Over involved grandparents

lazygal

I am currently expecting our first child. My inlaws have two grandchildren and I think they are very involved with them. I think this is partly because my sister in law calls on them a lot for help and partly because they are both retired and don't have a lot of hobbies outside the grandchildren.

They know all the ins and outs of potty training, sleep patterns, food preferences and do a lot of research on child development (even though they've raised a family themselves) and are constantly talking about them, what they did, said, wore-no detail is too small for conversation. They have them to stay on a regular basis and even took them for two weeks when the parents decided they needed a holiday on their own.

I don't think my parents will be like this and I certainly don't expect them to step into any child care role (I plan on returning to work after maternity leave). But they are so involved with their daughters' children I am afraid they will start this with me and our child. I'm already getting it from them as they will tell me based on the week of gestation what I should expect and asking what names and other things we are thinking of.

I've always been really independent and so is my husband. I like my inlaws but we are the parents here. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I certainly don't want to share every minor detail with them or be expected to do so.

Any advice on dealing with this?

Victor

Like many such relationships, my father (only grandfather) and my nephew (only grandson, compared to 5 granddaughters) are special people in each other's lives, so you won't be able to deny that to your in-laws.

You might be able to set down some markers, I'm not sure how, perhaps it is something for your other half to initiate. It is something to discuss earlier, rather than later.

Certainly, it is useful for them to see each other for a bit every week and to occasionally spend time together without you.

There will be times that you will want the in-laws to take the child and not give it back!

Daisy M

I would think that the more grandchildren they have the more diluted down the attention they can give will be. My parents were way too over involved in my brothers kids lives. This was because the parents took such advantage of them when it came to minding and there was hardley a day that passed when either the kids were in my mothers house or she was in theirs doing some kind of minding this meant that everything that went on in the families lives was known to my parents. My sisterinlaw hated it but not enough to stop asking for minding as she liked her free time and didnt want to pay a childminder for nights out ect.

On the otherhand we never got this type of overexposure because we didnt drop off the kids all the time or ask them to come and mind in our house on a regular basis. They often offered to babysit ect but we didnt take them up on it often as we felt they had reared their own family and were entitled to go out on a saturday night.This meant that they didnt know all the ins and outs of everything going on in all our lives and its the way we prefered it. Dont get me wrong they see the kids all the time but its for visits not minding so I feel under no obligation to keep them informed of our everymove.

Dont overthink this see how things develop and deal with the situation if it arises. Grandparents are important in childrens lives so dont alienate them or not allow them to play a role in your childs life, after all the more people who love your child the better.

cbyrd

By all means set limits with them.. but be mindful that kids are hard work especially when you're tired from being up through the night and sometimes, it's easier to drop them off somewhere for an hour to do something that would take 2 or 3 when you have them with you.
At the moment there is not a lot of point stressing about something that may or may not happen. You are the parents and it'll be your call as to how often you call to them.. (unless they are the type that would walk into the house:eek:) It might surprise you and you might like the attention.. I know i hated people who talked about their kids..now i have my own i can relate and realise they are the biggest part of your life why the hell wouldn't you talk about them

My mother works and my husbands parents are in kildare.. so the next best thing we have is my friends mother who's been looking after mine (now all 4 of them) since my eldest was 9 months.. she's nearly 13 now..her whole family have become an extended family to us.. we'd be lost without them all.

My youngest is 9 weeks and my in laws haven't seen him yet... laziness on their part busy-ness on mine. It makes me sad for my husband that they haven't shown any interest.. he says it doesnt' bother him.. but i know he's hurt
Sometimes it's nice to have someone who will support you, give you advice on how to cope and you don't always have to take it you can always say no but be gentle

EGAR

Both our parents are dead except my mother and she lives in another country. I wish our son would have grandparents, I think it's great when kids get to spent time with their grandparents, build up a relationship and that special bond that exists between grandparents and grandchildren.

That doesn't take away anything from you, OP.

Chocolate fiend

You might find that they will treat a son's children a little different to a daughters children. That has been my experience anyway.

Also you can be in charge of how involved they actually are. If you don't want your child going there overnight etc then just don't let it happen.

Its nice that they care about your pregnancy, and the names discussion etc. just tell them as much as you want them to know.

nesf

Well, you can listen politely to everything they say and still do your own thing you know! Or at least that's what we do.

Grandparents will always be involved and honestly during the first few years you'll be glad of the help, going it alone is bloody tough.

Morag

It depends on the 'help' what may be meant as 'help' can be infact, being an push person and interfering. Assisting new parents is one thing, telling them what to do and how do to it and undermining their choices or undermining their confidence with the baby does a lot of damage to family bonds.

hoodwinked

Sharrow wrote: »

It depends on the 'help' what may be meant as 'help' can be infact, being an push person and interfering. Assisting new parents is one thing, telling them what to do and how do to it and undermining their choices or undermining their confidence with the baby does a lot of damage to family bonds.

This ^ is 100% true in my opinion!


we have perfect experience of this,


my family were great for helping us as they assisted us with decisions we made and we were both glad and grateful for their help, my inlaws on the other hand, could not (and still cannot) understand this logic and constantly complain my family get to do 'everything' when the truth was the inlaws version of 'helping' was the latter above.


OP if you feel they are over involved you should really discuss it with your partner, i did and believe me it helped us both knowing his parents were winding us both up. it also meant i could talk to him and he could rant to me when they did.

rainbow76

This struck a chord with me. When I was expecting my first i had similar worries. My mam in law especially was very involved with her grand kids. My sis in lawhad 2 at the time. Mine were quite cool, happy to be grandparents but let me make my decisions. It took a while to get used to. Initially had q's like when will she be on a bottle so we can feed her etc. I felt so pressurised.

However, four years and 3 kids later I can happily say I would be lost without my mother in law She loves her grand kids so much and would do anything for them. I took concern and perhaps over excitement as interfering I think! When I had no need, she was just super excited

She would take them for sleepovers in a heartbeat, (my eldest doesn't like being away overnight yet, worse luck!). Always plays with them and gets their favourite fruit in.

The best way to handle it is start as you mean to go on, but also they might just be overexcited too. Hand on heart I'd prefer them to be super interested rather than no interest.