dont know were to go

LegacyUser

long time reader first time poster, with all the great coming out stories i thought id share my life with you i think its more i need to write it down more to help myself being honest. Im 25 since i was about 15/16 ive had an idea that i was gay, i used to mess
around with a neighbour when i was that age sexually which really pushed me into questioning my sexuality. since i left school at 18 ive never meet or seen the neighbour again he moved away. I went to college and used to be on gaydar chatting with guys etc but never had courage to meet, until i eventually got the courage and met a guy who was i have to say very genuine,caring and understanding we had some fun nothing serious and after i felt soo dirty and wrong i actually had a shower and deleted my account on gaydar. i left college and got a job and basically since then ive just been working keeping me and
my mind busy on purpose.

i then returned to college after getting fed up working so much and thought it would do me good, well it did i meet some great friends who i am still very close with today, i then met a guy online from my hometown we imediately kicked it off we were so similar it was scary, i got a big smile on my face anytime he text and i looked forward to our nightly chats on msn, but thats were i fu#cked up i sent a generic pic online claiming it was me i had got myself so paranoid and worried that he might know me and out me, when i look back it was so stupid but he got pissed of when i told him the truth and he cut all ties with me, since then ive tried to reconnect
but it gets ignored i cant blame him really, so now i find myself back in the same boat working constantly most of my friends from home have moved away to austriala, canada etc only 1 friend remians who isnt the closet ill be honest and he has just got hitched and is moving away so i dont even have a social escape at the weekend. Oh and i nearly forgot i stupidly drummedup the courage about 4 years ago and told my mother that i was gay, it was met with no you cant be you dont look gay or act gay are you sure, i stormed out and since then it has never come back upin conversation. so i find myself in a very strange situation i hate myself for being gay i constantly question am i, is it a phase, i dont want to meet a guy incase i enjoy it.... i really find myself going in circles.
i put on the bright smile and happy self to others but inside i dont no what to do, sorry for the rant but i really wanted to get it down on paper if that makes sense.

oisindoyle

First of all welcome aboard boards and well done for posting a heartfelt honest post,even though its just a post on a forum ,its a start.
Coming out is different for all for some they just do it and thats that for others they agonise over it for years ,and some live in the closet all their life and are not true to themsleves (or others)

You post is soooo typical of a lot of guys ,so dont fret .

We ALL have had a sexual experience (or more ,,lol) and come home and scrub ourselves til our skin is almost gone!!! Its normal and we all do it ,,,
The generic pic again youi are not alone ,,there are many guys who have done it ,they fact that other other guy now ignored you is a bummer and a pity.
Unfortunately you live and learn ,(but you could give it one more try and send him an e mail and be honest totally with him and if he still ignores ,well you will have to just put it in the past and move on)
Regarding your mum,well by the sounds of things she was caught on the hop when you told her and her reply was (and no offence)a little ignorant .She obviously has this stereotypical image of the camp gay man ,which is alive and well ,but some of us (a lot of us) are far from being camp ,love our football ,drink our pints ,love rock music .In other words gay guys are everywhere and dont fit into the stereotypical image most people think exists.

The fact that you told her you were gay 4 yrs ago ,you can bet your bottom dollar your comment stuck with her and it has and possibly is on her mind ,but for whatever reason (maybe hers the neighbours or yours) perhaps she wants to believe u are straight ? a lot of Mums think being gay is a terrible life (not always the case).

You didnt say what part of the countyr you are in ? I am sure there is "some" type of gay social /bar/club/meet that you could go to and give it a try .
Failing that there are lots of gay sites you could talk on (besides gaydar).
Queerid.com (is good ) and gaire.com
Dont give up ,,,yes at the moment life seems Sh***ty,you've made a start by posting on here .
good for you ,,,
I wish you well

lottpaul

Hi 123,

thanks for sharing your story with everyone here.

It took a lot of time and effort and, as you say, the experience of putting it all down in front of you will in itself have been good.

oisin gives great advice in the reply above and I can't think of anything extra to add atm. Your story is so familiar - half of the posters here could identify with all or parts of it.

So, thanks again, and look forward to hearing more from you soon.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, i feel very relieved as i felt i was the only one with such feelings and thoughts going through my mind, already it has put my mind at rest if only for a while it has purked me up some. I think at this moment i need a friendship someone who i can talk to and has the same outlook as such as myself hard to put into words what im trying to say. i checked out queerid but what a strange site my home county isnt even listed and can you even do a search on it?

floggg

OP I'd suggest having a read through this thread - http://m.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056441007

It's a heart warming example of how quickly your well being can improve when you start to come to terms with this all, as well as having some good advice.

Joining queerid or gaire.com is a good idea - apart from any classifieds, the message boards are great just to be able to talk to and relate to other gay people.

Saying things out loud to another person can often help you gain some perspective and you realise it's often not half as big a deal as you've made it in your head.

As for your mothers reaction, maybe you needed to give her more time to let it sink in. It's often a big shock, especially if you aren't a stereotype. I know most people were surprised when I told them - my housemate was convinced it was an elaborate joke at his expense and only believed me after 30 minutes of explaining and phone calls to three mutual friends to verify.

Once the initial shock wore off he was fine.

Perhaps your mother just hasn't known how to approach it with you since, or maybe doesn't quite want to believe it yet (not necessarily because of prejudice but just because mothers often want what they think is the best life for their kids).

I wonder if you were you to broach the subject again would she be mentally more prepared this time - im sure she's thought about it since.

It might help to talk to somebody about this in real life, be it a trusted friend or maybe another gay person. Things

Davaeo09

Hi OP
Just want to throw my two scents worth out there..
I know it can be hard coming to terms with who you are, but one thing you have to remember is you don't really have a choice.. you like men and that's not going to change. I know this might seem harsh but it's true. You cannot help who you are attracted to.

I really think you need to give your mum another chance. It must have crushed you to have her react the way she did, but right now I think you need her in your life. Ask her can you talk to her, tell her exactly how you feel. How she needs to stop watching tv so much and to look past the stereotype the media are brainwashing people with. There are gay people in all walks of life, guards, military, tradesmen, business etc etc. You are the same person as you always were, but it just so happens that you like men. If she can't accept that no more harm done.. If she does, and is there for you as a mother should be you will be glad to have some one you can sit down and have a chat with.

It sounds as if a part of you has not yet accepted that you are gay, I myself and kind of in the same boat. I am out to a few people who are comfortable with it (friends family) but I still get quiet down about it from time to time.

To cut to the chase, being straight would be easier but we cannot force ourselves to be mate. We are who we are, now lets make the most of it! Life is too short to be selling your self short! Get out, meet people and have fun!

Be safe :pac:

Rick_

OP, what county are you from? If you're in the north it mightn't be listed as I think Queerid is more for people in the Republic (I could be wrong though, maybe someone could clarify).

If you'd like to talk privately or anything feel free to PM me, but you may need to register for the forums first, or if you don't want to register, look at my profile, my contact details are there for you to contact me if you'd like.

oisindoyle

new_poster123 wrote: »

thanks for the replies, i feel very relieved as i felt i was the only one with such feelings and thoughts going through my mind, already it has put my mind at rest if only for a while it has purked me up some. I think at this moment i need a friendship someone who i can talk to and has the same outlook as such as myself hard to put into words what im trying to say. i checked out queerid but what a strange site my home county isnt even listed and can you even do a search on it?

Really glad your mind is at rest even if its just a little.If you want to PM me at all about anything ,please feel free.
As the saying goes ,"dont suffer in silence" an' all that

46w

Hi OP. I dont know if im the right person to give advice but sure here goes any.
Dont worry, you are not alone in your feelings and your mothers reaction isnt uncommon.I only came out to my family a few months ago and thankfully they were great about it, shocked, but very supportive. My cousin had come out a few years previous so i think that kind of cushioned my telling them in a way. Indeed I only came out fully to myself a few years ago.
Its good to talk, even as you say writing it down here is a big help. I think a lot of gay guys get themselves down over it. I know I certainly do anyway at times, and I know others who do too. I know personally I live in rural Ireland and its difficult to say the least here. As a previous poster said "it would be easier if we were straight", however we are who we are and being gay is just a small part of anyones personality, its something we have to deal with. Facing up to and admitting your sexuality to yourself is a big step in helping you to cope with it and feel better about yourself. Personally I think you should talk to your mother again about it. Its obviously worrying you, her reaction. She has had 4 years now to come to terms/think about it. She probably needs some help too in facing upto it. Easier said than done but explain to her that it doesnt change you, its meerly a part of who you are and who you always have been. The fact that she now knows is just another step. You are still the same person you were before you told her. There are plenty of websites she can log onto to get help with in dealing with it too.
PM me if you want.

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for the informative and supportive replies i really wasnt expecting the half of it, i really dont want to bring the whole gay thing back up with my mum as every so often i kick myself for saying it to her and say to myself if i said nothing it would be so much simplier, but alas thats the past so move on i hear you saying, as ye have pointed out the biggest problem is i havent accepted myself even reading over this before i submit it i find it hard to even say the word gay in my head, i know its not going to happen overnight hell its been nearly 10 years so far.... my god thats scary when i think bout it, but im going to take my time with it this time. im not bothered about coming out if i can come out to myself i think personnally i will be a happier person. thanks again for taking time out to reply its really appreciated

Dwn Wth Vwls

Accepting it really is the first step. As you said, it's been 10 years, this is the way things are. You need to break it down into steps, as small as you need.

See if you can write the word gay on a piece of paper, see if you can say it in your head, say it out loud. Then work your way up to "I am gay". If that's too difficult, try "I like guys" or something similar. Eventually you should be able to look yourself in the mirror and say it out loud.

It may seem cheesy or silly, but sometimes you really have to push yourself. You're 25, it's a pretty good time to sort yourself out. Set yourself goals to have made a certain amount of progress by certain dates. Talk to as many people as possible about it, the more you talk about it, the more you'll get comfortable with it.