Male's Perspective - Friends with Benefits

gem81

Hi,
Looking for some male perspective on Friends with Benefits please. Basically I'm in a situation I never thought I would be in. But wondering from a man's perspective is it always just friends with Benefits's or do men ever develop feelings & want to take it to more. Appreciate your opinions. Thanks for reading.

S23

You do know what a Friends With Benefits concept is right?

So asking here if men ever develop feelings and want to take it to something more sets all sorts of alarm bells off and makes me think you're not exactly in the FWB for the right reasons. If you have agreed that its a FWB scenario and you are secretly hoping/holding on to the hope that it will develop into something more then a) you lied to him about being alright with the FWB situation and b) you are setting yourself up to be heartbroken.

FWB boils down to 'I like you, I think you're attractive, I'd like to f**k you from time to time but I have no interest in developing a traditional romantic relationship with you'. That's basically what the setup is.

I'm taking you want more from the very short post you put up. That's dangerous and you could end up getting emotionally run over if you wait around for it to happen.

Maybe some guys do develop feelings and maybe they don't. Maybe some guys have those feelings reciprocated and maybe they don't. It's not relevant to your particular situation.

If you want more than FWB then clearly you shouldn't be in a purely FWB scenario.

floorpie

I've never known of a FWB situation which has continued for more than a few weeks without one or the other party becoming more emotionally involved than they should have/meant to. I basically don't believe that it's possible, now....seems to me like the emotional situation has to be unequal just for it to begin.

Edit: If you're the one with the feelings, cut your losses, and maybe after a while see how things are with a fresh mind.

Katgurl

I'm a girl and I know you wanted guys opinions BUT if you are hoping the guy in question will develop feelings and he has told you he want fwb agreement then you need to end things now.

I am so tired of listening to my friends berating themselves months down the line for not being good enough for a guy to commit to when he has been clear right from the beginning.

Listen to what he's telling you. If he says h only wants sex, he means it.

gem81

Hi OP here.
Thanks for all the replies.
Ok I am the one now labeling this FWB. It didn't start off as FWB basically we met through a work situation he came on to me etc. We would text & talk every day we did get into some very deep conversations about ex's & him not wanting to rush into anything as he has done this so many times before to discover that was not the right person for him. This was all fine with me, I was happy with his honesty. I have told him I dont want a FWB thing I had 1 before & its not my kind of thing. He has told me its more than that to him.
What ever it is with us has been going on for many months now. We text call regularly (he would initiate this). Talk about whats going on work, what we got up to the weekend etc.. So I'm the one confused as to what it is!
Trying to understand how men think. .
Is it a thing he wants to honestly take it slow (if it is & it might go some where I am happy to take it slowly)
If its just something meaning-less to him I would rather know.
I have no reason not to believe him actually thats probably one of his best qualities his honesty. (My ex-fiance turned out to be a liar & a dirty rat we were together 11yrs so maybe I still dont have 100% trust back in men)
Thanks again & Katgurl thanks for your reply sorry I didn't only want male replies so appreciate your comments too.

I am a friend

So are you sleeping with him?

floorpie

If he wanted more you'd know, put it that way.

gem81

No I have not slept with him but we have had foreplay.

I am a friend

Ok I think its a potential FWB situation... Do you want more from this guy?

I am also in the 'if he wants more you would know about it' camp....:(

floorpie

Oh. Friends with benefits implies sex, i guess. I take back my previous post, maybe he does want to take things slow. :S I'm confused now, i don't see where the FWB thing enters into it. You want it to be more than FWB, but he never said he wanted FWB, and isn't acting like that's the case. I don't get it...

Edit: You're right 'I am a friend', but they've been heart-to-heart talking for months and the furthest it's gone is...oral i presume. Doesn't sound like he's being too manipulative...

I am a friend

All I was saying is that it could turn into a FWB situation easily enough as they are not even having preliminary dates (or no mention has been made of them)....

gem81

Thanks all for the replies. Floorpie think because I'm so confused as to what is going on I just was thinking maybe he does only want FWB but won't say & then I think maybe he does want to take it slow as he has always been very open. He has told me some very personal things that I never asked about.. - Yes the furtherest its gone is oral. Our texts start off normal chit chat then they do get flirty! Trying to understand the way men think they actually seem more confusing than women lol!
He has never said its FWB.

gem81

I am a friend. - No dates

floorpie

I am a friend wrote:

All I was saying is that it could turn into a FWB situation easily enough as they are not even having preliminary dates (or no mention has been made of them)....

Yeah that's true, but they'd basically have to contradict and ignore everything that they've established (emotional closeness) over the last however many months.

I have guy friends who'll do seemingly anything if they've a chance of getting casual sex out of it (i'm not generalizing here), which could include the things that've been described by the OP, but i'm pretty sure they'd have moved on after that length of time.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but it sounds like you're letting trust issues from your ex get in the way a little. How many months does he have to prove himself before you'll give him the benefit of the doubt re not wanting FWB? I mean at this point, in a worst case scenario, wouldn't sex just enhance what you two have, even if it did fizzle out in another few months or something?

I am a friend

Yeah Op... Look I have been around the block for a while and from my experience (underlined cos others will disagree), if a guy is interested in you then you know... Also normally in my experience, if a guy is romantically interested in you, you are not his f-buddy first...

If he wanted more, he would be instigating nights out even on a casual basis. Dont let him telling you personal stuff blindside you from the fact that he is not asking you out.

Sorry for being harsh but I have also wasted a lot of time on guys trying to decipher what they really want when in reality, it was as plain as the nose on my face...

Dont let him sideline you from meeting someone else who is interested in a relationship when he hasnt even told you he likes you.

floorpie

I'm torn, 'I am a friend' is making a convincing argument. But if they're lying on a bed pouring their hearts out, it kind of makes simple dates seem...trivial in comparison, no?

gem81

I am a friend - You are not being harsh at all I asked for opinions & appreciate all responses. You are probably right if he was interested in me properly he would instigate a night out but he hasn't so maybe I can't see the trees from the forest at the moment cause I would like more..

IrishEyes19

i really think its breaks down to.........dating for a while, dating as in going out to the cinema, nights in, walks. Whatever floats your boat and after at the most 4 months, deciding if you want to be exclusive.

From my own experience, thats the general agenda. Having sex the first night, or not until months later, no longer defines much in my opinion either. If he likes you, he will stay with you and progress will appear, ie, friends introducing, meeting his family gradually and being exclusive. if you are still months down the line with no promises and still feeling like the girl on the side. Then its time to lay the road straight and find out where its going or leave.

Ive come to the conclusion there is no greys between the black and white. If I love someone or even like them, I am prepared to look through the small turn offs to see the over all picture and decide then. No guy is any different.

gem81

Floorpie thank you.. Sitting on the sofa chatting ) Simple dates do seem a little trivial but it does make me wonder why we have never even met for a casual drink out in public or coffee. We have never met called or texted each other on a night out (as would happen if it was a booty call) well in my experience which is not a lot. We chat during the day sometimes from morning till night. I am confused. He wasn't out of a r.ship that long (couple of months) after we met. He is a little older than me he is (38). I took him at his word he didnt want to jump into anything from past mistakes which I could totally understand, but this has been going on since about May. .

floorpie

Ok well, like i say, it's not bad to stay thinking critically, but at the same time, the evidence is kind of stacking up that he doesn't simply want FWB (that doesn't necessarily mean he wants a relationship either i suppose, if he's recently out of one). Have you tried taking any initiative with regard to meeting outside of the usual situations, going on dates etc, and if so how did it go?

I am a friend

floorpie wrote: »

the evidence is kind of stacking up that he doesn't simply want FWB (that doesn't necessarily mean he wants a relationship either i suppose).

This is what I think so thats why I am saying to the OP not to hang round waiting for him as he doesnt seem to be making a move either way....

gem81

Think from the replies I have been given it's fairly obvious that he is using me & I have been stupid & blinded by the heart to heart conversations & the kisses on the end of his texts etc..
What a pity he actually seemed like a great guy.
Thanks all x

gem81

floorpie I have said to him that if he wants to meet me he can meet me out for casual coffee or what ever - He said conditions noted!! (what ever that means)

floorpie

gem81 wrote: »

floorpie I have said to him that if he wants to meet me he can meet me out for casual coffee or what ever - He said conditions noted!! (what ever that means)

Oh. Heh. Ok. Lol. I had a post typed out saying 'dont be too hasty with your conclusion', about your previous reply, but then i saw this...

Taltos

gem81 wrote: »

Think from the replies I have been given it's fairly obvious that he is using me & I have been stupid & blinded by the heart to heart conversations & the kisses on the end of his texts etc..
What a pity he actually seemed like a great guy.
Thanks all x

OP - I am unsure how you have come to that conclusion from the advice given so far?

Breaking it down it appears that up to now you have both been in agreement with where this is going so I don't see that he is using you. At any point you could have or can just say "no don't fancy meeting up later".

My suggestion though is to have a sit down serious talk about where this is going preferably before you have sex with the guy. If you want more - then tell him.
However, if he has been badly hurt by a fiancee then yes I would expect him to want to take things very slowly - no-one likes being hurt and maybe he has never gotten past what was done to him.

Just have a chat - see how things lie and move from there.
If he sees a future - then great, if not well as you said you don't want another FB relationship so stop meeting up.

gem81

Sorry conditions noted with kisses on the end but sure that was a week ago altho we stil chat all the time. No mention of meeting up for coffee. Just if I wanted to pop into his when passing on way home from work for a coffee

floorpie

'Conditions noted' could be him just teasing, or him unwittingly pointing out that he's aware that it's not going to go further than it has. I think Taltos has it right...you'll just have to talk about it

I am a friend

gem81 wrote: »

Think from the replies I have been given it's fairly obvious that he is using me & I have been stupid & blinded by the heart to heart conversations & the kisses on the end of his texts etc..
What a pity he actually seemed like a great guy.
Thanks all x

Whoa horsey... Where did you get he was using you from? You werent stupid or blinded - all we were saying is that he hadnt made a move so not to waste time exclusively on him....

What did you text him?

gem81

Thanks Taltos. He was never engaged. It was me that was engaged. He ended his last relationship but I do know at the end of his r.ship things were not taken to well.
I will ask him to meet for coffee & chat don't really want to do it over the phone. I'll try it that way at least I am not trying to work out what he is thinking. If it's not going any where suppose it's better to know now than further down the line! Thanks again

gem81

What did you text him?[/QUOTE]
I am a friend what did I text him when?

I am a friend

gem81 wrote: »

I will ask him to meet for coffee & chat don't really want to do it over the phone. I'll try it that way at least I am not trying to work out what he is thinking.

Thats a great plan.. Best of luck and cant wait to hear how you get on.

gem81

Thanks all. Not really looking forward to it. Don't want him to feel pressured! That's not my intent just to know where we stand. .

I am a friend

Well just keep it quite casual... What are you thinking of saying to him?

gem81

Not really sure at the moment. I am going to have to be careful how I phrase it. Any advice

I am a friend

God I am sorry i dont.... Maybe you could ask here how to phrase it and get some good advice...

Taltos

OP - sorry for the confusion around engagement.

In terms of the coffee - just keep it light and keep smiling.
Just play it safe - be clear - anything else can just be misunderstood.

Let him know that you really like him and that you would just like to know how he feels.
Then if necessary re-iterate that you are not into the casual scene and you don't want to lead him on, so if he really just wants a casual relationship maybe you both should take some time apart to think about things - this puts the onus on to him and is not really a blunt ultimatum - but lets him know you can't continue as is.

Remember do you best to try to stay cheerful - if it works out brilliant - if not well then at least you won't spend more time chasing after a relationship that is not going to materialise.

Beruthiel

gem81 wrote: »

Thanks all. Not really looking forward to it. Don't want him to feel pressured! .

You know him since May. That's seven months.
I do not believe you are pressuring someone after 7 months. After that amount of time he knows exactly what he wants from you.

How do you phrase it?
Am I just a fuk buddy to you or do you see this as an actual relationship.

That is blunt I know, but you will know for sure one way or another.
After seven months, you don't need to be faffing around any longer.

S23

This thread is extremely confusing. Talks of FWB when they haven't had sex. Talks of relationships when they've never been out together in public.

What I will say is I agree with Beruthiel. If you know this bloke 7 months you should be more than capable of asking him to go out for a coffee without it being a big deal and you feeling like you might be 'pressuring' him. You've been in contact constantly for 7 months ffs!

I'm also quite wary of the 'conditions noted' text regardless of how many x's it had at the end. The one time you have previously mentioned meeting in public he felt the need to make a remark about 'conditions noted'. I might be losing something in translation or between the lines but that remark doesn't sit well with me.

Ask him out for a coffee. Simple. It isn't a heavy thing to do. If he's reluctant then that'll tell you a lot because it's something he should say yes to pretty much immediately. If he can't go today or tomorrow fine but he should be willing and able to do it relatively quickly

7 months is far too long a time to not have a clue where you stand

gem81

gem81 wrote: »

Hi OP here.
This was all fine with me, I was happy with his honesty.

Trying to understand how men think. .

gem81 wrote: »

Think from the replies I have been given it's fairly obvious that he is using me & I have been stupid & blinded by the heart to heart conversations & the kisses on the end of his texts etc..
What a pity he actually seemed like a great guy.
Thanks all x

Are you actually serious?
It never ceases to amaze me how some women refuse to have a basic conversation with their boyfriends and then come on HERE talking about how men are hard to understand. And now you're jumping to "i'm being used"?

I'm glad to hear you're finally sitting him down for coffee and talking about this.
WHatever you do , do not go down the "being used" route. You can hardly blame the man for being unclear when you've also been refusing to talk to him about it.

Beruthiel

bluewolf wrote: »

WHatever you do , do not go down the "being used" route.

Indeed.
You were not used if you were a willing participant.
Can't stand the way women decide they were used when they did not make any effort to understand what was going on.

Blokes, for the most part, are very obvious in their intentions.
They do not tend to have ulterior motives. Some women just over think everything.

I am a friend

gem81 wrote: »

floorpie I have said to him that if he wants to meet me he can meet me out for casual coffee or what ever - He said conditions noted!! (what ever that means)

I thought you had just texted him this

gem81

Thanks for your comment bluewolf.

bluewolf wrote: »

Are you actually serious?
It never ceases to amaze me how some women refuse to have a basic conversation with their boyfriends and then come on HERE talking about how men are hard to understand. And now you're jumping to "i'm being used"?
He is not my boyfriend. I was only asking for opinions on here some feedback. To see if people had the same opinion as me or if I was reading too much into it as I am fully aware that woman read too much into things. So I was trying to see it from an outside perspective.


I'm glad to hear you're finally sitting him down for coffee and talking about this.
WHatever you do , do not go down the "being used" route. You can hardly blame the man for being unclear when you've also been refusing to talk to him about it.

He is not my boyfriend. I was only asking for opinions on here some feedback. To see if people had the same opinion as me or if I was reading too much into it as I am fully aware that woman read too much into things. So I was trying to see it from an outside perspective.

I apologise "used" is such a strong word & I shouldn't have used it. I take it back. Not really the word I was looking for but I have said that I did tell him out straight I am not into FWB's type thing.

S23

Yeah you told him you're not into FWB .... and?

You haven't had sex with him right? So you've made your stance on FWB clear. So he knows your not into it. And he hasn't asked for it. So what's the issue in this specific instance then?

gem, you haven't had sex.
You talk all the time and have deep conversations.
This is very far removed from FWB. I don't know what you think FWB is, but this isn't it.
Stop obsessing over FWB, honestly, and just have the talk with him about what you want and what does he want.

Miss Fluff

gem81 wrote: »

floorpie I have said to him that if he wants to meet me he can meet me out for casual coffee or what ever - He said conditions noted!! (what ever that means)

Didn't you start a thread on this about a week ago as well? Nothing has really changed has it? There was a few days silence and then he started texting again didn't he? My advice still stands, you're totally wasting your time. If he was keen on you and wanted you to be his girlfriend then you'd know all about it.

Right now you're providing him with a shoulder to cry on and no strings oral. Since May. I'd be putting an end to it if I were you - he's evidently wrecking your head.

floorpie

I am a friend wrote: »

I thought you had just texted him this

Na, that was in response to me asking if she's ever taken the initiative and asked him out first.

I've been thinking about it, and i can't conjure up any connotations for 'conditions noted' other than highlighting that he was aware that you were probably going to want to develop things, to some extent. I don't think i'm unique in teasing/prodding a girl with stuff that i know will rile her up mildly if i like her (like the verbal equivalent of that cliched boy-pulling-pigtails thing) but i can't even imagine any jokey/bastardy meaning for it. Conditions noted?! Conditions for receiving oral, for being listened to? The condition being a cup of coffee? It's weird.

Just talk about it with him; like someone else said, after 7 months of texting, talking, oral, meeting for coffee should be a walk in the park. Don't worry about him feeling pressured, if he wants things to develop then it wont be 'pressure', and if he doesn't want things to develop, then it's better to just get it out of the way and into the open, and who'd care if he's pressured in that case.

floorpie

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Didn't you start a thread on this about a week ago as well? Nothing has really changed has it? There was a few days silence and then he started texting again didn't he? My advice still stands, you're totally wasting your time. If he was keen on you and wanted you to be his girlfriend then you'd know all about it.

Right now you're providing him with a shoulder to cry on and no strings oral. Since May. I'd be putting an end to it if I were you - he's evidently wrecking your head.

Yeah, if Miss Fluff is right then it doesn't sound promising. She's also touching on something i wasn't sure whether to mention or not: i think it's pretty common to (subconsciously) emotionally latch on to someone after a break up as a part of the recovery process, though you might have no intention of it going further than it just being a sort-of crutch. I'm not saying that's what he's done...

S23

Wow I missed the bit about the oral. So he doesn't have to go out in public with her ever. Instead he listens and nods and smiles intently when they are together in private and he gets a blowjob for it. Sorry to sound crass and not sugar coat it but that's what it comes down to.

I'm sure there are no end of men who would be more than happy to have 'deep and meaningfuls' if they knew they were going to get blown at the end of it.

I missed that too
now i'm just confused

floorpie

S23 wrote: »

Wow I missed the bit about the oral. So he doesn't have to go out in public with her ever. Instead he listens and nods and smiles intently when they are together in private and he gets a blowjob for it. Sorry to sound crass and not sugar coat it but that's what it comes down to.

I'm sure there are no end of men who would be more than happy to have 'deep and meaningfuls' if they knew they were going to get blown at the end of it.

It's worse than that, the opposite even, she made a point of pointing out that he initiates text conversations, tells her personal things that she never asked about etc, so she's the one smiling and nodding....

(which is why i pointed out about the emotional-latching some people do after a break up)

I am a friend

I think you are being hard on her people... We dont know how often they hooked up and she just wants to know what to do next. she has agreed to talk to him (which isnt easy) so rather than lambaste her, it would be nice to give her some advice on how to approach it.