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LTR Dont know what I want

  • 03-01-2012 2:06pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So I broke up with my Long Term Girlfried of 6 years about 8 months ago. She broke up with me however has since changed her heart and now wants me back for the last 5 months or so. I have not accepted. There was never any big arguements or anything like that

    I have not accepted as after the initial heartbreak i could see that there were a lot of things wrong in our relationship. I was happily enough going out enjoying been single for the last few months meeting different girls, sleeping around etc thinking i was happy to be free and willing to accept that the relationship was over however we recently met again for a chat and i have began to think that perhaps i do want to give it another go as im happy with her however i must admit that i do still have doubts that are preventing me, I have been throwing some of these honest thoughts around in my head but i cant seem to arrive at a decision.

    Pro
    I love her 100%
    Get on brilliant
    am attracted to her
    Find her funny
    she has a good job
    could see myself being married to her
    could see her being a wonderful mother
    can spend hours in her company at total ease
    i dont like the feeling of her meeting someone else and moving on
    I havent come near meeting someone that safisfys as many bits of my criteria as her


    cons

    Im attacted to other girls who i find prettier (I dont liek to admit that but its probably the biggest con)
    the thought of getting back and then not been with anyone else again disinterests me
    Ive cheated on her before and dont want to again so i want to be completely content with my decision
    I want to change aspects of her
    Sometimes i think i can do better
    I like the idea of meeting new people and i feel in a realtionship this is harder to do

    Thanks for reading and please if anyone can give me some advice and make sense of these ramblins please comment


Comments

  • #2
    BuyingorSelling
    Closed Accounts Posts: 98 ✭✭BuyingorSelling


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    I think the pros and cons say a lot.

    The pros are that she is suitable wife/mother material and would stop you being alone. There is comfort in stability.

    The cons, however, say so much more: I'll leave aside the finding other girls more attractive one because everyone (men and women) will meet people when they are in long-term relationships that they find attractive and there is no harm in that. You say you have cheated on her, you don't really want to be with just her forever and therefore could likely cheat again and you want to change the person she is (can you elaborate?).

    Personally, I don't think you should go back to her, but that is just my opinion, ultimately the decision is yours.

    I'm not sure I agree ur pros are strong, con wise there are plenty of people who settle for someone not to their usual standard of looks but they forget about that as their other feelings are more important, besides I also think the importance of looks will lessen over time


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok, I think your pros are pretty strong and so are your cons!

    So rather than debating the up and downs of your pros and cons, let's look at it this way: what life stage are you at? Because very often people (men in particular) will go out with a series of partners who are absolutely 'fine' just as your ex sounds (and there is nothing wrong with 'fine'). Then one day they wanna settle down and do just that. Often if asked, why did you settle with X and not Y? Or why did you settle down age 36 and not 32?... the answer is just 'the time seemed right' - of course the relationship has to be right (read: acceptable), but there was never anything wrong with Y, it comes down to timing and the lifestage you're ready for.

    You can drive yourself nuts with pros and cons. Unless you're in that first nutty flush of love (which doesn't last anyway, sorry) there will always be a long list of pros and cons, even if you're going out with Scarlett Johanson. So in a sense everyone 'settles'. It's what you make of your life together after than point that makes a great relationship.

    So I would look at this in terms of what do you want in your life right now? You've already spent 6 years with this girl, so if you get back together you should be working towards a future. It sounds like you and this girl have a good basis for a fresh start, just be really honest with yourself about whether you want to start building on what you've already established with her or are just chasing familiarity while really you want new adventures.

    Good luck.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am in the exact same boat as you longtermdilemma!! Its nice to hear other peoples opinions.

    My other half and I have been together many years and I almost wish I could just put him on hold until I am ready to commit to a life together. I do not like the thought of not being with him in the future, but right now I would like to do something for me and go out and have fun. I am very confused.

    I feel that I am being selfish by wanting the best of both worlds. It is not that I want to be with other people, I would just like some space for myself for a little while before we committed to each other. My pros and cons are very similar to yours. Although I wouldnt say I could do better because he is a great lad.


  • #5
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    longtermdilema wrote: »
    the thought of getting back and then not been with anyone else again disinterests me
    Ive cheated on her before and dont want to again so i want to be completely content with my decision
    I want to change aspects of her
    Sometimes i think i can do better

    The four cons above say all there is to say. Don't get back with this girl, for her sake as much as yours.


  • #6
    Lola92
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭Lola92


    longtermdilema wrote: »

    cons

    Im attacted to other girls who i find prettier (I dont liek to admit that but its probably the biggest con)
    the thought of getting back and then not been with anyone else again disinterests me
    Ive cheated on her before and dont want to again so i want to be completely content with my decision
    I want to change aspects of her
    Sometimes i think i can do better
    I like the idea of meeting new people and i feel in a realtionship this is harder to do

    Thanks for reading and please if anyone can give me some advice and make sense of these ramblins please comment

    The parts in bold are what really struck me. You cannot love this girl 100% if you want to change her and certainly not if you think you can do better than her. Chances are the reasons you want to get back with her is that she is familiar, you know eachother, it is easier than finding someone new.

    If you love her at all then do not get back with her. This woman deserves better than wasting more than the 6 years she already has with someone who thinks that she is not good enough for him and he could do better. No girl wants to be 'settled' for.


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