Trying to date again

LegacyUser

Hi,
My long story made short is this:
I'm a guy, 27. I live in the States but home for Christmas.
I was dumped at the end of last September. That in itself I won't go into but it really rocked me. We dated for 2 years and had discussed, at length, plans for the future so it rocked me incredibly hard and being away from home, the feelings of loneliness and sadness were only doubled.

Anyway... I'm going back next week after the holidays and I don't know what to think. It's like I don't have much to look forward to anymore. Thinking of the holidays at home was keeping me going before that. I dont know what I'm going to do.

Anyway here is the story. I tried online dating. I got a few girls numbers but didn't follow through with much as I just wasn't interested when it came down to it. I actually have been chatting to 2 girls now lately who are both interested in meeting.

The thing is... I just don't know. "Casual" dating seems a bit more acceptable these days and over there especially but I don't really know the rules. They are both very nice girls and pretty girls but the reason I feel "not interested" is because I keep comparing them to my ex and feel they aren't as good but if I stopped comparing they both seem like great girls so I'm thinking, look, move on, meet up with them, its just a drink, they might turn out to be great, and if not, whats the harm...

On the other hand something is holding me back saying they don't measure up to my ex. I know... people will tell me it means I'm not over my ex but its been months and I just want to move on and get my thoughts off her. I know myself fairly well and in my youth I once went 2 years without meeting anyone as I just couldn't compare them to my ex back then. It was only when I just left it go and dated someone else that those feelings disappeared as I began to appreciate this new girl I had met. I dont want to fall into the same trap of just thinking about her endlessly for months or years and comparing everyone to her, but at some level I sort of do right now and I don't know if things I like or dislike about these girls are because of my ex or are my own thoughts or what.

As a side, I'm also thinking of going back, staying single a while and jus trying to meet people more naturally over time. I like bars and clubs with friends but have never been good at meeting people or approaching women there. But I kinda want to kick myself in the butt and learn how to. Online dating is fine for what it is but deep down I'd prefer to meet someone more naturally.

I'm not sure what sort of reply or advice this might get but I appreciate you reading.

nlk

Hey OP

I'm in the same boat as you. Broke up in October etc.

I think you have a pretty good handle on things to be honest. Go out for a very casual date with these girls and if there is nothing there then don't stress it- just be clear with them.

It is still very soon and I think your idea of taking a less proactive route for a while is probably best as it will give you the opportunity to work on getting over your breakup whilst leaving it open to meet someone if you find the right person.

One bit of advice I would give is that I feel as if (and have been told by all friends and family) that I am dealing with my fairly dramatic breakup (wedding booked for June) and I know this is because I happen to be in a position to see now and knew deep down before that he wasn't right for me. Basilcally I think you should do some critical thinking about your ex.

Yes, she has good points, but everyone has bad points- especially in a failed relationship. If you really can't think of anything perhaps you could focus on that she didn't love you enough or the way she should, hence you aren't together. I firmly believe that you can't get over someone you have on a pedastel.

Good luck!

Miss Fluff

tryingagain wrote: »

They are both very nice girls and pretty girls but the reason I feel "not interested" is because I keep comparing them to my ex and feel they aren't as good but if I stopped comparing they both seem like great girls so I'm thinking, look, move on, meet up with them, its just a drink, they might turn out to be great, and if not, whats the harm...

On the other hand something is holding me back saying they don't measure up to my ex. I know... people will tell me it means I'm not over my ex but its been months and I just want to move on and get my thoughts off her.

I can see where you're coming from OP but you're clearly not ready to date again and while you don't want to go down the wallowing route, the break up is still very recent and some more time out would probably do you the world of good. Would you not just give yourself another couple of months?

Also, are you still in any contact with your ex? If you are then that in itself will stop you moving on so you need to sever ALL contact with her to get her out of your system.

LegacyUser

Ok... so very opposing view there.

Why exactly am I CLEARLY such a damaged person that I cannot date again?
Yeah, I was very hurt a while back but it was last September. I've been sad, cried, wallowed, moaned, been angry, and all the other emotions you'd expect to go through but it was months ago.

Yes, I do have some fond memories of the girl but no matter what she's not coming back so I'd rather move on and have some newer and better memories with someone who might be worth having them with. Why do I need to let this girl have such a hold over me that I do not try to move on with my life after her?

Miss Fluff

tryingagain wrote: »

Why do I need to let this girl have such a hold over me that I do not try to move on with my life after her?

You don't but if you hook up with someone so soon (and compare them to your ex) then you are only doing it to replace your ex rather than start off on a clean and baggage-free footing. Of course you should move on but only when you're ready to. September is only a few short months ago, why the rush to jump into another relationship?

greenprincess

Maybe I am a wrong but I think after a break up very casual dating is good. As long as the other person knows your not looking for anything serious I do think it helps people to move on

beks101

Hi tryingagain,

I can see where the conflict on this one is coming from. You're caught between not wanting to waste years of your life 'getting over' your ex while your love life comes to a standstill, and diving right in and being disappointed because none of these girls 'measure up'. It's not an easy one.

I will say though, you seem to hold this view that putting off the casual dating and spending a bit more time sorting your head out is some sort of defeat to your ex, like she still has a hold on you and why should she after what she did to you etc etc...this is not the case. I always think breaking up is not dissimilar to grieving, the most important person in your world is suddenly gone, inexplicably and out of the blue, the dream is over, the future as you anticipated it is no more, the rug has totally been pulled from under you. Dealing with that and slowing down for a few months, being a bit compassionate towards yourself and taking time to get back on your feet doesn't mean your ex still holds some sort of power over you...it simply means you're human.

However, none of us can tell you what the best way of doing that is, everyone is different. There is of course the risk that anything you jump into now will be a rebound, but if you feel you can handle it, go for it, meet up with a few girls and play it by ear. As the above poster mentioned, casual dating can be a help. It might help to occupy your thoughts with someone new.

But don't feel angry or guilty or p1ssed off or frustrated if you're not ready for it just yet. There's always the option of reinventing yourself a little, taking up a few hobbies, working on something you put off while you were in a relationship and exploring your social life in the meantime.