids there
- slept in while my host fed and looked after my kids for 5hours (even tho she had a young baby that is up in the night and is generally knackered)
- didn't say a word before I left the next morning, even when spoken to/offered a cup of coffee

I'd be morto and even if i was too embarassed to say sorry or thanks would at least laugh it off and try to make it up in some way, not immediately ask for another favor...

...am I being unreasonable?

Daisy M

Well done for saying no If you felt you would not be in a position to watch all the children it would have been irresponsible to have said yes. There is no way she should have asked you, did she even give you a reason for not going herself?

As for her not mentioning what happened the other night, its amazing how many people brush things under the carpet. You have made contact and shown you have no ill feeling the ball is in her court.

Is all the above behaviour you mentioned normal for her and perhaps you havent noticed before?

LittleBook

Rosy Posy wrote: »

he is a gambler and spends a large portion of their income on drink, also has stolen from employers and friends in the (dim and distant) past...

Rosy Posy wrote: »

she is a very good friend and a lovely person, imo her OH is dragging her down and it kills me to watch it.

Agree with everything Daisy said and no, you are not being unreasonable at all regarding the liberties taken at the weekend and this outing you proposed (personally I feel the PIN issue is between you and your husband, not her).

I just wonder ... is this woman a real friend of yours? Or is it simply that you live in the same community, exchange baby-sitting favours, socialise once or twice a month, chat when you meet up, etc.?

I just think I'd be worried about someone who I considered a friend and who is in her situation and who is, frankly, behaving rather oddly.

I'm not saying she's your responsibility, I don't know how much of a friend she is, maybe she has closer friends than you. I just get the impression there's so much more going on here than a simple falling out.

Rosy Posy

LittleBook wrote: »

there's so much more going on here than a simple falling out.

you've hit the nail on the head there, little book. both of us have young kids and no family support so tend to provide that for each other- spending Christmas together and sharing childcare...however, it seems a bit one-sided. I provided so much support for her when she had her last baby and she just wasn't there for me in the same way. they always have 'drama' in their lives, whether to do with their finances or arguments between them (she has shown up at my house in bits with kids in tow countless times, or I have gone over and picked them up after they've had a big barney). I feel that she puts so much energy into supporting him and his habits that she has nothing left to give. Thats why in some ways I wonder if by giving her support am I and the community just enabling him- like if we weren't there to pick up the slack would they have to realise what a messed up situation they're in and be forced to make some changes...its a hard one...

to answer daisy, she is trying to do part time study at the moment so wanted me to take the kids so she could get some work done, which in principal I'm in favor of, it was just this situation that I couldn't watch them all without giving up on our outing, which my kids already had their hearts set on.

kelle

Sala wrote: »

Their past behaviour aside, I wouldn't give my card to drunk people. I trust my partner with our money, joint and sole accounts, but knowing him If my partner was drunk and I gave him my card there is a very good chance he'd lose it! .

Absolutely! Drunk people should not be trusted with PIN numbers! Years ago, my normally very sensible husband did worse than the OP's - we were in Wales, had a few drinks when he joined a queue at the cashpoint, fairly sloshed. There was a group of girls in front of him, when it was his turn one of them said she'd get the money out for him. He gave her the card, then the PIN (:eek:) - then she demanded £10 for doing the favour! Luckily he saw sense and told her to f**k off, and he got away with the card and the money. Nothing further happened after that, but the rest of our weekend break was very frosty to say the least!

OP, you did the right thing! I'm sure your friend has seen all the warnings given by the banks never to divulge your PIN no, and she is being very unreasonable to fall out with you because you did the right thing!

LittleBook

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I feel that she puts so much energy into supporting him and his habits that she has nothing left to give. Thats why in some ways I wonder if by giving her support am I and the community just enabling him- like if we weren't there to pick up the slack would they have to realise what a messed up situation they're in and be forced to make some changes...its a hard one...

Now you've hit the nail on the head.

You and your family come first, simple as. You need to decide how much you can (and want to) do to support your friend and how involved you should be in their "drama".

I think you can give her support without taking over the responsibility for her family that, between them, they seem to be shirking.

If you're close friends, you might consider talking to her but I understand in a small community knowing more about a private situation than they really should, this can be viewed as an intrusion.

In the end, take care of you and yours first and see what (if anything) you can do to help her. You might consider discussing this situation with your husband, I suspect only you (as their main source of support) are aware of what's going on and how it is affecting you.