Wedding: fighting the desire to drink

LegacyUser

I'm doing well so far. I've been off the beer since 16 October. I am now surprisingly fine when I stay at home, which is where in recent years I used to drink most of the time. I've now replaced it with Coke Zero (which entirely explains why I can't get to sleep at 4.20am!) and replaced the crisps and chocolate with microwave popcorn. The weight is dropping off me so I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I survived the Christmas by not going out. But, this weekend I was dragged to social events in pubs, pubs I really like and would invariably drink in until I could no longer drink. The idea of going to the pub for "a pint", or even three, has never happened in my life. So there I was, two nights in a row, sitting drinking tap water and lemon, with not even crisps to distract me (I always had crisps with my pints; it wasn't a real pint without them). I felt empty, missing the "great" days of Guinness, Tayto and brilliant chats. The brilliant chat just wasn't as great, even with the same person. Emptiness was the dominant feeling, as I craved to satisfy my nerves with those creamy pints on the way over to another customer.

It just dawned on me how hard it will be to not drink in pubs etc. I suspected it, which is why I stayed at home. But it was painfully hard this weekend. This summer is going to be hell as it's my own wedding and I'm not looking forward to all this social pressure and unease I feel, this need to escape, at such times. I hate social events. I want to escape - always. Being the joint centre of attention on the day will challenge my strength like I've never been challenged. People will be offering to buy me more drink than ever, and I will dream of re-enacting the best moments in my life sitting and chatting with a constant supply of pints and crisps. If I mess up - i.e. get drunk on my wedding day - it will be destructive beyond words. I'm spending a horrid amount of money on this wedding, yet I won't be able to get the happiness that ten pints and packets of crisps would cost. It will be so empty, and just writing this I think I'll have to escape, go to my room and cry to relieve myself of all the stress (I don't cry; I last cried in 2003). I'm dreading this day, but I cannot tell her how much because she has been dreaming of it all her life.

I would love to be able to get the knack of 'moderation', and herself still has no problem with my drinking as long as I stop after one or two. In fact, being a social animal she genuinely prefers if I have a drink or two, but no more. So far in my life I've been unable to do that. This is why I "choose" not to have any; the consequences of my getting drunk would break her long-suffering heart. This will be the biggest day of her life, and by far the most pressurising one to perform socially in my life (thinking about the speech makes me physically sick). Where do people get the strength to survive these times? Are there any hints people might have for surviving this?

Thanks.

Sleepy

OP, this might seem a little harsh but are you sure you're marrying the right person?

It seems like the pressure not to drink is entirely coming from your other half? Sure, 10 pints is too much to be having in a single sitting but 1 or 2 isn't even a night out for most of us...

username123

Hey OP, Have you talked to anyone professional or experienced about how you are feeling about your relationship to alcohol?

What really strikes me is the empty feeling you have, that the chat just isnt as good without the drink - in fact the truth there is the conversation is probably crap after 10 pints, but you dont notice because youre flying from the 10 pints!

Anyway, its not healthy to dread something because you wont have the fun of drinking your head off at it - totally get what you mean by moderation and it not working for you, I used to feel like that when I was younger, then I quit drinking for 1 year, and after that year I just never went back to binge drinking in the same way - it was pure habit and Id broken it. But I didnt feel like you about being sober at social occasions, I quite liked it.

I think you need to learn to enjoy yourself sober. It IS possible. Thats why Im suggesting you speak to someone who knows more about these things (like maybe an alcohol counseller - your GP or AA helpline would know best).

I admire you for recognising that there is a problem in your lack of moderation and taking steps to address it but you are setting yourself up for failure with the mindset that you just cant enjoy any social occasion as a result.

Good luck.

Beruthiel

Fighting it wrote: »

I would love to be able to get the knack of 'moderation', and herself still has no problem with my drinking as long as I stop after one or two. In fact, being a social animal she genuinely prefers if I have a drink or two, but no more. So far in my life I've been unable to do that. This is why I "choose" not to have any.

So you're saying that you have no control over yourself and will get so wasted you will end up embarrassing yourself?
Is there no way you can even pace yourself?
IE - a drink an hour followed by a pint of water?

I think that people who cannot control their intake have a deeper problem with alcohol and are best to stay away from it.
That's easy for me to say though as I am lucky and do have that mental switch which tells me when I've had enough.

Starokan

hi op, well done on recognising the problem and dealing with it. Obviously alcohol was having a negative impact on your life and you have dealt with it. When the urge to drink is as strong as it is for you then you may benefit by going to AA meetings or something similar.

Re your wedding day yes you will be the centre of attention to a certain extent, perhaps use something like rescue remedy to take the edge of your nerves for the day or see a doctor, he/she may be able to prescribe something.

The best thing to do to stop yourself drinking on your big day is to remind yourself of the bad mornings in the past where you woke up and had to deal with the fallout from the night before. To do that on your wedding day would be an out and out nightmare. Even if you managed to drink in moderation on that day sooner rather than later you will be waking up another morning with the same problems as before.

Stay off it and don't be afraid to seek help to do so

LegacyUser

Okay, well firstly well done on your achievement so far. You've recognised drink was getting in the way of things and you did something about it.

Secondly, remember that your wedding is in fact just *one day*. Just one. You're projecting way into the future and deciding it will be too hard, and making a huge psychological burden on yourself. Stop. You don't have to solve this problem today, and you don't have to do it all by yourself.

Thirdly, I stayed off the drink on my wedding day. Herself wouldn't have minded but I'd a nasty track record of being a messy drunk and it just wasn't the time for it. First thing to remember is, if you can, have the wedding in the afternoon, that way you won't be joining the wedding party stuff until then. Secondly, eat a lot, you'll need it for energy. Finally, buy your own drinks and keep them to hand; anyone offers tell them you just need a mixer or that you're okay for now. Before I knew it, it was four am and the party was over, no damage done. Most folk didn't drink anything like I did so they were all okay with it. If you do get hassled by anyone, just tell 'em 'Nah, no more, not for a while', and you'll be grand.

And do remember it is just one day. Ages away yet. A million things could happen between then and now.

fluffybiscuits

Hey, Me Too! wrote: »

Okay, well firstly well done on your achievement so far. You've recognised drink was getting in the way of things and you did something about it.

Secondly, remember that your wedding is in fact just *one day*. Just one. You're projecting way into the future and deciding it will be too hard, and making a huge psychological burden on yourself. Stop. You don't have to solve this problem today, and you don't have to do it all by yourself.

Thirdly, I stayed off the drink on my wedding day. Herself wouldn't have minded but I'd a nasty track record of being a messy drunk and it just wasn't the time for it. First thing to remember is, if you can, have the wedding in the afternoon, that way you won't be joining the wedding party stuff until then. Secondly, eat a lot, you'll need it for energy. Finally, buy your own drinks and keep them to hand; anyone offers tell them you just need a mixer or that you're okay for now. Before I knew it, it was four am and the party was over, no damage done. Most folk didn't drink anything like I did so they were all okay with it. If you do get hassled by anyone, just tell 'em 'Nah, no more, not for a while', and you'll be grand.

And do remember it is just one day. Ages away yet. A million things could happen between then and now.

That is excellent advice, going to follow that myself next time Im out They can think you are drinking all they want then!

aidan24326

Fighting it wrote: »

It just dawned on me how hard it will be to not drink in pubs etc. I suspected it, which is why I stayed at home. But it was painfully hard this weekend. This summer is going to be hell as it's my own wedding and I'm not looking forward to all this social pressure and unease I feel, this need to escape, at such times. I hate social events. I want to escape - always. Being the joint centre of attention on the day will challenge my strength like I've never been challenged. People will be offering to buy me more drink than ever, and I will dream of re-enacting the best moments in my life sitting and chatting with a constant supply of pints and crisps. If I mess up - i.e. get drunk on my wedding day - it will be destructive beyond words. I'm spending a horrid amount of money on this wedding, yet I won't be able to get the happiness that ten pints and packets of crisps would cost. It will be so empty, and just writing this I think I'll have to escape, go to my room and cry to relieve myself of all the stress (I don't cry; I last cried in 2003). I'm dreading this day, but I cannot tell her how much because she has been dreaming of it all her life.
.

This is the one thing you really REALLY need to remember. Read those words over and over until they sink in. If you love this girl you know that you can't do that to her. Drink some other day if you really must, but not that day. Don't ruin that for her or for yourself. She would never forgive you.

You don't say why yoi quit drink but I'm guessing you're one of those people that couldn't stop once he started. If that's the case then you may have to accept that you and alcohol don't go together, and that your life will be a whole lot better without it in the longterm. Look at the mess that alcoholics so often make of their lives, and ask yourself is that the road you want to go down?