This is wrong isn't it??

LegacyUser

This is going to be a long one, so please bear with me. I can't talk to anyone about it and I need some advise.

Husband and I together 11 years nearly and have 3 wonderful kids. But, we are so over for a long time now and I cannot cope with how he treats me and he sees no wrong in his behaviour, quite the opposite he thinks he is the bees knees. He treats me like s**t all the time and if I say anything I am mad or the latest tonight is that I am a bully. He swings that one around quiet alot and he is a total bully.

The way he speaks to me even in company is so embarressing, he is just so rude and talks down to me. He tries to make me out to be a bad mother which backfires everytime but he really tries, but it's coz he knows it upsets me and his main agenda is to upset me as much as he can. He is very selfish and it's always about him. He does nothing, he comes home to spotless house,a dinner, his clothes washed & dried,the kids in great form everyday and just sits on his backside. He has a problem with anything I do and any friend I have he automatically hates them. He is so negative and says some horrible things about people or assumes some horrible things and I tell him nothing as he would open his mouth or else sneer & laugh at things. The way he treats me though and the way he speaks to me and he denies it all the time. He stresses me out over the smallest of things and I react by freaking out as he makes me feel so shaky and I can feel him doing his upmost to undermine me and make me feel like ****.

This evening for example our youngest, the baby woke up screaming and he was behaving like "What would you know" attitude. I was worried but had a fair idea it was her teeth and I checked her all over for a rash, he was going on ridiculous so I rang the doctor and while waiting on a callback she fell asleep in my arms and was fine. When I got off the phone he walks on top of me almost with her going on about what is wrong with her but I knew she was not seriously ill so I snapped at him-so I am a bully!. I never have got it wrong with the kids, I know when they are sick enough for the doc or it's just something I can deal with but he will take any opportunity to make out I have not got a clue and I am their mother I know. After she went to bed I was upset and told him never to speak to me like that again and the bully word came up and he sits in his spot as usual nothing bothers him, he actually enjoys seeing me upset, there is a smile on his face and the quotes he comes out with. I went out for a cigarette and when I came in he said I was rewarding myself...for what like??. Before I went out I went a bit mad at him I was upset as something has been bothering me for 2 weeks and I didn't say it to him as I have decided myself I cannot talk to him he always turns it around and it's not worth the way I will feel afterwards.

I went out with some friends 2 weeks ago and came home a bit tipsy had a good laugh and just wanted to go asleep. I just get the giggles when I drink and don't know where I am, a total lightweight. He wanted some bed action so I just went with it but it's turned out to upset me so much and I wish I had been sterner about just going asleep. For years he has been going on about having anal sex and I said never and I meant it I am just not into it at all and don't like the thoughts of it. He still has tried lots of times despite me saying NO and not to try it, just shows the respect he has for me.
Well he did it 2 weeks ago and it was horrible, I felt like he waited for a weak moment when I had a few drinks on me. I was in pain the next day and he never asked was I ok or brought it up knowing for 11 years now I never wanted it and I told him it would never happen. He does not give a damn and I said it to him tonight and I got the usual response total disrespect and the F off. He makes me sick. But even after that, I am still the bully, the bad person.

I am sick of what he makes me out to me and how he makes me feel. I don't feel like the person I am when he is around, but when he is at work during the day I am fine and feel great and have a blast with the kids. Around family and friends I am fine it's just him, he makes me feel like crap and I cannot take it anymore.
I am a quiet private person, live for my kids, look after my family and see my friends and family at weekends but not every weekend, take the kids out the usual. I don't go out drinking or anything like that.

I don't know what to do anymore he just makes me feel so bad. His usual line is "well I am not going anywhere", and I know that he is happy to sit in his chair and sneer at me, undermine me and have a good laugh at me crying. I even feel like an eget posting this coz he uses this site and might read this. He will still deny his behaviour. He would never do something nice either, like last Sat he washed his car but not mine, all he needed to do was hose it for a few mins but it's only "my" car so why bother. It's just an example.

Can someone tell me what I need to do to make myself stop being so upset all the time and feeling like crap when he is around?
He again would say it's not his fault I feel like that it's other things but it isn't. We all go thru hard patches in life but we get over it and move on instead of getting stuck in a rut. I just wish I could apply that bit of strength I do have to my relationship with him, but it's impossible. Or am I being unreasonable or over-reacting to how I feel about certain issues?

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Yes it is wrong. You poor thing. My mother was in a situation similar to yourself for years.

You need to go about making sure you are covered financially/legally etc and then ask for a separation/divorce asap. Believe me, as a kid who grew up looking at this type of relationship every day it is doing your kids more harm than you realize. My parents eventually separated when I was 15 (my three siblings were all younger). The relationship had been toxic for at least 7 years at that stage. Although I had never wanted them to separate due to the fear and negativity associated with divorce/separation which at the time (or possibly even now?) was ingrained into Irish society due to the Church, within only a month or two of the separation I realized that life was so much better with them apart and that it should have happened years before.

You deserve to be happy. And so do your kids. I don't mean to scare you, but the vibes they pick up on can be extremely damaging.

floorpie

You're obviously not overreacting if you're reacting in a natural, appropriate way, based on your beliefs/values. But then, it's hard to tell from your post. You said several times that you snap and freak out. Sounds to me like communication could be improved on both sides...or at least, it might help...

floorpie

floorpie wrote: »

Sounds to me like communication could be improved on both sides...or at least, it might help...

I don't know what communication can solve what pretty much amounts to anal rape, personally speaking

OP, time to get yourself sorted and leave. This is not a healthy relationship by any means and you need to go.

floorpie

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't know what communication can solve what pretty much amounts to anal rape, personally speaking

OP, time to get yourself sorted and leave. This is not a healthy relationship by any means and you need to go.

I'm not saying the situation was good, but calling it rape when she specifically said that she 'went with it' isn't correct. That's not to say that he wasn't a pr*ck about it then and the next day.

floorpie

floorpie wrote: »

I'm not saying the situation was good, but calling it rape when she specifically said that she 'went with it' isn't correct. That's not to say that he wasn't a pr*ck about it then and the next day.

I thought the "went with it" was a separate incident
if not then i overstated it, though it was still clearly unwanted

either way, no respect, no relationship, and doesnt look like he wants to work on it

floorpie

bluewolf wrote: »

I thought the "went with it" was a separate incident
if not then i overstated it, though it was still clearly unwanted

either way, no respect, no relationship, and doesnt look like he wants to work on it

Yeah it is unclear, but it sounds to me like she feels he got her approval at a time when she was slightly drunk and not aware enough to say no. Which is still lousy.

Miss Fluff

Did you consent to anal sex OP?

LegacyUser

This is classic mental and emotional abuse. Two of the tactics he is using are called 'projection' (claiming YOU are a bully when it is him that is the bully) and the other one is called 'gaslighting'

{Wikipedia-'Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim'}

So when he tries to make you doubt yourself about the baby being sick etc. It is done in order to keep you emotionally vulnerable and off kilter. It is a form of control.

You need to get hold of a book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that' -it will explain everything. Emotional abusers are suprisingly similar in the tactics they employ. You need to educate yourself and then extricate yourself.

You must get away from this abusive man. For your own sake and for the sake of the children, the children will see what is going on and come to believe that it is ok and normal for one parent to abuse the other.

I wish you all the best.

WhiteRose90

You need to get out now! This man is sadistic and controling from the sound of your op. You really do need to get away from him and take your kids with you. Even if you have to move into your parents house or with a friend. Anything would be better than being with a monster like that. As for the anal sex, you said you've told him no any time he's asked but he still pushed you to do it. You said you 'went along with it'. Was that because you were afraid of getting more abuse from him? You did it with drink in you and you said yourself that you can't handle drink very well. He knew you were in a weak state of mind and took advantage of that. Sorry but that sounds like rape to me and you should report him to the guards.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I did not say no at the time but I was half asleep really and to be honest could not believe what he had just done and wanted it over asap. He has known for years how I feel about it and I made it clear to him lots of times it will never happen ever!. But it did and I feel rotten, hurt, used and cheap. I just think he should never have done it he knows how I feel about it and he waited till I was drunk to get his way. I hadn't been out in months either so it's just horrible. As far as he is concerned he did nothing wrong and he doesn't care about how I feel and doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I told him for years no.
Yes I know we do have communication issues, we just don't talk. I don't tell him anything because I know is advance his reaction and he doesn't care once he is okay. All he does is sneer, mock, disrespect me and put me down. It's a living hell with him but he doesn't seem to care. He goes on about this mindfulness stuff he does and it gives him the ability to shut out "the crap I come out with" and he actually smiles in my face when I am upset it's his mindfulness apparantly it teaches him how to block "my crap" out. The cheek of him, he really thinks he is some great bloke and can do and say what he likes to me and get away with it.

floorpie

Jese i don't want to be hard on the OP because it does sound like a bad situation, but i don't know where you're all getting the 'sadistic' stuff. The whole post talks about emotions "he loves making me feel bad", "he makes me feel like x y z", "his main agenda is to upset me" etc (WHICH ARE ALL BAD, just to clarify). But then the only two examples that are given are ambiguous. E.g. the baby was sick, he was worried, ends up getting snapped at. Then the thing you're all calling rape, to take it back out of the context of the emotional post:

I just get the giggles when I drink and don't know where I am, a total lightweight. He wanted some bed action so I just went with it but it's turned out to upset me so much and I wish I had been sterner about just going asleep

She got the giggles, had some bad action, and wishes later that she was more stern (understandably, but the example doesn't indicate sadism). I'm still not saying that he's not a pr*ck or that what he did was 'right'. But it sounds like they both have work to do.

She says that her main reaction to situations is to freak out at him. Now if the situations that she normally snaps at are as simple as the example given, of her having a feeling that there's nothing wrong with the baby and snapping out of nowhere, then i'm not surprised he feels bullied.

When I got off the phone he walks on top of me almost with her going on about what is wrong with her but I knew she was not seriously ill so I snapped at him

They're the only two examples given and the rest are feelings. So i don't know how you're all coming to a rigorous conclusion.

I'm only saying this to bring a bit of balance here, yis might be convincing her that a two person problem is just his fault. Both of the examples wouldn't have arose with stronger communication.

Fittle

I don't think any of us should accuse the OPs husband of rape or not here (although I also thought that this was a different incident to the other one, where she 'just went along with it'), because this could then become a whole other thread and could soley focus on that one incident (not to undermine that incident particularly, but the OP hasn't asked for advice on that specifically).

OP, what you are experiencing is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be as bad, and have a longer and more detrimental impact on your life, than other forms of abuse. Emotional abusers (male and female) chip away at your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-worth and all of the emotions that are important for us as human beings, to fully function in life. They eventually turn the strongest of people into the weakest of people.

Need to be happy wrote: »

Can someone tell me what I need to do to make myself stop being so upset all the time and feeling like crap when he is around?

You know what you need to do.
Your first step was validating the abuse, by writing it down and posting it here (no, you are not going mad, you are right to think that you are not being treated in a way that ANY person should be treated).

You need to leave the environment. Get out yourself (if you can) or ask him to leave. If he won't leave, (and from your description of him, my guess is that he won't), you will have a whole other battle on your hands.

But either way - get yourself out of this situation for the sake of your own, and your childrens sanity.

LegacyUser

I snapped at him as he was shouting at me as per usual, and the reason I freak out at times is coz when I try to talk to him all I get is sneers and rudeness. When I say freak out I mean I usually end up crying and a blubering mess trying to tell him in that state that I am fed up of the treatment. He takes total advantge of it. He has no right to tell me what to do with my baby when I am with the kids 24/7 and having 3 of them I know when they are sick. He slapped my baby a week ago when changing her nappy because she was being a typical child and wriggling all over the place and putting up a fight. She does it all the time and he had no right to do it, and yes I freaked out that day how dare he. When she puts up a fight I just let her run around nappy free until I get my opportunity to change her with the least fuss. I have never laid a finger on the kids it's not allowed and I don't want them to fear their parents. She was screaming after it. And that likes of that calls me a bully and then when he does something that has me crying and I raise my voice a bit to get my point across I am a bully....I don't think so. I am so sick of his reverse physcology and know it all attitude, it's breaking me. I don't want to turn into a shell of a person because of that.

floorpie

Ok then, apologies for my previous posts, it doesn't sound like a nice situation, and with regard to your original questions, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable or overreacting.

Fentdog84

You need to get your life & dignity back and get away from this small, petty man with a chip on his shoulder. He obviously has no respect for you or what it sounds like women in general. Its always unfortunate with kids involved but at the end of the day you need to do whats best for you(and your kid's) personal happiness

LegacyUser

OP, please get the hell away from this awful 'man'.

He SLAPPED A BABY! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

You know you can't stay with him. He is breaking you down psychologically.

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like an entirely loveless and abusive relationship with absolutely no respect whatsoever. Rarely on RI would I advise someone not to try and work at a marriage but in this instance I'd be starting divorce proceedings, this man clearly doesn't or won't ever give a **** about you OP, I think you know that already though.....

Faith

Why exactly are you still with him? He has no redeeming qualities according to your posts. So why haven't you left him?

missvirgo

He is a bully & a coward. The only way to deal with this is to take back control of your own life.

Leave him. It will be hard & scary. But you can do it & it will be soooo worth it.

Your choices are:
1. leave him and be scared & upset for a year or two, while trying to put your life back together, but will eventually feel happy & strong & independent.

or

2. Stay with him & feel like this & worse for the rest of your life.

Get help & support from your friends & family. You & your childrens' lives/happiness/mental health are at stake.

The time is now. I wish you the very very best.

daisybelle2008

Need to be happy wrote: »

Can someone tell me what I need to do to make myself stop being so upset all the time and feeling like crap when he is around?

Need to be happy wrote: »

All he does is sneer, mock, disrespect me and put me down. It's a living hell with him but he doesn't seem to care.

Your relationship sounds horrible. I am not clear on why you are together. I am guessing you will say for the kids sake. But I am not sure there is a grown up kid on earth that would have wanted their parents to stay in a 'living hell' for their 'sake'. That is an awful burden and example to set to children.

Can you clarify why you stay in this relationship?

LegacyUser

Get out! Get out now, I grew up with this it will not stop, it will not change.

Do everything and anything you can just grab the kids and run now, this is much more dangerous that you think. God forbid he starts this behaviour towards your children, but don't wait long enough to find out.

The most important thing is TELL SOMEONE NOW! Tell a family friend or friend anyone who will listen, and tell them everything, for your own safety.

Da Shins Kelly

What a c*nt. Leave him.

tinkerbell

Oh god OP, you are in a completely abusive relationship. Regarding the sex that you had with him 2 weeks ago, it sounds like you were completely taken advantage of, he knew you didn't want that (in fairness, you said no for 11 years, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise that no means no, you'd not just change your mind overnight and he knew that). He's rotten, disgusting and just bad to the core.

You need to get out of there OP. You need to file for separation, get a barring order if you need to. Your kids are not safe with him, especially since he just hits them if they wriggle while nappy changing - he sounds like an absolute psycho!! He should not have any access to your children, they are not safe with him there.

Please seek help from your family, you are at rock bottom, but you can get through this.