I found texts... now what?

uptohere

Long story short, our relationship has been rough. For the past couple of months particularly, he has been very pissed off and angry with me. It seems I can do nothing right, and no matter what the issue is, I am always the one who has instigated it or caused it in some way. I have found myself literally walking on eggshells around him, terrified of setting him off.

He has access to my computers, phone, email, FB... anything really. I have nought to hide and no reason to deny him a look. On the other hand, if I as much as LOOK at his phone, he starts 'What are you doing?' and 'Can I have my phone back'. I don't DARE touch his computer. He is VERY, VERY secretive.

So, secretive that it literally drove me crazy. This morning, he was in the shower and I noticed that he had sent a webtext on my computer. I couldn't help it. I looked at his sent texts.

There they were. Texts to the mother of his son, his ex, that HATES me. They said things like 'Do I get my xmas shag this year?' and 'Your so sexy' and 'You can't handle the *%!*'

I don't know how to approach this situation. My blood has been boiling all day and every time I look at him, I just want to knock him out. On the other hand, I am in the wrong for looking, but he was driving me mad with his secrecy and now I know why!!!! If I say anything, he will FLIP on me and go mental.

I can't be in a relationship where he is still in touch with his ex in this fashion. I cannot mentally handle it. PLEASE give me some advice. PLEASE.

Thanks!

I think you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. Are you happy with a controlling man who blames everything on you, doesn't trust you, doesn't respect you?
I would strongly urge you to leave, tbh. Even aside from the cheating, it sounds like you're miserable.
You should be with someone who makes you happy, and who you make happy. It shouldn't be eggshells and stress and snooping.

uptohere

I am thinking, and I have been thinking... a lot. At the end of the day, I love this man and I have no proof that he is actually cheating. The texts though, I fear are a sign that he is not happy with me and he is not in a place he wants to be. I don't ever want to be responsible for making someone miserable.

Should I say something about the texts? Ugh... my head is royally wrecked.

I am a friend

uptohere wrote: »

I am in the wrong for looking,

It was wrong to look but your gut was right and its the lesser of the two evils... You obviously have to leave him cos he cant be trusted... If it were me I would pack my bags, not even bother to tell him and when he tries to find out why send him a link to his webtexts... Then wash your hands off the low life and move on... You deserve so much better....

I am a friend

uptohere wrote: »

I am thinking, and I have been thinking... a lot. At the end of the day, I love this man and I have no proof that he is actually cheating. The texts though, I fear are a sign that he is not happy with me and he is not in a place he wants to be. I don't ever want to be responsible for making someone miserable.

Should I say something about the texts? Ugh... my head is royally wrecked.

What more proof do you need? He has royally disrespected you and on top of that he treats you badly as you have outlined below...

uptohere wrote: »

For the past couple of months particularly, he has been very pissed off and angry with me. It seems I can do nothing right, and no matter what the issue is, I am always the one who has instigated it or caused it in some way. I have found myself literally walking on eggshells around him, terrified of setting him off.

So you love this guy??? Its hard to know why?

OP am sorry but by his actions it looks to me like he wants out but is too chicken to do it so he is treating you badly in the hope that you will pull the plug...

uptohere

uptohere wrote: »

I don't ever want to be responsible for making someone miserable.

Why don't you start with yourself?
You're miserable with him whether you love him or not, and if you keep quiet you'll stay miserable.
And if you say it to him without taking proof of the webtexts first, he'll accuse you of overreacting, snooping, make out like you're crazy, and you'll feel worse

say it, but be prepared to leave

tinkerbell

Hold on a minute .... he can look through all your stuff yet you can't look through his? There's something weird going on there ... he has something to hide. He's projecting whatever he's hiding and trying to make it out like he can't trust you when really you can't trust him.

I don't know how you can be with a person who is that secretive, there is no trust at all. If he can't let you be alone with his computer / phone / whatever for a minute then he is hiding something.

Janet1986

Get rid of him!

I was seeing someone recently and i couldn't piss with him!

I wasn't allowed to see other men but he was shagging who he wanted!

He was very controlling, even telling me what to wear!

I found out all his lies thanks to good ol facebook

Well rid i am.

uptohere

See, that's the problem. You are right. If I say something, he will turn it on me and I will be made out to be this crazy bitch who is snooping, when it is not true. I was suspicious, and I got an opportunity.
If I could get up and leave, I would, but there are three kids to think about and we own a house together. It's just not that easy.

In an ideal world, I would love to just sit and TALK to him, find out why he is texting her, why he is unhappy and if there is something I can change to make him happier, you know?

Oh God... I'm an ass. I should never have looked. I KNEW there was something, but I should never have looked. Sorry to be a whiny cow guys.

I am a friend

uptohere wrote: »

Oh God... I'm an ass. I should never have looked. I KNEW there was something, but I should never have looked. Sorry to be a whiny cow guys.

why are you the ass? Of course you should have looked. Kick him out.. he is a toe rag]

uptohere

uptohere wrote: »

See, that's the problem. You are right. If I say something, he will turn it on me and I will be made out to be this crazy bitch who is snooping, when it is not true. I was suspicious, and I got an opportunity.
If I could get up and leave, I would, but there are three kids to think about and we own a house together. It's just not that easy.

In an ideal world, I would love to just sit and TALK to him, find out why he is texting her, why he is unhappy and if there is something I can change to make him happier, you know?

Oh God... I'm an ass. I should never have looked. I KNEW there was something, but I should never have looked. Sorry to be a whiny cow guys.

Do you not hear yourself? He is the one treating you like crap and you are just wondering how to make him happier?
And if there are kids, do you really think this is going to be a good role model for them? It'll end up like those other threads where the dad teaches the kids to have zero respect for their mam.
Please, please leave. Get a solicitor and work out the legal stuff. Talk to him first if you have to but please just prepare to leave.
Get some self esteem.

uptohere

My mother was in an abusive relationship her whole life. My whole childhood, I begged her to leave my dad, but she never would. She would always say 'Commitment is for life, no matter what happens'.

I think she drilled it into me.

I don't want to be alone. I really don't. But, again, I do love him. I can't help it. I know I can't make him love me. I don't want to be the one who unravels this.

Janet1986

Couples counselling?

uptohere

uptohere wrote: »

My mother was in an abusive relationship her whole life. My whole childhood, I begged her to leave my dad, but she never would. She would always say 'Commitment is for life, no matter what happens'.

I think she drilled it into me.

I don't want to be alone. I really don't. But, again, I do love him. I can't help it. I know I can't make him love me. I don't want to be the one who unravels this.

He already unravelled it with his behaviour.
You can try to suggest counselling together as a couple if you are determined, but just be prepared to leave. Don't put up with all sorts of crap just because.
Learn the lesson from your mother and think about your kids

uptohere

Nah, he won't 'do' counselling. He thinks that he is brilliant and everyone else is wrong. Everyone knows it. No one debates or argues with him because when he is right... he is right. End of.

I'm no saint. I know I am a difficult person too, but I am trying here. I am scared because I know that at some stage tonight, he will say something smart to me and I am going to just let it all out. It's gonna be bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

He is going to say that it is all my fault. I'm a cow. I won't leave him alone. I'm going behind his back. Won't matter what the reason is, it will be all my fault.

I feel sick just thinking about it.

I think if I were you, I'd take off for the night to a B&B somewhere and clear my head. You're already falling into the "it's my fault, i'm a bad person" routine.
Just take off, say you'll be back to discuss it later, and let him worry & babysit.
And realise you are not a bad person, nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Your mother was in a bad relationship - you're in one - break it for your kids' sake.
I would also seek counselling on my own. I think you should do that. Even if you won't leave, go and talk to someone professional and work through this.

LegacyUser

uptohere wrote: »

Nah, he won't 'do' counselling. He thinks that he is brilliant and everyone else is wrong. Everyone knows it. No one debates or argues with him because when he is right... he is right. End of.

I'm no saint. I know I am a difficult person too, but I am trying here. I am scared because I know that at some stage tonight, he will say something smart to me and I am going to just let it all out. It's gonna be bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

He is going to say that it is all my fault. I'm a cow. I won't leave him alone. I'm going behind his back. Won't matter what the reason is, it will be all my fault.

I feel sick just thinking about it.

I can't believe how much you're putting yourself down - and that's exactly what he wants. For you to start blaming yourself.

I agree with the other posters - he is the one who caused all this trouble and you are unhappy, so why should you stay with him? Think not only for your own good but for the children's and leave this awful person.

I don't think you even owe this man an explanation, seeing as he doesn't feel the need to be open with you so you can avoid a confrontation where you think he will accuse of you of being at fault for 'going behind his back'. Just tell him that you're not happy, that you don't want to argue over it, you just want to separate.

I really hope it works out for you.

Chinafoot

So 3 kids and a house together would indicate you are together for quite a long time, yes? You say you don't have any proof he's actually cheating but from the below quote I would say it's fairly obvious he's been playing away.

uptohere wrote: »

'Do I get my xmas shag this year?'

The use of "this year" seems to indicate that he got his "christmas shag" in previous years. Perhaps I'm wrong but thats what it says to me. Even if he hasn't had sex with her (and I really don't believe he hasn't) he is still disrespecting you and your family with those messages.

This guy is a creep who has zero respect for you. You love him, I get that but do you think he loves you? Do you think someone who is carrying on like this behind your back could actually love you?

Wake up OP. You are in a relationship with a scumbag that you are pretty much afraid of. You're walking on egg-shells, afraid to set him off. Do you think this is a healthy environment for your kids? Your kids will not thank you for staying with this scumbag in years to come. They will resent you for not leaving when you had the chance and instead keeping them in a miserable home with a father who doesn't respect their mother.

You said you don't want to be alone and if you're honest with yourself OP this is the real reason you won't leave. Fear of being alone is not a good enough reason to stay in such a horrible situation.

Have you any friends or family you can confide in?

dearg lady

bluewolf wrote: »

I think if I were you, I'd take off for the night to a B&B somewhere and clear my head. You're already falling into the "it's my fault, i'm a bad person" routine.
Just take off, say you'll be back to discuss it later, and let him worry & babysit.
And realise you are not a bad person, nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Your mother was in a bad relationship - you're in one - break it for your kids' sake.
I would also seek counselling on my own. I think you should do that. Even if you won't leave, go and talk to someone professional and work through this.

+1 especially on the counselling for yourself. Seems like he has you worn down.
Clear your head and bring it up calmly, don't snap it out when he annoys you about something else. Ask for the truth, if he won't talk about it, and won't consider trying to sort out issues then my advice to you is to get rid of him.

My mother too was in an unhappy relationship, she stayed for our sakes, but it made for an unhappy environment to grow up in, but you know that.
children are not stupid and they know well what is going on. I also think that if the relationship is not workin, the sooner you finish it the better. It will give you both a better chance to move on.

nowyouresix

Uptohere :I'm literally shaking after reading your post, as you sound exactly what I was like a few years ago. I found my husband cheating and he sounds a carbon copy of my ex. If you stay in this you will end up in the mentlar. He has you exactly where he wants you. If you feel you are walking on eggshells believe me your kids have picked up on that. What next...wait until he hits you, or worse, hits the kids. You have all the proof you need. You don't have to see it from his perspective, wondering if he's not happy. He is a controlling brute, just like my ex. Yes it is very hard to get out of the situation, but it IS doable. Please get some help from someone you trust. Make a plan. Whatever you decide to do, be sure it is right for you. It is daunting the whole thoughts of it, but think of the long term. Your kids will grow up and move on, but what about you? Do you want to have him snarling in your face the REST of your life? I had the same thing about commitment being for life and that 's the reason I stayed in it for so long, kept giving it another chance until I was sick of having to physically put myself in between him and the kids so they wouldn't get a hiding. I never thought I had the strength to get through it, but I did, and you would too.
Make a plan. Follow it through.
Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

If you found out your daughter was in a relationship like this, and feeling like you are now..

What would be your advice to her?.....

Stay feeling miserable because it'll keep him happy. Her feelings shouldn't really matter in the relationship.

Or

Know that she is worth more than how he is treating her.

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

Kick him to the kerb, jeez.

Abi

uptohere wrote: »

Long story short, our relationship has been rough. For the past couple of months particularly, he has been very pissed off and angry with me. It seems I can do nothing right, and no matter what the issue is, I am always the one who has instigated it or caused it in some way. I have found myself literally walking on eggshells around him, terrified of setting him off.

He has access to my computers, phone, email, FB... anything really. I have nought to hide and no reason to deny him a look. On the other hand, if I as much as LOOK at his phone, he starts 'What are you doing?' and 'Can I have my phone back'. I don't DARE touch his computer. He is VERY, VERY secretive.

So, secretive that it literally drove me crazy. This morning, he was in the shower and I noticed that he had sent a webtext on my computer. I couldn't help it. I looked at his sent texts.

There they were. Texts to the mother of his son, his ex, that HATES me. They said things like 'Do I get my xmas shag this year?' and 'Your so sexy' and 'You can't handle the *%!*'

I don't know how to approach this situation. My blood has been boiling all day and every time I look at him, I just want to knock him out. On the other hand, I am in the wrong for looking, but he was driving me mad with his secrecy and now I know why!!!! If I say anything, he will FLIP on me and go mental.

I can't be in a relationship where he is still in touch with his ex in this fashion. I cannot mentally handle it. PLEASE give me some advice. PLEASE.

Thanks!

I'm just going to put it out there - there should never be any sense of entitlement to each others FB accounts, webtexts or whatever else. What is your is yours.

The fact that you found something swings my view on it in another direction, but if the relationship wasn't toxic in the first place nobody would have been going through each others personal accounts.

Why was he doing that, and why did you?


Toxic, no trust, no loyalty relationship is the answer here. I hope you'll use the advice in this thread and move on. What you did wasn't right, but what you found I'm surprised you even have to ask what to do next.

I wish you all the best all the same.

dearg lady

Abi wrote: »

I'm just going to put it out there - there should never be any sense of entitlement to each others FB accounts, webtexts or whatever else. What is your is yours.

The fact that you found something swings my view on it in another direction, but if the relationship wasn't toxic in the first place nobody would have been going through each others personal accounts.

Why was he doing that, and why did you?


Toxic, no trust, no loyalty relationship is the answer here. I hope you'll use the advice in this thread and move on. What you did wasn't right, but what you found I'm surprised you even have to ask what to do next.

I wish you all the best all the same.

Yes, I would agree, it's slightly off topic, but I see no reason for my man to have access to my facebook, e-mail, phone etc. Although the other side of that of course is that I wouldn't actively hide it, I would happily leave my phone in a room with him, I would leave my computer logged in sometimes without realising. I know he wouldn't check through it, he has no reaosn to. It comes down to trust doesn't it, which unfortunately OP (rightly it seems) does not have in her relationship

LovelyLottie

I really feel for you. When we have a gut feeling that something's not right, then go looking, and then actually find something, it can take a lot of strength and self-confidence to 'do the right thing'.

I can completely relate to your feeling of wishing you'd never looked. Because now you are forced to confront this situation and do something about it. And that is the more painful option.

People telling you to 'kick him to the kerb' is not going to be helpful to you, because you have kids and finances to consider, apart from your own attachment to this man.

But I would urge you to listen to the comments that people have made about your own happiness and that of your kids being paramount.

His tactic of blowing up any time you confront him over something or turning the tables and accusing you of being sneaky/paranoid etc., is a diversion tactic. It's not nice and it's not fair.

It's very difficult to believe that you deserve better than this when your self-esteem and self-worth are at an all-time low. But you must remind yourself that you deserve to be happy, stress-free and at peace in a relationship.

If i were in your position i would try and talk to friends and family. Get their support and guidance. Suss out your options. Think seriously about ending this relationship. See if you can get support from friends and family to get you and your kids through this difficult time. Best of luck.

LostGirly

uptohere wrote: »

Long story short, our relationship has been rough. For the past couple of months particularly, he has been very pissed off and angry with me. It seems I can do nothing right, and no matter what the issue is, I am always the one who has instigated it or caused it in some way. I have found myself literally walking on eggshells around him, terrified of setting him off.

He has access to my computers, phone, email, FB... anything really. I have nought to hide and no reason to deny him a look. On the other hand, if I as much as LOOK at his phone, he starts 'What are you doing?' and 'Can I have my phone back'. I don't DARE touch his computer. He is VERY, VERY secretive.

So, secretive that it literally drove me crazy. This morning, he was in the shower and I noticed that he had sent a webtext on my computer. I couldn't help it. I looked at his sent texts.

There they were. Texts to the mother of his son, his ex, that HATES me. They said things like 'Do I get my xmas shag this year?' and 'Your so sexy' and 'You can't handle the *%!*'

I don't know how to approach this situation. My blood has been boiling all day and every time I look at him, I just want to knock him out. On the other hand, I am in the wrong for looking, but he was driving me mad with his secrecy and now I know why!!!! If I say anything, he will FLIP on me and go mental.

I can't be in a relationship where he is still in touch with his ex in this fashion. I cannot mentally handle it. PLEASE give me some advice. PLEASE.

Thanks!

Get out and get out now! Not only is there a massive chance that he has been cheating on you for awhile now which is just so so horrible and disrespectful to you, he also had the absolute cheek to send a text of that manner to his ex girlfriend on YOUR computer! Is he for real!

I'm sorry OP but he has zero respect for you! Get out you deserve better than this!

LittleBook

uptohere wrote: »

My mother was in an abusive relationship her whole life. My whole childhood, I begged her to leave my dad, but she never would. She would always say 'Commitment is for life, no matter what happens'.

I think she drilled it into me.

I don't want to be alone. I really don't. But, again, I do love him. I can't help it. I know I can't make him love me. I don't want to be the one who unravels this.

Read your own post over and over ... and over. If you can't get out for your own sake, think about your kids. Sometimes being alone is better.

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation myself 5 weeks ago. Though thankfully we were not living together and there were no kids. Basically after months of passing off my suspicions (which I raised with him) as just fear, madness, silliness etc. I found out the truth. I had been having, gut feelings and downright lucid dreams that this man was cheating but I ignored it because I realy, really wanted it to work. And also because he really didn't seem the type, he seemed so caring and sensitive - he had me completely manipulated and he had eroded what little self esteem I had. He used to love when I was vulnerable and I think he used to try and keep me vulnerable so he could play the knight in shining armour and make himself feel good. Anyway as i say eventually I looked for evidence and like you I found it, lots of it. He had been cheating since the start 18 months ago with various women, some of whom I knew and had met. They didn't know we were together because he was so "private"!!

I was faced with easy decision that was really difficult to make. I had enough self respect left to know that if I stayed, then he wasn't wronging me anymore, I was wronging myself. He treated dispicably and completely disrespected me, but if I had stayed then I would have to take responsibility for staying. So if you decide to stay then do so knowing that you had a choice and you chose to stay in hell, because it sounds like that is where you are. I thought I loved him but I realise now that actually I really wanted hime to love me because I wasn't enough for me. In that context finding out I wasn't enough for him was truely devastating but you know, no one will be enough for him.

I left, I tried to hang around and act normal for a few hours because like that I knew looking was wrong, Or I thought it was, the point is I knew deep down anyway, otherwise i never would have looked, so i am not sorry I did. I was also in pretty severe shock, which is normal in these situations. The last 5 weeks has not been easy but knowing that I did the right thing and stood up for myself has really helped. I can do way better. Even if I never meet anyone again (and I believe I will eventually) I would rather be alone that with someone who dislikes me so much that they would treat me like that. I am angry, I am hurt, I am betrayed, I am sad but I am free now and I am healing very slowly.

My advice is go and talk to a friend or someone your trust. Get counselling for yourself. You are worth more than this. When I was in my relationship I used to see other happy couples holding hands and think I wish I could have that. I was IN a relationship thinking that. At least now I know that there is a chance I can have a happy relationship as long as I was with him I couldn't.

Good Luck, Take care of yourself, you are precious.

Neyite

sunflower27 wrote: »

I have heard - many times - that when someone is themselves cheating, they are incredibly suspicious of the same being done to them.

In fact, I had first-hand experience of this with an ex who would accuse me and I later found out he was the one doing the dirt.

You are right - and I think its called projection. Its accusing the other person of the negative traits that they themselves possess and display. Basically, because person A (themselves) is capable of cheating easily and does so without remorse they assume that person B (their partner) is also equally capable of cheating easily and does so without remorse.

It can be across any type of behaviour. A b!tchy person will view some comments made to them as being b!tchy, even though the comment might actually be complimentary.
Funnily enough it was an ex that led me to find that out too.

OP, I dont see any way out other than to ask him to leave. If you cant talk to him, and he cant /wont admit it, and he refuses to go to counselling what can you do. It takes 2 people to save a relationship, you cant do it alone. Would the ex admit it if you asked her?

Smashhits

Hi OP
I can't give you any other advice than what others have already said. I can although give you hope.

I was in the same situation 18 months ago. OH cheating, 2 kids, house, together a long time.

I made him leave. It's not until you have the strength to follow through with your decision that you will be able to make it. It took me 5 months to really believe that it was the right thing to do.

You've just found this information out give yourself a chance to breath and take it all in. It's devastating to find out someone you love is treating you this way but what you need to do next is arm yourself. By that I mean, start with money, for you and the kids. If you want to work at your relationship admittedly try but prepare for the future, try to get yourself a cushion to live on independently of him.

Get yourself to a counsellor and get legal advice. Information is power.
Be good to yourself and your children, they need you probably more now than ever, they will know something is amiss no matter what their ages.

I loved my OH deeply and was so fearful of being alone especially with 2 kids and all the bills etc.
BUT I'm here, I'm still alive, my kids are happy and I'm happy. My health has improved and I'm hopeful for the future.
Good luck

Tweet0004

Listen girl, you are way to good for him. I know it is hard, as you have feeling which are probably strong. But in the long term, he cannot be trusted. I could say you need to talk to him. But as you know, then you will have to say you saw his texts/emails, and he will turn the conversation to blaming you. Think you need to think long and hard about what you want. As this is about you not him. He is obviously cheating on you. Been there, so all i can say is, if you feel you can work it out, and be certain that he will not do this again then stay. But if your guy feeling tells you he may, then move on, it is hard to let go, but you need to meet someone who loves you for who you are, and respects you enough not to cheat.:)