Golf Humour

Back9bandit

Found this, it should get the ball rolling. there should be pics but i couldnt manage to fit them in, anyway you will get the gist of it....

One day a man decided to retire...



He booked
himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself
on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After
about four months,
he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.


In disbelief,
he asks, "Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"

She replies,
"I rowed over from the other side
of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.
"You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?"
explains the woman.
"I made the boat out
of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled
from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where
did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem,"
replied the woman. "On the
south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place,"
she says "and I'll give you a tour."

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk
leading to a cabin and
tree house.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into
the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you,"
the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a
Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor
in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything,
the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a
piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned,
she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then
beckons for him
to sit down
next to
her.

"Tell me,"
she begins suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows
excitedly as tears
start to form
in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!

"You've built a Golf Course?"

scubapro

I found something similliar yesterday.

WHAT A DREAM!

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"
She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"



And this which I thought was hilarious.


Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.


Found these and more here http://www.pattishomepage.com/forwards/golf.htm

slave1

scubapro wrote: »

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.**

:rolleyes:Typical, he should call the following group through immediately and spend no more than 5 minutes looking,20 minutes is a joke;);)


**Excellent

Gophur

Golf balls , however, do exist!

Freemount09

This married couple are playing their regular weekly game, when the husband turns to the wife and confesses "honey, I have to tell you something - When we were engaged to be married I had an affair, but I ended it before we got married"

The wife ponders and said "thats no problem, I don't mind, sure you haven't cheated on me since we got married"

Towards the end of the round, the wife turns to him and says "since we are being so honest, I have something to tell you too ! I used to be a man !!"

The husband goes berserk and kicks over her bag, pulls out his driver and starts swinging wildly digging up the course, hitting trees and shouting "WHAT !! You mean to tell me that after all these years of us being married and playing golf you were cheating by playing off the red tee box !"

irish bloke

Wife's Diary:



Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset


He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving.


I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.'


When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.


He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.


He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed.


About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.


He fell asleep; I cried.


I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.


My life is a disaster.





(scroll down)




Husband's Diary:








A four putt; who the F.uck four putts ?

Benicetomonty

Man and his wife are playing the annual mixed foursomes and its his honour on the 1st. So he steps up and obliterates one straight down the middle, just shy of a bunker 365 yards out. The lady then proceeds to top it viciously straight into aforementioned bunker. Biting his tongue, the guy pulls out his wedge, makes perfect contact and the ball settles no more than a foot from the hole. Not close enough however, as his better half pushes the putt badly, leaving a testy 4 footer coming back. To his credit, husband manages to hole out but is furious walking to the next tee, 'What were you doing?..we're a laughing stock.. I told you to keep still over the ball..etc'. So the wife just looks at him and says, ' I dont know why you're so angry, sure I only hit it twice'.