A little Christian Humour :)

Keylem

Thought I'd post this to lighten the mood - if the mods think it's inappropriate, feel free to delete!

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While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises....

The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...


Today you voted.'

Doc Farrell

A Jesuit priest and a Franciscan friar are driving to a Catholic college. Well, they're talking about liberation theology and they get into this big argument and they swerve off the road and hit a telephone pole, and go straight to heaven. The Jesuit and Franciscan suddenly find themselves standing in front of the gates of heaven, which are hidden behind some big white clouds. They're all excited, thinking, well, we spent all our lives serving the church and all that, so we're pretty excited to see what heaven is like.

In a few minutes, the clouds part, and the gates of heaven open, and trumpets sound and hundreds of angels start flying around and start singing. Then a long red carpet rolls out, all the way up to the Jesuit. And out come all these Jesuit saints—Aloysius Gonzaga, Francis Xavier and Ignatius Loyola himself. They all hug the Jesuit, who is just overjoyed. And then…out comes Mary, and St. Ignatius introduces her and she hugs the Jesuit, too.

Then there is this a trumpet blast and out comes…Jesus, who embraces the Jesuit says, "Welcome to heaven." They all hug each other, and everybody starts singing St. Louis Jesuit songs, which is what they sing in heaven, and then they all go inside to heaven, laughing and singing.

Then the carpet rolls back up and the angels go away and the gates close and the clouds come back. And the Franciscan is left standing there in front of the gates by himself. Well, he's pretty excited, wondering what his welcome is going to be like. They wait some more. And some more. After about a half-hour they start to get ticked off.

Finally, after an hour, a little side door opens up and St. Bonaventure says, "Hey!" And the Franciscan says, "Who, me?" And St. Bonaventure says, "Yeah, you. So the Franciscan goes up to the door and St. Bonaventure says, "Oh yeah, hi…um…
so…welcome to heaven."

And the Franciscan says, "That's it?" And St. Bonaventure says, "Is what it?" And the Franciscan says, "Oh, come on! That's the welcome I get? I mean, the Jesuit gets the trumpets and the angels and the red carpet and the saints and Mary and Jesus, and all I get is this lousy welcome?"

And St. Bonaventure says, "Oh yeah, right…well you have to understand something. We get Franciscans up here every day. We haven't had a Jesuit in heaven for three hundred years!"

Taken from a talk by Fr. James Martin, a Jesuit!

http://www.harpercollins.com/author/microsite/readingguide.aspx?authorID=6319&displayType=essay&articleId=7868

branie

A priest and a rabbi were having dinner together.

The priest said to the rabbi, "when are you going to let yourself go and have a little bit of ham?"

The rabbi said, "at your wedding, Father."

paulaa

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.

"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

PDN

For several weeks in a row, a congregation was diverted and amused during the sermon by a mouse that would poke its head out from a hole underneath the pulpit. Eventually someone told the preacher what was happening and why people kept smiling during his sermons.

The next Sunday, during the sermon, a woman in one of the front pews broke wind. Those sitting around her began to snigger. The preacher, who hadn't heard the fart, said, "I know what you're all laughing at - but don't worry, next week I'm going to make sure that hole is blocked up for good!"

Keylem

The Supreme Court has ruled that there won't be a Nativity Scene in the Irish Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply haven't been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

snafuk35

A very pious priest suddenly had a crisis of faith and ran off to Las Vegas with the orphanage wheelchair fund. He spent the first week blowing half the money on booze, whores and cocaine. Then he headed for the roulette wheel and was down to $10 after a devastating losing streak. He was otherwise absolutely skint and if he lost the money he had no way of getting home and would be left a destitute beggar.
Suddenly the Devil appeared himself and told him to put the $10 on number 6 black.
The priest did and he won!
The Devil told him to put the prize money on number 6 black again.
The priest did and he won again!
The Devil told him a third time to put all the money on number 6 black.
This time the priest won all the prize money back!
'You jammy git!' said the Devil.

snafuk35

A new biblical passage has been found on in an ancient stone jar found in a cave at Qumram where the Dead Sea Scrolls were uncovered. It has been translated into English for the first time.

'As Jesus was on the cross in his last agonies he cried out 'Peter! Peter!'
Peter who had gone away and wept bitterly took heart and ran to Golgotha.
'I'm come Lord to die with you!' But Jesus cried out again 'Peter! Peter!'
The soldiers who cast lots for Jesus' robe recognised Peter. 'Weren't you with the Galilean?' Peter replied 'Yes!' One of the high priests seized him and cried 'He is a friend of the Nazarene!' Peter shouted 'Yes!' A servant girl pointed at him 'You were in the garden with the blasphemer!' Peter joyously shouted 'Yes! Yes! Let me be crucified with my Lord!' And they took him to the foot of the cross.
Jesus cried out a third time. 'Peter! Peter!'
Peter stripped naked of his garments by the mob thrust himself headlong at the foot of the cross. 'My Lord I am here!'
Jesus cried 'Peter! I can see my house from here!'

JimiTime

A preacher once said to me 'Come forth and be saved'

But I came fifth and won a toaster

lmaopml

JimiTime wrote: »

A preacher once said to me 'Come forth and be saved'

But I came fifth and won a toaster

May the 'fourth' be with you...

I like this thread.

PDN

A man bought a dog that used to belong to a Pentecostal preacher.

He took the dog out for a walk, but it was lagging behind, so he called out, "Heel!"

The dog jumped up, put its front paw on his forehead and barked out, "In the Name of Jesus I rebuke this sickness!"

snafuk35

A pair of bank robbers were surrounded by cops so they started shooting hostages one by one until one of the hostages had enough overpowered one of them, took his gun and shot him and then shot the second criminal.
Naturally God made sure both were sent to Hell.
Satan greats them pleasantly and opened two doors.
'Right guys, you have two choices.'
The first led to a lake of molten lava where they would burn but would not be consumed so they would roast in agony for all eternity.
The second revealed crowds of people standing around drinking coffee and eating donuts except they were up to their waists in sh*t.
'So which one? Quick now!'
The criminals decided to choose the sh*t. The stink was terrible but the coffee was nice and the conversation was good.
After a million years it was really rather nice.
Suddenly they heard the Devil's voice over the PA system.
'Right! Break is over. Back on your heads!'

Splendour

An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?

The worker yelled back. "His wife's here with his lunch''.

muppeteer

Thought ye might get a giggle, yoinked from reddit.

gimmebroadband

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi were fond of debating each other on the relative benefits of their religions.

Finally, a secular friend of the 3 men suggested a test: Each should go into the forest and try to convert a bear to their faith. The 3 religious leaders agreed.

A week later, they met to compare results.

The priest, his right arm in a sling, said: " I found a bear, and he swiped at me and broke my arm; but I grabbed my holy water with my good hand, baptized him on the spot, and we prayed together while I waited for the rescue helicopter."

The preacher, with one arm in a sling, the other in a cast, and bandages swathing his head, said, "Well, in MY church we don't sprinkle NOBODY! I FOUND me a bear, and I RASSLED him into the river, and I IMMERSED and made a BELIEVER of him!!!!!"

They turn to the Rabbi, who is lying in traction, with a brace around his neck and casts on all four limbs; he said, simply, "It seems that circumcision was not the smartest way to start."

homer911

Ok, I'm digging up an old thread, but a friend sent me this and I thought it was worth sharing...

CATHOLIC HORSES!

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

totus tuus

Manach

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

pauldla

This is a old Emo Philips gag..

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Manach

Techie humour:

indy_man

The Apostles are sitting at the table during the last supper and one of them spots a brown paper bag under the table and asks "Whats
that" St Peter looks under the table and says "Oh that's only Judas's Carryout".