afraid of husband

stephci

hi im married to my husband for 3years we are together nearly 12 years we have 2 young daughters since we got married he has changed and become very jealous and controlling this time last year he came home drunk and starting rowing over absolutly nothing i tried to walk away as thier is no point in talking to someone after a load of drink he started pushing me around and shouting in front of the kids i was really scared cos he was acting like a lunatic i forgave him and now over xmas he went crazy again pushing me and shaking me then he threw a cup at the window and broke the window i just ran out of the house i thought he was going to kill me anyway my question is should i give him another chance or walk away he says he will never do anything like that again but i dont know if i can believe him

I'm sorry to say, OP, but to me it sounds like you should just walk the fuck away. I apologize for my choice of language, but I'm not sure how else to put it. Maybe, just maybe, your walking away will show him that he has to change. To me, and I must state that I have no experience with any of this so it probably isn't accurate at all, it seems like the beginnings of him becoming an abusive husband.

fluffybiscuits

stephci wrote: »

hi im married to my husband for 3years we are together nearly 12 years we have 2 young daughters since we got married he has changed and become very jealous and controlling this time last year he came home drunk and starting rowing over absolutly nothing i tried to walk away as thier is no point in talking to someone after a load of drink he started pushing me around and shouting in front of the kids i was really scared cos he was acting like a lunatic i forgave him and now over xmas he went crazy again pushing me and shaking me then he threw a cup at the window and broke the window i just ran out of the house i thought he was going to kill me anyway my question is should i give him another chance or walk away he says he will never do anything like that again but i dont know if i can believe him

A leopard will never change its spots. There was an aunt of mine who suffered under the regime of a vicious husband and everytime he battered her black and blue he was remorseful, abusive husbands always are. They try to make the victim believe it is their fault and therefore the victim believes they are the ones encouraging the abusive partner when nothing could be further from the truth. Im going to be blunt here, its going to happen again. Go to your family or friends that you can stay with and inform the gardai. They may be able to get a restraining order on him and then take it from there. You need your friends and family around you OP. If nothing is done in a lot of these cases, it just perpetuates a viciosu cycle of abuse that will go on and on and on and every time he will feel sorry and you will be thinking its the last time he will do it. It wont be.

Squiggler

What steps has he agreed to take in order to ensure that this doesn't happen again. Is he going to quit drinking, go to counselling, talk to his gp? Unless he is actually putting any action in place I think you should be extremely wary.

Has he given any explanation as to why he behaves this way? While drink can exacerbate things there is more than that behind this behaviour. He may be unhappy or frustrated with some aspect of his life.

What you do is up to you. You need to do what it takes to protect yourself and your children. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions and modify aspects of his behaviour. Whether you can support him through that or it is something he needs to do on his own is something that you and he need to find out.

Morag

Start by going and reporting it to the garda and getting a safety order.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

If he is serious about never doing it again then he needs to figure out why he did it in the first place. Tell him you will take him seriously if he will go and talk to his Dr and go get help and go to couples counselling with you.

No one should be afraid in their own home.

theg81der

Been in a situation like yours (minus the kids) and I can tell you the more you accept it the worse it will get. Please don`t do this to your children please leave now when you can. My ex eventually took my clothes, phone etc and locked me in the house. He would promise the earth after each time, it wasn`t true. You can find happiness and start again. Maybe go to a different town or get your family to help you.

Miss Fluff

Do you love your husband? What steps has he taken to ensure that this does not happen again?

I think the next steps, without question, should be:

1. Him resolutely quitting the drink permanently
2. Him agreeing to attending domestic violence (couples) counselling with you

"I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again" are statements that roll off the tongue too easily. They in effect mean nothing if not followed up with tangible measures to ensure that this does not happen again. Next time it will be more than just shaking you. Maybe a slap accross the face. Next time after that some bruising or a black-eye or a kick to the kidneys. See where I'm coming from? It's not just magically going to get better.

I wouldn't even think about entertaining him for another moment if he first doesn't agree to both steps above.

gmac102

stephci wrote: »

hi im married to my husband for 3years we are together nearly 12 years we have 2 young daughters since we got married he has changed and become very jealous and controlling this time last year he came home drunk and starting rowing over absolutly nothing i tried to walk away as thier is no point in talking to someone after a load of drink he started pushing me around and shouting in front of the kids i was really scared cos he was acting like a lunatic i forgave him and now over xmas he went crazy again pushing me and shaking me then he threw a cup at the window and broke the window i just ran out of the house i thought he was going to kill me anyway my question is should i give him another chance or walk away he says he will never do anything like that again but i dont know if i can believe him

my husband started off like that and ended up wit me in hospital and a barring order.... i was afraid of my own husband its not suppose to be like that, me nor you will ever go back from that... get out now bcause it will not get better. i should clarify that the stages of the abuse took years promised he wouldnt do it again and didnt for a year or 9 months etc n the next time it was worse and worse till it became a regular thing because i had let him away with it,

stand up for yourself, you can do it n good luck

Beruthiel

stephci wrote: »

i was really scared cos he was acting like a lunatic i forgave him and now over xmas he went crazy again pushing me and shaking me then he threw a cup at the window and broke the window i just ran out of the house i thought he was going to kill me anyway my question is should i give him another chance or walk away he says he will never do anything like that again but i dont know if i can believe him

Without a doubt it will happen again.
Were I in your position, I would sit him down and tell him to do what Miss Fluff suggests above.

He is to quit the drink and go to counselling.
You should tell him that if he doesn't, you are walking.
You should tell him that you will not, under any circumstances, stay with a man who no longer respects you and your children will not be brought up in a house of violence.
Your priority is with them OP and you do not want them to think this is what a normal relationship is like.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, forgive a third time.
If you do, it's a slippery slope to years of domestic violence where he will wear down your confidence and self esteem until you are nothing but a shell of your former self.
Don't let that happen.

Threaten to leave, and above all, mean what you say.
If you change your mind on that, he will see that you are not a woman of your word and he will carry on as usual.

Hope it works out for you.

Neyite

Please contact your local womens refuge for free impartial advice. Whether or not you decide to give him another chance is entirely up to you, however you do owe it to yourself and more importantly, to your children, to have a safe and abuse-free home.

So educate yourself on domestic violence, and on your rights, and what protections you can avail of under the law. With that information, you can make the financial and practical decisions and begin to work on the emotional ones after that.

The very best of luck.

sambuka41

Hi OP that sounds like an awful position to be in. Why do you think now he has started along this line of things? You guys were together for 9 years before this started happening, did he show any of this behaviour before you got married? I'm not trying to excuse him in anyway, his behaviour is unacceptable but is there something else that has happened in the last 3 years that might have caused this change in him?

As others have said your priority here really needs to be your children, the choices you make now will influence them for the rest of their lives. You are right to be weary.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Its odd that this is all new after 9 years. Is he stressed at all? At work or financially maybe?

aidan24326

If your husband has become abusive with drink then unfortunately it's only likely to get worse. Miss Fluff gave you probably the best advice. An abusive drunk will NOT change. He'll promise you the world but the next time ha has 10 pints those promises will count for nothing. If he chooses drink over you, then you'll know where you stand.

wes

You should go, I was a child in such a situation, where my father beat my Mother, and all of us were scared to death, and I can guarantee thats how your Kids feel. You should leave now before things get much worse.

saa

Its happened once you let it go, twice you're thinking okay this isn't good.
Leave him is the obvious answer but how, what if it was a "twice off"
it will happen again and again unless something changes.

Is it the drink, anger, mental health or all and maybe more I don't know but this is something you are not equipped to deal with and solve.
If you can convince him to seek help do
but in the meantime you NEED to make a PLAN to get out, where to go, store away some money make plans with relatives to stay if possible, know where the womens services are

I say this because it could happen again, if possible try and record sound or video without him knowing of him shouting being destructive or intimidating this is such a crucial step because, even if there is a record sound on your phone know where it is if you can turn it on when he relapses this will help you immensly, I've seen an abuse case be thrown out of court because of lack of evidence not nice! and legally his solicitors could down play the whole thing and partly blame you one day.

If this happens leave again but this time call the gaurds, keep the local station no in your phone! go to the gaurds make a report, if he touches you make sure any marks are recorded


I know recording things is the last thing youre worried about but unless he is willing to get himself treatment it will help you.

Emme

Leave. You have two daughters and if you don't leave for your own sake leave for theirs. He's unlikely to change and if he isn't doing this already he will probably start verbally and physically abusing your daughters.

I would contact Womens Aid or a similar organisation before leaving to get advice on where to go.

LegacyUser

It is a very sad situation to find yourself in. Making the decision to split is not easy when you have built a home and family with this person. However, if you begin to feel afraid of him, he automatically has power over you.

I would ask if he only behaves like this when drink is involved? It can be such a demon when mixed with some people's personalities. I have similar problems with my partner. If he wants to make this work, and you can identify that drink is the problem, he needs to quit. It is amazing the effect it can have on a normally pleasant and caring person.

My mother left my father when I was six and my siblings were 4 and 1. He wasn't a big drinker but he had a cruel temper and was dangerously possessive. When I asked her years later how she got the courage to leave him, she told me that she left out of fear. He had gone from threatening her to threatening the children. We all thank our lucky stars that she made that decision. We would have had a truly miserable life.

Good luck with it.

jimmycrackcorm

sdfs2q3e wrote: »

Its odd that this is all new after 9 years. Is he stressed at all? At work or financially maybe?

Indeed it does seem odd that he would change after all those years. Also these threads always only give one side of the story, leading to misleading one sided advice by otherwise well meaning posters.