Relationship & Parent/Child Bond

LegacyUser

Ok so I'm an only child who has had a very close bond with both my parents for all my childhood and into my adulthood.

I'm 22 and live at home with my parents.

I've been going out with a girl for the last 4 months or so. We've been getting on very well and I really like the girl - however at times she can be high maintenance!

I've started spending nights over in my girlfriends apartment. However, increasingly I'm finding that its a case of having to pick between my girlfriend and my mother. This is beginning to do my head.

My mother is a professional social worker who would generally be very in touch with situations like this. However, I think it's a case of her not rationalizing the situation in her own home. There have been a number of issues with me having to fight to grow-up etc... over the past 5 - 6 years. IMO my mother has some issues personally that's shes never addressed.

I was away with my girlfriend for one night last week and spent the week in her place. However, I had to come home yesterday afternoon for a while and then went back over to my girlfriends - when I was leaving it was as if I was breaking her heart. When ever the conversation comes round to me staying with my girlfriend.

I also get the odd snide comment from time to time.

So my question is whether any of you have been in a similar position to myself and if so how did you break the tight bond?

Is the girl of any relevance? Personally, I feel I would probably have gone through this regardless of the girl in question.

Any comments would be most appreciated.

LegacyUser

I've been there, my fella lives with his parents and is close to his mother.
but no matter how close a parent is to their child
they are never part of the childs romantic relationships
the same way you know when someones ma is trying to be a friend to her daughter and all her daughters friends, wouldn't it be silly for the mother to be mad she wasn't asked to the cinema with all the girls, of course it would be there are
boundaries!

I wasn't getting along with my mans parents because I wasn't sitting down and having chats with them, they saw that as rude that I wasn't making the effort.
My bf told me if it came down to choosing between his parents being happy or me he would chose them and I have not forgiven him for saying that.
I know you don't want to upset your own parents but if you have a good relationship with your parents that will always be there but it is not a child like relationship anymore you are both adults (probably not in your mothers eyes)


You do not have to pick!!! You will keep your girlfriend if things are going that well and your mother will deal with it and won't disown you, or else what happens you get rid of this girl for your mothers approval and then next one comes along you'll have to get rid of her as well until you put your foot down.


You do not have to break the bond but the goal posts have to change as you're an adult, you will have adult relationships, move out and do many other things your mother doesnt approve of but she doesn't allow or disallow you, if this has just started the sooner you set boundaries to respect your decision the better than letting things slide.

Beruthiel

It's driving me nuts! wrote: »

So my question is whether any of you have been in a similar position to myself and if so how did you break the tight bond?

I'm the parent of a 24 year old daughter. I had to gently push her to move out. IMO it is unhealthy for a child to still be living with their parent after a certain age.

Firstly, do not argue with your mother, it is difficult for her to see her grown up son ready to leave. It's the end of an era for her.
If she says anything to you in the future, gently point out to her that you are now a grown adult who must make his own way in life.
That you will make mistakes, just as she did, and that you will learn from them.
Point out to her that the day will come when you must move out for good.
That she should not worry as you will come visit her regularly.

This has nothing to do with your g/f btw, no girl would ever be good enough for her baby.

LittleBook

It's driving me nuts! wrote: »

it's a case of her not rationalizing the situation in her own home. There have been a number of issues with me having to fight to grow-up etc... over the past 5 - 6 years. IMO my mother has some issues personally that's shes never addressed.

I was away with my girlfriend for one night last week and spent the week in her place. However, I had to come home yesterday afternoon for a while and then went back over to my girlfriends - when I was leaving it was as if I was breaking her heart. When ever the conversation comes round to me staying with my girlfriend.

I also get the odd snide comment from time to time.

This is not normal behaviour from a parent and I think you can see that for yourself. You've reached the point in your relationship with your mother where there is a subtle switch in who exactly is the "grown-up" in the situation. It won't always be like this I think but, for the moment, you are the "grown-up" and you will be the one to take the high road.

The only teeny-tiny thing I can see which might explain your mother's behaviour is that you yourself call your girlfriend "high maintenance" so I guess there's been a fairly dramatic change in the way you share your time between your parents and the rest of your life.

Neverthless, this is your life and as much as you love your parents and they love you, you just need to get on with it, I'm 99.99% sure she (your mother) will get past this, she just needs time.

Enjoy your relationship with your girlfriend, be aware of the situation with your mother but do not let it dictate your life.

Lollipops23

Beruthiel wrote: »

I'm the parent of a 24 year old daughter. I had to gently push her to move out. IMO it is unhealthy for a child to still be living with their parent after a certain age.

I agree with the sentiment of your post, but not with this point.

I think that it if there are any issues with living at home, then yes it is certainly advisable to move out. But I'm still at home (for a number of personal reasons) and I know that everyone is ok with that- we check in regularly to make sure the arrangement still suits. I come and go pretty much as I please, make a decent contribution to the household, and don't treat my parents like slaves.

In exchange, they let me live my own life and treat my privacy with respect (as I do theirs). I don't see anything "unhealthy" about our set up.(edit- I'm the same age as your daughter)

OP, I think you're right when you say your mother probably can't see what's right in front of her- but you need to be able to live your life as you see fit. She can't play the "poor me" card every time you leave the house, so you need to be firm with her.

Also, you mention the girlfriend is a bit high-maintenance. If you feel you're being bullied into going to hers, please stand up to her. Otherwise you'll end up resenting her.

Beruthiel

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I don't see anything "unhealthy" about our set up.(edit- I'm the same age as your daughter)

Until you are out of the home, being 100% responsible for yourself and not having someone to fall back on, I do not believe you can grow further as a confident adult.

Also, at some point, a parent likes to have their privacy back.
They would like the option of walking round the house naked if they wish without the chance of their child walking in on them.
That is my view on it.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think this is exactly why it's better to move out, if you can; it not only gives you the space and freedoms to explore the world, make mistakes and chose how to live - it also makes a clear statement to your parents that you are now a fully independent adult.

In your parents eyes you are a child, their child - and they have spent the past two decades+ deciding what's best for you and how you should deal with situations in your life - all based on their own personal beliefs and opinions. That is unlikely to stop until the dynamics of you living under their roof and being dependent on them to some degree changes. If at all possible, move out - I cannot recommend enough the added confidence and experiences living as a wholly self-reliant adult allows you to have - not least because it does change the dynamics of that parent-child relationship.

All the best.

Lollipops23

Beruthiel wrote: »

Until you are out of the home, being 100% responsible for yourself and not having someone to fall back on, I do not believe you can grow further as a confident adult.

I've done it for stretches of time (living out of home) and am never defaulted on a bill, managed to eat healthily, iron my clothes etc. I just don't get the attitude of someone not being a valid adult until they live away.

Anyway, I digress. OP, like i said, it seems that you need to stand up to both the important women in your life. Good luck;)