Another single Christmas

Forever Hopeful

Hey,

Just wondering if others out there feel like me. I'm in my late 30s, been single for a few years now. I finished up work for Christmas and I'm going to spend it again with my family.
I try so hard to be positive, I've been told I'm attractive, I look after myself and work out, good job, nice salary, good friends, my health, haven't suffered any big loss or trauma like some of the sad stories I read on forums here. I have so much to be grateful for but I can't shake off the loneliness of not having someone to spend my life with.
I do a good job of making the most of things but lately I feel like I'll never meet that special person. I seem to attract guys that are already in relationships and I'm tired of falling for unavailable men. Feel like my life is passing me by and I don't know what I can do to increase my chances. I can be shy and take the easy option of staying home.
I don't think I'm the only one but I would love to know that this Christmas is my last one spent as a singleton.

Forever Hopeful

sunflower27 wrote: »

I know how you feel. You just have to keep focusing on the positive things in your life.

You only have to meet one guy, just one.

Sorry, that isn't much help. Do you go out much? Why not get yourself all dolled up and plan a few nights out before Christmas. Plenty of people will be out in the next couple of days

Oh, and happy Christmas

Thanks Sunflower! You're right, it just takes one guy but sometimes I feel how much more disappointment can I handle? I don't mean to sound like I'm having a little pity party for myself (I know I am). Its so easy to hide behind a busy job or family commitments.
I do socialise a good bit. I've treated myself to a nice outfit for Christmas and I am going to do my best to head out and have fun. Been doing this though for 20 years now and would be nice to cuddle up in front of the fire instead.
I feel terrible for having a bit of a whinge when there are people with real problems.
I do feel that bit better throwing it out there.
Happy Christmas to you too!

Owryan

O.P. I think I would prefer to be in your situation this Christmas. I get to spend this year with my kids, the ex ....and her new fella, oh the joys. The things we do for our kids.

Chin up n make the most of spending time with your family

Forever Hopeful

Owryan wrote: »

O.P. I think I would prefer to be in your situation this Christmas. I get to spend this year with my kids, the ex ....and her new fella, oh the joys. The things we do for our kids.

Chin up n make the most of spending time with your family

You see this is why I feel bad for having a moan. I'm sorry you are facing a not so comfortable weekend.
I am looking forward to being off and spending time at home. Thanks for replying

Owryan

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Owryan wrote: »

O.P. I think I would prefer to be in your situation this Christmas. I get to spend this year with my kids, the ex ....and her new fella, oh the joys. The things we do for our kids.

Chin up n make the most of spending time with your family

You see this is why I feel bad for having a moan. I'm sorry you are facing a not so comfortable weekend.
I am looking forward to being off and spending time at home. Thanks for replying

Hey now, its better than not seeing my kids on christmas day so that (and beer) makes it all worthwhile.

Anyway everyone is entitled,to have a good moan every now n then , it gives others a chance to join in lol.

As the song says "christmas time, mistletoe and WHINE" lol

Forever Hopeful

I like it...
I'm trying to prepare for smart a** answers for the inevitable questions of why I am not married or is there any guy in my life?
It gets me down and I feel like a freak but I know I'm not alone.
Just hope Mr Right appears in 2012

Payton

Hi OP, you seem to be a very positive person both in your personal life and work, so don't ever lose that. Other ppl dread the taughts of waking up beside the same person, same routine and that horrible job.
But some day it will happen, don't lose sight of that. There are guys out there looking for exactly what your looking for, just give it time.
As Sunflower says glam up and hit the town, show the world what they are missing. Are you in any clubs/hobbies?
You don't find love......love finds you.

Owryan

Dont worry about the smart answers, just enjoy the funny ones lol.

No one who is single is a freak, unless of course you have 2 noses or an ear in the middle of your forehead and if you do, sure at least you know why your single lol.

Forever Hopeful

on the verge wrote: »

Hi OP, you seem to be a very positive person both in your personal life and work. Other ppl dread the taughts of waking up beside the same person, same routine and that horrible job.
But some day it will happen, don't lose sight of that. There are guys out there looking for exactly what your looking for, just give it time.
As Sunflower says glam up and hit the town, show the world what they are missing. Are you in any clubs/hobbies?
You don't find love......love finds you.

I hear you. I guess since I'm on my own, I have a lot of time to think and I've seen my friends and siblings marry and have kids and hear the ups and downs of it all. I've learned to appreciate things more.
I feel like I've made a good effort with singledom that if I met the right guy, I'll be appreciative of it and not whinge (like I'm doing now)
I've often wondered about clubs etc. New year's resolutions etc.
Guys I have attracted ended up being already taken and I just don't understand how someone could stay in a relationship they are not happy in. Ugh... I'll throw away these sour grapes I'm munching on...
Thanks for all the replies guys... it is making me feel a lot better

Payton

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

I like it...
I'm trying to prepare for smart a** answers for the inevitable questions of why I am not married or is there any guy in my life?
It gets me down and I feel like a freak but I know I'm not alone.
Just hope Mr Right appears in 2012

You are answerable to nobody..fact!!! That's one of the good things about being single.
Is there such a thing as Mr Right? LOL

Owryan

Ya dont munch sour grapes and def dont throw them away . Swap em for the bottled variety and not the non alcohol ones either.

Forever Hopeful

on the verge wrote: »

You are answerable to nobody..fact!!! That's one of the good things about being single.
Is there such a thing as Mr Right? LOL

Well maybe that might be part of the problem. I am independent and I seem to have lost a 'softness'... I don't know how to explain it but as much as I crave a relationship, I am very slow to give away too much. the last guy I was involved with told me he couldn't figure me out. I gave nothing away and I thought I was as obvious as a sledgehammer.
I do think though that maybe it might not happen for me. Can't believe I just said that.

Payton

A relationship is a 2 way street, its give and take. Maybe that's something you'll have to work on. Do you put a barrier around yourself when in a relationship? If so he can't climb it, the door needs to be opened. Look upon the next guy as a new YOU, drop your old ways that you might identify as possible hurdles for the guys....its about communication.

Forever Hopeful

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, I am too far the other way. An open book

I suppose you just have to make the most of your life and see what happens. Do get out there in the next few days and have a flirt - if nothing else it is good for the ego.

Anything could happen in the next year. :cool:

Sunflower, there's nothing wrong with being open. The last guy was so full on at the beginning and he freaked me out. As soon as he started to pull back, that's when I fell for him (but he got involved with someone else who was more open!)
Will doll myself up, get out and flirt like a mad thing.
Hope you have a fun time too.

Owryan

Figured I would check in and see if you had cheered up at all

Just remember things can only get better, I should know ;-)

Elmidena

Hi OP,
Sorry I can't tell you for certain it's your last Christmas alone--I'm not into crystal balls as I leave enough streaks whenever I try to clean the windows!--but it's onwards and upwards from here. You've identified a lot of positives in your life, and trust me that's a start! Most people are stuck in the single rut and think that there's so much wrong with them or whatever--the fact is everyone is different. Someone'll come along and surprise you when you least expect it. I don't condone "looking for love" as you can see too much at once that isn't really there, and then get hurt or disappointed as a result. Much better when someone appears out of nowhere and stuns you

Shush with the not having a sob story....you're still upset about something. You don't have to suffer incredibly to be lonely, and so your post is just as welcome as everyone elses...it also shows you you're not alone out there. I'm in a longterm long distance relationship but no hope of moving in together any time soon.... himself is a bit of a commitment phobe that way, but at this point I'm used to not hearing from him when we're not together and though it'd be nice to have a cuddle every night there's not much I can do bar bide my time--and the same goes for you.

You'd be surprised how many single mates I have dreading Christmas, some in 30s, and they are all lovely people as far as I am concerned. I'd much rather all of those friends were alone and enjoying themselves than be with someone that doesn't respect them or treat them right. Spent most of my life single but that was because guys just saw me for sex, current partner is the major exception to the rule and is so different to everyone else I've ever encountered romantically. Heck, could I even use the word "romance" to describe most of my past partners

It's easy to take the hermit lifestyle, but instead of advising going out on the town as others have suggested, why not leave the booze out of it? Some afternoon, pop into a cafe and slurp on a coffee reading the newspaper or something. It'll get you around people without it being invasive or very expensive, and if you don't strike up conversation you can always try again. If you are into any hobbies--knitting, reading, gardening etc, then there's probably clubs nearby that would have meetups every couple of weeks or so at the least. That way you've something in common from the beginning.

It's easy to keep falling for the same type if you keep the same pattern up. I've repeated many mistakes over by being too open and feeling too much too soon etc and I got taken advantage of many a time. I changed my tactic and took a breather for a while of choice and then kept a bit more mystery about me when I did meet someone, but that was more to protect myself than to procure a long relationship. Didn't think I'd get one after years of misfortune, but that guy was nearly four years ago now and I don't look back. Just make sure whatever method you have of going out more/meeting people is in your comfort bubble--that's why I suggest tea and a paper in a cafe or something. If it doesn't work out you still got to relax for a bit and don't have to worry about how you looked or anything, and the less on your mind makes it that much easier the next time, and bit by bit increase your braveness!

Best of luck OP, Merry Christmas

Forever Hopeful

Elmidena wrote: »

Hi OP,
Sorry I can't tell you for certain it's your last Christmas alone--I'm not into crystal balls as I leave enough streaks whenever I try to clean the windows!--but it's onwards and upwards from here. You've identified a lot of positives in your life, and trust me that's a start! Most people are stuck in the single rut and think that there's so much wrong with them or whatever--the fact is everyone is different. Someone'll come along and surprise you when you least expect it. I don't condone "looking for love" as you can see too much at once that isn't really there, and then get hurt or disappointed as a result. Much better when someone appears out of nowhere and stuns you

Shush with the not having a sob story....you're still upset about something. You don't have to suffer incredibly to be lonely, and so your post is just as welcome as everyone elses...it also shows you you're not alone out there. I'm in a longterm long distance relationship but no hope of moving in together any time soon.... himself is a bit of a commitment phobe that way, but at this point I'm used to not hearing from him when we're not together and though it'd be nice to have a cuddle every night there's not much I can do bar bide my time--and the same goes for you.

You'd be surprised how many single mates I have dreading Christmas, some in 30s, and they are all lovely people as far as I am concerned. I'd much rather all of those friends were alone and enjoying themselves than be with someone that doesn't respect them or treat them right. Spent most of my life single but that was because guys just saw me for sex, current partner is the major exception to the rule and is so different to everyone else I've ever encountered romantically. Heck, could I even use the word "romance" to describe most of my past partners

It's easy to take the hermit lifestyle, but instead of advising going out on the town as others have suggested, why not leave the booze out of it? Some afternoon, pop into a cafe and slurp on a coffee reading the newspaper or something. It'll get you around people without it being invasive or very expensive, and if you don't strike up conversation you can always try again. If you are into any hobbies--knitting, reading, gardening etc, then there's probably clubs nearby that would have meetups every couple of weeks or so at the least. That way you've something in common from the beginning.

It's easy to keep falling for the same type if you keep the same pattern up. I've repeated many mistakes over by being too open and feeling too much too soon etc and I got taken advantage of many a time. I changed my tactic and took a breather for a while of choice and then kept a bit more mystery about me when I did meet someone, but that was more to protect myself than to procure a long relationship. Didn't think I'd get one after years of misfortune, but that guy was nearly four years ago now and I don't look back. Just make sure whatever method you have of going out more/meeting people is in your comfort bubble--that's why I suggest tea and a paper in a cafe or something. If it doesn't work out you still got to relax for a bit and don't have to worry about how you looked or anything, and the less on your mind makes it that much easier the next time, and bit by bit increase your braveness!

Best of luck OP, Merry Christmas

Thanks for this Elmidena. I always thought that this was something that just happened. I was forever told, get yourself a good job be financially independent and the rest will take care of itself.
A guy appeared out of nowhere during the year but I got such a fright I pushed him away. I can be an awful wally at times and then kick myself for messing up opportunities. I still see him occasionally (he's with someone else) and I can see myself acting like an idiot now coz I'm mad about him now. Its too late.
This is probably why I dread taking time off work... too much time to think!
Happy Christmas to you and hope things get sorted with your guy in the New Year.

LegacyUser

You last post there struck a cord with me.
Ive been single about 2.5 years now and had the shutters down.
Decided to get back on the dating scene and got such a fright! I met a lovely guy, and panicked/pushed him away - acted like a complete fool. It was down to sheer nerves and lack of self-esteem dating-wise.
So, I decided my plan was to get as much experience as I could to get me used to dating/getting back on the scene. Any opportunity for a date/flirt/kiss whatever, I took it.
As luck turns out, for some unknown reason the guy I fluffed up with wanted to see me again-we dating casually now (if he only knew all the practice Ive put in-I wont ever explain that one).
But I feel more confident and better about myself. One thing though which seems to be an occurance in your posts, you seem to only be interested in them when they are loosing interest in you.

LegacyUser

My sister is 40. I admire her so much because this time last year she was going out with a guy who wasn't right for her. After just a month or so of dating, all pictures had to be up on facebook straight away (so that people could see how well his life was going); he was telling my sister to take folic acid (just in case!); he wanted to go with her on a hen weekend in Cork (FFS!); he hated Ireland; he loved Ireland; he wanted to spend the rest of his life here, then suddenly he wanted to emigrate to Canada with my sister.

Well! My sister finally got sick of all this to-ing and fro-ing, rushing and panicking and broke up with him in March of this year. I was very shocked they broke up because she hadn't been telling me everything that had been going on in the background. It upset her of course that yet another relationship hadn't worked out, but she was dead right to end it because she could see what was coming down the tracks if she didn't end it-a life of unhappiness. She is very happy now, still single, but delighted she didn't fall into the trap of thinking she had to have a man to be happy (because she would've ended up married to him, and married to a life of misery!!). I truly admire her courage for taking a step back and actually realising what it was she herself wanted instead of looking at her married friends and wishing she was like them.

OP, instead of hoping this will be your last Christmas as a singleton, how about wishing it's your last Christmas that you feel there's something missing from your life? Because from where I'm standing, there's nothing missing from your life except your belief in yourself. Make this year the year you actually listen to what you yourself want. Don't look at married friends, relatives etc. Take a step back to find what it is YOU want from life. It's a lovely feeling to realise that YOU are in control of YOUR life, and you can do anything you want!

Peace out

BraziliaNZ

oh things could be a lot worse OP! I'm in the same boat right now. Was dumped 6 months ago having moved country for someone, I've done my best to get on with life, no contact with ex for 4 months I think, and she texted me earlier saying merry xmas and hope things are good. Thanks ex for bringing back up the bad feelings again! I didn't respond though, I really don't know why she sent me that.
As other posters have said you could be in an unhappy relationship or have broken heart. I envy your position

amacca

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

A guy appeared out of nowhere during the year but I got such a fright I pushed him away. I can be an awful wally at times and then kick myself for messing up opportunities.

I'm a guy OP and your first post and that quote up there reminds me of myself believe it or not.

well the bit about being a wally in any event.........I've been single for quite a long time now and nearly always conspire to do something strange or awkward around some girl I fancy and then kick myself afterwards because I am very much not a smooth mover.

Now as I'm possibly the last person that should be giving relationship advice (given what an abject failure at even initiating them) I wont but I will say that the opportunities you think you have messed up may not have been right for you in any event.

I've regretted things I've done in the past (not many of those in fairness...I suffer from apprehension and awkwardness beforehand but not from guilt or shame afterward ) and I've bitterly regretted some things I didn't have the courage to do but in every case when I look back on it afterwards I know it wasn't meant to be....and that fact alone still leaves hope for the future.....so the best of luck to you and I hope it works out.

Forever Hopeful

Thanks for all the replies. They are much appreciated and gave me a lot of food for thought. This Christmas was pretty quiet. I went out last night (first night out) and had fun. It really hit me hard this year and I was off form. I do not know why because I do really try to look at the positive things in life.
I guess I've been single longer than I've ever been in a relationship and it would be nice to experience one. I know everyone says its better to be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship and look at all the good you've going on. I've thought like that, and I've done that but jaysus can I just ask for a nice, emotionally stable, kind, caring man with an acceptable level of baggage? Feel like I'm on the hamster wheel and nothing is changing.
Apologies again for the pity party.

6480

i know the feeling havent been going out with anyone in over 3 years hopefully new year will bring some luck

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. They are much appreciated and gave me a lot of food for thought. This Christmas was pretty quiet. I went out last night (first night out) and had fun. It really hit me hard this year and I was off form. I do not know why because I do really try to look at the positive things in life.
I guess I've been single longer than I've ever been in a relationship and it would be nice to experience one. I know everyone says its better to be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship and look at all the good you've going on. I've thought like that, and I've done that but jaysus can I just ask for a nice, emotionally stable, kind, caring man with an acceptable level of baggage? Feel like I'm on the hamster wheel and nothing is changing.
Apologies again for the pity party.

OP, there is no shame in wanting something as wonderful as a decent relationship, and just because other people have chosen to stay in crappy relationships doesn't make your situation any better or any worse. You have every right to acknowledge your loneliness. Wanting love in your life doesn't make you needy or 'unfinished' as a person; it just means you know the value of love, and that's a healthy thing.
I'm your age and had a few very tough single years in early to mid thirties. I was really proactive about looking for someone, which exposed me to a lot of hurt and disappointment, but I did meet someone and I'm now married. I believe that the more people you date, the greater your chance of hitting it off with one of them, so if I was you I would try going out, internet, dating agencies (don't know much about them but why not?), hobbies, activities, groups... and generally looking really good and being your sweet self. I understand that frenetic dating is not for everyone - as I said, I got hurt quite a bit, cause I exposed myself to arseholes at a time when I was quite vulnerable, but why not approach meeting someone with the same energy you would your career? Ok, so you can't control the outcome, but you might just have some fun along the way. I know quite a few people who 'give up' - consciously or unconsciously - around this age, and you sound like you have lots to offer, so don't be one of them. I hope this is your year!!

Forever Hopeful

jehelka wrote: »

OP, there is no shame in wanting something as wonderful as a decent relationship, and just because other people have chosen to stay in crappy relationships doesn't make your situation any better or any worse. You have every right to acknowledge your loneliness. Wanting love in your life doesn't make you needy or 'unfinished' as a person; it just means you know the value of love, and that's a healthy thing.
I'm your age and had a few very tough single years in early to mid thirties. I was really proactive about looking for someone, which exposed me to a lot of hurt and disappointment, but I did meet someone and I'm now married. I believe that the more people you date, the greater your chance of hitting it off with one of them, so if I was you I would try going out, internet, dating agencies (don't know much about them but why not?), hobbies, activities, groups... and generally looking really good and being your sweet self. I understand that frenetic dating is not for everyone - as I said, I got hurt quite a bit, cause I exposed myself to arseholes at a time when I was quite vulnerable, but why not approach meeting someone with the same energy you would your career? Ok, so you can't control the outcome, but you might just have some fun along the way. I know quite a few people who 'give up' - consciously or unconsciously - around this age, and you sound like you have lots to offer, so don't be one of them. I hope this is your year!!

Thank you! Very sound advice. I've decided this is what I have to do. I tried a dating agency last year and it was quite painful but just got to keep going.
This seems to be the problem that folks can't face the effort involved. Neither can I but nothing will change unless I do something about it. I've plans made for the rest of the holidays so 2012 here I come
Thanks everyone. Happy New Year!

LovelyLottie

OP - i'm in exactly the same boat as you, so you're not alone . Last Christmas i could have written your post, hadn't been in a decent, long relationship in years (in spite of a L-O-T of online dating!), i was so lonely and feeling sorry for myself, and convinced that the only thing that could make me happy was a relationship.

Fast forward one year and i've had 2 relationships - neither have lasted and the last one i wish i'd never gotten into (but that's a story for another thread!) - but my point is that sometimes you feel that a relationship will fix everything (I did), and while it's lovely to be in a relationship, when you're in the frame of mind that you're in at the moment (i am frequently in that frame of mind), you can settle or go for things that maybe aren't the best for you. The first relationship - the guy was lovely but he knew we weren't suited. I didn't want to see it because i just wanted a relationship. The second treated me badly and thankfully in the end i was able to tell him where to go but i'm still headwrecked from it and wish i'd ended it sooner.

In the last few weeks i've realised i'm going to take a break from 'searching' for something that can only come to me when i'm content and at peace with myself. It sounds so cliched i know, but it's finally starting to make sense to me. I'm giving the online dating a wide berth for the moment as you need nerves of steel and a very thick skin, and focusing on doing some new things in my freetime, yoga, pilates, spending more time with the people who make me happy.

You should totally try online dating if you feel you want to get out more and meet some guys, and get back into the dating game. Be strong though - it is not for the faint-hearted. As a girl, looking for a relationship, you will find lots of men who are not. But there are some good ones out there too. Best of luck

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

As other posters have said you could be in an unhappy relationship or have broken heart. I envy your position

I really get annoyed by this attitude. Loneliness is a real problem. If you've really experienced true long-term loneliness then you will know the feeling of loss, of emptiness, of disconnection. It's not a case of being on your own for a bit but loneliness is psychologically very damaging. So the pain can be just as bad as a break-up or being in a bad relationship.

So OP acknowledge your feelings and don't feel compelled to trivialise them. Loneliness is a real problem. I really hope you find someone to share your life with. Stay positive.

Forever Hopeful

Lonelythischristmas wrote: »

I really get annoyed by this attitude. Loneliness is a real problem. If you've really experienced true long-term loneliness then you will know the feeling of loss, of emptiness, of disconnection. It's not a case of being on your own for a bit but loneliness is psychologically very damaging. So the pain can be just as bad as a break-up or being in a bad relationship.

So OP acknowledge your feelings and don't feel compelled to trivialise them. Loneliness is a real problem. I really hope you find someone to share your life with. Stay positive.

Thank you for this. You've articulated what I am feeling. I know the sentiment, its better to be on your own than in a bad relationship but I don't want to focus on that. I want to be in a happy relationship and I tired of feeling lonely. I was out twice this Christmas. Most of my friends are now married with kids and I feel like I am missing out on so much. I try to make the best of it but after this Christmas I've had enough. Just going to push harder in the new year.
No one tells you you have to put as much effort into finding a partner as in your career.

LegacyUser

hey, OP. Your post, and the replies struck a chord with me. I found Christmas pretty hard this year, with last night being particularly tough. I was in a house with one other single mate and five couples. And it just seemed to highlight my dilema. I'm a 32 year old guy, and have a longing to be in a committed relationship. My friends are either married, or have emigrated, and it just makes me feel like I'm left behind.

Ive had some pretty tough relationships in the past, but they've taught me I'd never just settle for a relationship just for the sake of it. I did get into a relationship this year which, after a hesitant initial period on my part, I really got into. Right before I got dumped for reasons beyond my control. And that in particular made Christmas tough. I guess what I'm saying is you're not alone. Which can be hard to belive when you feel lonely.

countryliving

hi forever lonely.... i have read all your posts. dont feel alone. i turned 38 before christmas and i was not looking forward to xmas and the new year. a lot of my friends are married and my brother got married. i feel it is almost a social stigma or i am the odd one out being single particularly as everyone keeps saying; oh i cant understand why you are single. yep i emphatise with you - ive had 20 years of donning the glad rags and hitting the scene which is horrendous. i have noticed guys dont chat girls up anymore unless they are sleazy etc..want the one thing. i could write a book. i am always nice polite but exhausted from being hopeful - that i might find the right guy for me! but the lonliness is awful...i understand.
i have a dog and i have to say he takes a lot of the lonliness away - unconditional love. don't feel you are the only one my friend....you are not alone. lots of single ladies in their 30s and wishing we could meet the right guy yet meeting the wrong ones.

Forever Hopeful

countryliving wrote: »

hi forever lonely.... i have read all your posts. dont feel alone. i turned 38 before christmas and i was not looking forward to xmas and the new year. a lot of my friends are married and my brother got married. i feel it is almost a social stigma or i am the odd one out being single particularly as everyone keeps saying; oh i cant understand why you are single. yep i emphatise with you - ive had 20 years of donning the glad rags and hitting the scene which is horrendous. i have noticed guys dont chat girls up anymore unless they are sleazy etc..want the one thing. i could write a book. i am always nice polite but exhausted from being hopeful - that i might find the right guy for me! but the lonliness is awful...i understand.
i have a dog and i have to say he takes a lot of the lonliness away - unconditional love. don't feel you are the only one my friend....you are not alone. lots of single ladies in their 30s and wishing we could meet the right guy yet meeting the wrong ones.

There is some comfort that we are not alone. I know the feeling... Big happy head on, trying to ignore the sleaze and see beyond that. I will say though if we were being truely honest, nothing stays the same. Opportunities present themselves and its how we handle those opportunities makes the difference. I know myself I behave like a complete TWAT but as someone said to me recently 'stop thinking so much'. So my NY resolution is to make sure I have as much fun as possible. I am 39 now and I am going to make sure this year is the best one ever.
I know boards isn't a blog but I would love to be able to fast forward a year from now and post, yeah I met him and he's amazing
When I wake up in the mornings I'm lying there thinking what in the name of God have I been doing for the past 30 odd years but scr*w it, onwards and upwards.
I really hope that everyone who is feeling lonely like me finds happiness this year.

Maple

Conor30, your post has been deleted as it adds nothing to the thread and is ridiculous at best.

Please do not post in this forum in such a manner again.

Maple

Micky 32

IMO and not necessary saying the OP is like this but in my experience of women being single around the 40 mark and complaining about it is that they are too fussy and shallow. They want well built drop dead gorgeous guys ( that they can't get and if they do it's only for one thing) and fail to see through the smoke of a genuinley nice fella...

Conor30

Maple wrote: »

Conor30, your post has been deleted as it adds nothing to the thread and is ridiculous at best.

Please do not post in this forum in such a manner again.

Maple

My post was simply posted in the wrong thread in error - obviously, as it had absolutely nothing to do with the content of this thread. These mistakes can very easily happen. Thank you for the heavy-handed retort. If you have an issue with me, I'd appreciate an PM. Thank you.

Taltos

Conor30

if you have an issue with a mod action take it to PM, posting on thread pulls the thread further off topic and is a further breach of our charter.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Micky 32 wrote: »

IMO and not necessary saying the OP is like this but in my experience of women being single around the 40 mark and complaining about it is that they are too fussy and shallow. They want well built drop dead gorgeous guys ( that they can't get and if they do it's only for one thing) and fail to see through the smoke of a genuinley nice fella...

But what's the alternative? Physical attraction needs to be there. If it isn't, and you 'force' an attraction it just ends in misery for everyone, at a time in life when people don't have as much time to start over.

There is a huge problem in Ireland with people entering middle age single and childless when they don't want to be. It's cultural. Society no longer really approves of people settling down early, as there has been so much pressure to own property, have a career, find a 'perfect' partner, 'road test' a relationship for years without real commitment or moving forward, then there's long engagements that often loose momentum... then for those who find themselves single and thirty something, the dating scene is awkward and alcohol fueled.
But people generally hook up with others as attractive as themselves, not much more, not much less. That's just human nature. You can't really expect people to go against their nature. The only thing to do is keep trying to meet that partner who is right for you! - and be honest - some people reject potential partners cause they are afraid of rejection, especially after a few tough years on the dating scene.

Micky 32

jehelka wrote: »

But what's the alternative? Physical attraction needs to be there. If it isn't, and you 'force' an attraction it just ends in misery for everyone, at a time in life when people don't have as much time to start over.

Of course physical attraction is important ( even though women won't admit it most of the time) but my observations are that with average looking women around the 40 mark this physical attraction gets out of hand.
They want more perfection physically than personality. You have an average looking woman who seeks a man above average looking. But as we all know that doesn't work. The above average looking man won't be interested in the average looking woman he'll want a woman in his own attractive level. He might be interested in one thing but that's it, it goes round in circles. I know of a few 40+ women and this is the case with them. Also dating sites on the net are flooded with women like this hence why they rarely work too.

BraziliaNZ

Lonelythischristmas wrote: »

I really get annoyed by this attitude. Loneliness is a real problem. If you've really experienced true long-term loneliness then you will know the feeling of loss, of emptiness, of disconnection. It's not a case of being on your own for a bit but loneliness is psychologically very damaging. So the pain can be just as bad as a break-up or being in a bad relationship.

So OP acknowledge your feelings and don't feel compelled to trivialise them. Loneliness is a real problem. I really hope you find someone to share your life with. Stay positive.

Relax. I spent Christmas in London on my own. I didn't even have a Christmas dinner. I was dumped 6 months ago after I moved here for someone.
I think I've had my fair share of bitter pills. I still think it's better to be in her position to be heartbroken or in a bad relationship so at least she has a blank slate that's all I'm saying.

Emme

Micky 32 wrote: »

Of course physical attraction is important ( even though women won't admit it most of the time) but my observations are that with average looking women around the 40 mark this physical attraction gets out of hand.
They want more perfection physically than personality. You have an average looking woman who seeks a man above average looking. But as we all know that doesn't work. The above average looking man won't be interested in the average looking woman he'll want a woman in his own attractive level. He might be interested in one thing but that's it, it goes round in circles. I know of a few 40+ women and this is the case with them. Also dating sites on the net are flooded with women like this hence why they rarely work too.

I turned 40 recently and was wondering if I should knock a few years off my age on a dating site. Micky, you have fully convinced me that I should and I definitely will now.:rolleyes: The attitude towards older women in this country stinks. We are incredibly backward as a society in this regard.

Seriously, looks aren't a major thing for me but personality and intelligence are important. I have given all sorts of guys a chance including one who smelt like he didn't wash from the first date to the fourth date when I dumped him because I would have thrown up otherwise! I am always happy to go Dutch on dates (you'd be amazed at the amount of women my age who aren't) and consider myself low maintenance.

My main problem (I think) is that I'm not a huge drinker. 2 or 3 drinks in a night is my limit. Most Irish guys drink far more than that.

Unfortunately people in Ireland of all ages are emigrating in droves. For every 2 women who emigrate, 3 men emigrate. This is skewing the gender balance in a big way. Taking this into account, I would advise any single woman in Ireland to emigrate if she is free to do so. (1) it will give her a new perspective on life and (2) her chances of finding a single man might be better than if she remained in Ireland.

Also I have noticed that a lot of Irish women aren't willing to date foreign guys. This is a pity because they are missing out. Most of the guys I've dated for more than a month over the last few years were foreign mainly because they were interested in having a conversation rather than knocking back pints all night.

Borat_Sagdiyev

OK first of all I'd like to state that I'm not having a go at anyone here !

I'm a male in a new relationship and all going well. I have known lenghty periods of singledom.

I found that when I went out with the "looking for a girlfriend" mentality, I was absolutely reeking of desperation. People can smell it off you. I gave up on the hunting attitude and it took a while but I eventually found myself a potential.

Once I got rid of the "I'm looking for someone" mentality, I found I was more free to enjoy my night. I therefore appeared more confident / happy in my own company. My nights went from looking for someone to having a laugh with my mates and whoever we met along the way.

Confidence is in my opinion one of the most attractive traits anyone can have, and it's not easy to fake. You need to love yourself before anyone else can. I was of the opinion that if I didn't find someone worth spending my life with then I would be quite content on my own. IMO this needs to be considered as a valid alternative if you are to be successful.

I'm 32. I really REALLY can't stand the games that seem to occur when it comes to dating. I therefore decided to cut all that out. If I was nuts about someone, then I would tell them. I've had a few situations where I came on too strong early alright but now I'm happy out.

I'm not sure setting targets is a good thing either, you may be setting yourself up for a fall. Things like "I'm going to be in a relationship this time next year" or some equivalent doesn't help. It either gets you down when / if it doesn't happen or it forces you into a bad relationship just to meet your goal.

I'm not sure any of that helps, but good look with your search anyway OP.

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Relax. I spent Christmas in London on my own. I didn't even have a Christmas dinner. I was dumped 6 months ago after I moved here for someone.
I think I've had my fair share of bitter pills. I still think it's better to be in her position to be heartbroken or in a bad relationship so at least she has a blank slate that's all I'm saying.

BraziliaNZ, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, but I'm not sure why you are trying to minimize the OP's problems. Of course a break up is excruciatingly painful, but it's also part of the ebb and flow of life. Seeing years go past alone when you don't want to be is a different kind of pain entirely. It feels less like living and more like stagnation. I've no doubt the OP is very comfortable on her own, she's lived like that along time already... that's not the issue here at all.

If you are long term single in this culture it effects every aspect of your life from whether you can buy your own home to whether you have children or grandchildren - yes there are (complicated) ways around these issues and I'm sure the OP is already and expert at independent living - but can you really not see how this is a significant life issue for the OP and so many others?

I agree with Emme, dating foreign is a great way to go - my own husband is foreign! The population is so tiny here and the culture can be very closed. Here older women are scorned; in France they gain mystique with age, for example. My friends in California seem to have no problem meeting people after forty. Maybe that's because it's a cutting edge society - or maybe the outdoorsy lifestyle keeps people fit, active and looking good while people here are reaching for the slippers.
I never really thought about it before, but yes, emigration has to be having a huge effect. If I was single again now I would consider moving abroad.
OP, I would also suggest keeping an open mind towards younger men.

Keep the faith & best of luck!

LegacyUser

Amen to the above.

My Gf is 44 and I'm 31 year old guy. Never been happier.

Good Luck.

I am a friend

Never turn down a night out

LegacyUser

I equate looking for a job with looking for a partner. I'm unemployed right now, but have decided that being unemployed does not define me! Similarly, if I was single I would not let it define me!
There is no harm in wanting to meet someone, and I would support anyone who wants to meet someone. But when looking for a partner starts to DEFINE a person, that's when the problem starts. One of my friends is single, I get on great with her, she's a strong person who loves her life. I know of another girl college who lets her lack of partner define her. I usually avoid her because most of her conversations revolve around 'finding someone'. It's extremely tedious, and I'm sure she would find it extremely tedious if I was constantly giving off an air of 'poor me' just because I don't have a job.

Sorry about the rant, but the self pity really does get tiresome especially when advice has been given.

LovelyLottie

I think the last post is unnecessarily harsh.

Finding a partner in life is not like looking for a job. Real, genuine, head-over-heels love is not something that can be found through focused determination and hard-work alone. Actively looking may help, of course. But many factors come into play, not least your own sense of self-worth and happiness.

OP - you've been given lots of good advice in previous posts. You should read through these posts again, and make a list of 5 things you will do in the next month to kick-start your new life. Force yourself to do them. Things will improve bit by bit if you start to make changes in your life. Good luck.

Forever Hopeful

LovelyLottie wrote: »

I think the last post is unnecessarily harsh.

Finding a partner in life is not like looking for a job. Real, genuine, head-over-heels love is not something that can be found through focused determination and hard-work alone. Actively looking may help, of course. But many factors come into play, not least your own sense of self-worth and happiness.

OP - you've been given lots of good advice in previous posts. You should read through these posts again, and make a list of 5 things you will do in the next month to kick-start your new life. Force yourself to do them. Things will improve bit by bit if you start to make changes in your life. Good luck.

Thank you for this post.
I agree that the previous post was harsh but one of the beauties of being that much older is that I *think* I know myself a lot more and less stressed about the small stuff than when I was younger so that post doesn't phase me.
Thing is, I know I will survive without a relationship but I need to make a living so I don't think you can equate them. I don't prattle on about being single. Most grown up singletons don't. I think I tired myself out from talking about exes, disappointments in my 20s I know its just a waste of time and I'm better off focusing on having a positive outlook.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone, I've a list made and ready to do something different this year. As they say, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is madness

LegacyUser

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Real, genuine, head-over-heels love is not something that can be found through focused determination and hard-work alone. Actively looking may help, of course. But many factors come into play, not least your own sense of self-worth and happiness.

Not being able to find work is no less a worry than not being able to find a partner. We're in the middle of a recession where focused determination and hard work mean very little. Another poster made the point that the OP has little to worry about, and he/she was rounded on for not understanding loneliness. Seeing as the other poster was just giving advice, I think this was totally out of order and further points to the self pity emanating from this thread. It seems not being able to find a partner has cornered the market in 'real problems', and comparing it to anything else is akin to social suicide.

This is beside my original point anyway, which is we can only be defined by external factors in our lives if we allow ourselves to be. I know I certainly don't want to look back on this period in my life when I'm older and my health is failing and rue the time I wasted worrying about getting a job (despite my continuing focused determination and hard work, may I add). As they say, youth is wasted on the young.

LovelyLottie

I would heartily agree that not being able to find a job is no less a worry than not being able to find love. I've been in both situations and neither is fun!

But I don't think this is the place to be ranting about anything really. This thread is one person's attempt to get a hold of their life and sort themselves out.

If i read one of these threads and don't have something positive / constructive to offer to the original poster, i tend not to post. So on that note, i'll sign off

Fluorescence

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Thank you for this post.
I agree that the previous post was harsh but one of the beauties of being that much older is that I *think* I know myself a lot more and less stressed about the small stuff than when I was younger so that post doesn't phase me.
Thing is, I know I will survive without a relationship but I need to make a living so I don't think you can equate them. I don't prattle on about being single. Most grown up singletons don't. I think I tired myself out from talking about exes, disappointments in my 20s I know its just a waste of time and I'm better off focusing on having a positive outlook.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone, I've a list made and ready to do something different this year. As they say, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is madness

I don't have much in the way of advice for you, but I do have a little story.

I have 2 aunts (on different sides of the family) who only met their husbands after they turned 40. They both had children (although one had some difficulty in that regard) and now they're very happy (in fact, a couple of years ago one of them told me that she was glad she never settled down in her 20s when she could, as those relationships wouldn't have worked out for her). So it's not so rare as you might think that you'll find someone.

Take from that what you will