Been too nice to women?

jambon29

I was meeting a girl for a while, we got on great but out of the blue she said she just wanted to be friends and that i was too nice. Women have said this to me before, only problem is i don't know how to be a nasty piece of work. Has anyone got any advice?

G-Money

You are probably better off without her to be honest, so just forget her.

As for being nasty, you don't have to be. Just be yourself but don't take any s**t. Don't be afraid to call them on their behaviour and don't be afraid to say no to them.

I used to be too nice and I'm at the point now where I don't really care too much. I'll try to treat people reasonably well but I'm not going to run around after some girl like a lovesick puppy. There's too many other girls out there to waste your time chasing after one who's coming out with stuff like that.

PhysiologyRocks

OP, please, please, please don't stop being nice.

As a female, I can honestly say that I would not go near any man who wasn't. Decency is attractive. Lack thereof is deeply unattractive.

If someone dumps you for being nice, then it really is their problem.

Neyite

Dont believe the "lets just be friends, you are just too nice" line. That is used when there is no reason to break up other than the spark simply wasnt there for her.Maybe its deemed a kinder way to part ways instead of saying "I dont find you physically attractive, and dont want to be intimate with you"

Now, sometimes it may be used if you are too "into" the relationship, moreso than the other person, and that person recognises that they dont want to put in the same amount of effort into the relationship that you do, and that would eventually lead to your heartbreak in the long run.

If a girl really fancies you, being too nice will not come into it. Its all about both of you having the spark, not just one person.

I had an ex that I used the line on. He was a really nice guy, everyone said we made the perfect couple, but I just didnt fancy him physically. I liked him, but it would never evolve into loving him the way he (and everyone) deserves to be loved. He bent over backwards to do whatever I wanted. Even when I was absolutely in the wrong in an argument he would agree that I was right, because he was too nice and didnt want to see me upset. Unfortunately, I then lost respect for him a bit because he wasnt standing up for himself, and would let me in a bad mood tramp all over him. Even if its something trivial like choosing what to go see in the cinema, the ex would be all "you choose" where my current partner is more likely to say "no way am I going to <insert chickflick title>, you can do that with your mates, lets choose something we are both happy with"
He is the nicest I have ever met, but he is very much his own man and if I were to treat him badly he will very quickly pull me up on it. He is nicer in many ways than my ex, yet there is 1) attraction there, and 2) he is willing to do lots to please me, but not at his own expense.

I dont know if this is any good to you, just drawing on my own experience of it.

Ickle Magoo

You don't need to be nasty - it's not about being horrible, it's about finding balance; reigning in the neediness and clingyness as well as making sure you and the rest of your life is not demoted while you're at her beck and call.

The best relationships I've ever had have been with partners who challenge me, both emotionally and mentally. Who make me do my share of the running and who don't lose themselves in or throw themselves at the relationship.

Although it seems to have become synonymous with doormat or wimp, being nice isn't the issue, not being any kind of challenge is always going to be less attractive than being happy and balanced, getting on with your life and letting her do some of the chasing.

All the best.

BarackPyjama

Just walk away. It's a cliché at this stage. Maybe she's not into you. Maybe she just needs an abusive boyfriend to reflect her lack of self esteem. It could be a million things. Ultimately though, "you're too nice" means "get away from me quickly". There are 3 billion women on this earth. Find one that respects you.

Wompa1

jambon29 wrote: »

I was meeting a girl for a while, we got on great but out of the blue she said she just wanted to be friends and that i was too nice. Women have said this to me before, only problem is i don't know how to be a nasty piece of work. Has anyone got any advice?

I got the same as yourself OP when I was younger. I adapted my behaviour a little. I still like being romantic and thoughtful but I found last time I was single that if you show no interest in a girl on a night out it drives them crazy. Don't know what it is, beware though if you do get in a relationship with them they can be insecure because you didn't even notice them the first night you met them etc.

Actually just stick to being nice. Odds are just like me these girls that left you because you are too nice will come back in 4 or 5 years time after having been treated like crap by other guys chancing their arm. It's a satisfying feeling being able to reject them yourself then

Beruthiel

jambon29 wrote: »

I was meeting a girl for a while, we got on great but out of the blue she said she just wanted to be friends and that i was too nice.

As Neyite said above, this is what someone tells you when they don't want to admit the real reason.
It is her way of trying to let you down gently instead of crushing you.
She's either just not into you, not feelin' the spark or any number of other reasons.

There is no such thing as being 'too nice', I just don't understand people who think that. What does that even mean?
In this sometimes cold world, there is nothing as wonderful as someone nice in it.
Stay who you are, be true to your nature and the person for you will eventually be along.

Nuttzz

What you call nice could be seen as needy or clingy, I was once very nice, "I'll get this for you...I'll pick that up for you" while I thought I was being a gentleman it was pointed out to me that I was being a little over the top.

Just look at how the few weeks/months went as see if there was an examples of where you were "too nice"

LegacyUser

I'm female, and I suffered from the 'too nice' syndrome ie guys would break up with me for no particular reason. I used to be the type of girl who just did whatever he wanted to do, didn't want to be too pushy, wasn't really sure what I wanted, but just delighted that I was going out with someone. These guys never told me I was 'too nice', they just stopped texting/ringing which was their way of letting me know I was dropped. A few of the replies here are implying that your girlfriend was in the wrong. I don't think she was. She didn't lead you on, and she had the backbone to break up you face to face.
I now realise that I was depending on these guys to make my life better. I didn't care what sort of guy I was going out with because I was so happy just to be with someone. I look back on myself and think 'urgh what a turn off!'. I'm going out with a lovely guy now, and the reason it's working is I now know what I want, I'm not afraid to say 'Well that film's ****', I make plans for things I want to do, I'm not depending on him to make my life better etc.

Figure it out what it is you want in a girl. Sharing your life with someone is a huge deal, you really need to make sure you're sharing it with the right person!

cafecolour

As said above, 'Too nice' doesn't mean been 'nasty'. It means 'have your own personality'. Often 'too nice' is said about someone who is agreeing with everything the other person says, 'liking' everything the other person likes, etc. Every date 'what do you want to do?' It gets boring. Have your own opinions, likes/dislikes. Makes suggestions for things you want to do. Most people don't want to date an echo chamber.

I am a friend

jambon29 wrote: »

i don't know how to be a nasty piece of work. Has anyone got any advice?

Yeah dont go down that road... You will find, if you do, that the kind of girls who are attracted to a bad guy tend to be emotionally immature and have plenty of issues.. Why otherwise would you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you badly???

Keep doing what you are doing and dont change for anyone.. As you get older, you will find that girls your age appreciate a nice guy so you will be on the starting block already Also, to be honest, trying to be nasty and treating people badly, if its not in you, it just head wrecking and time consuming....

Scanlas The 2nd

More than likely you are needy and care too much about the opinions of others. Always put yourself first and never allow anyone to cross your personal boundaries. women are aroused by men displaying unneedy sexual interest. I'd say you are needy and are afraid to show sexual interest. Learn to say exactly what you are thinking more often and you will get an "edgier" side to yourself which only helps with women.

Scanlas The 2nd

PhysiologyRocks wrote: »

OP, please, please, please don't stop being nice.

As a female, I can honestly say that I would not go near any man who wasn't. Decency is attractive. Lack thereof is deeply unattractive.

If someone dumps you for being nice, then it really is their problem.

It clearly is his problem though if he is hearing the same line again and again from women.

I am a friend

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

It clearly is his problem though if he is hearing the same line again and again from women.

Yeah btu what kind of women?? Women who need the drama and the chase... No loss there then. Next please.

BarackPyjama

A lot of people on here making assumptions that the guy is clingy, needy, lacking genuine confidence, etc. We can only go on what he's actually said and not draw our own definite conclusions like that. Personally when a woman is quite vocal about wanting a 'confident man' she's inevitably lacking in confidence herself.

OP - If it is a case that perhaps you're a bit clingy or whatever, just learn to be your own man. But don't stop being a nice guy. The world needs more people like you.

Scanlas The 2nd

I am a friend wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

It clearly is his problem though if he is hearing the same line again and again from women.

Yeah btu what kind of women?? Women who need the drama and the chase... No loss there then. Next please.

Why are you assuming they are women who need drama who said it to him?

LegacyUser

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Personally when a woman is quite vocal about wanting a 'confident man' she's inevitably lacking in confidence herself.

I don't agree. I'm very confident and have been out with men in the past who had very low self confidence. It was painful having to constantly re-assure them that they looked alright, their job was great, their car was lovely etc.
I'm with a confident man now, and I don't have to constantly re-assure him that his choices in life are the correct ones.

Personally, I don't know anyone (male or female) who would rather go out with a person they have to constantly re-assure than a person who needs little re-assurance.

Eve_Dublin

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Personally when a woman is quite vocal about wanting a 'confident man' she's inevitably lacking in confidence herself

Why inevitably?

BarackPyjama

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Why inevitably?

Well, from my experience anyway. Everyone wants a partner with a certain amount of confidence. That's just reality. I just find that people who bleat on about it, putting it at the top of their 'checklist', are often lacking in confidence themselves.

Eve_Dublin

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Well, from my experience anyway. Everyone wants a partner with a certain amount of confidence. That's just reality. I just find that people who bleat on about it, putting it at the top of their 'checklist', are often lacking in confidence themselves.

Okay so not "inevitably", just from your experience. Sometimes that is the case alright though, people who look for a quality they don't possess themselves to balance things out I suppose. But I disagree that if a woman or man looks for that in someone else, it means they're lacking it themselves.

BarackPyjama

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Okay so not "inevitably", just from your experience.

I find it's pretty much always the case. No need for us to be pedantic about it. Personally I can't even imagine considering 'confidence' as one of the things that I find attractive about someone or something that I might look for in a partner. Admittedly, I serious lack of confidence can be a turn off but too much confidence is probably worse. Ultimately confidence, and the amount that is attractive, is completely subjective.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Sometimes that is the case alright though, people who look for a quality they don't possess themselves to balance things out I suppose. But I disagree that if a woman or man looks for that in someone else, it means they're lacking it themselves.

It's a generalisation of course.

I am a friend

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Why are you assuming they are women who need drama who said it to him?

Well why would a sane and sensible person complain that they are being treated too WELL??

BarackPyjama

I am a friend wrote: »

Well why would a sane and sensible person complain that they are being treated too WELL??

Totally. Most single people I know would love someone that treats them well.

Humria

I knew a guy I would describe as being "too nice".

What that meant is that when he liked a girl, he was very full on. He always wanted to do what she wanted and let himself be pushed about a bit. He was so accommodating that he was basically taken for granted by the girl. As other posters said being too available or accommodating can lead people to walk all over you. It's not about being nasty, it's more about making sure your boundaries are being respected. If someone is rude towards and they are constantly getting away with it, they will continue to be rude. They will also lose respect for you if you don't stand up for yourself.

So it's more about being assertive than being nasty. If that makes sense? If a girl knows she has to treat you with respect for you to stick around, she will automatically place more value on you. It's the same for all friendships and relationships.

So my advice is to read up on the assertiveness literature. Don't always do the running, you deserve to be chased too. And if you feel somebody is doing something that they shouldn't be, than make sure to stand up for yourself - i.e. that the other persons bad behaviour has a consequence.

mood

PhysiologyRocks wrote: »

OP, please, please, please don't stop being nice.

As a female, I can honestly say that I would not go near any man who wasn't. Decency is attractive. Lack thereof is deeply unattractive.

If someone dumps you for being nice, then it really is their problem.

I'm female and agree. IMO 'being too nice' simply means she isn't into you (for want of a better expression) and is using this as an excuse.

Don't stop being your self (nice) but just don't be a push over either.

BarackPyjama

Humria wrote: »

I knew a guy I would describe as being "too nice".

What that meant is that when he liked a girl, he was very full on. He always wanted to do what she wanted and let himself be pushed about a bit. He was so accommodating that he was basically taken for granted by the girl. As other posters said being too available or accommodating can lead people to walk all over you. It's not about being nasty, it's more about making sure your boundaries are being respected. If someone is rude towards and they are constantly getting away with it, they will continue to be rude. They will also lose respect for you if you don't stand up for yourself.

So it's more about being assertive than being nasty. If that makes sense? If a girl knows she has to treat you with respect for you to stick around, she will automatically place more value on you. It's the same for all friendships and relationships.

So my advice is to read up on the assertiveness literature. Don't always do the running, you deserve to be chased too. And if you feel somebody is doing something that they shouldn't be, than make sure to stand up for yourself - i.e. that the other persons bad behaviour has a consequence.

Yeah but that's not being 'too nice'. That's called being a doormat. Most doormats I know, deep down, aren't nice people.

LegacyUser

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Yeah but that's not being 'too nice'. That's called being a doormat. Most doormats I know, deep down, aren't nice people.

'doormat' by his ex.

If the OP doesn't like being called 'too nice', I'd doubt that 'doormat' would be better

BarackPyjama

unrewgerte wrote: »

'doormat' by his ex.

If the OP doesn't like being called 'too nice', I'd doubt that 'doormat' would be better

Maybe he isn't a doormat at all. Maybe he's just a genuinely nice guy. Nothing wrong with that.

LegacyUser

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Maybe he isn't a doormat at all. Maybe he's just a genuinely nice guy. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes maybe he isn't. But usually when a guy is told he's 'too nice', it means that he is a doormat. It really doesn't make sense to break up with someone just because he/she is 'too nice'. And before you say maybe his girlfriend was just being a wagon and didn't realise how good she had it, well that doesn't make sense either because if she was a wagon, she wouldn't have broken up with him face to face, and she would have called him a doormat instead of 'too nice'.