Would you emigrate with a sick parent?

cena

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

WIZE

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. It could in the wrong place.

I dont know what you mean with this ( BOLD ) but I would and did

cena

WIZE wrote: »

I dont know what you mean with this ( BOLD ) but I would and did

Did you not feel bad doing it?

Saila

yes, I wouldnt let that stop me, especially if they were dying. most parents want what is best for their kids, and mine would rather I took opportunities that came along than sit around waiting for them to die at home and having us all feel **** about it

Sky King

Yeah. They're going to die at some stage anyway.

WIZE

cena wrote: »

Did you not feel bad doing it?

Its not that i didnt feel bad . My Family where living close to my Parents so I was always informed of the reality of the Illness

+ my Boss allowed me to fly home in times when things didnt look good

Biggins

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

Short version:
For me, jobs can come and go - and come again. My parents can't.
I would stay.

cena

My father has Alzheimer's and I have said to them I would love to leave if I got a job some where else like ny were I have family. But they have said can you really leave your father knowing he isn't well

amacca

I couldn't leave them.............in a sense my parents did everything for me and gave me everything

I couldn't and wouldn't no matter what happened I think.........but then again I am an only child so there would be no one else if it wasn't me

I wouldnt know what would happen if i had already been working in another country and had the job taken before an illness happened......I suppose I would try to get as much time off as possible and quit and move back if it came to it.

different circumstances for different people though.

Biggins

cena wrote: »

My father has Alzheimer's and I have said to them I would love to leave if I got a job some where else like ny were I have family. But they have said can you really leave your father knowing he isn't well

Strip the problem points down to basics.

* If your parent(s) loves you (and you know it), they'd want the best for you and for you to be happy doing that which you desired.

* It might hurt them deeply to see you go but thats a many another sacrifice that good parents often have to make.

* If consider having them in your close life (for richer/poor/sickness/health) higher in value than a job - then I think your mind is already made up to stay.

* If you know they would want you to be happy and realistically are able to gain the goals you seek, they wouldn't want to be a thing in your life that would hold you back. Thats part of the love of a good parent.

* Any good parent would always want you in their lives - for some that means closer physically to home.
This is partly because you will always be their child and always feel somewhat protective towards you, they have a deep love for you and they will always want to know how their loved once are doing and how they can be of further aid to you in your seeking of goals.

* If you can convince them and more so yourself (truthfully mind!) that your going and can REALLY be able to get the job you want - in the same time that might be left in their lives - then you have a tough decision.

pragmatic1

If they were on their own, not a chance. Family first. If other family members were still their to look after them then its a different story.

googsy

I would deffo go for the job, I'm sure your father wouldn't like it if he knew his condition / circumstance held you back in some way from living your life fully... if you don't go for it it may be something you'll regret later in life.... they will find a way of coping with things... people always do.... that's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

dominiquecruz

Maybe a tad idealistic, but I'm surprised at the response; no way would I leave anyone dying in my family for the sake of a job. I'd much rather be on the dole and have the chance to say goodbye to a loved one than up sticks for the sake of my career. Depends on how close you are to your family I guess.

hondasam

If I was an only child no probably not but other than that yes I would.

billyhead

Same as previous poster. Not a hope in hell I would leave the country for any job if one of my parents or indeed any close family member was very ill. My family means everything to me.

the groutch

No chance, they gave up 18+ years of their life to raise me, I wouldnt abandon them when they need me.

My name is URL

It depends on many things.. there's no way I could even answer the question.

Chuck was taken

I've done that before. Went to France to work while my Dad was pretty ill. I sent home most of my money though

Johnny Foreigner

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

Yes, I would.
You only get one life. Live it. Take every opportunity you are offered. If you don't you will live to regret it, and wonder what might have been?
I emigrated from London 2 years ago against all the good advice of my family and friends. I don't regret it, it was the best thing I ever did in my life.
Take my advice and go for it.

wolf moon

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

I would. Not leaving the country and not getting the job wouldn't cure the parent, would it?

Da Shins Kelly

If I was the only one they had, then no way. I could never turn my back on my parents if they were very ill and leave them with no one. After all they've done and sacrificed for me, the least I could do would be to be there when they need me most.

Pretty Polly

No, i couldn't leave my mother especially since we are such a small and tight knit family. I would just have to hope that another opportunity like that comes up in the future. I'd never forgive myself if she passed while i was away.....ah i don't like the direction this post is going in:(

biko

Probably should go in PI but we'll try here. I've added some info in the title.
First of all, why are you asking us? You need to make your own mind up whether you and your parents think it's worth it.
Even if everyone here said "go" it might still not be right for you. Or vice versa.

Samich

googsy wrote: »

I would deffo go for the job, I'm sure your father wouldn't like it if he knew his condition / circumstance held you back in some way from living your life fully... if you don't go for it it may be something you'll regret later in life.... they will find a way of coping with things... people always do.... that's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

bastard, you have my sig!

steve9859

Samich wrote: »

bastard, you have my sig!

Just because someones family isnt as tight as yours, it doesnt make them a bastard. I'd go too. You have one life and if the opportunity is that good, then take it. I know that both my mum and dad would be devastated if they thought that they had held me back from taking a life changing opportunity. Those opportunities don't come around that much these days. Not everyone's parents would rather their son or daughter hang around on the dole, to be near them, than taking a job

cassid

would have to stay, I know my mother would not cope when it's her time and she would need me. She reared my siblings and I when the dad was off doing his own thing, so I would feel it my duty to be there for her in her time of need.

Each person has to make their own decision, whats right for me, may not be for someone else

Abi

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

No. Not in a million years.

cena

biko wrote: »

Probably should go in PI but we'll try here. I've added some info in the title.
First of all, why are you asking us? You need to make your own mind up whether you and your parents think it's worth it.
Even if everyone here said "go" it might still not be right for you. Or vice versa.

I never asked you to change the title of the thread?

It's just a question I felt asking. Just to see what people have to say and it maybe somthing I may have to do in the new year.

Abi

cena wrote: »

I never asked you to change the title of the thread?

It's just a question I felt asking. Just to see what people have to say and it maybe somthing I may have to do in the new year.

Well then it is a PI, sorry. AH has never been the best place for these types of answers.


If this is your situation, I've answered you honestly - I just couldn't do it.

cena

Abi wrote: »

Well then it is a PI, sorry. AH has never been the best place for these types of answers.


If this is your situation, I've answered you honestly - I just couldn't do it.

Thanks for answering honestly

cena

cena wrote: »

Would you leave the country if you got a job in a different country knowing one of your parents was really ill and knowing that this was a job you really wanted. This could be in the wrong forum

If you are ever in doubt over whether AH is the right forum or not.... not is generally the right option.


To answer your question I think the answer is yes. As a recent parent myself all you want to know is that your child is happy. So I think you have two options..... stay home and be miserable until your parent dies and you are "free"........ or go away... make something of yourself that is happy.... and skype your parent as much as possible and let them see (as often as possible) that you are happy.

Maybe you wont be there when that parent dies.... which will suck for you as I can somewhat directly attest to.... but that parent will have left us having spent days, weeks or even months seeing their child happy. TRust me, you have no greater gift to give.

Samich

Why would a sick parent want to emigrate?

johngalway

No.

carfiosaoorl

If one of my parents was sick and didnt have long to live then I could never leave but with an illness like alzeimers a person could live up to 20 yrs maybe more, so I dont think that would stop me. I hope that doesnt sound cold but you have to live your life too. Good luck with your decision cena, I hope everything works out for you.

Something that hit me after I posted the last post.... have you considered asking the parent in question?

I am only recently a dad myself but I just tried to put myself in the position of your parent and imagine my kid in the position you are in...... and the ONLY thing that horrified me when I did that was the idea that my kid couldnt come and talk to me about it.

supermouse

I have. My mam has quite bad MS amongst other issues and is steadily going downhill. She may end up in a wheelchair in 10 months or 10 days, there's no guessing. But sooner rather than later she will need a full time carer.

Im an only child and a bit of a free spirit, have been travelling since i was 16 and when the opportunity to stay long term on the opposide side of the world came up i jumped at the chance. I work in an industry thats gone down hill in Ireland, i come from a city that is shot and as silly as it sounds Irish weather drains me.

I do think about what would happen if Mammy got sick and I would want to be back in Ireland. But thats another reason why im staying here and applying for my residency next year, as i'd want the choice to come back *after* she passed. (god i sound horrendous right now!!)

Im an only child, my Dad is fit as a fiddle and has been out to see me loads. Mam has came once and was in good form but i could tell it drained her and she ended up in hospital a few weeks after returning. I havent been home yet but im going home this year to surprise her.

I think im waffling now.. but, my advice is to a) ask your parent as another poster said. You'd never know, they may want you to go as my Mammy did. And b) make sure that you're 100% happy with your decision, make sure that if worst came to worst you could come back to Ireland in a jiffy. Most importantly c) never have regrets. They're not worth it.

R.D. aka MR.D

if there is some one to look after them and you can send back money to help out those who are doing the looking after then i would definitely go.

At the end of the day if i was ill i wouldn't want anyone i love to resent me for being a burden.

Pherekydes

As a parent, I'd want my kids to take whatever opportunities came their way. I didn't rear them to spend their lives looking after me when I get ill. They have a life and a right to live it.

looksee

I'm a parent at the other end of the scale and I would not want a child to stay home just because I was ill. At the same time if there were no other relatives or children around I would hope the situation would not arise as I would not like to be entirely alone, but still I would hope that my children would feel free to live their own lives.

It does depend on whether there is a spouse, other relatives, the type of illness,the timescale involved, and the degree of family involvement of the person leaving. it is not a 'one size fits all' situation.

Mike 1972

cena wrote: »

Would you emigrate with a sick parent?

Absofukinloutly

No way would I trust the Irish healthcare "system" with them.

Abi

Pherekydes wrote: »

As a parent, I'd want my kids to take whatever opportunities came their way. I didn't rear them to spend their lives looking after me when I get ill. They have a life and a right to live it.

looksee wrote: »

I'm a parent at the other end of the scale and I would not want a child to stay home just because I was ill. At the same time if there were no other relatives or children around I would hope the situation would not arise as I would not like to be entirely alone, but still I would hope that my children would feel free to live their own lives.

It does depend on whether there is a spouse, other relatives, the type of illness,the timescale involved, and the degree of family involvement of the person leaving. it is not a 'one size fits all' situation.

I can totally understand your views, but I wild horses wouldn't keep me from my parents bedside if they needed me.


In truth though, I think I'd be gutted if the show was on the other foot, and I didn't have my family around me before I went. I dunno. I'm a very family oriented person, if they've ever needed me I've been there with bells on. I'll never change.

Pherekydes

Abi wrote: »

In truth though, I think I'd be gutted if the show was on the other foot, and I didn't have my family around me before I went. I dunno. I'm a very family oriented person, if they've ever needed me I've been there with bells on. I'll never change.

I'm a family oriented person, too. I spend my life running around after them, trying to get them to a point where they are independent. At that point they should go off and live their lives however they see fit.

cena

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

if there is some one to look after them and you can send back money to help out those who are doing the looking after then i would definitely go.

At the end of the day if i was ill i wouldn't want anyone i love to resent me for being a burden.

He is already in a home up in Dublin and been well looked after. All is been paid with his money from the sale of the family home and Any investments he had made. It's all going the ward of court and my self and the two brothers have to sign for stuff all the time. My brothers and mother can go see when ever. We live in Galway so where not that close to see him ever day

p

cena wrote: »

My father has Alzheimer's and I have said to them I would love to leave if I got a job some where else like ny were I have family. But they have said can you really leave your father knowing he isn't well

Who is 'they'. If you mean other family, then it's a difficult situation.

If you've a few brothers and sisters and you're just going to leave them to deal with the situation themselves, that could be quite selfish. I'd be pretty pissed if my sister emigrated knowing she was really screwing me over.

Don't know if that applies to your situation, but important to know that if you're not taking responsibility (that noone wants to have to deal with) - then you're probably putting it on someone else.

p

Pherekydes wrote: »

As a parent, I'd want my kids to take whatever opportunities came their way. I didn't rear them to spend their lives looking after me when I get ill. They have a life and a right to live it.

I did some research in old folks homes and have seen things in there up close and personal. I think this opinion as expressed by you and others in as idealistic as the people who say "definitely stay".

It's easy to say the above, and hopefully it will stay true. If you're 70 though, with serious medical conditions, most of your friends dead, and very few people left to rely on, then the world is a very different place. You may need your child to help you, it may not be a choice any more for a whole variety of reasons.

Firetrap

I've got a terminally ill parent and wild horses wouldn't drag me away. I know neither of my parents would hold it against me if I did emigrate but there's no way I would be able to live with it. I wonder how many people here who say they'd still go have actually got seriously ill parents? It's easy talk. When it lands on your doorstep, it's a different story altogether.

ProudDUB

carfiosaoorl wrote: »

If one of my parents was sick and didnt have long to live then I could never leave but with an illness like alzeimers a person could live up to 20 yrs maybe more, so I dont think that would stop me.

Was going to say the very same thing. A person can have Altzheimers and be very healthy physically and live for decades after their diagnosis. Should their kids never, ever go anywhere or do anything abroad for 10, 15 years, because of their parents condition? I don't think so. That is a recipe for a deeply unhappy and dissatisfied child. Most parents would not want that imo. However, if the illness was something like cancer, that has a beginning, middle and end (be it bad or good) that is probably going to be in the foreseeable future, then no, there is no way that their kids should take off, no matter how great the opportunities are for them overseas.

It really is a tough question. Very, very tough if you are an only child, but it is tough too even if you have siblings who are willing to pick up the care giving slack for you while you are off overseas. Human nature being what it is, it will be hard for them not to resent you, living the high life, surfing every day on Bondi Beach, going to glamourous clubs in New York and London etc etc (even if you are not, and your day to day life is boring as heck) while they are stuck at home wiping Mums bum and doing hospital runs.

It's not just about your relationship with the sick parent that you leave behind. It's about the rest of your family too. Sooner or later your parent will die, and you will be left behind to pick up the pieces of your life. How well can you do that if you have shot your relationships with your siblings all to hell for taking off the way that you did?

Gmol

As a parent of an only child, I would insist they go if I was unwell, I will have lived my life and would be devastated if I became a burden. Of course I would be upset but I would be more upset if he didn't fulfill his potential because of me.

Firetrap

p wrote: »

Who is 'they'. If you mean other family, then it's a difficult situation.

If you've a few brothers and sisters and you're just going to leave them to deal with the situation themselves, that could be quite selfish. I'd be pretty pissed if my sister emigrated knowing she was really screwing me over.

Don't know if that applies to your situation, but important to know that if you're not taking responsibility (that noone wants to have to deal with) - then you're probably putting it on someone else.

I've seen, in more than one family, situations a bit like that. Where you'll have one or two of the kids being really good to their parents but other ones being shockingly selfish. Large families can be great for that. You can hide behind the numbers.

NIMAN

No.

Pherekydes

p wrote: »

I did some research in old folks homes and have seen things in there up close and personal. I think this opinion as expressed by you and others in as idealistic as the people who say "definitely stay".

It's easy to say the above, and hopefully it will stay true. If you're 70 though, with serious medical conditions, most of your friends dead, and very few people left to rely on, then the world is a very different place. You may need your child to help you, it may not be a choice any more for a whole variety of reasons.

I disagree. There are always choices.