Forever single

LegacyUser

People looking from the outside would view me as a well educated and happy go lucky guy but that is far from the case.

I am 24 year old guy, work for major multinational and live with 3 girls.

I have pretty much no experience with the opposite sex, which really gets me down. The only experience I do have is from when I was still a teenager and it was will you shift/meet my friend or get with a friend of a friend. I havent at much as kissed a girl since I have been in my twenties.

I have had chances to improve on my experience such as I had a good looking girl falling all over me rubbing the inside of my upper upper leg but she was drunk and she was a horrible person (lived with her for a few weeks). Had another one trying to hold my hand and drag me off to a quiet corner but I made a detour to the toilet and stayed there until the coast was clear as I didnt that have balls to say I wasnt interested. Also have had girls ask me to meet/shift their friend while at college but wasnt interested (also it felt very childish) and not that it matters in the slightest I have had my ass grabbed a fair few times on nights out.

I have been told by others that I have good taste in clothes and I keep myself in good shape by hitting the gym a fair bit. But I cannot approach a girl I like on a night out if my life depended on it. All I can do is keep giving them creepy eye contact from across the room. I have no problem going over an talking to a complete stranger once its a he and not a she I like. My main problem [and it is the one thing girls love is] I lack confidence but one of the reasons I lack it is because I tend to stammer, it doesnt happen all the the time as I can go months without stammering once but other times its in every sentence I say.

Leaving a side that major confidence knocker I feel I fancy girls out of my league and its very frustrating as even though I may make eye contact with them I know I will never have the chance of getting with a girl like that.

I moved into a new house with 3 girls (I was the first one in and they followed after me) and I thought great I get to meet all their single friends. Wrong they all have b/f's and none of their friends come around just the b/f.

Like I was over 7000km away from home recently and even though I knew I would never see anyone in the pub I was in at the time again and I still couldnt go over and start talking to girls even though they would have probably loved my accent.

Kinda sad but when I was first starting college I got some protection and I remember seeing the expiry date which was 2012 and I thought by then I would of had a lot more experience by the date but sadly I have same amount since then.

My mates way of getting with girls is to get absolutely hammered which works the treat for them but that wont work for me as I am not a big drinker.

One of the guys I am friends with was much like me (low on confidence) but one night last year he met this one girl and ever since he has been a hit with the ladies. He was seeing a girl for a few months as well and even though I am happy for him I am still very envious of him.

I am a young guy and I feel like I am missing out on a lot of fun and I know when older I will regret being so shy sure I regret missing out on so much since I was 16.

One of my aunts never married and I feel like I am going to end up like her.

What should I do?

mcmacness

Ya wont be alone forever. My ex was alone for seven years and then I came along. He may be alone now, but thats by his choosing. Dont give up hope, you just need to try different ways of meeting people. Why dont ya try a dating site? Thats where we met, its not always weirdo's on them!

eternal

mcmacness wrote: »

Ya wont be alone forever. My ex was alone for seven years and then I came along. He may be alone now, but thats by his choosing. Dont give up hope, you just need to try different ways of meeting people. Why dont ya try a dating site? Thats where we met, its not always weirdo's on them!

im single too.it sucks.however i do believe it wont last forever.chin up

Firetrap

Try not to get stressed about this. The horrible thing is that your stress and anxiety comes across to girls and they'll run a mile. I get the impression too that pubs/nightclubs might not suit you when it comes to meeting girls. That's fair enough. They can be utter hellholes if you're not ultra-confident or hammered out of your skull. Or if you're not the type who is more than happy to go off into a corner with a girl who gropes you. Not everyone is and that would give you brownie points with lots of women.

Maybe you should look into other ways of meeting girls e.g. through friends, through hobbies. It sounds like you're putting some of these girls on a pedestal and you're putting yourself down because you feel you're not good enough. Perhaps you should slow down, stop viewing every girl you meet through the "girlfriend" lens and get to know them as people. As friends. Maybe something might come from that. Or, through these girls you might meet one of their friends who you click with.

cafecolour

As firetrap says above, essentially expand your circle/reach and don't be desperate.

Also, chat with your flatmates (and their boyfriends - it might actually be better to do as a couple). Ask them how they met, tell them (self-effacingly) that you're not good at meeting girls, and ask them for tips on where to meet them. It'll put you on friendlier terms, it may give you some advice, and it'll put it in the back of their heads if they feel like playing matchmaker (which can actually end up being incredibly awkward when friends try to set you up, but that's another thread).

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Try not to get stressed about this. The horrible thing is that your stress and anxiety comes across to girls and they'll run a mile. I get the impression too that pubs/nightclubs might not suit you when it comes to meeting girls. That's fair enough. They can be utter hellholes if you're not ultra-confident or hammered out of your skull. Or if you're not the type who is more than happy to go off into a corner with a girl who gropes you. Not everyone is and that would give you brownie points with lots of women.

Maybe you should look into other ways of meeting girls e.g. through friends, through hobbies. It sounds like you're putting some of these girls on a pedestal and you're putting yourself down because you feel you're not good enough. Perhaps you should slow down, stop viewing every girl you meet through the "girlfriend" lens and get to know them as people. As friends. Maybe something might come from that. Or, through these girls you might meet one of their friends who you click with.

I do enjoy nightclubs/pubs but the only reason I do is because there is normally a lot of attractive girls around. Sad I know.

My hobbies all involve sport and I play a lot of football so not much female interaction going on there. I moved away from home to go to college and I moved again for this job so I dont have a lot of mates where I currently am. I havent been "out" in over two months or been "out" where I currently live sure its great for saving money and keeping in shape but not so good socialising.

Yeah I always tend to put girls on pedestals but I find it hard not to do it. There was this one girl in college who I got talking to (friend of a guy I played football with) on a night out and even though I knew she liked me I couldnt go in for the kill as I didnt know what to do. I also kinda bebo/fb stalked her for a few years :O and was heart broken when she started dating this Rugby player type of guy, then I got pi$$ off at myself for being heart broken even though I didnt really know her. Any time I seen her around campus my heart went 90, red face and got very shy. Seriously how bad is that?

Despite working in IT I am not all that keen on internet dating website. Not sure it is I dont want any of my family members to find me on it (my sister is on them as it others cousins) or is it because on a photo you can distort aspects or images dont even look like the said person.

I dont like asking for help as I have it in my head it makes me less of a man.

Randomer.

I could have made the very same post.

I'm not the type to hunt down women for one night stands even if I did have the confidence to do so. Nor am I the type to get with a girl just cause I can when if I don't have feelings for her. That's not fair on her.

Seems to be a problem in this country. If you are not the type of guy who can down 10 pints and chat bollocks to random women in pubs/clubs till one of them eventually lets you take them home : You are screwed.

You are either the guy like that or you are luckily enough that life threw you a chance meeting with a girl that you can click with, either in work or college or school.

I am not that typical pub guy. I always assumed I'd meet someone. Made the decision in my teens that I'd just let life take its natural course and not get too stressed by it. As according to tv I'll find the girl of my dreams naturally. But no. Went through school college and various jobs. Never got a girlfriend. Am now in my mid twenties. Nothing.

We are still stuck in a "man must hunt down women" human mating ritual. Least in Ireland.

Why can't just single people openly meet, get on , grow feelings for each other without all these gender mind games.

Shy people have no place in Irish society.

Shy males must live a life without love.

I reckon there's a tone of guys like us in Ireland. But women and people in relationships just can't understand us. It's extremely depressing.

I always wonder if things would have been different if I went to a mixed school.

Firetrap

Forever Alone wrote: »

I do enjoy nightclubs/pubs but the only reason I do is because there is normally a lot of attractive girls around. Sad I know.

You're probably not the only one who does this. However, being around attractive girls isn't going to help your predicament, is it? You lack the self-confidence to go chat to them and you're probably creeping them out if you're just standing there staring.

My hobbies all involve sport and I play a lot of football so not much female interaction going on there. I moved away from home to go to college and I moved again for this job so I don't have a lot of mates where I currently am. I haven't been "out" in over two months or been "out" where I currently live sure its great for saving money and keeping in shape but not so good socialising.

If you're sporty, how about taking up a sport that involves meeting the opposite sex. Tennis, tag rugby, badminton? I'm sure there are other ones too.

Yeah I always tend to put girls on pedestals but I find it hard not to do it. There was this one girl in college who I got talking to (friend of a guy I played football with) on a night out and even though I knew she liked me I couldn't go in for the kill as I didn't know what to do. I also kinda bebo/fb stalked her for a few years :O and was heart broken when she started dating this Rugby player type of guy, then I got pi$$ off at myself for being heart broken even though I didn't really know her. Any time I seen her around campus my heart went 90, red face and got very shy. Seriously how bad is that?

That's part of your problem. Here's a shock for you. Girls are human beings and have just the same feelings/hopes/fears as blokes. Next time you meet a girl you like, take a chance and arrange some sort of date with her. Even if it's only to go for a walk, help you buying something etc.

Despite working in IT I am not all that keen on internet dating website. Not sure it is I don't want any of my family members to find me on it (my sister is on them as it others cousins) or is it because on a photo you can distort aspects or images don't even look like the said person.

Fair enough. Internet dating is only a suggestion anyway. There are all sorts of different ways to meet people

I don't like asking for help as I have it in my head it makes me less of a man.

Not everyone would agree. Sometimes the most manly thing a man can do is ask for help. Again, it was just a suggestion from the poster in question.

BraziliaNZ

Randomer. wrote: »

Seems to be a problem in this country. If you are not the type of guy who can down 10 pints and chat bollocks to random women in pubs/clubs till one of them eventually lets you take them home : You are screwed.

You are either the guy like that or you are luckily enough that life threw you a chance meeting with a girl that you can click with, either in work or college or school.

We are still stuck in a "man must hunt down women" human mating ritual. Least in Ireland.

Shy people have no place in Irish society.

Shy males must live a life without love.

I reckon there's a tone of guys like us in Ireland. But women and people in relationships just can't understand us. It's extremely depressing.

I always wonder if things would have been different if I went to a mixed school.

I think you'll find women are the same all over the world. No you wont get very far if you're shy, how do you expect to meet women if you're too shy to talk to them? How dare Irish women ignore shy men that wont talk to them!

OP - work on your confidence or something, you're probably a decent catch. Don't knock yourself down, and just remember that you're as good as any of the other guys out there that are getting women. They're not aliens, they're just like you, don't be afraid to talk to them like you would talk to a bloke.

LegacyUser

I hear you OP. I am in my mid 30s so imagine how I feel. Anyone my age and not completely insabe is well taken at this stage. The fact is women in general in Ireland get snapped up, way more than men, and the fact that Ireland is small population wise, it's worse again outside Dublin. Anyone in their 20s is getting out of the country it seems. I go to pubs, and there are people who are 18, and then 40+....

I just feel every year is another year wasted stuck in the same predicament, every year telling myself "it'll be different next year", but never is.

I got the heave ho off a woman at the start of 2008 and have only been with a few women since then, absolutely wasting the prime of my life.

I have often though if I upped sticks and went to a new country and started afresh, would that solve the problem. I don't think it would though....

Like you OP, I am fairly shy around people I don't know, and always have been with women. I have no interest going up and chatting them up from scratch, but I have no women friends, or friends of friends that are single or that I am interested in if they are.
I have tried the interne thing, and it's not for me, there's something not quite right about it for me, just can't make the push to make an effort on it.

I would have thought, OP, that you would be in a good pòsition to meet people working for a big company and living with 3 girls.....? Maybe try and go on a night out with them, or organise a house party, or a dinner, maybe that way they will invite some of their friends?

sharper

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I think you'll find women are the same all over the world. No you wont get very far if you're shy, how do you expect to meet women if you're too shy to talk to them?

You can talk to women all you like but unless you're willing to take on the role of romantic pursuer it's not going to go very far.

How dare Irish women ignore shy men that wont talk to them!

That's a pretty extreme interpretation of shyness - not everyone that's "shy" is cowering in a corner afraid to talk to anyone. They may well be having perfectly nice conversations but aren't able to figure out if they should introduce a romantic element or not and they're afraid of causing offence.

LegacyUser

<snip>lol - last post, not approved.

Okay, tone it down, I get it.<snip>

Basically OP, what turns women on, and should mitigate your feelings of apprehension due to the effective "connective vibe", that basically goes on, is sexuality.

If you can learn to be sexual with women, without being imposing, this will go a long way to improving your confidence with them.

I'm not saying be an all out sleaze ball, but it's just fact.
Sex is appealing.

If you learn to gear your behavior in such a way as to convey sexuality, but in a palatable manner, as I said, it should improve your situation.

Adamantium

Randomer. wrote: »

We are still stuck in a "man must hunt down women" human mating ritual. Least in Ireland.

Why can't just single people openly meet, get on , grow feelings for each other without all these gender mind games.

Its posts like this that annoy me to no end

Its called "human peer bonding dynamics", its been happening the world over for ten of thousands of years and will continue to do long,LONG after you've gone

The whole bloody human race is here because of it:rolleyes:

These interactions, games you would have call them, are the very basis and I would say joy of human living, we all do them to a certain extent

How will you ever meet somebody when all you want to do is label the opposite sex as shallow and yourself as shy?

You don't like loudmouths (i think what people would call extroverts) getting all the girls, fine so

but........

did you ever give yourself permission to be a extrovert, its fun try it, are you too good for it??

If so you, you've being unknowingly dooming yourself for years

WAKE UP

LegacyUser

Adamantium wrote: »

Its posts like this that annoy me to no end
did you ever give yourself permission to be a extrovert, its fun try it, are you too good for it??

If so you, you've being unknowingly dooming yourself for years

WAKE UP

It's not as simple as being to just turn it on out of nowhere if you are shy. It's not easy to do at all. Half the time, it's knowing what to say, that's part of the problem as well. A shy person cannot just go out and gho "hey!!! I'm extrovert"

Feisar

Good clothes, good job, in shape, obviously not hideous if yer getting your ass grabbed.

No confidence. But with enough cop to realize starring at girls is creepy.

Are you confident in other aspects of your life?

I was like you OP till about twenty when I started doing a lot of bar work to pay for college. It made me come out of myself an awful lot. Probably a bit too much. I'm the guy down the pub mowing 10 pints chatting to everyone and the wall at times.

Of the top of my head:

In a pub nightclub, no point in being the nicest hottest whatever if no one notices you. Gotta be moving and shaking, yapping, meeting friends etc.

Cast your net as far as possible, its a numbers game. Internet dating, I haven't tried it but your meeting people who are there to meet someone for the most part.

Someone mentioned Tag Rugby, it seems to be how people meet these days! Form a team at work and enter a league. I know nothing about it but since you'll be the captain/organizer you'll be meeting/chatting/organizing.

Stammer - sort that out if you can.

Don't know what to say - doesn't matter its how you say it! I've said some dumb **** in my time but got away with it, sort of!

Girls coming on to you, don't be afraid to give then the road if your not interested.

General ****e talking abilities - Pop into a quite bar and talk to the barman.

It's Christmas coming up, loads of drinking, eating and parties, you're going to have to make an effort talk to a few girls on nights out. No one is going to drop a leggy blonde on your lap that cooks. You are going to have to get her yourself at the end of the day.

If you do you down the clubs route I'd us it more to widen my horizons rather than zoning in on the girls there. That'll come of badly I'd say. But that's just my opinion.

And lastly I'll ask what have you done in the past month to further your cause?

P.S. I can be full of crap!

Randomer.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I think you'll find women are the same all over the world. No you wont get very far if you're shy, how do you expect to meet women if you're too shy to talk to them? How dare Irish women ignore shy men that wont talk to them!

I dunno about you but I don't think every single human mating ritual across the entire globe involves:

*female waits at bar*
*intoxicated males approach*
*female rejects males until one of favourable looks and bull****ting abilities impresses her*.

Ireland seriously revolves around the bar scene. A scene that only certain personality types revel in. Its far more taboo over here to just ask a girl you like for a date outside of a bar , than it is in the states for example.

I have also heard rumours that apparently its been known for women to ask guys out on a date but since all women are the same I guess those tales were probably just a hoax. Sarcasm aside though. I disagree that all women are the same across the world. But to clarify, I'm not blaming Irish women for anything. This is just the way Irish society currently works.

Adamantium wrote: »

Its posts like this that annoy me to no end

............
did you ever give yourself permission to be a extrovert, its fun try it, are you too good for it??

If so you, you've being unknowingly dooming yourself for years

WAKE UP

Firstly "gender mind games" has varied vastly across all the various cultures and civilisations across the globe for thousands of years. To say the Irish peer bonding dynamic has been the only model since the dawn of man is, just simply. Wrong. At least imo.

Secondly, and your post really shows it :
There really is a serious amount of ignorance towards shy people in this country. We're geared towards the gift of the gab, chat to anyone about any auld bollocks no matter who they are. But always keep it small talk, never anything real , "ah sure that's all depressing like, ah sure it'll be grand. Just be like me of your not like me you are a weirdo." etc etc etc


I don't want to pick your post apart sentence by sentence but it makes a lot of presumptions about me, or rather what I was trying to get across. I think you misunderstood my post. Where you got the idea that I think women are shallow I don't know. What I was trying to get across was this:

In modern Ireland, it can be very difficult for the Irish male to find love. To find love, the Irish male has two scenarios.

Scenario 1: Be lucky enough to be a particular type of person. The extrovert.
The type that revels in the down 10 pints and try it on with any young one in a pub environment etc. I hold no resentment against this personality type. I'm just saying we are not all the same , we can't all be this personality , those of us with other personality types can't just click our fingers and be someone else.

Scenario 2: Crossing paths with someone and hitting it off. You don't have to be the personality in scenario one to meet someone. People meet different people through out life. But Ireland is still a lot more segregated then other countries. But even so. Most males will still meet women in these areas : The area they grow up in and people they hang around with during their teen years. School. College. Work. Here is where everyone else finds someone. A chance encounter in one of these stages.

But what if you grew up in an area with no girls your age. What if you went to a single sex school and all your friends are male. What if you go to study a subject women generally have no interest in and thus meet very few women in college. Now you are in a job, no longer around women of your age. Most are married with kids or in relationships. The years start to feel like months, each birthday more depressing than the last.

None of that matters if you are the Irish personality type in scenario 1. Just go out on the lash and pick up any random chick. But if you are not that type of guy, what then? Nothing. Except ridicule or a complete lack of understanding from those who do fall into the personality type of scenario 1.

There are far more guys that are in this situation then people realise.

& plenty more who don't realise how close they were to being in this situation if it wasn't for that one chance encounter that had in one of those stages in scenario 2.

LegacyUser

Feisar wrote: »

Good clothes, good job, in shape, obviously not hideous if yer getting your ass grabbed.

No confidence. But with enough cop to realize starring at girls is creepy.

Are you confident in other aspects of your life?

Very confident about my ability in sport maybe overly so.

Feisar wrote: »

It's Christmas coming up, loads of drinking, eating and parties, you're going to have to make an effort talk to a few girls on nights out. No one is going to drop a leggy blonde on your lap that cooks. You are going to have to get her yourself at the end of the day.

Ha yeah but the fear of rejection is what stops me in my tracks.

Feisar wrote: »

And lastly I'll ask what have you done in the past month to further your cause?

Not a dam thing but I dont want it to continue and well be forever alone


Another thing I thought I should mention is despite being vastly inexperienced I am still very picky about girls. If I see a girl wearing nothing at all on a night out sure I will enjoy the view but I am turned off by it as IMO they look like an escort. If a girl is taller then me it is an instant turn off.

Once the ice is broken I can talk to a girl its just breaking that ice but I wouldnt be able to go in for the kill so to speak.

Have another story of not being able to seal the deal. I was at a gig last year and met this English girl in the q and got talking to her both of us foreigners in a foreign country and later that night I ended dancing right behind her, we "talked" (loud gig, up the front cudnt really hear each other) but she was pushing back on me ie q for me to go over her shoulder and em do a bit closer talking if you get me but I just couldnt do it. Really frustrating.

Have other storied where I have had girls smile back at me and move to the table right beside me but still I couldnt go over and say Hi.

Adamantium

feelingtheblues wrote: »

It's not as simple as being to just turn it on out of nowhere if you are shy. It's not easy to do at all. Half the time, it's knowing what to say, that's part of the problem as well. A shy person cannot just go out and gho "hey!!! I'm extrovert"

He's got to have value in what he's saying, doesn't matter what it is, we have ALL have something to offer, its just you've got to streamline your way of saying it. You've got to believe in it 2, 100% belief in it too, if you can't believe it, how would she or anybody for that matter?

Coming from a guy who was once considered shy by many of my olf friends, but new ones would hardly know it

LegacyUser

Ok I can relate to this. I was 24 and a virgin. Im 30 now and life for me with women only started at 24. You just need to kick start yourself into gear, get out there, force yourself into uncomfortable and embarrassing situations with women, dont bloody well hide!!!! YOu have to man up. Be confident, even pretend to be if you have to. Girls love confidence. Believe it or not, pretending to be confident, brings you confidence.

I feel I fancy girls out of my league

Thats just crap sorry, you've brainwashed yourself. No one is out of your league, you may think so but its just not true. Believe me, I thought like that in the past but due to life and experiences, I think differently now. I have no problem approaching a very physically attractive girl. And the proof is in the pudding as Im with an amazing girl, both physically and mentally now

Man the time for hiding and shyness is over, get up and meet the girl at the other side of the room. I know you say you dont drink but you dont need drink, you just need to kick yourself over there. For instance I approached a girl in the gym a few months ago when I was single. While all the other guys were busy showing off their muscles, I just went upto her and said "Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself, I'm ****, whats your name?"... and a 15 mins conversation started... No cheesy chat up lines, no sleazy comments, just nice and gentlemanly. She was the one to go all shy even though she was so amazingly attractive...! Granted I didnt get anywhere, she had a boyfriend but it gave me even more confidence in the end. The guys in the gym looked in shock, they didnt have the balls to go up to her while lil old me just went on up and put myself out there and on the line. You just gotta do it, dont think too much about it, infact dont think about it at all.. no "what if" thinking allowed!

You may want to think about joining a drama group or something like that to combat your shyness. It could help you immensely by putting you out of your comfort zone, however is also a great way to meet new girls... you're probably reading that and going "oh god no".. but thats exactly what you need to combat.. the "oh jesus no" thinking. The "i cant do it" thinking!!!!!! Thats the thinking that is stoping you from approaching women. You need to fight that thinking. You can practice other ways too, like go upto a girl in the shops that you think is attractive and ask her the price of something.. anything, does she know where the salt is, what does she think about this sauce etc etc.. just talk to her as a first step. Try it again the next day with someone else, try to keep the conversation a lil longer etc.. work on it. Work on it but feel the comfort that you are not trying anything on, it takes the pressure off you, you're simply asking advice on the sauce etc!!

You will get rejected, absolutely. Get used to it, there is nothing more I can say, its just part of it. Think about it, you see 20 girls infront of you in a club, you are attracted to say 7.. out of those 7, 4 are single, and out of those 4, 2 are open to having a relationship... so out of 20 girls, you have a chance with 2... So nomatter what, no matter how good you think you are, you will always have to deal with rejection, sometimes you will have to deal with rejection many many times but the point is you have to keep at it, stick with it. I myself in the last twelve months Id say have asked 8 or 9 girls out for drinks, a few came out with me but most didnt. Its just the way it goes nomatter how good you look or how good you are, so dont be discouraged when rejection does hit you!

Doc Ruby

Firetrap wrote: »

The horrible thing is that your stress and anxiety comes across to girls and they'll run a mile.

Forget everything else, this right here is what matters. Confidence is the sexiest thing going. Not fiendish fixation, but genuine confidence. And what is that? Its a switch that gets flipped in your head, a mental attitude, a way of looking at life. Practise it in front of the mirror if you like, but when you get that spring in your step, nothing else is important.

LegacyUser

Have to go un reg for this!

OP I am exactly the same!! been in three longish relationships (1 to 2 yrs each) moved away to work in a big firm, extremely busy,weekends & nights in the office, and since then nothing!

I have no interest in talking rubbish with strangers in a night club or pulling for the sake of it. I much prefer getting to know someone and having some craic first!

However then when I do like someone, its like I freeze absolutely terrible!! met a really nice guy out one night chatted for a half an hour then practically ran away.

Another time I really liked a guy in my course, ended up sitting beside him one day, didn't really know him but he started chatting away to me! again I couldn't get away fast enough! Don't know what it is!!

I am petrified of the same thing, I can't see me in a relationship any time soon! Awful thought!

I guess long story short I can't help but I understand!:D

BraziliaNZ

Randomer. wrote: »

I dunno about you but I don't think every single human mating ritual across the entire globe involves:

*female waits at bar*
*intoxicated males approach*
*female rejects males until one of favourable looks and bull****ting abilities impresses her*.

Ireland seriously revolves around the bar scene. A scene that only certain personality types revel in. Its far more taboo over here to just ask a girl you like for a date outside of a bar , than it is in the states for example.

I have been with girls at home through work, college, I went out with someone for 2 years that I met on a bus, for e.g., and I can't think of many times, not since I was maybe 16-21 where I went through the ritual you described above. So maybe you need to open up a bit more. The States isn't quite the dating paradise people think it is either.

ifellover

Dude have u ever read Rob Leung's book Confidence?
Great book

another good book - 'what to say when you talk to yourself'

Really if you want to be successful in life not caring about what people think of you vital. If you do care about what people think of you, your mood and happiness will be outside your control and dependent on other people's thoughts.

I used to be like you OP only several years ago, but I said no, I'm fed up of all that and started to make some changes in life.
Now, I could pee in my pants in public and i would not care.

You should make a few goals for yourself.
In 2012 you should go out every Friday, don't drink (wrong sort of confidence) and aim to approach 350 women for 2012.
They're only girls, they don't bite, (well usually they don't).

If you start approaching girls, you will without a doubt get plenty of rejection, but it only make you stronger, and it has NOTHING to do with you're sense of self.
Always remember to 'STOP MAKING IDENTITY MEANING OUT OF EXTERNAL EVENTS'

Also you need to 'EVICT YOUR INNER WUSSY' I mean show up and kicked it out!

I've a group a friends and all we do on Fridays and all we do is force ourselves no matter how nervous to go and approach women. If you do this and get rejection you'll still have plenty of stories to tell

Feisar

OP I don't know how to break it down into baby steps but you're going to have to grow some balls and speak to some of these women.

What's wrong with a girl in a short skirt/low cut top? I never found it to have anything to do with what they're like as people. Nevertheless if it puts you off that's fair enough.

I reckon you'll have to have few stories in the bag to lash out. This sounds a bit pick up artisty but have a funny gym story, a work story whatever lined up to roll after you say hello.

Talk about whatever sport you play or how you spilled coffee on yourself in a meeting whatever.

If your quite reserved you may come across as dull in a busy bar/club which won't be good. I also predict you may have a few awkward silences the first couple of tries but this ain't going to be easy.

Now not every girl that moves into your vicinity well be interested of course! But throwing a smile and a how-ar-ya-now their direction as you move along won't kill anyone.

Also, when your at the bar say hi to the girl your next to. It won't be a pressure environment as you can head of with the drinks.

Doc Ruby

Feisar wrote: »

Now not every girl that moves into your vicinity well be interested of course!

This is something a lot of guys don't think about, but loads of women in clubs are really not there for the pickup. They could be out for an office party, a birthday party, a hen night, a graduation, or just with some friends or boyfriend, etc.

All of which are situations where they'll want to keep the company of the people they are with rather than some random stranger - in fact it might be frowned upon by work colleagues if they do pull on the night out, no matter how charming you are.

Watch different groups of people and see what they're at before making any moves, and just have a laugh. Tell yourself before going out - I'm going to enjoy the hell out of tonight no matter what happens, and really mean it. It shines through!

LegacyUser

I had written a big reply to all the posts last night but I lost them all bar the last one.

Randomer. wrote: »

I always wonder if things would have been different if I went to a mixed school.

I went to a mixed school as you can see hasnt helped me too much though would not like to have gone to a single sex school.

Firetrap wrote: »

If you're sporty, how about taking up a sport that involves meeting the opposite sex. Tennis, tag rugby, badminton? I'm sure there are other ones too.

Yeah, might look into tennis as I played it when I was younger and tag rugby but I do like the physical aspect of rugby.

Firetrap wrote: »

Not everyone would agree. Sometimes the most manly thing a man can do is ask for help. Again, it was just a suggestion from the poster in question.

Sorry I worded that very badly. What I meant to say was I dont what to ask for help as I dont want people to find out how inexperienced I am thus making me less of a man.

feelingtheblues wrote: »

I just feel every year is another year wasted stuck in the same predicament, every year telling myself "it'll be different next year", but never is.

I do the very same, I kind of imagine of what next year will be like.

feelingtheblues wrote: »

I have often though if I upped sticks and went to a new country and started afresh, would that solve the problem. I don't think it would though....

Believe me I have thought about it but I am afraid that it may be a case of grass is always greener on the other side.

feelingtheblues wrote: »

I would have thought, OP, that you would be in a good pòsition to meet people working for a big company and living with 3 girls.....? Maybe try and go on a night out with them, or organise a house party, or a dinner, maybe that way they will invite some of their friends?

Yeah I can see why you would think so.
Work - my floor/dept pretty much 90% male while other depts are most even. I have my eye on a few girls and they are all from the same dept but I wouldnt have any interaction with them at all. Also Christmas parties are done by depts and not for the whole office.
House - They are all loved up all the time, kinda feel like a 3rd wheel in the house.

Randomer.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I have been with girls at home through work, college, I went out with someone for 2 years that I met on a bus

A scenario like that is absolutely mind blowing to us non alpha males. I can't even wrap my head around it. You saw and attractive girl on the bus and went over and sat beside her with the intention of asking her out? You already just so happened to be sitting beside her? What could you have said to a complete stranger on a bus? What stop you getting off? :eek: Lovely weather we're having?:o What's your sign? :P

I can get chatting to someone who you already having some vague connection with , goes to the same college - school - job. But I find the idea of asking a total strange out on a bus hard to wrap my head around. I simply could not picture ever being able to do such a thing, unless she spoke to me first about something and we some how hit it off. I dunno.

Really paranoid about coming off creepy, freaking her out or pissing her off.

I honestly dunno how a girl would react to being asked out in a public situation.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

The States isn't quite the dating paradise people think it is either.

Ah no I was just comparing it Ireland in that its less taboo over there for people of both genders to ask each other out in situations outside of a bar/club.

I have no interest in talking rubbish with strangers in a night club or pulling for the sake of it. I much prefer getting to know someone and having some craic first!

I know the feeling. It's interesting to hear it from a shy females perspective. As a guy these things always seem so much easier for girls since they don't really have to do much but talk back where as the ball appears to be in the guys court to make a 1st move most of the time.

Dudess

Have perspective OP - you're very young. Doesn't make sense at your age to feel you'll always be single. What about the decades left? Things always change.

Someone said being single sucks - that's just their opinion. It's needy anyway to put huge stock in a relationship. It's lovely to be in one sure, and nothing wrong with wanting one. But don't be obsessed with it - and look for it for the right reasons, not because it's the thing to do or because you are that dependent on another for validation.

You need to work on your confidence first - your self belief.

Maple

MGHOW, your post has been deleted. This thread is not the appropriate platform for your ranting about Irish women.

Maple

Dudess

And for god's sake OP, don't let it eat at you til you become so bitter that you blame all women. As reasonable women get older, they become less concerned with looks - but they'll always be turned off by bitterness.

LegacyUser

Randomer. wrote: »

A scenario like that is absolutely mind blowing to us non alpha males. I can't even wrap my head around it. You saw and attractive girl on the bus and went over and sat beside her with the intention of asking her out? You already just so happened to be sitting beside her? What could you have said to a complete stranger on a bus? What stop you getting off? :eek: Lovely weather we're having?:o What's your sign? :P

Ditto, could never spark up a conversation like that out of the blue never mind doing without some dutch courage.

Dudess wrote: »

Have perspective OP - you're very young. Doesn't make sense at your age to feel you'll always be single. What about the decades left? Things always change.

Someone said being single sucks - that's just their opinion. It's needy anyway to put huge stock in a relationship. It's lovely to be in one sure, and nothing wrong with wanting one. But don't be obsessed with it - and look for it for the right reasons, not because it's the thing to do or because you are that dependent on another for validation.

You need to work on your confidence first - your self belief.

Yes, but at the moment I cannot see how I am going to meet someone as since I started this job/finished college I havent been out very much at all due to the long hours of work and then being in a new city where I still dont know any one after nearly being here a year.

Dudess wrote: »

And for god's sake OP, don't let it eat at you til you become so bitter that you blame all women. As reasonable women get older, they become less concerned with looks - but they'll always be turned off by bitterness.

Cant see me blaming anyone else other then myself.

The only reason I cannot approach a girl is because I know and they know the only reason I am talking to them is because it may lead to something else. Once that factor is removed I am fine like I can approach lads and talk about some random stuff or talk to one of my mates gfs.

When I was in America (friend lives over there) my friends gf (American) asked me while we where in the pub if I liked American girls which I said yes to and she said to me why dont you go over and chat to some of them. Cue me trying to think of every excuse under the sun to not go over.

Feisar

Stephens Night/New Years Eve/New Years Night, three nights out, six hours each. Eighteen hours.

Set yourself a goal to not let those eighteen hours pass without chatting up a girl you find attractive.

Dudess

Going by another negative post here: Don't take it personally if women don't fancy you - it's illogical. Are they supposed to pretend to fancy men they don't fancy? Because that's hardly preferable...