Confused and headwrecked in pseudo LDR

LegacyUser

Folks just looking for an outside opinion here, because I'm a bit too close to be objective.

Myself and a longterm friend hooked up recently after years of being in the 'zone' but both knowing there was more there.
Now at the time we got together we lived on opposite sides of the country and
neither of us were moving to be closer to the other(Due to family/work commitments on my side and work on hers)

This suited us both quite well, we had a chat about our feelings for each other and after knowing each other for 12yrs they were fairly evident, mutual and strong
However recently, she moved to Europe for a new job, a fantastic opportunity for her that I'm delighted she got...
However here is where my problem starts.
Before she moved away, I said we'd leave things lie as with her being away and meeting new people who knows what could happen, and I didn't want her to feel that she was tied down or held back by a LDR...
She had similar misgivings and said she didn't want me waiting around for her either.

That said we are still in very regular contact(Despite my being crazy about her, she's also one of my best friends )
And until recently I thought the feelings on both sides were just as strong...
And a text message i had from her declaring her feelings for me, whilst I was out with a girl she knows had tried to get with me previously(I wasn't on a date with her, she was a plus1 at a family event) made me think that maybe the long distance was worth a try.

But she was home for Xmas and arranged for me and her to meet up for a few days which involved me staying with her in her folks house
for 2 nights.
Anyway on the crux of my issue....
I went up, we had some fun and on the 1st night she pulls me into her bedroom(I was supposed to be in a seperate room, her folks are old fashioned )
and we start fooling around
Then when we are both undressed(And trying to keep quiet in a creaky house :P ), she proceeds to tell me about this guy she's been on a few dates with....But that while she liked him they hadn't slept together!
Now don't get me wrong....
I appreciate her honesty, but theres a time and a place to tell someone this..no?
And I don't think in bed with me prior to us getting it on is either!
Or am I wrong?

Then she says, ''I'm telling you this because I don't want you blindsided by it if we meet him, or go for a drink where he works when you come to visit me''
WTF like! Why would we go where he works for a drink?
Surely there's other places to go in a large European city?
This strikes me as just totally tactless or maybe even some kinda drama attention seeking(Which isn't how she is as a person at all)and is the second time she has caught me like this with a remark.

The last time I'll be quite honest was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me and if it was a man who'd left me feeling like that rather than a woman....
I would have reacted physically and forcefully.
Yet when I spoke to her about it, she shrugged it off as a misunderstanding.
Yet if I'm honest they only way someone could assume what she'd said was a misunderstanding was if the suffered from some form of autism or similar

Am I overreacting by being as hurt as I am by this?
If I was doing this to her I'd fully expect to be called out for 'game-playing'
Is this a lost cause?

allovertheshop

Have you made arrangements to go visit her already?

you said that you both agreed not to do the whole LDR thing so it's only fair to realise that she isn't doing a LDR with you and is free to see other guys. yes, it was the wrong time and place for her to tell you. Maybe she didn't realise that things were going to go so far with you both when she came home, and as a result she wanted to tell you but just got the timing wrong.

Unless she's going to be coming home on a regular basis, or you've decided to visit her on a regular basis, I don't see much future between you both in the short-term. Maybe if thing change and you are both living closer, it might work but for now I think that you have to leave it as a holiday romance.

LDR's are hard enough when you've got a good solid foundation before the seperation but they are near impossible when starting from different countries. If you really think that it could work out, you'll have a lot of work to do, planning in advance weekends abroad around her schedule to come home, loads of skype / phonecalls, e-mails and loads of lonely moments where you can't just pop round to see her for a chat, can't just get a dvd and have a night on the couch etc.

Most importantly, you have to make sure that it's what you both want

LegacyUser

allovertheshop wrote: »

Have you made arrangements to go visit her already?

you said that you both agreed not to do the whole LDR thing so it's only fair to realise that she isn't doing a LDR with you and is free to see other guys. yes, it was the wrong time and place for her to tell you. Maybe she didn't realise that things were going to go so far with you both when she came home, and as a result she wanted to tell you but just got the timing wrong.

Unless she's going to be coming home on a regular basis, or you've decided to visit her on a regular basis, I don't see much future between you both in the short-term. Maybe if thing change and you are both living closer, it might work but for now I think that you have to leave it as a holiday romance.

LDR's are hard enough when you've got a good solid foundation before the seperation but they are near impossible when starting from different countries. If you really think that it could work out, you'll have a lot of work to do, planning in advance weekends abroad around her schedule to come home, loads of skype / phonecalls, e-mails and loads of lonely moments where you can't just pop round to see her for a chat, can't just get a dvd and have a night on the couch etc.

Most importantly, you have to make sure that it's what you both want

OP here, I wasn't clear when I said we'd agreed not to do the LDR thing.
We did agree to that, then I get a message from her declaring that she loved me and she wanted to make this work despite the distance.

Her exact words were sure at the end of the day I'm still only 2hrs away......Tis the same as living in Dublin really.
She waited until she knew I was out with another girl(In a platonic manner) to send that message and when I called her back to talk to her about it.
I got the impression that yeah she wanted me but also wanted to be sure I wasn't having anyone else.

Look I'll be 100% straight here, with regards to her seeing this other guy...
It actually doesn't bother me.
She is living foreign in a big city with a small expat community.
Outside of work you're gonna be socialising in the same smallish group most of the time and its only natural that there is gonna be a spark with someone else.
I''m delighted she's getting out there and meeting people, that she is building a circle of friends she can socialise with, rely on and to be perfectly frank...
Maybe she'll meet someone there who is the 'one' for her.
And as sad as I would be knowing that isn't me, I'd be delighted she found someone who did it for her

What does bother me, is the fact that she arranges for me to come up and see her while she is home(Which is a big deal for me, as I am a single parent and sorting childcare and even leaving my child for a few days over the holidays is/was a big deal)
We had spoken at length about what 'we' were and took the 'ahhh while we're together its great and lets enjoy that while we are together approach'
Thats what I went up there for...
To enjoy 'us' while we were together...
And until she piped up while we were in bed that 1st night I was.
But when someone you care about, is in bed with you and decides thats the time to broach the subject of seeing someone else...
To my mind at least not only is totally tactless, but also shows a shocking lack of respect to the person you're currently in bed with?
No?

I'm left feeling like I'm the fallback option,
I'm the one called when things go wrong to fix it professionally or personally!
I'm the one who misunderstands, or takes things up wrong when she puts her foot her in her mouth.
I suppose i've answered my own question here really....
In spending my time worrying about not ever making her feel second best....
I've become it!
Thats the end of that then!

king_of_inismac

The reality is you both have different ideas of what your "relationship" is.

Tell her how you feel. If she wants to be with you in the long-term, she'll have to change. If she doesn't, you know where you stand and can move on.

LegacyUser

OP here, Thanks for the input so far...
She got in touch with me today to say Hi and ask if I wanted to meet up when she's in London in a few weeks.

Its really starting to wreck my head the ease at which she can push my buttons >:(
Going from hot to cold in a heartbeat!
She always seems to time the contact to coincide with my thinking that thats it...
I'll just cut the cord, not get in touch for a while and see how I feel about it in a few weeks...

Its noones fault but my own that I let her get to me this way...

But the thing is, I'm fairly certain this is another play to keep my dangling as recently a mutual friend told her she thought I was starting to see someone(I'm not...yet but the opportunity is there)
And I'm getting the feeling that while she is happy enough to have her cake and eat I'm supposed to be happy with the crumbs and wait for her...

Jeez I just read over my posts here and I sound like such a girl! haha
It'd be so much easier if she'd just talk to me...
But the only time I can ever get her to even have something approaching an adult conversation about us is when she's drunk or post coitus and neither of those times are when I expect to have a heart to heart
Its all well and good being told I love you, and I need you....But if its only to pick up the pieces or as a standby ego boost.....
Why bother?

Taltos

OP - to be brutally honest I think your last sentence captured this whole relationship in two words - "ego boost".

From what you have written this is all I am seeing here. No matter what you want she seems to be keeping you hanging to make herself feel better. Even now when you may be interested in someone else she is around again.

My suggestion is to cancel the meet up in a few weeks and just start to put this part of your life behind you and get on with meeting other people. The longer this goes on the more confused and frustrated you will get - as well as lonely as more and more opportunites pass you by.

Just my two cents from what I have read.

Edit: Who knows maybe once you let her know where you both stands she will be totally honest with you about where you both are going - but I doubt it...

banie01

I'd tend to agree with Taltos and your own summation too here O.P
Looks like she's trying to have the best of both worlds while keeping you as security.

Defiler Of The Coffin

As you said at the end of your last post "Why bother"? Don't let this girl stop you from meeting someone better suited to you.

The fact that she's dating someone abroad should tell you what you need to know.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks to everyone who offered advice so far it has helped and is appreciated.

I've decided that I'm going to cut back contact, stop making myself immediately available to her and see how it goes(While fully expecting it to go nowhere).
I again tried to chat to her about what we 'were' but got brushed off again
I'm sick of trying to have a talk only to be fobbed off or ignored.

I've spent too long grieving and mourning for my past and now I'm ready and willing to move on I feel its been thrown back in my face by the 1 person I'd have trusted to never do it.
This was my 1st step back into the dating world in almost 5yrs and it was with someone I really really cared about...
Someone I avoided getting with because I didn't want to ruin a longstanding friendship.(despite my having v.strong feelings for her)
Someone who I knew would always be a LDR in even the best of circumstances...(But that was ok with me cos baby steps is where i'm at anyway)
I allowed myself to be sucked in to the hope and the dream of what we 'could' have the way way she described it
But knowing her as well as I do I should really have known better than let it happen
Its not that i wanted a commitment.....
Just a little respect...
And she constantly leaves me feeling like I'm a fallback/rescue option.
2nd guessing not just her, but myself too...
And that ain't healthy

Still looking on the brightside, the one thing thats come out of all this is that now I know I'm ready to get back out there and meet people
And sure thats good to know....
Now I just gotta find those people