Dumb question, probably

LegacyUser

So I'm not very accustom to being in a relationship, or even seeing someone. But I'll go anon anyway as I'd like some input.

There's a girl at work who for I guess the last few weeks to a month or two, has been interested in me. Which I always find surprising. But anyway, I was blind to this. It was my best friend who copped on to this and she dropped the hint that we might make a good couple. This was probably at the start of december. Anyway the end of december rolls on with me being indecisive and she hands me an xmas gift which I thought was pretty nice of her, and I ended up asking her out for new years.

We had a good time. Had a first kiss at midnight and all that. She declared it the best first date ever, and we went out again on tuesday. Made a day of it. I forgot to bring her to get something to eat she must have been starving. I wasn't even thinking about it! But either way I got a few kisses and a kiss goodbye and we texted a few times on wednesday.

Come friday though she canceled plans she had made to bring me to see her friends. she said she hadnt seen them in a good spell of a few weeks and wanted to touch base with them. I was a little disappointed but she wanted to make plans to see a movie next week. But I haven't chatted with her much since, and we haven't texted.

I guess I need to know if I need to be worried or just play it cool. We weren't very chatty or close friends before I asked her out so I wonder if maybe we just took off a little too quick at first. We're also both sort of hermit-y people. Even typing this out that's sort of how I feel about it. She even told me the only reason she went to the xmas party was in case I was there (that party was anything but. Management flopped!). So I hope I didn't say or do anything that would suddenly put her off and I hope it's just me being nervous about it. I hate overthinking these things, it seems everytime you do it's like fixating on something that you end up crashing straight into. Obviously I like her a lot and don't wanna screw a good thing up. Thanks for any input offered.

I am a friend

she spent new years eve with you - there is no need to be cool. Make that date!!

Daisy M

Give her a call nothing ventured nothing gained. I think she was right to see her friends if she hadnt seen them in a while.

lace

Hi OP!

It sounds to me like you're both a little nervous about the whole thing and just aren't sure what to expect from each other.

You say that you haven't chatted to her much and ye haven't texted. Maybe she's just waiting for you to text her or show some more interest. Tv and movies tend to give women the impression that they shouldn't show too much interest and should be chased and she probably just doesn't want to seem too eager.

Give her a text, let her know that you really enjoyed the dates and you'd very much like to see her again!

LegacyUser

OP here.

Yeah I think I misread the situation. I think she would have rather gotten to know eachother a little bit more before we did anything romantic but it was New Years by the time I stoned up so I gave it a shot. I think maybe thats what she originally meant to do by planning to hang out with her friends. D'oh.

But anyway she told me today at work finally when I asked her if she was still serious about making movie plans that she didn't. She said she was sorry but she just wasn't feeling it. Cue awkwardness. I did thank her though for the straight talk honesty, even if she seemed like she wasn't sure how to approach it for the last couple days.

So I'm still glad we did it, even if I did spend a fortune. It probably would have gone to otherwise boring things. Except for the money I spent on tourist trap photos. That was totally avoidable

Anyway thank you for the replies I think I'll be just fine.

I am a friend

well at least she was honest...

Next...

LegacyUser

OP again,

I thought I was doing ok with this, but I'm not so sure that I am. We still work together obviously, but now she is avoiding me. Which is natural enough I suppose, but it hits me real hard when I see it happening. Some times I am able to to get her to speak to me but it's only small talk and of no consequence. Other times if I'm walking down the hallway and she sees me approaching she'll turn down a side passage and slink off. That hurts like hell. It's not heartache or anything, I'm completely fine with the reasons she gave, but avoiding me like you don't want anything to do with me flips my stomach upside down.

What can I do here? If I should even do anything. My friend thinks I should just call her out on it, but we can't really have that kind of conversation at work. If anything I wanted to thank her after we broke it off just because she was honest and didn't try to let me down easy with lies or anything. But again, the right opportunity never came up, especially with her trying to actively avoid me. This whole thing sucks and it's affecting my work.

BattleCorp

"My friend thinks I should just call her out on it,"


Hi OP.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out but that's the way things go some time.

I just want to make a comment about the above quote. I don't know what your friend means by saying that you "should just call her out on it".

In fairness, she hasn't done anything wrong. You haven't done anything wrong either by the way. She, for whatever reason, didn't want to carry the relationship any further than two dates and there is nothing that you can do about it. She was perfectly honest and told you that she didn't want to take things further and didn't string you along.

There isn't anything to be gained from trying to have an awkward conversation with her over why she doesn't want to take things forward or why she is avoiding you. In my opinion it would make things even more uncomfortable. Yes, it would be nice to know why but as she said herself "she just wasn't feeling it".

Try and get on with her as best you can and hopefully over time things will become less uncomfortable.

I'm not a expert but that's my two cents.

Missy Moo Moo

BattleCorp wrote: »

"My friend thinks I should just call her out on it,"


Hi OP.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out but that's the way things go some time.

I just want to make a comment about the above quote. I don't know what your friend means by saying that you "should just call her out on it".

In fairness, she hasn't done anything wrong. You haven't done anything wrong either by the way. She, for whatever reason, didn't want to carry the relationship any further than two dates and there is nothing that you can do about it. She was perfectly honest and told you that she didn't want to take things further and didn't string you along.

There isn't anything to be gained from trying to have an awkward conversation with her over why she doesn't want to take things forward or why she is avoiding you. In my opinion it would make things even more uncomfortable. Yes, it would be nice to know why but as she said herself "she just wasn't feeling it".

Try and get on with her as best you can and hopefully over time things will become less uncomfortable.

I'm not a expert but that's my two cents.

I think what his friend meant by calling her on it was to call her on why she is being awkward and avoiding him, not so much why she wasn't feeling it.

Op, I feel that you may just have to say nothing in this scenario, it is one of the pitfalls of when work relationships go wrong, if shes feeling awkward then theres not a whole lot you can do, just continue to be civil and friendly. Calling her on it might just make her feel even more awkward.

I'm sure it'll pass in time, and if there's ever a work night out, you could ask if you're both cool. But for the moment, I would accept it as just being one of those things. I understand it's annoying for you, it would wreck my head too. But you can't control how she feels and how awkward/embarrassed she might feel. Just give it time. In the meantime, keep your head down and get on with work. Surely it's not worth messing your career up over?

amacca

bitlitena wrote: »

OP again,

I thought I was doing ok with this, but I'm not so sure that I am. We still work together obviously, but now she is avoiding me. Which is natural enough I suppose, but it hits me real hard when I see it happening. Some times I am able to to get her to speak to me but it's only small talk and of no consequence. Other times if I'm walking down the hallway and she sees me approaching she'll turn down a side passage and slink off. That hurts like hell. It's not heartache or anything, I'm completely fine with the reasons she gave, but avoiding me like you don't want anything to do with me flips my stomach upside down.

OP I know that feeling well......................its just happened again recently to me.

Asked a girl from work out recently...............thought she was flirting with me (still sort of do but I could have been just friendliness - making the effort to sit beside you at work dinner...several long talks.....hair flicking.etc..handholding at christmas night out which I remember very little of:o...really thought she was interested and was fairly sure it wasn't wishful thinking)

so asked her out after Christmas (a couple of days after i got up the courage)..she seemed almost like she felt awkward when she told me she had a boyfriend..then we chatted for a while (amiably - I felt alright with it, didn't realize she had a boyfriend but was glad I asked and wasn't wondering)

so I let things sit...then a couple of days later we got to talking again (she approached btw) and she asked me for a work favour involving us working together sort of which I agreed to and we arranged suitable times.....fine I thought (In hindsight I was delighted)

so the day we were supposed to be working together arrived ...... (I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done some planning/preparation to seem a bit more impressive:D)..............................

she makes no approach that morning etc.......so I drop in to her that afternoon close to the time and just say I'll be X location...drop down if you are around and she mumbles something along the lines of yeah/no problem or something along those lines........and then does not show up.


alarm bells started ringing that morning and when I spoke to her that afternoon..........I have absolutely no idea what the story is tbh

On my side it could be that something I said or the way I behaved when we were talking and she asked for the favour made her feel uncomfortable etc.....maybe she thought it was a bit domineering or sad of me remind her of our arrangement even though you make changes to accommodate the person looking for the favour (you really could go on endlessly along this train of thought I think)

On her side....maybe she rethought the favour she asked me and is now subtly avoiding me because she is embarrassed to make arrangements and then ignore them etc etc

then again maybe shes a loon...or indeed I am:D (semi serious there)

point being this is not the first time this has happened to me...nor will it be the last I suspect................and although that feeling that you repulse the other person so much that they have to avoid you can be distressing you have to understand it may not be repulsion at all (more than likely not or not completely imo)....there could be any number of things going on in the other persons head

bitlitena wrote: »

What can I do here? If I should even do anything. My friend thinks I should just call her out on it,

To echo other posters....I personally don't think you should do anything at all here....the ball is in her court...let her be and accept this as just one of those things.....there may not be anything you can do to fix this .....you may not even have broken it in the first place. calling someone out on it probably wont help....try to have confidence and get on with your work and interests outside of work etc

Thats what I intend to do at any rate......if someone clearly wants to avoid you...let them at it and move on................there will be plenty of people that wont want to if you can work on that imo.