another overflow.

LegacyUser

My apologies. Now and again my head jams up with thoughts and they have to spew over the side a little. I'm not sure if this will make sense at any point, but alas, it has to happen. Being rational might help and as rational as rational gets right now is to type this out for all and sundry to see, even if nobody cares because reverse the role and I am not sure I would care. I'm not sure I care as it is.

I hate my job. I hate myself. I hate my thoughts. I hate what goes on in my head. I fear myself. I don't want to die and yet I can think of nothing better. Perhaps the best way to articulate it is, I would like it if I simply ceased to exist, or if I could be a casual observer of the wonder of life (because what a spectacular and unlikely phenomenon life is) but from afar and not engaged in living it. I'd like to escape.

I am not gay, but neither am I straight. I dislike the word bisexual as I feel it doesn't apply to me. I am not attracted to women (I am female) yet conversely, I find something lacking in men. I would love to experiment but I'm paralysed with fear and the thought repulses me. I do not want people to get close to me. When people get close to me I act like a pleb, I get loud and attention seeking and do everything in my power to push people away. I'm emotionally retarded.

I've lost my groove in work. Last summer I was able to put in 14 hour days, it was great - in at 7am and out at 9pm. It felt so good, I was so productive. I was healthy too, 10km walk every 2 days and swimming every other morning. These days I'm lucky if I get 5 hours work done and get no exercise despite getting 8 hours sleep per night, 6 months ago that figure was 4. I have a good job all things considered, but I lack the motivation to get out of bed and go in in the morning (I sit in my armchair at home, "working from home", today as I type this). People above me have noticed. I risk losing my job. There aren't any more to be had in this sector. Plus I've just taken out a lease on my apartment. So basically I risk financial ruin, yet I can't seem to beat my stupid, stupid, stupid head into submission and make it do what I want. I feel... detached from my body.

Part of me thinks this is panic. I've just left college and I'm panicing, yet on the other hand I feel cool, calculating and removed. I want to be a kid again.

I'd love some help. Maybe. Love is such an emotive word and that doesn't apply right now. I would prefer it if someone could take my petty, petty, petty first world problems away and leave me free to do as I please. Wow. Selfish.

If my family weren't in the picture I'd move. Elsewhere. Anywhere big and very, very anonymous. I have a bit of money at the moment, I'd like to use that and just GO somewhere for a while by myself. Noone else with me. But then there's the risk associated with being a lone female tourist. So that's out of the picture. Plus with work it couldn't happen.

I was reading a book recently and it had a chapter about hypnosis and suggestion (by a well known enough illusionist from channel 4) and there were various bits in the chapter were the author was saying to bring to mind a memory of doing something you're really good at and noting how vibrant the memory is, and various stuff like that. It did strike me as odd that I couldn't pick something I'm good at. I feel mediocre (at odds with what I logically know to be the case, which is that I am academically, musically, sportingly and artistically talented, sorry for how arrogant that sounds but if I look objectively at my achievements and take my name off them I would say "that's a talented all rounder!"). When I settled on something it most certainly wasn't vibrant. It was grayscale and I wasn't remembering it "in" the moment, I observing from outside my body. 6 months ago was different. 6 months ago I was hyped, very confident and everything was technicolour. I'd like that back now please. I'd very much like to know how to get that back. I prefer that version of me. I dislike this slobbish sloth, a despicable creature.

I'm actually getting sad as I write this (though just a little), which is a welcome, welcome relief from the apathy and the fact that thoughts of suicide are simply not scary - just offputting because I know it would hurt my family. Even this brings no emotional response - just a rational one that it would hurt those around me and so would be wrong to do. No horror, no recoiling. No sadness. Sadness is a welcome relief. If I couldn't get the technicolor me back, I'd settle for horrendously sad. This apathy and time alone in my head is killing me.

I'm so sorry. Thank you to any brave soul who managed to wade through my awfully self absorbed rant. I'm so sorry.

Beruthiel

OP

Your first port of call should be to a professional. ASAP!
You deserve to be happy and you owe this kindness to yourself.
Go talk to someone who can help you through this patch.
And it is a patch.
You are smart and articulate.
Nothing you have said above is insurmountable.
You can be and do anything you want.
Get yourself the help you need in order to get there.