Lonely with so much wasted potential...

going un-reg

Hey guys,

It's been ages since I've posted here, and I think I need some boardsie advice.

I'm not sure where to even start with this, for the most part I'm a fairly complex person, I feel I'm very unlike most people, but at the same time I'm very similar to everyone else. I'm in my mid-twenties and I've pretty much no friends.

This to me is shocking, even to me. I'm an intelligent, funny, kind, witty, caring, warm, creative person. If you were to meet me, you'd think I had it all together. I dress well, look after myself and very respectful of people. When I do get the opportunity to meet people, they generally like me as I'm very engaging, very upbeat and very accommodating. I know when to pull back from a social situation, to give people their space, knowing when to shut up, I'm not loud, I'm not intrusive . I also have the "nice guy" syndrome.

I seem to meet people, have a laugh, get to know them a bit and then nothing. This has happened so much throughout my life, it's now put me in a position where I always stay in, I never go out (bar going to work and meeting up with family). I'm the sort of person that thrives on having friendly people around me, I love being around people that I get on with. I've made the effort a lot in the past to meet up with people, but it seems rare that people make the initiation to contact me.

This has made me a bit bitter now, and I focus my time on computers and anything that can entertain me. I know deep down that I'm the sort of person to be very social as I've tasted it in the past, and it felt so right. Now I'm just lonely, I want a girlfriend so badly. It's Christmas time again, single, again. It makes me so sad.

I've so much to offer people but they never see it in me. The guys in my work laugh with me all the time, we get on great , however I don't feel like they'd want to go out with me (there have been times where they could have invited me with them to things, but they haven't and I'm not going to invite myself along as that's a bit assuming).

I feel like I'm living a lie. You know those people who you see, and think "I bet that person is very popular, people must like him a lot" .....I'm not saying that I'm that person, I don't have a huge ego, but I know people think that way about me, and I'm SO far from that, it's not even funny. My outer shell tells people something I'm not.

GAH! am I even making sense to those who are reading this? I'm such a wasted talent, I know I should be out socializing all the time, but I'm sitting in, getting drunk by myself just to feel something different than loneliness.

I feel like I'm a donkey with a carrot hanging off a stick, being waved infront of me, I can see the end goal but I don't know how to go about it. There aren't really any clubs that I'd want to join (atleast none that cover what I'm interested in). I'm an aspiring DJ(I was classically trained in the violin for 16 years, and have a very good ear for music) and a Graphic Designer, I've many cool interests that attract the sort of people I'd like to hang out with, but I'm just not sure how to break into that lifestyle.

If this has made any sense to anyone, I'd really appreciate any advice that you might be able to give.

Thank you for reading

Meller

I think I know how you feel for the most part OP, was nodding my head along to a lot of this. Feel unlike most people, not many good friends despite liking to socialise and having a lot of interests, etc. I suppose I've accepted for myself that good friends are hard to find (maybe because everyone similar to me has already given up and is at home at their computer!), but it's nice and helps with loneliness to have 'casual' friends to go out with, etc. too. And when you try hard enough to meet people you will occasionally run into somebody who you really, really like and get on with.

I do think it's about perseverance here. You said yourself that people don't have a clue what you're 'really' like, so they definitely won't be bending over backwards to make an effort to invite you places, involve you, etc. You have to do that. Sometimes it can be awkward and you might feel a bit pushy, but people probably won't perceive it that way (they don't know what's going on in your head or your life).

I think you CAN invite yourself along with the guys at work- just mention as casually as possible that you might go too if you hear them talking about it, I'm sure they won't mind. The only instance I can think of when people would be bothered by this is if somebody they didn't like was constantly inviting themselves along, but you say you get on fine with them. If it goes well the first time, they'll start naturally including you after that. You just need to make yourself part of it.

Miss Fluff

I think this is quite simple really. It's apparent that you're putting the onus on other people to move friendships forward. You have all these amazing traits but perhaps slightly lacking in assertiveness it would seem - you do your own PR, nobody else is going to do it for you.

As such, you need to start arranging things and if you get on well with people at work for example, invite yourself along if you feel it's appropriate, you have to put yourself out there.

Mighty_Mouse

Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies..............fill your time & challenge yourself to excell.

What social situation do you attend regularly?
If you never go out, people expect you never will & hence the cycle of isolation starts. You clearly like music.
Why not hit a few gigs? ( I'd gladly go to a gig on my own, sober)
Guess what, you go to a few gigs in the same spot, you get talking to people & slowy you start to recognise faces.

going un-reg

Thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated.

I don't want you to think that I'm expecting others to come up to me and want to get to know me straight off the bat, if that's how I came across, I apologize.

I thought I mentioned that I've usually been the one making the effort, but rarely do I get the initiation off other people, which then makes me think if there's something wrong with me that they don't like, and my own self-perception is extremely skewed (which I know it's not as I've a good head on my shoulders).

I do know that it's about persistence, I've not got to where I am today without it, I'm just sick and tired of not having a reliable bunch of friends, I've accquaintances, just not "friends".

I agree with the general thought of persistence however, I know I have to focus more on that.

Adamantium

Intrude on people's space, seriously

People may say they like a nice guy,

But subconsciously we are all wired to respond to dominant behaviour and RESPECT it

I'm not saying act like a thick loudmouth

just don't be afraid to act like a bastard every so often, nobody, even those close to us don't spend that much time thinking of what you say and most if not everybody else is more worried about how others perceive them

That's the glitch:)

Ickle Magoo

Adamantium,

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OP,

I think getting yourself out of this cycle of negativity is a must. I moved here from a different country and knew virtually no-one barring my partner and a couple of their friends who are in different counties. It's hard going but you have to persevere, I advertised online for other newbies to the area, joined a load of clubs and committees and generally got myself out there.

You should also make a point of arranging nights out - people are often too busy to make arrangements or might assume you have plans or another group of friends - start trying to get your own group of friends together and widen your social circle whenever you can and you'll maximise the opportunity to find people you click with.

All the best. :cool: