Million dollar question: finding a guy who likes you and wants the same things??

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm another one of those mid-20s single-forever cliches...I could write a thesis on it really.... But I'd like to focus on one specific issue I've been having recently, would be great to get some insight.

I'm female, 26, living abroad, would be considered attractive, have never had a boyfriend. I've had flings, fcuk buddies, I get a fair bit of male attention, but it's just never happened for me.

I'm getting frustrated now though, as like most people, I'd like a relationship. I long for aspects of relationships that most people get to experience, but I haven't yet...holding hands, coming home to someone, regular sex and affection, just calling someone my 'boyfriend' etc.

I've tried internet dating over the years...and met plenty of guys, all lovely, most interested, but none of whom I felt any chemistry with. I've sort of lost faith in that method as a whole as in my experience, you just can't detect chemistry from behind a computer screen. The (one) guy I did feel it with was just looking for a fcuk buddy so I fled the scene pretty quickly. Been there, done that.

I don't know if it's a case of me falling for guys who are unavailable in some way, but all the guys I seem to want are out of reach, or not bothered enough to make the effort. Like right now for example. I met a guy in Chicago last summer who I felt wicked chemistry with, it was electric. He lives the other side of the states to me but we've stayed in contact and I can't stop thinking about him. We plan to spend a weekend together soon but I'm at the stage where I'm disappointed if I don't hear from him on a daily basis and I'm living for his phone calls. Even though we live so far apart it can never really amount to anything meaningful. He says he'll call, then he doesn't and it ruins my day.

The second guy on the radar is a guy from home who I've been in contact with for years on end, we've only met once or twice but have maintained regular contact. We've kissed, there's ridiculous chemistry, but I was home for two weeks at Christmas and despite telling me he'd come visit me, he just didn't bother. It really hurt me because I was really excited about seeing him and I thought after me being abroad for almost 2 years and the emails/texts still persisting...that he'd want to see me and hang out. But no. He's back in contact since I've returned to the states and it just makes me wonder...why? Does he just want a penpal, is it just an ego boost to him?

These two guys I am besotted with, I want more from them than they seem to want from me, maybe because I'm at the stage in life where I want more than just a fling, or meaningless sex. But I can't seem to find it.

How do I end this pattern of falling for guys who don't want me, how do I meet someone I like who's on the same page as me? It seems like an impossible dream to me at this stage, even though it happens for everyone else so easily. Do I get back online and line up more dates, just keep meeting guys in the hope that my luck will change? Start hitting on strangers on the street? I'm so worn out with dating and it going nowhere, I've just run out of patience with it. Has anyone been through the same? Would love some advice.

Thanks for reading x

IrishEyes19

I feel for you, OP, I do think its getting harder and harder to define relationships.

The thing is, OP, where is your voice in this. Ok these two guys have let you down in different ways, but havent you asked them why. Now I dont mean interrogate them and demand answers. But if you agree to meet up, set a date, make a date. dont wait for them to do it. Be proactive in this. As for the guy who doesnt call you when he says he will. call him out on that. it isnt fair or polite. so say that.

Use your voice here, you clearly have decent standards. So lay them out for these guys and others that come along and trust me, that will weed out the interested and not so interested. best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks Irisheyes, I know you're right.

The thing is, having a voice and voicing those issues makes you Glenn Close far too easily in so many guys' eyes. mean I'm the most laidback, easy-going person going (that's probably my problem) but I've met the guys who back off completely when you call them out on something like an informal agreement to call/text that amounts to nothing or that lose interest when you persist too much etc...I just feel like I'm walking a tightrope here.

I know that's a ridiculous way to be, a guy like that 'isn't worth it' etc etc...and it's funny because when it comes to my friendships/life in general, I am not one to put up with bullsh1t and I'd always be vocal about issues I've had...but I just can't seem to get it right when it comes to romance. My failure and lack of experience to date hasn't exactly inspired confidence. I've nearly conditioned myself to expect a guy to just want to shag me, so when it happens I can roll my eyes and be proved right, and in a way that's easier because sex is just sex...but I've damanged myself by doing that and I now want so much more than that.

I might email Chicago guy and tell him I'm p1ssed off. I just don't want to become 'that kind of girl'. I deplore drama, I just want to meet someone where it's easy, I'm not waiting and hoping and ultimately disappointed.

/pity party

fungun

you are besotted with a couple of guys who are unavailable - this probably means you are not looking for/not noticing local opportunities. If I were you I would cut contact with them (assuming you dont think it will end up in a relationship) and start doing stuff locally where you might meet someone.
I think that if you have feelings for someone who is far away you are probably emotionally unavailable to the guys you meet - and are ok for fcuk buddies/flings etc but not really open to meeting someone for a relationship because you already feel emotionally attached to another guy.

I am a friend

Neither of them sound like runners to be honest as both have shown an ability to let you down frequently. I personally would not chase either of them due to their actions and on top of that the distance involved. Move on with someone more reliable closer to home and cut the contact with the two stooges as it's going nowhere. Best of luck

Ickle Magoo

I would cut contact with anyone who from the outset is letting you down or you can't actually form a relationship with - no point wasting further time pining for the unlikely. Next, I'd have a good look closer to home and if you've conditioned yourself to expect crap relationships and have low self-esteem then address those issues.

Then you can either do the on-line dating/dating nights type thing or join clubs and activities to widen your social circle. I'm not a believer in soul mates, I think it's a case of frequency probability and the more people you meet, the bigger the odds you'll find one you click with.

All the best. :cool:

Miss Fluff

fungun wrote: »

you are besotted with a couple of guys who are unavailable - this probably means you are not looking for/not noticing local opportunities. If I were you I would cut contact with them (assuming you dont think it will end up in a relationship) and start doing stuff locally where you might meet someone.
I think that if you have feelings for someone who is far away you are probably emotionally unavailable to the guys you meet - and are ok for fcuk buddies/flings etc but not really open to meeting someone for a relationship because you already feel emotionally attached to another guy.

Brilliant point well made. This hits the nail the head OP. The answer is staring you in the face really. You're wasting time on non-starters and people who are physically and emotionally distant and unavailable and this is putting the blinkers on you to real and tangible opportunities. I've been in your shoes, involving myself with time-wasters and unsuitable men and when I decided to cut them all out of my life I met my true love and we're soon to be married. Get rid of all the dead wood OP, it's only preventing you from finding the real thing and giving the good guys a chance.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. All so right of course. It's what I'd advise a friend if she came to me with the same problem. It's so obvious, but not so easy when it's personal I guess.

I emailed the Irish guy and basically told him I'm ending contact. I've gone through phases before, blocked him on fb for a while, deleted his number, but somehow he always creeps back in, or I get curious and get back in contact. I know...I mean I KNOW this thing we have is bad for me, because it's gone well passed the point of being fun and frivolous, but he's like some sort of crutch to me. Hopefully spelling it out will work as a form of closure to me. I can't do it anymore. I need something real now.

Chicago guy emailed apologising and then he called last night, but I missed him. I feel like these sort of long-distance, impossible set ups are more about me than the guys involved. I don't know why I keep opting for this kind of head fcuk. Maybe I have committment issues, or self esteem issues. All I know is I'm so tired of being miserable being single when I should be out enjoying myself.

Anyway. Thanks for all the solid advice. It helps to get another perspective x

dixiefly

First of all, the local guy. He seems to be a waste of space. To keep in contact the whole time you are away and then not make any effort when you are at home for two weeks! I wonder however, were you unable to go visit him or arrange a night out? You are right to reduce contact with him. I dont think I would have emailed saying it but you know your best way of doing it.

I wonder is the guy you met in Chicago in another relationship? Or is it handy for him to have you many miles away and keep the relationship at a distance? I am not an expert on long distance relationships but if he is pushing to keep meeting you then you should try and get from him where the relationship is going, i.e. does either of you see yourselves moving to be together? He could string you along but at least get some idea if it is going anywhere.

Lastly, you are still very young.Many people dont get into relationships until their late twenties and thirties. Being in a relationship is not the be all end all as a person loses an amount of freedom etc so it needs to obviously be with someone you are pretty compatible with.

However, if it is important to you to be in a relationship then here are a few thoughts for what it's woth. I think you should continue to avoid the fcuk buddy type relationship, you should also try and glean from a guy early on what they are looking for from you when they are chatting you up, maybe be more open to different types of guys & be friendly in general with guys and look to develop friendships. You should perhaps look to develop a new group of female friends, go out more often with work people, pursue a sport you may be interested in, do some volunteering etc. These are different ways to meet new people. Listen out to friends talking about their single friends etc. you may need to drop hints that you are still on the lookout. As you are good looking & have had guys your friends may not think that you would be open to meeting someone new. Overall I think your priority should be to meet & get to know as many guys as possible over the next few years so that when you do end up in relationships that there is a better chance that you are as compatible as possible with them.
The side issue to that is to probably drop the fcuk buddy stuff as you are doing as that could effect your chance to meet someone or maybe put others off.

LegacyUser

Thanks Dixiefly. That was definitely reassuring to read. I don't feel so young, I feel as though everyone is ahead of me on this one, but I certainly know that stressing over it is doing me no favours.

Chicago guy is divorced, he's a little older than me (34) and was always very honest about that, he'll talk openly about his marriage except that I'm not all that interested in hearing it! I don't know what his intentions are, but we have plans to meet in another US city in March, I guess we can figure each other out then.

From my experience to date I just feel like most guys I meet are looking for a bit of fun and no big commitment, and I've done that for so long but now I'm reaching a stage where I'm realizing I've just been pleasing them, I've been ignoring my own needs for so long and that needs to change. So I had to tell the Irish guy because otherwise we would have continued the stupid emails and messages for another four years, going around in circles, getting nowhere.

Your advice is bang on though Dixiefly - I definitely need to quit the f buddy relationships and expand on the type of guy I go for, I think that's a big part of the problem. I tend to get drawn in by looks and charisma and those types of guys seem to be (in my experience) the ones who just want something physical. It's not a regular thing in my life by any means, but this has just been the nature of my relationships with men the past few years.
I don't have many males friends actually, come to think of it, I never really have....that's definitely something I could work on too. Thanks for the advice and for taking the time. Hopefully 2012 is a new start for me!

moses23

Regarding your current situation: I've been there. What feels like, a thousand times over. It seems men in their 20s can be arseholes and just get away with it, but there are also great men out there too. They are just a little harder to find, I suppose. In my case, I just gave up and decided I didn't want ANYTHING to do with men for a long time. A month later my lovely boyfriend walked into my life.

I think you need to set a standard for yourself. Those lads will never respect you if you don't respect yourself. It sounds cheesy but its true. You need to work out the things you WILL put up with and the things you definitely WON'T. Would you treat any of them like that? You sound like a lovely person and I don't think you would. They leave you dangling on a string and pick and choose when they want you in their life. No one deserves that, and you don't have to put up with it.
If you don't demand respect from people you won't get it.

And, if any of those men REALLY REALLY wanted to be with you, they would make damn sure it happened.
That's my tuppence worth anyway!
Hope everything works out for you