Singe Dad's

curiousdada

Here is my tale of problems. About 10 years ago, I met the woman who is now my wife of the past 6 years. I was never in love with her, but thought that I would stick it out in the hope of getting that ‘in love’ feeling. – never happened (hence I’m here)
I tried to break it off a few times prior to getting married, but she pleaded with me, saying that she wouldn’t be able to live without me, so being the softy that I am, I stayed around. Then she plagued me to get married ‘Are you ever going to ask me to marry you, I’m shoving on, if we want children’ she would constantly ask me, and so I did ask her. She said yes. Sugar! I knew I was never in love with her then and it bothered me, but took the ostrich approach and stuck my head in the sand hoping it would go away. It didn’t. We have 2 kids now. I am now beginning to resent the kids, because it is them that’s keeping me at home. I going cracked. I need to get out! I believe that the kids will adapt and learn to live with Mam & Dad living separately. I do not plan to move far from the home.
I am here, as I would like to hear from now separated dad’s and maybe mom’s on the experience. I have no one that I can talk to. I know it would break my wife’s heart, but I also need to think about myself. I am only listening to myself telling myself the stories, so am biased.

cynder

You made your bed now sleep in it.

Its not your kids fault. Talk with your wife, not strangers on the Internet and be prepared to deal with the blow out from the situation.

Go talk with your wife, tell her how you feel, she might agree to a trial separation or marriage counseling. She might surprise you or kick you out or beg you to stay. Dont take it out on the kids and dont forget them when you leave. Your timing is rotten 4 days after xmas and a couple of days before new year....

The only thing you can do is talk to your wife!

good luck

fatmammycat

Seems to me OP, you've been thinking about yourself all along. Feel very sorry for your wife and children I have to say. If you'd not strung your wife along way back when she could have met someone else and been happy. Either leave cleanly or stay and make a proper go of it with the family you have created.

Cavehill Red

I'm a single dad. Sometimes relationships don't work out. Sometimes they should never have continued as long as they did. No one plans to be a single parent.

As a married man, you are automatically your children's guardian. In the event of separation, you would be able to apply to the family courts for access rights or even custody (or shared custody.) You can expect to move out of the family home, and to see a significant drop in your living standards, as you will have to house yourself while also providing maintenance for your children and looking after them when in your care.
And when your children are in your care, that's it. It's just you, no other parent to delegate responsibility to while you grab ten minutes of peace. It's on you, full-time.
Equally, when in the mother's care, it's all on them too, and that can frustrate many women. And if, as in your case, the separation is not sought by the mother, some women can be quite vindictive and the courts will indulge this to a large degree. No court yet jailed a mother for breaching an access agreement, but men have been jailed for withholding maintenance payments.
I wouldn't wish single parenthood on anyone, rewarding though it has been for me. It's easier with a partner. But if you're in a loveless marriage, you owe it to your wife and yourself to do the right thing by both of you, and then to do the right thing by your kids. They're innocent and you must do all you can to alleviate their hurt and concern.

Orion

Moved to Relationship Issues

curiousdada

I, of course have no intention of neglecting my duties and responsibilites as a dad. My kids mean the world to me. Myself and my wife are not getting along. arguments which happen on a regular basis, which can often just flare up and do happen in front of the kids is not good for the kids. I have been keeping this in my belly for a long time and plan to hold out on any sort of move until well after christmas is over. I am fortunate to be in a position financially that I dont have to worry on that sideof things. I want nothing from my wife. I dont want any of the things we have. All I will want is fair time with the kids. I have had some councelling on this, as my head was/is all over the place, but what I really wanted to hear was the experiences that other parents have had while going through the process of separation. A trial sepatation is something that we will, I think go through for a while. this came up, as we have spoken about it, but decided to hold it all together for the kids for christmas. We are going to revisit the prospect in the new year, but for the time being, we are getting along, but in my heart, I have no love.

WhyGoBald

Whether or not you have any wish to reconcile, I recommend that you go to marriage counselling, either together or alone. It will help you work out some of the practicalities in a civilised way and help you reflect on why you took decisions that led to the crisis you are now in, so that you do not repeat them in subsequent relationships. Frankly, some of your sentiments towards your wife and children are not the healthiest, and given that a separation and divorce will inevitably cause disruption, stress and upset, things will not magically improve when you move out. You both have issues to deal with; do it now and try to head off an acrimonious divorce.

gmac102

I am a single mother and i was in a loveless marriage and its better to leave! sure its going to be upsetting and time to adjust but my children are the happiest ive ever seen them cos mammy and daddy are happy


this is the best advise i can give you....

its better to be from a broken home than live in one!


good luck

blue skye

I am seperated a year and a half now & myself & my husband stayed together for the 'sake of the kid's' for about 4 year's - done the councelling (which incidentally didn't work!)

If you feel that the situation you are in is NOT working then get out & make a life for not only you but your wife AND kid's!

Yes my kid's still miss the family unit that we had but they now see there dad on a regular basis & seem to have the best of both world's!

When I look back on them miserable days of us 'enduring one another' I think what a waste of time we made of our lives & our children's lives during that terrible time!

If you want out, tell her NOW! Sit down & talk about the future & try & put some plan's in place for the sake of the kid's.

GOOD LUCK!

nowyouresix

I'm a separated, on the road to divorce woman. My husband never loved me either, but even though it was sooooo hard going through the whole process of separation, I'm happier now than I would ever have been. He had the guts to go. I hated him because he had many affairs etc, but now, as the dust is settled, I can see that he did us all a massive favour. Children are more affected by arguing parents than by one living outside the home. (my opinion). If you have made up your mind, then go. It will be terribly difficult the first year, on you all, and the legalities are always difficult to come to terms with, it's far from easy.

Good luck.

curiousdada

Thank you to everybody for your valuable experiences and advice. It's a tough time, but I wanted to get a glimpse in to the future for everybody. When I have never done this before and there doesn't seem to be anywhere to go to for advice, boards.ie is a great source of relief. We will go to councelling, but its going to be very tough on her to hear me tell my side of the story. I have the choice, do I

1. Walk away and try to find happiness myself
2. stay to make her happy, but misery on myself

I have always tried to do the right thing, but this time I honestly don't know what the right thing is.
Right for me / wrong for her & family or
right for her / wrong for me or
wrong for me/her/family

Aaaaaaaaarrrgggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Don't stay to make her happy, thats ironically a very selfish thing to do, as was staying with her in the first place since you claim never to have loved her. She might be blissfully ignorant about your feelings toward her but it is not fair or decent or kind-hearted of you to prevent your wife from finding real love with someone. I think she probably deserves that, having spent 10 years with a man who does not love her and blames the children for his unhappiness.

Show her this thread and she will most likely make the decision for you and kick you out on your ear.

curiousdada

That would be the easy way out.. if it worked out that way.

Fittle

Everything about your posts scream about you not taking responsibility for your life.

You wanted to leave her before you married her, but she 'pleaded with you' and so you married her.
You stuck your head in the sand and despite the fact that you didn't really love her, nor want children with her, you had two.
You think it will break her heart if you leave...and so on.

How on earth could this woman be happy?
How on earth do you HONESTLY believe that one of your options is to 'Stay and make her happy'?????

Has she got no say in any of this? When or how did you get all of the control in her emotions? Do you seriously believe that you staying in the relationship is making her happy