Getting him into his own room...

Fittle

I feel like I'm admitting something at an AA meeting...my 9yr old sleeps in my bed:(

Brief background - single mother, we lived in a one bed apartment (rented) for years - I bought my own home in 2008 with a second bedroom, but used it for storage at the start. It suited us both that he stayed in my bed at the start..but three years later, I want my own space and need him to sleep in his own, beautiful, room.

I have had a few brief relationships over the years...I'm still single, but that's not because he sleeps in my bed, but of course, it's not helping;)

New Year, and resolutions and so on..how do I finally get him into his own bed - I know this is more MY issue than his..he will quite happily have sleepovers, and have mates stay over where he doesn't want me near him...can someone give me a mantra to get us to a point where I believe that I deserve my own space and he deserves his

January

I've no experience of this, but maybe? at 9 years old you can explain it from a puberty point of view? He'll be getting older, wet dreams, wanting his own privacy etc... Maybe redecorate his room just how he likes it so he's more comfortable in it.

Orion

Just explain that it's time for each of you to have your own space. It might take a while to break it in but it'll get there eventually.

Abi

Fittle wrote: »

I feel like I'm admitting something at an AA meeting...my 9yr old sleeps in my bed:(

Brief background - single mother, we lived in a one bed apartment (rented) for years - I bought my own home in 2008 with a second bedroom, but used it for storage at the start. It suited us both that he stayed in my bed at the start..but three years later, I want my own space and need him to sleep in his own, beautiful, room.

I have had a few brief relationships over the years...I'm still single, but that's not because he sleeps in my bed, but of course, it's not helping;)

New Year, and resolutions and so on..how do I finally get him into his own bed - I know this is more MY issue than his..he will quite happily have sleepovers, and have mates stay over where he doesn't want me near him...can someone give me a mantra to get us to a point where I believe that I deserve my own space and he deserves his

From what I gather fittle, yourself and your boy are very close, and I'm sure you've both enjoyed this closeness and I suppose security together up till now. I guess separating rooms now at this stage might make you feel like you're rejecting him, and he may take it up the wrong way too at first. As the others have said, there are ways and means about it, and I think that coming in from the angle that he's a little man now, and he needs his own space. Ask him if he'd like to add his own touches to the room, like posters etc., maybe (if budget will allow) a little TV in his room, so he can watch cartoons and play games etc?

Help him to want to 'own' the room by allowing him to personalize it. It will be a big transition for you both I'd imagine, but it is the right thing to do.

You need your own space for adult time, just as much as he needs his own space now Fittle

desaparecidos

Just tell him to go sleep in his own room. How hard is that?

Moonbeam

desaparecidos wrote: »

Just tell him to go sleep in his own room. How hard is that?

Please do not post unhelpful replies in the parenting forum.

Fittle

Thanks guys:)

I've done the whole decorating his room bit - even bought him bunks (with couch at the bottom) but they were steel framed and he hated the fact that everytime he slept in them, they squeaked. As it happened, they had been faulty so I was able to exchange them and he now has a single bed. He has all his own posters up, a TV, a cool chair, shelves and so on - it really is a fab room for a 9yr old boy and he spends alot of time in there during the daytime when we're off work/school etc - even brings his mates up etc.

I know this is as much my issue as it is his..you're right Abi, we're very close - perhaps too close - but that has been more because of our situation than anything else. I suppose some tough love is required on my part and I'll have a chat with him today. I know it's not healthy for either of us anymore and am determined with the day thats in it, that things change (although I remember saying this same thing, this day last year:()

Morag

I suggest putting him to bed in his own bed with a hotwater bottled and after that you just have to be hard with him. Same as anything else you have to as a loving and responsible parent and Say No, mean it and keep saying it. Best to do it this week so he adjusts before being back at school.

angeldaisy

My nephew & niece slept in their mums room for years after she became a single parent (over 12 years ago now). My nephew eventually decided he was too old to sleep in his mums bed when he was aged 9 and my niece when she was 11. both would start off in their own beds and then gravitate into mums. my niece still ventures in occasionally - she's 12 now.
The only thing I can suggest is try and make sure he at least goes to sleep in his own room to start with, maybe try one or two days a week at the beginning and give him the option of coming in in the mornings for a cuddle??
It won't be long before he won't want to have any physical contact with you, but you are right to try to remedy things now.

Abi

Fittle wrote: »

Thanks guys:)

I've done the whole decorating his room bit - even bought him bunks (with couch at the bottom) but they were steel framed and he hated the fact that everytime he slept in them, they squeaked. As it happened, they had been faulty so I was able to exchange them and he now has a single bed. He has all his own posters up, a TV, a cool chair, shelves and so on - it really is a fab room for a 9yr old boy and he spends alot of time in there during the daytime when we're off work/school etc - even brings his mates up etc.

I know this is as much my issue as it is his..you're right Abi, we're very close - perhaps too close - but that has been more because of our situation than anything else. I suppose some tough love is required on my part and I'll have a chat with him today. I know it's not healthy for either of us anymore and am determined with the day thats in it, that things change (although I remember saying this same thing, this day last year:()

And nobody could fault you for that Fittle, you're a great mom


My thinking is that you wanted him to feel loved, and secure, and in a way you needed it too. Just because you're parting rooms, doesn't mean the love goes, you're doing it because you're helping to him to understand why he needs his own space. This is better done while you do not have a partner on the scene, or otherwise he would feel he is being rejected.


I was just thinking there, because you said you've already made some changes to the room, but hes not taking the bait yet, would you consider setting up a temporary bed beside his in his new room, then sneaking out when he falls asleep? I think within a matter of about a week or so, you could take the temporary bed out of the room.

Is this a mad idea?

planetX

Hi Fittle - I'm a year ahead of you, so don't feel so bad. My 10 yr old is in my bed. Same as you, I bought the bunks, he sleeps in there with friends on a sleepover, but then back with me. It started from renting awful houses, we got broken into in one, cold in the others. I used to agonize over it, but not now - I encourage him to go spend time in his bed, but if he doesn't want to I figure puberty will hit soon enough...
so now, you have company in your AA meeting:D

Fittle

planetX wrote: »

Hi Fittle - I'm a year ahead of you, so don't feel so bad. My 10 yr old is in my bed. Same as you, I bought the bunks, he sleeps in there with friends on a sleepover, but then back with me. It started from renting awful houses, we got broken into in one, cold in the others. I used to agonize over it, but not now - I encourage him to go spend time in his bed, but if he doesn't want to I figure puberty will hit soon enough...
so now, you have company in your AA meeting:D

Awwww, that's good to hear;)

desaparecidos

Moonbeam wrote: »

Please do not post unhelpful replies in the parenting forum.

It's been the most helpful suggestion in the thread so far.

Orion

No it's arrogant, argumentative, insulting and unhelpful. And if you continue with this and argue with a mod on thread again you may no longer be welcome in this forum.

Rosy Posy

It sounds like you're both feeling ambivalent about sleeping separately. Before you decide to make the move have a look at your feelings on the situation and ask yourself are you moving him out because you feel a social pressure to do so or because you really want to. If it works for both of you and you're happy there's no reason you should have to move him out until you're both ready and then it will happen naturally and easily. I have several friends in the same situation- its more normal than you think, I guess people just don't go shouting in the street about it for fear of being judged.

Fittle

Rosy Posy wrote: »

It sounds like you're both feeling ambivalent about sleeping separately. Before you decide to make the move have a look at your feelings on the situation and ask yourself are you moving him out because you feel a social pressure to do so or because you really want to.

I think the truth is I am feeling the pressure - although nobody has said it to me directly...but then it's only close friends who know he sleeps with me.

I am definitely at a point where I am wanting my own space more and more - he's becoming so much more independent of me in so many other ways over the past year I suppose, and this is the next step. I love to read in bed, but havent read a book at night time in years, because he'd wake up if I turned on the light. There's also that me-time - particularly since I've been off work over XMas - when I wake up and just want to stay in bed and do nothing and turn on the radio etc. The second he wakes, he wants to get up and start his day (we are both morning people, luckily).

So I guess on some level I feel it's the next step for me. We had a good chat about it yesterday and I explained to him about him needing his own space. He agreed with everything I said, went into his own room at bedtime, but within an hour, came into me to ask if he could one more night in my bed..so last night was a disaster..although I'm sure we'll get there sooner or later!

CIARAN_BOYLE

My advice would be to try again tonight but to inform him that your door is open to him if there is something wrong and try to make it so that he doesn't feel abandoned and knows that you are there for him even if you aren't next to him.

Also think about reasons why he might like the company, does it cold in his bed on his own without you, would a hot water bottle be a good idea? It might hurt his masculinity but a teddy bear to cuddle up to.

Try and figure out the underlying cause. It might be something simple like he spends 15 hours a day in his room hanging out reading watching tv and gaming and just wants to spend time elsewhere.

One other thing you might try is to come up with a rule saying that if he can't sleep in his own bed after x hours he can come into you and then really tire him out extra activities ect so that staying awake for a few hours won't be an option

ash23

I'd try to do it now because if you do meet someone then he's being "kicked out" for someone else as opposed to just because it's time.

I moved house a couple of years ago and had my daughter sleep in with me for a while because the house was upside down. But I had trouble then getting her back to her own room. I just had to keep sending her back when she came a-knocking. I explained to her that we both need our own space etc.
It's just a matter of being persistant.
It's a couple of years since I made her go back to her own room and it doesn't seem to have had any lasting affect on her. She likes her room and sleeps soundly.

Morag

Do read at night, so what you want in your own room and make it uncomfortable for him.