I am going crazy

LegacyUser

This is as much of a personal issue as it is a relationship issue.

Basically I feel as if my whole life has run away with me and things have happened that have gotten the better of me.

I am in a relationship for 5 years in my late twentys.

A couple of months ago my boss came to me and said there wasnt much work left where I was, he told me I could move to the UK and work for the company there. I had a chat with my OH and we worked through the pros and cons of it. She was natually upset as we were living together and she felt like we were taking a step backwards. I told her it would all be fine and that we would see eachother most weekends and that.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I am over in the UK working away staying in a hotel etc. My head was geared toward Christmas and the prospect of being off and us spending some quality time together. Christmas comes and its everything i imagined, we have a great time, see lots of friends etc.

Christmas is then over and the day before I am due to fly back, I wake up in a funny humour. I am normally a very out going person and I must have said 20 words all day. This was obviously picked up on. I just said I was tired (which I was), deep down in my head something was going on. I honestly at this time didnt know what. I didnt feel especially down or anything just didnt feel like saying much.

I flew back to the UK and at my desk I just started to well up. I went to the toilets and just started crying. I hadnt a clue why. I tried to make sense of it all but I couldnt. It was just raw emotions. I went back to my desk and just started to think about what was going on with me.

What I could only come up with is that, I obviously in an effort to keep my OH upbeat I never took stock of my own feelings about it all and the whole thing just caved around me like a house of cards. I feel as if that work/life balance has tipped too far in favour of the work side. Now I feel as if I am in a situation where the whole thing is running away on my like a train, that I cant control whats going on at all. (I know I could just walk in to my boss and pack the whole lot in, but I wont find a job back home so easily in my field of work)

I see my OH most weekends, but I actually find its becoming unbearable being away from her so much. Couple that with a new job, away from home etc I feel like im going down a hole with no light at the end of it.

I dunno what to do.

nowyouresix

So sorry you had to move away for work. Could you discuss with your OH to join you there? Is it that it's just hit you now the enormity of the change? It must be very difficult living by yourself in a hotel though. It 's really good of you to want to protect her from seeing you so upset, but really you can't keep keeping it to yourself, if you share that with her, then she can support you more. In any case do you want her to join you there or do you feel your relationship is coming to an end as well? Sorry so many questions! Best of luck. It is hard to be lonely, in a new place etc.

allovertheshop

I know I'm stating the obvious but starting a new job can be a very stressful time for anyone. Starting a new job and having to move away from family and loved ones makes it even harder. it must be really tough to be away from your OH, even though you seem to get together a lot more than some peolpe that I know who are living and working abroad.

I don't know if it's possible in your work situation to plan a holiday away for just the two of you, it would be something to look forward to and help you to put up with being away so much.

Also, maybe you need to talk to a professional about your situation. When you're at home it's easy to vent all your frustrations down the pub on a friday evening after work with friends. Again, I don't know your situation, but maybe you just need someone to talk to, someone that you don't feel guilty about burdening with your problems.

I hope that it works out for you

Kimia

You're in your late twentys and you have been in your relationship for 5 years. I'm really surprised that the option of your OH moving with you wasn't discussed and that is putting up a red flag for me (unless there's some reason you haven't gone into?)

LegacyUser

OP here again,

Thanks for the replies thus far. I suppose the whole thing just hit me all at once as I seem to have bottled the whole thing up and didnt give it real consideration.

My OH was planning on jacking in her job in Dec to move in with me in Jan, however she got a project in work that would be good on her CV and we agreed it would be better for her to see that out and then come over rather than leave before she gets the experience. The project goes until the the middle of the year.

I dont think its a red flag situation is it or maybe ive missed something?

LittleBook

First of all, allovertheshop is right ... starting a new job, moving away from home and family and friends is a HUGE amount of stress and pressure, particularly when it's not out of choice as in your situation.

Second of all, don't worry about how you were the day you were leaving. My partner is in the UK and after a particularly good time together he finds it very hard to leave and can barely string a sentence together. Telling you're partner you're "just tired" isn't fair on either of you, be honest and tell her what's going on in your head.

Thirdly, don't read too much into what happened when you got back to work after Christmas. Post-Christmas blues are common but add to that the fact that you had a wonderful time with your partner and then had to leave ... well, you can (at least!) double the blues for yourself.

Having said all that, obviously you can't go home and your partner can't move to where you are so you need to start looking at the situation as it is and see about improving it.

You MUST get yourself an apartment, living out of hotels is a nightmare ... you have no sense of "home" or belonging in that situation. If your company is willing to put you up in a hotel, they will possibly subsidise the rent on an apartment and will save a lot of money in the process.

Then, once you get yourself your own place, you need to start encouraging your partner to come to you, instead of it always being the other way around. Travel is extremely stressful too, especially at the end of a working week. And doing it every weekend ... :eek:

Lastly, you have to stop putting on a "brave face". I understand you had to do this because you didn't want your partner to worry and because she got upset. But I'd like to think that your partner is willing to share the burden of what you're both going through.

I suspect also that you feel a certain amount of guilt for being the one that separated you so you have to remember this was out of your hands, this is not your fault and you are doing your very best.

You're in a long-distance relationship now and it's not easy. But you two have five-years behind you and you should be able to get through this together.

Good luck

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

First of all, allovertheshop is right ... starting a new job, moving away from home and family and friends is a HUGE amount of stress and pressure, particularly when it's not out of choice as in your situation.

Second of all, don't worry about how you were the day you were leaving. My partner is in the UK and after a particularly good time together he finds it very hard to leave and can barely string a sentence together. Telling you're partner you're "just tired" isn't fair on either of you, be honest and tell her what's going on in your head.

Thirdly, don't read too much into what happened when you got back to work after Christmas. Post-Christmas blues are common but add to that the fact that you had a wonderful time with your partner and then had to leave ... well, you can (at least!) double the blues for yourself.

Having said all that, obviously you can't go home and your partner can't move to where you are so you need to start looking at the situation as it is and see about improving it.

You MUST get yourself an apartment, living out of hotels is a nightmare ... you have no sense of "home" or belonging in that situation. If your company is willing to put you up in a hotel, they will possibly subsidise the rent on an apartment and will save a lot of money in the process.

Then, once you get yourself your own place, you need to start encouraging your partner to come to you, instead of it always being the other way around. Travel is extremely stressful too, especially at the end of a working week. And doing it every weekend ... :eek:

Lastly, you have to stop putting on a "brave face". I understand you had to do this because you didn't want your partner to worry and because she got upset. But I'd like to think that your partner is willing to share the burden of what you're both going through.

I suspect also that you feel a certain amount of guilt for being the one that separated you so you have to remember this was out of your hands, this is not your fault and you are doing your very best.

You're in a long-distance relationship now and it's not easy. But you two have five-years behind you and you should be able to get through this together.

Good luck

Thanks Littlebook your post has made an awful lot of sense. I didnt try dismiss my OH when she asked what was wrong, I genuinely was tired, but it was a case of something building in the back of my mind and I hadnt really thought of what was going on. I have told me OH how I felt and she said she knew something was up.

Your second last paragraph has kinda struck a chord with me since I read your response. I guess I do feel guilty. In a way I made her sad at the start by putting all this in our lap. Like I said I feel like the whole thing just happened and now im stuck with the consequences of it all.

I have upmost faith in her and she in me, so the bond is there to make this work, but I cant help but feel it shouldnt have come to this at all for some reason. Like I said above, its like I have tipped the scales too far towards the work side of the work/life balance.

I imagine I have an overly pessimestic view out my little window at the moment as currently everything that I would have called stability has just been turned on its head and it all happened so fast thats why I feel like the walls are caving in around me.

Beruthiel

Walls caving in wrote: »

I went to the toilets and just started crying. I hadnt a clue why.

Because you are a normal, healthy human being.
Taken away from your family, away from your home, lonely and alone in another country, damn right you cried. Anyone would.

I see my OH most weekends, but I actually find its becoming unbearable being away from her so much. Couple that with a new job, away from home etc I feel like im going down a hole with no light at the end of it.

You need to talk to your OH and tell her exactly how you feel. You must not keep this from her.
You are in a partnership and your partner needs to know.
Also, living out of a hotel on a constant basis means you cannot form a life over there.
If you do intend to stay in the job, as LittleBook said, you need to find a little place to stay and form some sort of life for yourself during the week.
Otherwise, you will slowly go mad.
Best of luck!

LittleBook

Walls caving in wrote: »

I didnt try dismiss my OH when she asked what was wrong, I genuinely was tired, but it was a case of something building in the back of my mind and I hadnt really thought of what was going on. I have told me OH how I felt and she said she knew something was up.

OK good, keep the lines of communication open, that's so important in general but even moreso in your situation. Next time this gloom descends at the end of a visit, you'll both see it for what it is. It probably won't make things easier in these situations, sometimes there's even a temptation to wallow in it. But when you know what it is you're feeling you can cope with it a lot better.

Walls caving in wrote: »

Your second last paragraph has kinda struck a chord with me since I read your response. I guess I do feel guilty. In a way I made her sad at the start by putting all this in our lap. Like I said I feel like the whole thing just happened and now im stuck with the consequences of it all.

I have upmost faith in her and she in me, so the bond is there to make this work, but I cant help but feel it shouldnt have come to this at all for some reason. Like I said above, its like I have tipped the scales too far towards the work side of the work/life balance.

You have to move away from this. Sometimes things happen which are beyond our control. You know full well you're not the only person this has happened to so you must understand that you didn't bring it on yourself, it's just a terrible sign of these times.

The walls are caving in because you feel like you've lost control, take it back. The only way you will cope with this unfortunate situation is by acceptance.

Walls caving in wrote: »

I imagine I have an overly pessimestic view out my little window at the moment as currently everything that I would have called stability has just been turned on its head and it all happened so fast thats why I feel like the walls are caving in around me.

Of course you do, the rug has been completely pulled out from under you and you're struggling to cope, this is perfectly normal. But again, you need to move away from this sense of pessimism.

You probably don't want to hear this but you and your partner are quite lucky all things considered. You can get home 3 or 4 times a month. In the meantime there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... either you will get a job back home or your partner can move to where you are in a few months.

You feel you've lost stability but you need to look at the stability that you actually have ... a loving partner, a good job, a bright(er) future, there's probably lots of other things I couldn't guess at!

I strongly recommend (again) you look at setting up "home" (however temporary) where you are. I wonder if you haven't done this because you haven't been ready to accept the situation you find yourself in?

If you feel that you can't cope with this on your own, please don't hesitate to get some extra help, whether from a friend, family member, counsellor. It's always good to talk.

And remember:

Walls caving in wrote: »

the bond is there to make this work