older girlfriend is pregnant

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm a regular poster here but I have decided to go anon for this. My girlfriend has just told me that she is 6 weeks pregnant. I was taken aback to say the least and completley unexpected. After missing her period, she took the pregnancy test twice to confirm that it was positive. The news has knocked me for ten. I'm 34 and I work in a good job. I have no mortgage, kids and debt free as well as never been married. My girlfriend is from Lithuania, who i have been with for the last 6 months, was married for a number of years before splitting up with her husband 18 months ago. She works in catering, is 3 years older than me and is a really attractive lady. She is over the moon by it all as she never had children. She is a lovely woman with a warm personality. Our relationship is going really well and I spend alot of time with her but this is new territory for me. I honestly dont know what to do.

LegacyUser

You are "taken aback", it's "completely unexpected", and has "knocked you for ten"....really?
As a 34 year old with no mortgage, no kids, no ex-wife, a good job...I've news for you; women would consider you highly eligible. Not least a woman from an Eastern European country(lower wages) with a biological clock ticking(approaching 40). I'm not saying this pregnancy was not an accident, just that if a 37 year old has managed NOT to get pregnant for 20 odd years, it seems a little convenient that she falls pregnant now. If you didn't always use contraception yourself, you have to accept some element of responsibility. Anyway, regardless, she's now pregnant.
You sound like you fancy her, enjoy her company, and you're of an age where you've had plenty of experience to know your mind at this stage. It's a shock, but you're in a good position, and more importantly, in a good relationship. It's should be exciting for you also though, no?
I always figure everything in life happens for a reason- remember that. Good luck!

rediguana25

Congratulations! So what's the main reason for your concern- is it because you are not sure she's the one? or the fact that she is older? (i'm saying that since the subject mentions that your 'older girlfriend' is pregnant) The fact that she was married before or that you're together 6 months? Really at the end of the day none of this matters. You seem to really like her and the baby is coming now ready or not so I say just enjoy it- make the most of it and if the relationship works out that's a bonus. Either way you will be a daddy and a baby is always a blessing no matter how the relationship works out.
Best of luck!

greenprincess

Congrats, you prob just in a little bit of shock at the min but these things have a way of working themselves out. Good luck

Abi

PD. wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm a regular poster here but I have decided to go anon for this. My girlfriend has just told me that she is 6 weeks pregnant. I was taken aback to say the least and completley unexpected. After missing her period, she took the pregnancy test twice to confirm that it was positive. The news has knocked me for ten. I'm 34 and I work in a good job. I have no mortgage, kids and debt free as well as never been married. My girlfriend is from Lithuania, who i have been with for the last 6 months, was married for a number of years before splitting up with her husband 18 months ago. She works in catering, is 3 years older than me and is a really attractive lady. She is over the moon by it all as she never had children. She is a lovely woman with a warm personality. Our relationship is going really well and I spend alot of time with her but this is new territory for me. I honestly dont know what to do

You know what I didn't get here? the word 'love'. You're 6 months into a relationship with this 'lovely' woman never used the word 'love' here. You mention her background and her occupation. Is there any particular reason for these specifics?

mikemac1

Marry the girl

I am a friend

Op don't mind the smart ass comments you are likely to get here.. What do you mean you don't know what to do? In what regard? So you want her to have an abortion?

I wouldn't assume this was planned on any level and it's an injustice on posters parts to assume it is. It takes 2 to tango.,

hairyslug

My wife and i(before she was my wife) got gregnant after about 5 weeks of knowing eachother, completly unplanned, knocked me for 10 and i had no idea what to do, hang on in there, its a fun ride, you 2 may be made for eachother, you never know, it will take time for you to adjust to becoming a dad but its great craic, im terrible for giving advice but it does take 2 to put the bun in the oven

And you never know, you could be like me, sitting in the waiting room in the rotunda with the wife waiting to be called to have our 3rd child

Nuttzz

When you said older girlfriend I expected you to be 20 and her to be 39, at 34 & 37 there is not much of a difference in my mind.

Some questions you need to think about:
You have to decide do you really see yourself with her long term?
Are you living together at the moment, do you know what she is really like to live with?
Is there any religious issues that could arise, i.e. her folks or yours putting the marriage squeeze on?
Finally you have a nice lifestyle, no kids, debt and good job, are you will to give some or most of that up for this woman and the child?

LegacyUser

ouiopuioi wrote: »

You are "taken aback", it's "completely unexpected", and has "knocked you for ten"....really?
As a 34 year old with no mortgage, no kids, no ex-wife, a good job...I've news for you; women would consider you highly eligible. Not least a woman from an Eastern European country(lower wages) with a biological clock ticking(approaching 40). I'm not saying this pregnancy was not an accident, just that if a 37 year old has managed NOT to get pregnant for 20 odd years, it seems a little convenient that she falls pregnant now. If you didn't always use contraception yourself, you have to accept some element of responsibility. Anyway, regardless, she's now pregnant.
You sound like you fancy her, enjoy her company, and you're of an age where you've had plenty of experience to know your mind at this stage. It's a shock, but you're in a good position, and more importantly, in a good relationship. It's should be exciting for you also though, no?
I always figure everything in life happens for a reason- remember that. Good luck!

Really don't like the tone of your post. Specifically 'from an Eastern European country (lower wages)' it implies that shes a gold digger and that sort of racism is not on. Just to let you know my sister was with her partner for years and trying to have a baby. Then they found themselves in a bad financial situation and stopped trying and lo and behold she got pregnant. It happens, dont just assume because of her nationality and age that she is trying to use pregnancy to trap a guy. You know nothing of her and shouldnt assume such things, especially on the basis of her nationality.

OP firstly, you are in a perfect position to provide for this child and give the child everything it wants. You are also mature enough. The question is, do you love the girl?

Miss Fluff

Let's cut to the chase here, is it the case that you look down on your girlfriend/don't feel she's good enough for you that poses the problem here? Because that's what comes across in your post and do please correct me my assumption is wrong. You specifically mention that she is older, works in catering, is from Eastern Europe/a country with lower wages. All this information seems a little gratuitious so what exactly is the subtext here?

LegacyUser

I was by no means implying she is a gold digger, nor am I being racist. I'm simply making the observation that on paper the OP is a catch, for any woman of any nationality. It is a FACT that wages are substantially lower in Eastern European countries, therefore however good a catch the OP would be to an Irish woman, he would equally be even more of a catch to an Eastern European woman. Fact.
Fair enough, this pregnancy may be a happy accident. However it's equally possible that it wasn't entirely unplanned. Your sisters' story is wonderful, alas I have direct experience of entrapment, so am perhaps biased towards that side of things...call me cynical.
Point is, it's irrelevant as presumably the OP would have had his part to play re contraception/discussions on contraception, and not much can be said only to make the best of things, being a father is a wonderful thing.

Big Bag of Chips

PD. wrote: »

a really attractive lady.....She is a lovely woman with a warm personality....

Is your problem that you don't love her, and don't see yourself in a long term relationship?

The way you have described her, you could be talking about a neighbour who you sometimes borrow milk from. Not someone you have been going out with for 6 months.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, I admit that reading it, that's how it comes across, but I'm just trying to figure out what the biggest issue for you is... the fact that its an unplanned pregnancy, or that its an unplanned pregnancy with someone that you dont see a future with?

If you, honestly, genuinely, don't see a future with her, then you need to let her know this... soon. You can still be part of the child's life, without being in a relationship with the mother.

Why don't you contact one of the crisis pregnancy agencies. I'm sure they would be as happy to talk to an unplanned Dad, as they are an unplanned Mam.

lumjm

O dear.. i agree with the above posters. And will add that though you of course are responsible too, I have to say this woman without doubt wanted to get pregnant. She had been married before and didn't have kids and then getting to the age she is, it was pretty much have kids with you or never. So she was not being totally honest with you (probably not totally with herself either). That's why you're feeling the way you are. You suddenly have to make the decision whether its a long term prospect or not and were not ready for thinking that way. You didn't say what protection you were using, and though it's both of your responsibility, too often its left to the woman to make sure she wont get pregnant. And if a woman kind of wants to get pregnant, its VERY easy for her to make it happen (provided there's no fertility problems).
So I would be totally honest with her and share your concerns and hesitations. Not knowing how you feel for this woman, from your post it seems you're not 100% sure about her. So if you aren't, be honest. If your not feeling it, don't pretend you are.

I am a friend

lumjm wrote: »

I have to say this woman without doubt wanted to get pregnant.

You have no idea what she wanted and its not helpful to the OP to make statements like that.

Starokan

6 months in is to my mind still the early stages of a relationship so i can understand how you would be shocked. I think anyone would be when its not planned. Having said that this could be the best thing to ever happen to you.

Im assuming when you say you dont know what to do your looking at the possibility of abortion as one of your choices. This is obviously something only you and your partner can decide together, if you go ahead with this then make sure you are taking every contraceptive precaution from now on.

Assuming abortion is not an option you have a clear choice, stay in the relationship or not. For me its pretty clear at the very least I would advise giving this a chance. She sounds like a lovely woman and given the fact that you both work you can potentially have a very happy fulfilled family life without the financial stress many people suffer.

If you decide to exit the relationship because this isnt for you, thats ok, dont beat yourself up over it, family life is not for everyone. If this case arises please dont just abandon your gf, you will be the childs father regardless, support her personally and financially and try be the best father you can when the child is born

Gl with this, i hope everything works out for the best

Neyite

Whether she intended to get pregnant is irrelevant at this stage. Its up to both partners to be responsible for contraception, so if the man does not want a pregnancy to happen, he can take measures to prevent it. Blaming the woman or speculating that she "trapped" him somehow is pointless. At best, she has "trapped" him into paying for the rearing of a child he is 50% responsible for conception of anyway.

It could very well be that her previous partner unknowingly had fertility issues, and over the years she felt that the pregnancy prevention methods were adequate only to get 'caught out' with a new partner.

I know a couple who got pregnant within 2 months of seeing each other. Their child is a teenager now and they are still very much a couple in love. They may not have been in love yet when they got their news, but there is no doubt that it blossomed at some point and is very much still there.

OP, even with couples who plan it, its new territory. I am 22 weeks at the moment with a very much planned and wanted baby.We are over the moon but some times we look at each other and go "what have we started here?" I know once baby comes along, our lives will be very different, our relationship will be very different. Some days I worry that we wont be able to manage, other days I am an oasis of Zen-like calmness with the feeling that we are blessed. And this is from someone who forked out loads of money to doctors to get pregnant.

We knew that the first trimester is a dicey time, in fact until our "big scan" during the week to check for anomalys, we were cautiously optimistic all the way. You have loads of time to get used to the idea of being a Dad, and lots of time to decide how involved you want to be in the child's life. You also have lots of time to see where your relationship is going, irrespective of a baby on board or not.

newuser30

While some of the posts are perhaps a little cynical, and no-one knows what she wanted, the OP states she is over the moon by it all, as she has never had kids. Therefore it would be assumed she wanted, or now wants a child. If I didn't want to get pregnant, I wouldn't be 'over the moon' if I discovered I was.

So we know how she feels, the issue here is whether this is what the OP wants or not. Either way the child is the priority in this. You don't have to stay with her because she's pregnant, if you're not really in love or don't see a future, she will appreciate your honesty, but you obviously have to contribute to the upbringing and care of the child.

Tweet0004

Congratulations, i know you have not planned for this kid, but it is an exciting time for you. Think you need to speak to this lady about the child. If you are not in love with her. As Aibi pointed out, you have not mentioned it in your post. Then you need to speak to her about what you both want. It is still important that you become involved in the childs life. As to the relationship with the mother, well that is something only you can decide. Good luck