When chatting/texting, Sex talk or no sex talk ..

msg11

When chatting or texting a man/women , I say man/women but I am in my 20's. Anyway, I have texted a number of girls in the past or even talking to them, I would never talk to them about sex, my sexual encounters or there sexual encounters. Apart from one girl, who became my girlfriend, now ex.

Regardless, I just wanted to ask is this normal? Myself personally (now), I don't think so. I think this is the main reason I end up in the friendship circle with these girls, is they must be thinking I am not interested in a sexual relationship and end up seeing me as more of a friend.

Now, I don't talk about it because, I am not interested (infact the opposite). I don't want to come across as desperate and out for one thing or sound like a noisy pheker. I must admit I only noticed this flaw in myself when I was thinking about previous girls I texted/talked too but ended up in the friendship zone when there was an attraction there on both parts.

I was just wondering , am I nuts in the way I am thinking am I totally off the mark, my last relationship was near 2 year ago? (Although I have no been really trying to get into one!) What type of talk is talking about past experiences? Should it be brought up? When is a good time to introduce the talk about sex? Is it a good idea? Better in person or over text or dose not matter ?

It's just one area I lack information in.. Also could be of interest to other posters. All I found on Google was , 'Just ask her for a BJ' type of ****.

minidazzler

I wouldn't talk about my sexual history with someone I was trying to add to that, but it's pretty normal to get sexual talk I would think. I tend to make it blatantly obvious of my intentions, so I generally will mention sex in some ways.

beks101

It is possible to express interest in someone without resorting to sex talk you know. If you're landing in the friendzone every time it's not because you're not discussing sex positions with them all day every day, it's because you're not taking the initiative to ask these girls out quickly enough.

Personally, it's just smutty to me and to be honest I find it a little boring. I'd mostly think the guy only wanted to get laid and most of the times I've been right in that, so it'd hardly be a relationship flag for me. Plus I find it kind of inappropriate when you're at the getting-to-know-someone stage and nothing physical has happened yet.

msg11

beks101 wrote: »

It is possible to express interest in someone without resorting to sex talk you know. If you're landing in the friendzone every time it's not because you're not discussing sex positions with them all day every day, it's because you're not taking the initiative to ask these girls out quickly enough.

From the last two posts I have got a decent answer formed, basically to include some sex talk but not on a 24 hour basis and not during the foundation stages of the relationship.

When you talk about not asking them out quickly enough, can you expand? I wouldn't ask someone out after say a week, could be up too 2/3? Am I leaving it too long? How many times a week should you see a person, I usually go out to someone (if) I am seeing them about once a week then maybe 2-3 times if things got serious. Also what is the normal wait before some form of sexual activity? I would be waiting till say the serious stages, which may be a downfall as some people may enjoy a little fun in the early on stages ? But it comes back to me not wanting to seem like someone only out for one thing.. I do want a relationship also, which maybe some of the girls don't want.

Thanks for the advise people.

thefa

I think you're looking on it too much as though there are rules that you need to follow to get a girl. Like there's a lot of things that vary from girl to girl.

There's girls out there that don't like talking about sex and aren't going to be up for texting about it. It will be off putting if you start telling them what you would you'd love to do to them or querying them about sexual stuff. Try telling her a funny story you heard from a friend or that involved a friend that involved sex in some way and gauge her reaction. Also try to spot opportunities to throw in a little tease about some sexual act like there was this girl i was in touch with before who was doing physiotherapy in college so obviously I had to imply she was good with her hands in other ways and asked whether any lads had ever got a hard on during a rubdown and the conversation progressed..

Again, when to ask them out is something you need to gauge. Like if she's showing obvious interest then there's little point holding off which she will take as a lack of interest on your part(just so long as it's not 5 minutes since you were introduced!). Also when you ask, try not to make it sound like its that important to you like it can't be you're opening line which may sound obvious but you mentioned not wanting to come across as too eager. If she does say no, just play it off and at least you know you gave it a shot rather than weren't sure when to and missed the boat.

If you all really interested in getting to know someone and possibly going out with them, then I'd suggest more than once a week(assuming proximity isn't an issue). How is a girl going to see you as a potential boyfriend if they can't get to know you? If say a first date goes well on a weekend, ask her if she is up for doing some particular activity midweek even if it's just meeting u for a walk even and if ye get on then the visits get more and more frequent.

You'll probably have to take the lead on the initiating anything sexual but just don't have expectations the first time ye go out. Should try something if a chance arises after that, say if ye were kissing in the bedroom. If it's too soon she'll let you know.

beks101

msg11 wrote: »

When you talk about not asking them out quickly enough, can you expand? I wouldn't ask someone out after say a week, could be up too 2/3? Am I leaving it too long? How many times a week should you see a person, I usually go out to someone (if) I am seeing them about once a week then maybe 2-3 times if things got serious. Also what is the normal wait before some form of sexual activity? I would be waiting till say the serious stages, which may be a downfall as some people may enjoy a little fun in the early on stages ?

As the previous poster said, don't over-think this stuff. It's supposed to be fun! In fact over-thinking it could work against you as you'll potentially come across as intense and a bit serious and not all that self-confident. There are no hard and fast rules, it varies from one girl to the next, but I can tell you that all ladies are attracted to confidence. Just a guy who has a general air of conviction about him, isn't afraid to engage in some banter and isn't afraid to be assertive when he wants something. That's taking the full-on sex talk out of the equation.

What's wrong with a bit of good old-fashioned flirting? Good body language - strong eye contact, lots of smiling, frequent (appropriate!) touching - touch her arm, her elbow, her hand when talking to her, find an excuse to move in close (and smell nice!;)), a playful nudge or touch of her lower back - make her laugh, engage her, show interest in her life/hobbies/job etc, playfully tease her. These things will go a hell of a lot further in expressing genuine interest and avoiding the dreaded Friendzone than overtly suggestive sexual comments or casually talking about your turn-ons etc - with that you just run the risk of coming across (:eek:) as creepy to be honest.

And there is no time-frame for asking someone out. Do the above and you'll have at least established a playful element in the friendship, instead of becoming her best buddy and expecting her to know you want more. Don't treat her like one of the lads, don't become her confidante right off the bat. Flirt your socks off! That way asking her out will feel like more of a natural progression of things than this awkward ordeal that seems to her like it has come completely out of the blue.

Neyite

msg11 wrote: »

When you talk about not asking them out quickly enough, can you expand? I wouldn't ask someone out after say a week, could be up too 2/3? Am I leaving it too long? How many times a week should you see a person, I usually go out to someone (if) I am seeing them about once a week then maybe 2-3 times if things got serious. Also what is the normal wait before some form of sexual activity? I would be waiting till say the serious stages, which may be a downfall as some people may enjoy a little fun in the early on stages ? But it comes back to me not wanting to seem like someone only out for one thing.. I do want a relationship also, which maybe some of the girls don't want.

Thanks for the advise people.

You seem to want a rule book, and I think that is where you are going wrong. All women are different, and you need to follow what is happening in the there-and-then rather than leaving them confused and bewildered because it felt like something more but you have blew them off because of some arbitary rule you think you are supposed to follow. If you like someone and want to ask them out, why on earth are you waiting a week? or 2 or 3?? Way too long. Ask them out when you want to ask them out, even if thats the first or second time you meet. Kiss them when you feel you both want to.

Text a girl when you want, (dont do the whole wait 3 days crap) but not obsessively, dont bombard with boring stuff, better to send one humourous text in a day than 10 of the "at work now, going to get my sandwich now" type, and be flirty, not dirty.
Dirty = bit of a perv who is only interested in his hole, flirty = someone who is romantically interested in a woman as a person.
Flirty = You have a beautiful smile, did you know that?
Dirty= You have a sexy smile, I bet you give great head.

The second response would have me hitting delete on your number, the first would make me want to flirt back.

There is no normal wait for sexual activity - we are all different. Some boyfriends I have slept with right away, others it was after weeks or months, some we didnt even get to that stage. You start with a kiss and see where it leads you, where it feels right for both of you.

msg11

Cheers for the advise people, I wouldn't say it is a rule book I am after. More just answers to question I have asked myself in the last few days. As I have been looking at myself as a person, flaws and good points. I do flirt alot and pass alot of compliments to girls in a flirty way and not in a sleezy way sometimes I do it even without the intention of even going out with them, but these girls would be close friends. Maybe I should try this with new people.

I do have one arbitary rule, never go out with a friends ex, I personally think it will end in tears.

As for my waiting so long to ask them out, maybe it's down to me been lazy or the fear of rejection. What if they don't like me in person, without the texting or without the drinks. But yes I do agree, it's an awful long time and it's one of my flaws that I have noted and am going to change it.

Neyite, I am actully the same on the sexual activity, I am not pushy or would be willing to push someone to do so, I have never done it and don't intend to start now(I just though its how people operated! As in within a timeline). But my down fall seems to have been, never to have given hints or pass remarks to get the other person to open up so to speak or so they know I am willing, so they end up thinking that he is not interested in me and that's the end of that after say about 3 months 2/3 times a week seeing each other.

beks101, I am over thinking it at the moment. Usually I go with the flow, I suppose you could say I am after stepping outside myself and having a look back in at how I do things compared to how others do things and seeing if they match up. I will admit I wouldn't be the most self-confident person when it comes to the other sex. I would be confident in other aspects meeting new people without the intention of a relationship just chit chat, but if you where to say to me. Go over to that girl chat her up, I just wouldn't do it. That's been honest. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's been rejected or I don't look at myself as been able to achieve what I have been tasked. (Not that it's ment to be a task, just an example.)

In the second part of your post, them things seem to come natural too me when I do open up and feel like we are getting along, in fact I wouldn't even think twice about doing it as I said just flows and it's not every two seconds either ! Onto the third part of your post, that has happened to me a few times actually, I was turned down. (been told your too good a friend to go out with) As one poster said, it's better to be straight from the start, look back that these rejections, it was actually a bit of a bomb shell I did drop on them. When I eventually suggested dating.

After typing all my posts in the thread it has made me think about what has worked for me and what hasn't worked for me. The non flirting been a nice guy has gotten me in the friendzone, where I have dropped bombs on people when suggesting dating. And the flirting, having the craic guy has gotten me into relationships and in them relationships I never had to ask about sex it just flowed naturally in it's own time. So I have realized I have been trying two different methods which give different outcomes and thinking they both give the same outcome.

I hope people understand what I am saying, cause the posts on this thread have helped me to understand what I have been doing. I have also gotten answers to some questions which did confirm what I had already thought.