Am I being ridiculous (contact)

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my bf for about 2 months. When we're together it's all good, I really like him and he really seems to like me. The problem is that he never really seems to want to see me or to be bothered about me in general when I'm not around.

He rarely texts 1st or initiates meeting up. If I text him after 11 there's only a 50/50 chance he'll reply (I was asleep/out with my friends). Even getting a response the next day is not likely. He usually wont text back for 4 or 5 hours, meaning I get about 2 or 3 texts a day. If I ask about him or his day I get a one word answer. I don't think I'd even mind this if we saw each other ofthen but once a week is a bout as good as it gets due to work etc.

I know I should bring it up but I don't want to. I mean I just don't get how he doesn't see this as an issue. That in itself is the main problem. I brought up the fact that we don't see each other very often and he agreed that it needs to change but the no contact thing he's fine with? For instance, I replied to on of his messages on the 23rd, he didn't reply. Didn't text at all on Christmas eve. I was waiting for him to text me merry christmas yesterday but of course he didn't so I text him around 9pm he replied at 11ish, I replied and haven't heard since.

Am I just being ridiculous? I feel like I must be if he doesn't have a problem...It's my 1st relationship but not his (both early 20s) so I know I could be wrong. On time of it being annoying and worrying it's embarrassing when someone asks how he is and I genuinely have no clue.

I'm also worried about bringing it up because if I ever seem the slightest bit insecure about our relationship he gets pissed off and says he doesn't understand how I could feel that way.

The Lovely Muffin

To be honest OP, you need to bring this up and speak to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel.

I know it's easier said than done, but the longer it goes on the more it will eat away at you.

As for not texting you on Christmas Day until you text him on Christmas night, quite frankly, that is disgraceful, not even bothering to send a text to say "merry xmas" it takes a minute, if even that and then taking two hours to reply?!

If I was in a relationship like that I'd really have to think about whether I could continue seeing a guy who (sound like) he doesn't give two hoots about contacting his girlfriend, Christmas day or not.

Don't text him OP, leave it for a couple of days and see if he texts you, if he doesn't, I think you have your answer, even if it's not the one you want.

Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

Firetrap

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

Don't text him OP, leave it for a couple of days and see if he texts you, if he doesn't, I think you have your answer, even if it's not the one you want.

This is what I'd do too. I'm a believer in actions speaking louder than words. He does sound remarkably casual about the whole thing.

Monkey61

Considering you have only been together for 2 months, I think it would be a mistake to make a major issue about this, unless it is actually, for some reason, a deal breaker for you. Do you really want him to feel forced to respond to you within a certain period of time when you send a text? Honestly, nothing will kill a spark quicker.

There is no law that says that you have to be in constant contact with someone you are going out with. If text messages didn't exist, would you expect to be talking on the phone multiple times throughout the day?

2-3 texts a day from him is actually quite a lot. People have very different views on what an appropriate level of contact is. Personally, I would not be a fan of somebody wanting to text constantly throughout the day - it is boring for one thing. And to be honest, asking someone about their day is not a particularly exciting text to get. What do you expect him to say that is longer than one word? - for most people, unless something particularly important or exciting has happened, days don't really vary so much that you would want to be updating someone by text about them.

Just because he isn't texting you constantly doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, or isn't thinking about you - it is nice to miss people, to save up your news until you see them, to look forward to seeing them etc, and you can't really do that if you are receiving texts from them every hour. You ahve said yourself that you have a great time when together, so why not focus on that?

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and due to distance we only get to see eachother at weekends. For the first year, we probably only sent a text every other day, every third day - and never anything like "how are you?", "how's your day?", as stuff like that is just a hassle to reply to. This was new to me, as previous girlfriends had been much more into texting - but it made it quite exciting, it made me look forward to seeing her more. And now 2 years later, my heart still skips a beat a bit when I get a text from her - because I know it will be something lovely/interesting.

Also regarding Christmas day - well why didn't you text him until 9pm? Maybe he was waiting for you to text as he has obviously learned that you text him when you want to, so he probably presumed that if you wanted to be texting him, you would be. It is not his responsibility to say Happy Christmas first.

Or, if you want to speak to him about something...perhaps just call him?

Firetrap

You have a point, monkey, but the OP's also saying that this guy rarely texts first or initiates meeting up. He can take hours and hours to reply. Even accepting that some people just aren't into texting, is that not a bad sign? They're together 2 months and should be dying to see each other.

I think not texting him would be a worthwhile exercise. I liken texting someone who's not all that enthusiastic about you to prodding a sleeping animal. If you keep poking at it, eventually it'll do something.

LegacyUser

Op here thanks for the replies.

But it's not that I expect him to be constantly texting or anything like that at all but I just think that he's acting like it's a huge chore to text me. I don't really like texting myself but I'm interested in him so I do it.

I wouldn't have expected him to text 1st on Christmas (it would have been nice but not expected) if it hadn't been for the fact he never replied the last time I tried to contact him.

We're meeting tonight, although again I'm a bit peeved because I've had to rush and piss off my family in order to get to Dublin in time to see him because he didn't tell me when he was going back to work and, as usual, he stopped replying mid-convo. I really don't understand what he's got against "Can't talk now, see you tomorrow."

I will bring this up and perhaps just suggest that we have a five minute phonecall every day or two instead. But I'm still just worried about him not seeing the problem.

username123

Whats his general attitude to texting? Some people are just less texty than others. When you are with him and he gets a text does he read it immediately and reply or does he read it and then just put his phone away or does he bother reading it at all?

What happens if you dont initiate any contact at all? How is the arrangement made to meet up if you dont push it? If I were you Id test that and see what he does if you dont contact him at all. That will tell you if he is bothered or if you are just wasting your time doing all the running.

I am a friend

I wouldn't be dropping family or friends to rush off to see this guy. Sorry op but he doesn't seem pushed enough to factor you properly into his life so why are you chasing him?

cafecolour

Not to drop the old cliche, but he's just not that into you. Him not initiating contact isn't a big issue in itself IMHO, but his unenthusiastic/lack of response to contact is.

dellas1979

cafecolour wrote: »

Not to drop the old cliche, but he's just not that into you. Him not initiating contact isn't a big issue in itself IMHO, but his unenthusiastic/lack of response to contact is.

That is one very good point!

Firetrap

Op_Here wrote: »

We're meeting tonight, although again I'm a bit peeved because I've had to rush and piss off my family in order to get to Dublin in time to see him because he didn't tell me when he was going back to work and, as usual, he stopped replying mid-convo. I really don't understand what he's got against "Can't talk now, see you tomorrow."

This tells me an awful lot.
1. Why on earth did he keep you in the dark about when he was going back to work?
2. As you said, what's he got against signing off a conversation?
3. You're dropping your family and high-tailing it back to Dublin to see a man who's not been exactly enthusiastic to see his girlfriend. Of course he doesn't have to bother doing any of the running because you're doing it for him.

Magenta

Don't go running to Dublin for him OP.
I would agree with the "he's just not that into you" posts.

My suggestion would be to cool off the texts yourself completely for a few days. Let him do the running. Some people don't realise what they have until they think they might lose it. Let him do the running.

Big Bag of Chips

Whatever about him not being much of a texter, and not contacting you much, if that's just the sort of person he is, then that's ok. Loads of people aren't great at texr communications (me being their leader!)

But this would bother me....

kikope wrote: »

I'm also worried about bringing it up because if I ever seem the slightest bit insecure about our relationship he gets pissed off and says he doesn't understand how I could feel that way

In a relationship you should never, never be worried about raising an issue that bothers you in the relationship. Unless you are so clingy that you follow him around and live in his ear, he should not get pissed off if you say something about your insecurities. Fighting with you about it, is just his way of avoiding talking about it. And if he gets annoyed with you enough times, you'll stop bringing it up, and them he'll never have to address it... everyone's happy (except you!)

To me texting takes too much time. If he's not good at texting/replying... ring him. A quick call means more (to me anyway) than a handful of texts.

If he's going cool on you completely, and you are feeling uneasy about bringing things up, for fear of his reaction, then its not a pleasant relationship to be in.

At that stage, something's got to change....

lace

Hi OP!

As other posters have said - this guy doesn't seem particularly interested and dropping plans with family and rushing to see him probably isn't fair.

Try not to get too hung up on who texts who and when. It will only wreck your head and won't make him text back any faster. Many people just aren't that into texting and calling him may be a better option.

That said, I can understand where you're coming from - it only takes a few seconds to send a text! If he knows that him texting back is important to you then he could at least take those few seconds to do so. Or give you a quick call to arrange plans if he doesn't like all the messages back and forth.

If he doesn't know it's important to you then you need to let him know this is really bothering you. Sit him down and have a talk about how you'd like the relationship to continue as regards texting/calling/making plans/meeting up. Be completely honest with him and encourage him to be honest too. If you can't communicate your feelings openly with this guy then there's no point in carrying on in the relationship.

If he agrees to come to a compromise on the texting/communication then great! If he's an ass about it then you should just dump him and find someone who will make more of an effort.