How do you get a guy to commit!!!!

countryliving

hello everyone, i am 38 years of age single no commitments. met a guy about just over 2 years ago. i had just moved out of dublin and we had a few dates and that was it. however, this guy has always kept in touch. in the last 8 months we have spent a lot of time on the phone and since september we have been been casually seeing each other. however, when it suits him and on his terms....i am not living in dublin yet but moving back. we have these magical dates... that last for hours and we drink coffee and eat dinner. this guy knows me very well. he is definitely not married no children lives with his mammy ive been around to that house and it is all wonderful between us but he is making no commitment is not reliable. we are not even having sex.there is massive attraction between us. in the whole 2 years ive gone out with other guys and i know there is something special between us. ive always been honest with him im too nice to be playing games with him. (maybe i should) im moving back to dublin after christmas and i will have my own place. i dont want this turning into just a sex buddy thing between us as it has always been steamy between us but we have just kept it to kissing and holding hands. it is lovely between us when we meet he treats me with such respect is such a gentleman.
i have decided that i have to park him, he is probably a confirmed bachelor and i deserve better (it is so difficult when you really like and fancy someone and when it is so difficult to meet guys these days). we had another great date 2 weeks ago and he looked in my eyes and said; as always i had a lovely time with you. he text me on saturday i havn't responded. i know in my heart that - this guy is just not into me enough to commit to a relationship.(please be kind when responding i know hes not into me enough im sensitive please dont rub it in anymore) i need to get over him but i just would like to ask as a final final (have no regrets ) is there anyway i could make him commit..whats the trick? it is so hard when you meet someone that your really into. should i keep meeting him casually when he gets in touch? or blank him? would it ever develop into something special?

gmac102

hun you cant make someone commit when they dont want to

Miss Fluff

countryliving wrote: »

is there anyway i could make him commit..whats the trick? it is so hard when you meet someone that your really into. should i keep meeting him casually when he gets in touch? or blank him? would it ever develop into something special?

There's no "trick" I'm afraid, if he wanted to commit to you he would. Don't be down on yourself by saying he's just not that in to you, he does in fact sound like 1. a confirmed batchelor and 2. a messer.

If you do want to meet that someone special, and you evidently do, then I'd give this guy short shrift. Cut him out. He is essentially dead wood that is dragging you down and occupying your time when it could be filled with someone more worthy of you and where the interest is reciprocated.

This guy has been in your life for two years now and calls you when it suits him to have an ego boost and nothing else really. Again let me reiterate that this is no reflection on you, he probably finds you attractive and good company but he doesn't actually want to be anyone's boyfriend. But unfortunately while you're hanging on waiting for him to call or waiting for the suggestion of another date, you are in fact probably letting other tangible opportunities pass by because you're being blind-sided by this guy. Don't entertain him any longer hon.

Oh, and just on a side note, any adult man approaching 40 who lives with his Mammy (:eek:) is to be avoided at all costs....than in itself would have me calling for a taxi

countryliving

Miss Fluff, thank you for your response. yes; an ego boost and a listening ear as his family has had deaths, illness etc. and i have listened to him for hours. oh he is charming,finds me attractive yeh but wasting me time.
it is hard to be strong but he did text me at the weekend and i have ignored his text so this is a start.
unfortunately, i am lonely and i am so attracted to this guy and we do get on great and he makes me laugh. but; suits himself. for sure a confirmed bachelor and a messer. he recently became friends on facebook but he has no friends bar me as another friend said he is keeping tabs on me.
rarely, do i meet a guy i really like this one which makes it harder but will struggle on. thank you and i am lonely.

dellas1979

There is no trick - but if I were you, Id speak your mind.

I mean, not texting him back is all fine and well, but what is the purpose of that? Are you serious about not wanting nothing to do with him anymore (in that case no more contact with him), or are you looking for a reaction, and if so what are you expecting him to say/do? Tell him straightout. Youve nothing to loose really, and all to gain by being a bit proactive here. That will give him something to think about, not diddering about wondering what the "trick" is.

Miss Fluff

countryliving wrote: »

Miss Fluff, thank you for your response. yes; an ego boost and a listening ear as his family has had deaths, illness etc. and i have listened to him for hours. oh he is charming,finds me attractive yeh but wasting me time.
it is hard to be strong but he did text me at the weekend and i have ignored his text so this is a start.
unfortunately, i am lonely and i am so attracted to this guy and we do get on great and he makes me laugh. but; suits himself. for sure a confirmed bachelor and a messer. he recently became friends on facebook but he has no friends bar me as another friend said he is keeping tabs on me.
rarely, do i meet a guy i really like this one which makes it harder but will struggle on. thank you and i am lonely.

You're more than welcome.

Loneliness is a terrible bed-fellow to have and I appreciate how hard it is to meet someone lovely, my heart goes out to you. BUT while you'll feel temporary loneliness at cutting contact with this guy that doesn't compare to the ongoing loneliness of hanging on for this man ad infinitum in the hope that he's going to fall in love with you. Because that is exactly what will happen and he won't fall in love with you. Where will that leave you? How lonely will you feel then hon?

This has already been going on for two years and hasn't really progressed. So that's from when you've been 36 until 38 years old he has been wasting your time. When exactly do you decide to quit while you're ahead? At 40? At 45? I'm not being ageist here, I'm 34 so hardly wet behind the ears, but I do have a lot of experience in the past of subwits and numpties and time-wasters and this man is not going to commit in any fashion but will happily keep it going for as long as you let it. Think of all the amazing people you could be meeting when spending your time pining for a non-starter?

If you want to meet someone special you have to leave the path clear for them to meet you don't you? You're not at the moment.

Be strong. Cutting him out now is going to save you a lot more pain tbh. Get out now before you become really attached and focus your energies when you move to Dublin on reigniting old friendships, forging new ones, go to Boards beers and get started with some internet dating.

Finally, refer to this blokes text from Saturday and say you don't feel it's going anywhere and would prefer to cut contact - and stick to that. If you sever contact you'll be doing yourself a big fsvour in the longrun.

countryliving

i have'nt responded to his text. in fairness we would always be texting each other sometimes id initiate contact. surely, if he was interested in me as a girlfriend he would be on my case and asking me out not pussing footing around.
what is annoying is the last time we had a great date - he was talking about us going away for a holiday together. i was talking about us taking up dancing lessons together and yeh he was agreeing. i was saying i cant commit until after christmas.
he did ask me a while ago; would i like to be in a relationship with him. i said yes i would. but sure hes still not chasing me down...i think M. Fluff has got it correct. i know i need to move on to someone who is chasing me making an effort. this guy has admitted he has never made an effort with me, only when it suits him. he is a head wrecker. sure, he knows what i want from him - it bugs me the last time we met oh we must go away he hasnt a passport for the last 5 years as he has a fear of flying and we'll do the dancing lessons but im still waiting for a phonecall or an invite.......and waiting........

countryliving

yes in response to you M Dellas being very honest - yes i am hoping to get a reaction from him by not responding to his text. yes for sure.

yes a good idea to server contact with him and text him saying; i am severing contact as i am so into you and you are not committing etc..on the lines of that but;
this is what i need to do and i have to find the strength but; i keep hoping hoping that he'll be in touch and ask me for a date at the weekend. it is silly and only im mad about him im well able to stand up for myself if it was any other guy. he is a guy who is not the normal he works crazy hours doesnt seem to have many friends doesnt drink,not into getting married or having kids...but wasting my time he is.

LegacyUser

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm your age, lonely as hell and find it very hard to meet men. I'm single but if I'm honest, it could just as easily be me writing this Personal Issue. It is hard to let go but I think you need to. Some men are just time-wasters unfortunately. This one sounds like a classic example of that. I've a friend who's a fair bit older than we are and she has been trying to keep a relationship going with a confirmed bachelor for a long time. I don't know why she sticks with it because he is soooo much hard work. Loneliness or desperation perhaps?

It is a big leap into the dark to take but I believe you should take it. This relationship isn't going anywhere and isn't going to. All you have to do is look at what has happened with your friends and family. When they met their other halves, things really started moving for them. They were going away for weekends, on holiday, moving in together. There was no issue with commitment. If a man fancies you and wants things to progress, he will not be leaving things to chance.

dellas1979

say you don't feel it's going anywhere and would prefer to cut contact

This is what you should be saying (a la miss fluff). It is casual, yet gets the message across. None of the "i am severing contact as i am so into you ....." stuff. But look, if you do do this, you need to follow through and realise that it possibly is the last time you will have contact with him. But all the cards are on the table and he will know you mean business and if he does contact, be strong about what YOU want. Think about yourself here. You will have no regrets and no wondering. It will actually give you some closure. You tried your best and sin e.

dellas1979

countryliving wrote: »

yes i am hoping to get a reaction from him by not responding to his text. yes for sure.

Nah - thats not going to work for you for sure. You'll be back in contact with him in no time with the same problem and feeling even worse. Time to sort this out lady. Get some gusto in you and tell him this isnt working and no more contact. Then you'll get a proper reaction. But as said above, you need to be prepared for if he doesnt care/doesnt respond etc. But at least you will get your answer either way as to how he actually does feel. At the moment you are letting him hold all the cards and he is playing you big time because you are letting him!

Fentdog84

I think you(and the other posters) are being a bit harsh on this guy. I dont see he's done much wrong imo. He's treated you well, been good company and has made it obvious to you what he wants with the current arrangement.. perhaps he's been down all this road before and decides he dosent want that. You are both mature adults so you should be able to talk this over rather than resorting to mind games and ignoring text messages. Look you obviously like him but its you who have been going along with this all along with this along without making your true intentions known.I dont think he has been stringing you along really. Perhaps you're the timewaster and the messer.

Firetrap

I'm in two minds over whether to bring things to a head and have a conversation with him. Ignoring texts just leaves things dangling in the air if you know what I mean. It might give you an answer and something definite to work with. On the other hand, he sounds like someone who tells you what you want to hear without acting on it so you could end up with what you think is a relationship going places until he falls back into his old ways.

Miss Fluff

Firetrap wrote: »

I'm in two minds over whether to bring things to a head and have a conversation with him. Ignoring texts just leaves things dangling in the air if you know what I mean. It might give you an answer and something definite to work with. On the other hand, he sounds like someone who tells you what you want to hear without acting on it so you could end up with what you think is a relationship going places until he falls back into his old ways.

I think she needs to be very firm and very definite about calling a halt to this. Otherwise he will give her just enough to keep her dangling indefinitely. She needs to take control of the situation once and for all and put a stop to it because he certainly won't. Not replying to texts is a temporary solution, she'll have a week or two of feeling empowered and then reply at a weak or lonely moment.

OP tell him it's not going anywhere and you won't be in touch again and then have his number blocked. If you do genuinely want to meet someone then there is an element of strategy to it too and right now this man is standing in your way of happiness with someone else. Your call.

Beruthiel

countryliving wrote: »

i am lonely and i am so attracted to this guy

You're lonely and he knows it. Therefore there is no need for him to do anything other than what he is doing right now.
If someone doesn't want to commit then it's not going to happen.

What you need to do is ask yourself, are you prepared to hang around for whatever tit bits he's willing to throw your way?
Move on and leave him to it.

So what if you're 38.
All your limbs still work and your no where near your sell by date.
Get yourself out and about woman!

curlzy

Op there's no "trick" to "getting a guy to commit". They commit if they want to. With regards to that guy I'd imagine if you've only kissed or held hands he may be asexual, it's when somene basically has no sex drive whatsoever. I do think you're flogging a dead horse here and you should move on from him. Also don't do the ignoring or waiting for him to ring etc, it's 2011 if you want a date ask for one, women aren't obliged to wait for men anymore. It's no longer faux pas to go after what you want.

cafecolour

Have you actually informed of your expectations? Like how often you want to meet, that he needs to do some pursuing...He might just be essentially clueless/in his own world so to speak.

That said, I second that 40 + lives with mother is a big warning sign from the get go (assuming, of course, it's not just a temporary situation because of money or health).

Judes

Let him go - he's 38 and still living with his mother - it won't change. I went through the same thing - met him at 38 and spent 6 years with him - with me in one county and him in another (living in his mother's house - where he'd always been). I look back and feel like I was just a bit of fun at weekends and holidays. So to break it down my ex is now 46 and still with his mother, he won't change neither will your man. Face it they are in a committed relationship with their mothers - she no doubts does all the housey stuff and he comes home to the wifey/mother character. Why would he want 2 wives/mothers. Run girl - get on with your life - and have as much fun as you can being an independent woman!!!

Big Bag of Chips

Why is it up to him to commit? Have you made any noises about committing yourself?? He may just not push it, because you're not pushing it.

I asked my husband to marry me, because I knew he never would! After I asked him, he said he would never have asked me, because he would have been too afraid I'd say no!

I don't understand why you think he should be the one to bring up the subject. And if you want there to be more between you, I don't understand ignoring him!

Instead of ignoring him, hoping for him to guess what's wrong just be straight with him. Say what you want. If he says he's not interested then you can move on knowing you tried. If you walk away playing a game, you'll always wonder... and so will he!

LegacyUser

If this guy was interested in a relationship OP, he would've made it extremely clear within WEEKS of meeting you lest you be snapped up by someone else.

He hasn't made anything clear, and he knows you're too scared to push anything, so everything is just the way he wants it.

Move on and start living your life. You're in limbo at the moment and you're not happy. Why stay in limbo for the rest of your life?

Sleepy

The first step to getting what you want is to ask.

The rest is in the gift of the person you're asking.

Playing silly mind games is absolutely the wrong strategy. In fact, any strategy is wrong (regardless of what Cosmo, Sex and the City or a million Rom Coms have told you). Just be honest.

countryliving

hello boards friends, thank you all for taking the time to give me some advice.
firstly, i don't play games. i am too honest and couldnt be bothered with the creap, i wouldnt know how to be manipulative and it is not my style. i am honest and straight up. also, he is not asexual he is ok that way too - i have fooled around with him all right (that fooling around happened in my place only i was rushing down the country to work the next day i could have stayed the night with him in my place but i was refraining as i have told him i wouldnt have sex with him until i was in a committed relationship).
just with regard to the text message on saturday it was my birthday and he text me saying he hoped i was good and wishing me a happy birthday. to be honest, i didnt respond cause he didnt ask me a question and he didnt invite me out on a date or to meet for coffee etc. surely that not good enough - he could have made arrangements to meet? if he was interested in me.... i have'nt heard from him since and i havent text him either (why should i?)
the heart breaking thing is - we have spend many hours together and we have a great laugh together and get on great - we have a great connection. he is always a gentleman, attentative and respectful. i know an awful lot about him, he knows lots about me. we have had memorable dates and its no wonder i fell for him (unfortunately).
it is weird as he just goes hot and cold...i dont know if i'll hear from him before christmas or not? or it could be after christmas. i have told him can he get in touch with me on a wednesday or a thurs if he wants to meet me at the weekend.
i am going to dublin at the weekend to meet other friends and i know exactly where he'll end up on saturday night i know where he parks his car and we were walking down a street recently and he told me ah this is where we first met. its head wrecking really. i am beginning to think that he is just filling me with lies (but then again why has he spent so many hours with me and speaking to me on the phone) cause as one of the members said; hed be suggesting weekends away etc... not crumbs...
i dread the weekend as dublin is so lonely its christmas and i havent met a guy i like and fancy in 15 years but i am on the road to nowhere with this guy and i will have to move on quickly..cause i deserve better. i have always been exceptionally nice to him and i have asked him why he just runs - he doesnt know why as he has assured me over and over he really likes me, hes never felt this way if ever about anyone and he is terrified, he finds it easier being on his own with his work and all these excuses really. he cant understand why im still single, he doesnt have anyone else. i cannot understand him - but i need to 'accept' he will never commit and he is a confirmed bachelor and talking the talk to me.

countryliving

board members - i appreciate your responses as i was in work and away down the country i have'nt been able to respond. i have access to broadband as i am back home.
trust me - your responses will keep me going over christmas and will give me strength to be strong.
i am fairly certain this guy knows i want 'reliability' and consistency. i have said it.
thank you.

Big Bag of Chips

You have let him know you are looking for something more stable, but still go out with him. He is not going to believe you are looking for anything more than he is offering you at the moment, if you don't make it clear.

And that means, telling him. If you are deciding to finish with him, at least tell him. If weeks could go by normally where you wouldn't be in contact, then you are going through all this, think all this, coming up with all sorts.... and he's oblivious to everything.

At least tell him you are finishing your "involvement". That way you are giving him the option of either deciding to give it an honest go with you, or letting you walk away.

dellas1979

I agree with bag o chips there.

Look, the same thing will keep happening over and over. You are making yourself too available for him-and now you are emotionally caught.

You came on here asking how to get a guy to commit. You cant make anyone do anything, but you can do things with your actions and your thoughts. Your approach to this has gotton you no where - try something different and lay your cards on the table. Its not forcing him to commit, but it might force him to face his feelings, and through this, he may commit. I dont get why you are so scared.

keanooo

I thought all women had seen (and learned from) that "He's Just Not That Into You" episode of Sex and the City...

nowyouresix

OP: I'm confused....do you really want this guy or not? Have you ever slept together? It seems like you are both stuck at the cusp here.... there are books written on this stuff....one of them by a guy called Christian Carter I think....and the book is called "Casual to Committed" or something like that.
If you want him to step up and commit, then you need to know in your own mind what you really want, and communicate this with him.
Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

keanooo taking a two week holiday for failing to read the charter during their last vacation.

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

shellyboo

This is bizarre. Tell him you want a committed, monogamous relationship. He will say Yes or he will say No or he will mess you around (the way you are currently messing him around, by the way.) Then you'll know. THE END.