Bullying - a way to move past the shame

Kimia

I've posted here before about bullying and it was fantastic to read the support from other ladies (and gents). One of the things that really blew my mind was why bullying affects us so deeply as adults.

It's shame. Humiliation. Feeling ashamed of some part of ourselves because that's the part that the bullies seized upon. For me it was my hair colour (I have red hair). It seems to be whatever makes that person slightly different from the grey norm.

What stuck with me for years after the bullying was the shame I felt about my hair and feeling like I was ugly for actually daring to be born with a rare hair colour. Like there was something deeply wrong with me or like I was hideously flawed and disgusting. I never dyed it because it's actually beautiful but it was such a conflict for me because my thing that men/women used to tell me was beautiful was also the thing that I was most ashamed of. So many (boys) used to tell me that it was ugly when I was at school and would humiliate me by pointing, laughing, the usual.

I read an article recently and it has really opened my mind. I have to share it with you - here are some parts I found exceptionally inspiring:

Standards of beauty are arbitrary. Body shame exists only to the extent that our physiques don't match our own beliefs about how we should look.

When I was younger, beautiful (in hindsight) was so boring! You had to be thin and blonde - Pamela Anderson was the 'it' girl of the time (showing my age!!). That was it - anything slightly out of the norm was hideously ugly.

Many have spent years paralyzed by the thought, I feel so humiliated. There must be something wrong with me. Things begin to move the moment they try thinking, I feel so humiliated. Maybe there's something wrong with my beliefs.

If others make you feel ashamed for what you are—your heritage, your sense of what is true for you—you'll find that expressing pride in those same qualities is the road to inner peace.

I feel so great after reading that article - read the full length here. I really feel it will help others as it's helped me. I am going to move into 2012 being proud of who I am. Happy New Year!

Edit: Just realised it's actually past 12 in Ireland (we live abroad) - very cool timing! :pac:

mfceiling

Well done to you OP.

My missus has gorgeous red hair.

Christina Hendricks (mad men) has red hair and ask any man with a pulse what he thinks of her!!

Bully's are weak and really should be pitied.

Btw....Happy New Year!!

baby and crumble

Thanks OP. This is very cool. For a long time I have been kind of ashamed at both my size (I'm big, but my bone structure is such that even if I lose a mountain of weight- which is very difficult cos of a medical thing- I'd still probably 'only' ever get to 1 16/18) and the fact that I don't dress like other women, at all. But in the last year or so I've tried to stop thinking about what people in the street think when they see me, and focus on the fact that I like the way I dress, and I get far more compliments than snarky looks- but it's hard to take that knowledge in sometimes, isn't it?

Here's to 2012 being a year when we can all be proud of who we are, and moreso, proud of what makes us different from everyone else on the street!!! :cool:

ItsAWindUp

Can I just say, as a seventeen year old male, red hair is one of the sexiest features a woman can have! Be proud!:)

LegacyUser

The effects of bullying are quite insidious, sometimes they can remain dormant until adulthood. I always had to put up with comments from friends, family and strangers about my weight. I wasn't so much bullied, rather it was something people would hold over your head in disagreements. You could bet that if I had a disagreement with someone the first thing they would refer to when throwing out insults was my weight.

I didn't really recognise the effects until I went to college and started working. I always avoided confrontation or debates, I told myself it was because I was passive when the truth was that I felt inferior and in my head I was anticipating a reference to my weight. Totally irrational thought I know, and I am constantly self improving and in a better state than I've ever been, but that is the true long term effect of bullying.

I always hear people take the "tough ****" attitude, that you should have the mental strength to get over these things. But to me that is just a convenient way for the bully to absolve themselves of any responsibility. That's the thing I find most reprehensible about unremorseful bullies: they prey on people and break them down, and when they achieve this, somehow they make it out to be the victim's fault for being a "mental weakling".

MsAllybear

glad to see this post.

I was bullied in secondary school, didnt realsied it was bullying at time i guess.
fellas in class, name calling at me personally (story behind it) but it made all class laugh when he did this. and i'd go bright red which of course everyone saw.
teachers never noticed or didnt do anything. no teacher ever said anything to me.

result of this was my confidence went rock bottom , i went from being a hyper 12 year old to quiet girl who didnt say boo to a ghost.

and in first year of school, not good. i had it then in my head that if other boys in my class were put beside me by teacher, they'd be mortified, i felt sorry for them almost .
I was convinced!

With my good good friends i was fine but the clicky ones i was quiet again and couldnt speak to any males At all.
I got better after junior cert but going to college , my friends remarked how quiet i was at start of college and thankfully I sorted myself out.

But i let myself believe there was something wrong with me until i was 19/20.
i.e. early first year in college, a fella (now a friend) from my class was speaking to me on break and although i chatting away to him, i remember in my head thinking "god, he'll be mortified being seen speaking to me"
and this was all started in 1st year in school.

there was one guy in particular i blamed for all this until maybe 2 years ago., terrible but i did. i think i would have got past it only he became good friends with my brother and in turn my family and was invited to every big event, and until couple years ago i would only say "hello" to him.
and this year we ended up working together and are actually friends . I had to really think hard about this , i hated him, i blamed him for every relationship that didnt work out, or my issues with weight etc. (weight comments were from family not him)

then it was only when someone kept mentioning to me about an embarrassing incident i got myself into when i was 14/15 (innocent) and i kept proclaiming Hey, i was only 15, then one day i thought Hold on , He was only 13 and being a teenager too .

strange but it was what got me past this and let me actually speak to this fella.