Bromance/Crush

LegacyUser

Hi I'm going unregistered for this for reasons you will see.

I am a guy in my early 30s. I dislike labels but I will define myself for this as bisexual. By that I mean that I have an attraction to both males and females. I prefer girls and want to settle down in a relationship with a girl but I can appreciate an attractive guy and have had plenty of experiences.

About a year and a half ago I met a guy through a project we were both involved in. We got on really well immediately and spent a lot of time together. I would say we had grown pretty close by the end of the project and had become good friends. However, I had developed a bit of a crush on him. He is handsome, caring, kind, charming and an all round great guy. For the first time I found myself saying that I would want a relationship with this guy. This is the first time I have ever considered even wanting a relationship with a guy. I guess I did flirt a little with him but of course the problem is that nothing like that will happen because he is straight. He is one of those guys who is confident in his own sexuality and is not afraid to show affection to friends such as hugging etc. and sharing emotion.

After the project we kept in pretty regular contact with visits to each other, calls etc. We live about a four hour drive away from each other. I really do think the world of him as a really great person and I think he considers me a good friend too - he has told me so. Other people have joked and teased a bit about our "mutual appreciation society" and called us secret lovers.

I just find myself thinking of him all the time. I love the times when we are together, even just hanging out without doing anything special. I look forward to our calls and think about him every day and especially when we have not met or chatted in a while. I'm always sad at our parting. I guess I am a little confused because I know that nothing can ever come of it and wonder if I am just confusing a bromance with other feelings because I have a more fluid sexuality. Sometimes I just think it is great to have a wonderful friend and that what I really miss is the fact that we live so far apart and can't hang out very often. On the other hand I don't think this is a normal reaction for most people and although he considers me a good friend I'm pretty sure he doesn't "miss" me like I do him or think about me when we're apart. He has no problem attracting the girls and I've witnessed him scoring (hate that phrase). I've told him that I have an attraction to both girls and guys which was a big enough deal for me but he is very open-minded and was really cool about it. I will never tell him about having the attraction to him because his friendship means too much to me and I wouldn't want him to back off as a friend for fear of hurting me.

I guess the problem is how to stop thinking about him quite so much. Don't say to cut out seeing him or create distance - I want the friendship and sometimes a few months can go by without seeing him anyway depending on our schedules because of the travel. It is a long time though to still have the crush - especially with someone so unattainable. I think that it may only be when I meet someone else I like that I will stop thinking about him in that way.

Wompa1

If you around him you aren't going to stop feeling the same way about him. If you can control yourself and not doing anything stupid to compromise the friendship and wouldn't be hurting yourself, then I would say just stay the course. Hopefully your feelings will subside. That's all ya can really hope because you wouldn't be willing to cut him out of your life.

Taltos

Another thing is to truely accept that nothing can or ever will happen there.
He see's you and values you as a friend. To him - you are just one of the lads.

Ask yourself if the reason you are focusing on him is maybe also a way of ensuring you don't commit to anyone else? I mean you know he is not into you and you value the friendship so why would you embark on a course of action (longing) that will only result in 2 things.
1. You being sad and alone.
2. Losing the friendship if you do act on it and then can't get over the inevitable rejection.

Hope it works out for you OP - finding good friends is not always easy.

Moon Indigo

I know you really like him but could the attraction be anything to do with the fact that he is unattainable? If you could have him tommorow do you think you would still feel as strong? If you won't give it space then maybe you will just have to take time and get used to having a friendship or nothing at all.

Fentdog84

If you have strong, unrequited feelings for this guy, the best thing to do imo, for both your sakes is to back away from the friendship. Ill tell you why becuase I was in a similiar position before except I was the straight guy who was friends with the gay guy. He was a great guy, company etc and we were very close friends for a number of years going on holidays etc, weekends away, sessions etc. However, as it turned out, it all came to a head one night when he flew into a seemingly jealous rage over a woman I was seeing. It turns out he had very strong feelings for me all along.he just hid it well, like he did most things. i then put 2+2 together and some of the odd things that happened during the course of our friendship(overeagerness to meet up,showering me with gifts/cards etc dissappearing when i met a girl on a night out...I then knew i had to end the friendship which was gutwrenching. I felt betrayed and that our friendship was never really genuine. Im sure it was to a point but at the end of the day we were just on two different planes.

So my advice is if you find yourself into this guy as more than a friend I think you need to distance yourself, because it WILL end up in tears. Sad but true.

BTW I knew he was gay and was cool with that, and he reassured me he wasnt into me, but there you go..

cafecolour

I think you answered your own question in your last paragraph. If you don't want to cut him out (which IMHO if often the best for sanity's sake), then keep yourself busy, get out and meet new people, and meet a new interest (who returns your interest), and this will fade.

Just to confirm though - you have felt this before yes? The can't get him (or presumably her, if it's been mainly women before this) out of your head feeling? If not, and this is your first major crush, it's more difficult.

Liam Byrne

At no stage have you indicated that he's gay, and if he's not then it's a complete non-runner.

If I had really strong feelings for a gay girl I'd be fooling myself to even indulge in considering as even a maybe.

If you can be friends, be friends; if you feel you can't then cut contact for both your sakes.

LegacyUser

Wow OP, I've been living a near identical situation to you for many years. I'm late 30s now and have been deeply in love with my best friend since we were early 20s. I'm bi, though settled in a long term relationship with a woman now. My friend fully accepted me as bi, though he is straight. I'd had such a hard time losing family and long term straight male friends when I admitted I was bi, and this one friend stood by me completely, we became even closer. We shared beds and showers without any problems. He never made it weird for me, he treated me like one of the guys and that's all I wanted.

I had what I thought was a crush for years. He would tease me about it, but still always be there. I admitted to him how I felt I guess hoping he would offer me something in return but he didn't. Instead he married and started a family and it felt like it would destroy me.

I never wanted to just be with 'any' man. I wanted to be with HIM.

We have now what we call a bromance. My gay friends think he's a bad person for 'teasing' me with regular hugs, touching, etc. He tells me he loves me all the time.. But it's not an ego trip for him, or teasing, he's not like that. He's just a very warm huggy person, I'm the one with the stupid crush, though I think it's safe to say after this many years that it is love, deep love, not just a crush.

People told me to cut him out, but I never would. I've learned to accept where I stand, I won't ever be with him, but I'm incredibly lucky to be so loved by my best friend even if it's not quite the level of love I want. I am lucky to have someone I can tell all of my deepest secrets and fears to, and know he will support me throughout, and I think he gets the same from me.

The right thing to do here would be to tell you to cut off contact from this man, but friendships like this are one in a million. You just need to accept that he isn't gay, he won't ever be with you, and making any stupid moves on him when drunk or such will destroy what you have forever [I made those mistakes but was lucky enough that my friend forgave me].

Appreciate him as a FRIEND, and allow yourself to keep on the look for a partner. Hopefully when you do find someone else, it'll take some of the sting out of not being with him, and it'll likely soften the crush also. Good luck OP!

curlzy

fellow bromancer wrote: »

Wow OP, I've been living a near identical situation to you for many years. I'm late 30s now and have been deeply in love with my best friend since we were early 20s. I'm bi, though settled in a long term relationship with a woman now. My friend fully accepted me as bi, though he is straight. I'd had such a hard time losing family and long term straight male friends when I admitted I was bi, and this one friend stood by me completely, we became even closer. We shared beds and showers without any problems. He never made it weird for me, he treated me like one of the guys and that's all I wanted.

I had what I thought was a crush for years. He would tease me about it, but still always be there. I admitted to him how I felt I guess hoping he would offer me something in return but he didn't. Instead he married and started a family and it felt like it would destroy me.

I never wanted to just be with 'any' man. I wanted to be with HIM.

We have now what we call a bromance. My gay friends think he's a bad person for 'teasing' me with regular hugs, touching, etc. He tells me he loves me all the time.. But it's not an ego trip for him, or teasing, he's not like that. He's just a very warm huggy person, I'm the one with the stupid crush, though I think it's safe to say after this many years that it is love, deep love, not just a crush.

People told me to cut him out, but I never would. I've learned to accept where I stand, I won't ever be with him, but I'm incredibly lucky to be so loved by my best friend even if it's not quite the level of love I want. I am lucky to have someone I can tell all of my deepest secrets and fears to, and know he will support me throughout, and I think he gets the same from me.

The right thing to do here would be to tell you to cut off contact from this man, but friendships like this are one in a million. You just need to accept that he isn't gay, he won't ever be with you, and making any stupid moves on him when drunk or such will destroy what you have forever [I made those mistakes but was lucky enough that my friend forgave me].

Appreciate him as a FRIEND, and allow yourself to keep on the look for a partner. Hopefully when you do find someone else, it'll take some of the sting out of not being with him, and it'll likely soften the crush also. Good luck OP!

OP,
Please don't end up like this. That poor woman! If you can't stop loving him and he can't return it then you are better off cutting him out of your life as hard as it may be. The other option is to go on as the poster above has and end up in a relatinship with some poor woman while being in love with someone else. No one deserves that.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

OP,
Please don't end up like this. That poor woman! If you can't stop loving him and he can't return it then you are better off cutting him out of your life as hard as it may be. The other option is to go on as the poster above has and end up in a relatinship with some poor woman while being in love with someone else. No one deserves that.
Best of luck.

Oh, let me be clear, I do very much love my partner too, we're together several years now and have a fantastic time together. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving my best friend. I know people will insinuate that I'm emotionally cheating or something, but I'm not. She knows how close my friend and I are, and sees it as a positive thing. If I was having some kind of affair or crossing lines with my friend, this would be totally wrong, but I am a very respectful and loving partner, I would never cheat on her. But I can't help but still hold the emotional connection to my best friend who will always be a very important part of my life.

I don't recommend that the OP follow down my path, but I think that any crush he does have will lessen hugely if and when he falls in love with someone else. His friend can still be a part of his life, they don't even see each other very regularly. He needs to not allow his crush to prevent him from seeing someone else and falling in love.

CdeC

Hi OP,

It's a normal part of life, you admire this guy and have developed a crush.
It's inevitable. Try and view it as if there was someone who had a crush on you. how would you react. would you want that person to declare their love for you, no as you dont feel the same back.
Keep your friendship with this guy and you will be spending less time around eachother so it should be easier to manage.

A lot of people learn the hardway. once you tell someone you have feelings for them it is hard to go back. They feel awkward about being nice to you as if they are leading you on and then in turn you feel awkward and generally the friendship takes a turn for the worst.

Count yourself lucky you made a good friend and get out and meet someone who will fancy you back.

Liam Byrne

fellow bromancer wrote: »

My friend fully accepted me as bi, though he is straight.


....he treated me like one of the guys and that's all I wanted.

I admitted to him how I felt I guess hoping he would offer me something in return but he didn't. Instead he married and started a family and it felt like it would destroy me.

Too many contradictions there for one post, not to mention the absolute fact that the last part of the first sentence I quoted meant that you hadn't accepted who he is if you kept hoping.

How could he offer you "something in return" if he is straight?

And how does "all you wanted" square with the "hoping" ?

curlzy

fellow bromancer wrote: »

Oh, let me be clear, I do very much love my partner too, we're together several years now and have a fantastic time together. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving my best friend. I know people will insinuate that I'm emotionally cheating or something, but I'm not. She knows how close my friend and I are, and sees it as a positive thing. If I was having some kind of affair or crossing lines with my friend, this would be totally wrong, but I am a very respectful and loving partner, I would never cheat on her. But I can't help but still hold the emotional connection to my best friend who will always be a very important part of my life.

Apologies Fellow Bromancer, I got the impression that she's very much 2nd best because you mentioned her in one small sentence and then went on to describe how deeply and hopelessly in love you are with your best friend. I put myself in her position and imagined how she must feel. But if I have it wrong and she is in fact your number one and that you're madly in love with her then you have my sincere apologies.

LegacyUser

Hi - OP here.

Thanks for the responses guys. I guess I expected a lot of you to tell me to cut contact. I can assure you that I would never do anything stupid like making a move - as some of you said, a really good friend is something special and I wouldn't risk that for a quick thrill.

I think it really is just that I admire this guy so much and see the wonderful person and friend that he is and I have confused that a little because I have the capacity to be attracted to guys as well. If I think about any kind of sexual encounter with him it would just seem wrong which it would be firstly because he is straight and secondly because he is my friend.

It is more his company and hanging out that I miss because it can only be a day or two together every couple of months.