Friend and a "weighty" issue

LegacyUser · 07-12-2011 2:12am #1

I have a friend who has always been a big girl. The last year however she has put on 4 stone, she is 22 stone atm. Her weights never seemed to bother her but latley shes been getting down about it because she cant get pregnant.

Her doctor has told her that her weight is affecting her chances of getting pregnant yet she is not doing anything about it. She is on anti depressants atm and has told me she cries herself to sleep because she cant get pregnant.

So basically we sat her down last month and told her we were worried about her,
that it was a vicious cycle she was in overweight = cant concieve = making her depressed and she seemed to get it. So she said she was starting a diet and exercise programme that Monday and said she would join the gym I am in and come with me.

Monday came and she wasnt answering her phone at gym time ,Same Tuesday, didnt hear from her till friday when she asked me was i going out. I asked her why she had been ignoring me all week and she said she hadnt felt like the gym and stop pressuring her. Then an hour later she text saying "Ill go Monday with you"

Next Monday wouldnt answer again, same for next 2 days so i text her saying i wasnt calling her anymore to go gym because she wasnt answering me and i got an angry message 4 hours later saying "Some friend you are I thought you were going to support me on my diet.

Next day out of the blue got a text saying "Are we going gym " So we went up to the gym, we were only working out for 10 minutes and she started moaning that she was tired and started on at me to "Hurry up"

I told her to go home if she wanted, but i was staying for a while as i had not paid to get in just to do 10 minutes workout and got back that "She doesnt appriciate being put under pressure to lose weight"

After gym i went into town to do some shopping and went into a cafe for a coffee and my friend was sitting inside with her husband and she eating a fry up. She looked up, saw me and called me over.

This was the conversation

Her : Are you following me?
Me : WHAT???
Her : You are off putting pressure on me to lose weight again, I cant even have a ****ing treat in a cafe without you follwing me and giving me guilt trips
Me : What the hell you on about, I came in here for a coffee
Her : Im giving up my diet, I am so sick of you asking me to go to the gym with you
Me :Your the one bawling to me about your weight and im just trying to help you with it. I wont bother in future.
Her : Some friend you are you want me to be fat

I just walked out of the cafe!

Got a text an hour later "Sorry just a bit stressed, we going gym tomorrow"??

My heads melted

shes made excuses/avoided me so as not to go gym
when ive stopped asking her to go she calls me a bad friend
she goes once and starts complaing and leaves after 10 mins
I catch her eating a fry up and get screamed at

Am i just flogging a dead horse here, when i try help her she doesnt want it and when i dont help her she freaks on me!

Sittingpretty · 07-12-2011 9:07am

weightyissue wrote: »

I have a friend who has always been a big girl. The last year however she has put on 4 stone, she is 22 stone atm. Her weights never seemed to bother her but latley shes been getting down about it because she cant get pregnant.

Her doctor has told her that her weight is affecting her chances of getting pregnant yet she is not doing anything about it. She is on anti depressants atm and has told me she cries herself to sleep because she cant get pregnant.

So basically we sat her down last month and told her we were worried about her,
that it was a vicious cycle she was in overweight = cant concieve = making her depressed and she seemed to get it. So she said she was starting a diet and exercise programme that Monday and said she would join the gym I am in and come with me.

Monday came and she wasnt answering her phone at gym time ,Same Tuesday, didnt hear from her till friday when she asked me was i going out. I asked her why she had been ignoring me all week and she said she hadnt felt like the gym and stop pressuring her. Then an hour later she text saying "Ill go Monday with you"

Next Monday wouldnt answer again, same for next 2 days so i text her saying i wasnt calling her anymore to go gym because she wasnt answering me and i got an angry message 4 hours later saying "Some friend you are I thought you were going to support me on my diet.

Next day out of the blue got a text saying "Are we going gym " So we went up to the gym, we were only working out for 10 minutes and she started moaning that she was tired and started on at me to "Hurry up"

I told her to go home if she wanted, but i was staying for a while as i had not paid to get in just to do 10 minutes workout and got back that "She doesnt appriciate being put under pressure to lose weight"

After gym i went into town to do some shopping and went into a cafe for a coffee and my friend was sitting inside with her husband and she eating a fry up. She looked up, saw me and called me over.

This was the conversation

Her : Are you following me?
Me : WHAT???
Her : You are off putting pressure on me to lose weight again, I cant even have a ****ing treat in a cafe without you follwing me and giving me guilt trips
Me : What the hell you on about, I came in here for a coffee
Her : Im giving up my diet, I am so sick of you asking me to go to the gym with you
Me :Your the one bawling to me about your weight and im just trying to help you with it. I wont bother in future.
Her : Some friend you are you want me to be fat

I just walked out of the cafe!

Got a text an hour later "Sorry just a bit stressed, we going gym tomorrow"??

My heads melted

shes made excuses/avoided me so as not to go gym
when ive stopped asking her to go she calls me a bad friend
she goes once and starts complaing and leaves after 10 mins
I catch her eating a fry up and get screamed at

Am i just flogging a dead horse here, when i try help her she doesnt want it and when i dont help her she freaks on me!

Honestly, she's not really committed and I personally wouldn't give any more of my time to her until she proves otherwise.

Penn · 07-12-2011 9:39am

She's the one that needs to make this change. As much as you'd like to help her, it's really all up to her. If she asks you about the gym, let her know when you're going in advance. Don't commit to meeting her there, just say when you're going. If she shows up, help her as much as possible, but don't push her too hard. Maybe get her to ask an instructor at the gym to give her a fitness assessment. She needs to ease herself into it and learn to enjoy (or at least, not hate) what she's doing. You have your own gym routine to think of too.

As for diet, again, that's up to her. You couldn't have known she was in that cafe eating a fry, that was her over-reaction. But the fact she over-reacted shows she knows she shouldn't have been eating it. Again, this is a problem for her and her own temptations.

There's only so much you can do. If she quits the gym after 10 minutes and gets a fry as a 'treat', she has bigger problems than you can help her with. What she really needs is diet and exercise advice from a professional, maybe a personal trainer at the gym. If she can stick with it for a few weeks, seeing herself losing weight would hopefully be enough motivation for her to stick at it.

As much as you'd like to help her, the only way she's going to stick at it is if it's her choice.

What's her husband's opinion on all this? If she's trying to lose weight so she can get pregnant, he shouldn't be sitting in a cafe with her while she eats a fry.

silly · 07-12-2011 10:10am

To be honest I think the gym is the wrong place for her to be going. Its too much for her so early on! No wonder she can only last 10 mins, he body isnt used to it!
I'm not very over weight, but I would be very self conscious going into a gym. With fit people working out on all sorts of machines that I don't have a clue about.

And I think, you, as her friend should be suggesting walks, even 20 min walk every second eve to start. She needs to start slowly. Once she sees results after a few weeks that will spur her on.

You could look online for healthy recipes and tell her you have them if she wants them. Let it be up to her. Even invite her for a healthy lunch/dinner.

If she is your friend you cannot give up on her. She is her own worst enemy at the moment. And to be honest, if she's depressed you need to be there to support her, no matter how much she resists it.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2011 10:10am

I've found that most overweight people trying to lose weight completely miss the point of "healthy living".

I'm under 12 stone and 6 ft so not fat but I continue to live healthily for all sorts of reasons. Lower cholesterol, less chance of heart disease, slimmer figure and feeling stronger physically and mentally.

Firstly, if she's 22 stone and only bothered that it is hindering her ability to conceive, she doesn't realise how big she is or care about it.

Secondly, she obviously doesn't see exercise as a way of losing weight and thinks that diet is what will work for her. If she doesn't count her calories, she will never lose weight.

Thirdly, she hasn't educated herself about how to lose weight. I know loads of people who say they want to lose weight. They buy "low fat" foods and have "treats" every night without realising that the fat and sugar contained within would take them ages to work off through exercise (if they ever bothered with that).

Do your own thing. If she wants to join you she will.

Until she takes responsibility for her health, she will never change.

That responsibility includes what you buy to eat, what you decide to eat, the amount of time you will commit to exercise etc....

And if she does give birth, her child will more than likely have weight issues.

Miss Fluff · 07-12-2011 10:11am

You seem like a really good friend but this really is her issue and it's up to her to sort it out. It's totally uncalled for her giving you dogs abuse for trying to help her, she is evidently deeply unhappy with herself and is taking it out on those closest to her. Recommend this website to her www.myfitnesspal.com or point her in the direction of the Health & Fitness forums here on Boards and then let her get on with it. I wouldn't be putting myself out by arranging to meet at the gym etc - this really should be a personal journey for her and she should want to help herself. Sounds to me like if you continue on the way you're going you will probably fall out irreparably

Pebbles68 · 07-12-2011 10:32am

In truth, she's not really angry with you. When I was over weight I blamed the world, my OH and anyone who dared to offer advice. I was really angry with myself and took it out on everyone else. I had myself convinced that society and glossy magazines were at fault for promoting skinny models and that my OH should love me for me not my body. You name it, I blamed it, I was an over weight cliche.

In your friends case not being able to get pregnant is adding to the emotional roller coaster. Honestly, there is no point in even trying to have a rational conversation with her when emotion kicks in. She is your friend and it may be hard to take her aggression when she is throwing abuse at you, but knowing what's going on at an emotional/psychological level may help you. All you can do is support and encourage when she asks for help and do/say nothing when she goes into head wreck mode. I know it's not easy(I dished out enough abuse in my day) but hey, what are friends for?

I agree with silly. The gym is probably too intimidating. Go for walks instead. At least that way your friend is not surrounded by slim young "things"(that's not the word I used use) wearing lycra to remind her how overweight she is.

Neyite · 07-12-2011 2:26pm

The gym is a very intimidating place for the very unfit. I went twice. At about €500 membership that I paid, that was about 250 for 30 mins on a treadmill and a bit of a swim.

I was trying to concieve - Yes its not easy to change your lifestyle but if you really really want a baby, you have to make the effort. I quit the fags, cut down on drink, had a long hard look at my diet and exercise and made changes - and thats me at a size 10. I know that at her size, it seems like such a far off goal to be a healthy weight, but if she wants to have her baby, she needs to make a start somewhere.

The way she rewards herself with something after a 10 mins effort is also revealing - you reward yourself when you do something you dread beforehand, and work hard during the event like letting off steam after studying hard for 6 months and aceing an exam. Thats not the way to view exercise.

Irrespective of her problems - you are not her dartboard when she wants to scream at someone. I would let her steam for a day or two, then make it clear that she should apologise for the way that she spoke to you (because speaking to a friend like that is unacceptable) then if she wants help, start off small - 30 mins brisk walk 3 times a week, small changes to her diet gradually, such as eating her 5 fruit & veg a day, cutting down gradually on booze or caffiene, and drinking more water.

The couch to 5k is a great program designed to start you gradually off on walking/running. There is a great thread in The ladies lounge on it where you can find podcasts and other women sharing their experiences.

tinkerbell · 07-12-2011 2:38pm

To be honest OP, I wouldn't bother anymore. She's treating you horribly!! She's blaming it all on you, that would be the last straw for me. If she wants to lose weight, let her at it. She clearly doesn't care if she's eating a big fry up after 10 mins in the gym. It's not worth the stress.

Ray Palmer · 07-12-2011 2:42pm

You never should really try to fix other people's problems. Be supportive and help them when they ask but you aren't her keeper. Gym is probably a bad idea and as said walking is a much better option.

The anger is her own issue as she know she is at fault and it is running over and over her head and you just are the trigger to release it. She obviously wants somebody to do it for her hence the swinging back and forth with comments about you not being her friend.

Sounds like addiction and or immaturity. You make your plans and is she turns up fine if she doesn't that is fine too but make sure she knows it is her own responsibility .

I am a friend · 07-12-2011 2:45pm

tinkerbell wrote: »

To be honest OP, I wouldn't bother anymore. She's treating you horribly!! She's blaming it all on you, that would be the last straw for me. If she wants to lose weight, let her at it. She clearly doesn't care if she's eating a big fry up after 10 mins in the gym. It's not worth the stress.

I agree with this.. She is high maintenance and I would tell her the same if she came bawling for me again.. tell her she is whinging to you about her weight and then eating the face off you over nothing... She is attention seeking and you are getting the rough end of it...

Do your own thing and if she wants to join in then fine... At the end of the day she is choosing her behaviour i.e. eating and not exercising, so she only has herself to blame.

gypsy_rose · 07-12-2011 3:42pm

silly wrote: »

To be honest I think the gym is the wrong place for her to be going. Its too much for her so early on! No wonder she can only last 10 mins, he body isnt used to it!
I'm not very over weight, but I would be very self conscious going into a gym. With fit people working out on all sorts of machines that I don't have a clue about.

And I think, you, as her friend should be suggesting walks, even 20 min walk every second eve to start. She needs to start slowly. Once she sees results after a few weeks that will spur her on.

You could look online for healthy recipes and tell her you have them if she wants them. Let it be up to her. Even invite her for a healthy lunch/dinner.

If she is your friend you cannot give up on her. She is her own worst enemy at the moment. And to be honest, if she's depressed you need to be there to support her, no matter how much she resists it.

There's only so much she can do for her, there's being a friend and there's just being walked all over, why should she drag her friend to the gym and advise her on her diet if all she's going to get is abuse and struggle? The only person who is going to lose that weight for her is her, to be honest if it's coming in between her and the possibility of getting pregnant she really needs to grow up and take accountability for herself instead of blaming everyone else. I think her friend has done great so far in trying to help her, she has a lot of patience

silly · 07-12-2011 3:48pm

gypsy_rose wrote: »

There's only so much she can do for her, there's being a friend and there's just being walked all over, why should she drag her friend to the gym and advise her on her diet if all she's going to get is abuse and struggle? The only person who is going to lose that weight for her is her, to be honest if it's coming in between her and the possibility of getting pregnant she really needs to grow up and take accountability for herself instead of blaming everyone else. I think her friend has done great so far in trying to help her, she has a lot of patience

if you could re-read the first line of my post I clearly say that I didn't think the gym is the best idea. So I wasn't suggesting she should "drag her to the gym".
I think a friend is a friend through good and bad. She obviously has issues and depression is mentioned. I would never give up on a friend if I thought they had some sort of depression. I would rethink ways to help them.
Which is why I suggested walks instead of gyms. Tbh I think it's very insensitive to expect s very over weight person to go to a gum and work out for more than 10 mins on the first visit. Gyms IMO are very intimidating.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2011 4:51pm

Hi all thanks for your replies.

This woman is 27 years old just in case anyone was wondering.

In regards to what her husband thinks Im sure he gets the brunt of it too if he opens his mouth, he is not as into children as she is which is prob why she is more upset about it than he is.

I work out 6 days a week in the mornings because i work nights, if she was ignoring my calls about the gym i dont really want to go out of my way to do an extra walk a day to motivate her if she is just going to ignore it. Hope that doesnt sound selfish but i have my own routine and life.

It was her idea to do the gym, i never mentioned the gym to her, she started asking questions about my gym as it helped me lose a few stone and then decided she wanted to join. The day she came up with me she was coming in as my guest on a trial (im a member) and she made a show of me moaning and complaining in the gym, the trainers kept throwing her dirty looks, and it was embarassing.

When i try to help her and i get "Stop pressurung me"

When i stop trying to help her i get "Your supposed to support me, you just want me to stay fat"

Either way im getting pretty sick of this.

I am a friend · 07-12-2011 5:25pm

weightyissue wrote: »

Either way im getting pretty sick of this.

Tell her that. She needs to face reality and its not fair taking it out on other people.... Before anyone jumps down my throat, I had about 2 stone to lose a couple of years ago and managed to do it but it was my fault I hadnt lost it in years - not anyone elses.

07-12-2011 6:09pm

I am a friend wrote: »

Tell her that. She needs to face reality and its not fair taking it out on other people....

I think if you really want to help her. This is the best you can do.
Until she devolps the self awareness, to admit and accept accountability for the actions that got her that way in the first place. She is never going to lose weight.

I wouldn,t be bothered if I were you though. I think you,ll only get abuse for it.

cafecolour · 07-12-2011 8:07pm

She's massively overweight, no self-control/no self-discipline, insanely passive aggressive, and snaps at people when they're trying to help? And her husband doesn't really want kids? Honestly, I hope she doesn't conceive, because that's a horrible environment to bring a child into.

You've had the patience of job to deal with her so far. It's not your problem.

As said in earlier post though, she's too fat to start with the gym (she probably would legitimately be tired after 10 minutes), she really should start with walks outside first.

However, I think the person taking her on those walks should be her husband, not you.

Neyite · 07-12-2011 10:36pm

weightyissue wrote: »

Hi all thanks for your replies.

This woman is 27 years old just in case anyone was wondering.

In regards to what her husband thinks Im sure he gets the brunt of it too if he opens his mouth, he is not as into children as she is which is prob why she is more upset about it than he is.

I work out 6 days a week in the mornings because i work nights, if she was ignoring my calls about the gym i dont really want to go out of my way to do an extra walk a day to motivate her if she is just going to ignore it. Hope that doesnt sound selfish but i have my own routine and life.

It was her idea to do the gym, i never mentioned the gym to her, she started asking questions about my gym as it helped me lose a few stone and then decided she wanted to join. The day she came up with me she was coming in as my guest on a trial (im a member) and she made a show of me moaning and complaining in the gym, the trainers kept throwing her dirty looks, and it was embarassing.

When i try to help her and i get "Stop pressurung me"

When i stop trying to help her i get "Your supposed to support me, you just want me to stay fat"

Either way im getting pretty sick of this.

You have your answer there really - you have your routine, and it works for you. She tried it, didnt like it and tore into you because she is jealous that you stuck with it and she wont even try. Her excess weight wont magically disappear, and neither can someone else lose it for her.

Its a shame she is so unhappy, but she is doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to help herself here, and blaming others such as her husband and her friends is ultimately futile. I'd stay well out of it in future. By all means when she says she is starting a diet be enthusiastic and supportive of her, but dont ask her how she is getting on with it. Ditto for exercise.

beks101 · 08-12-2011 2:55am

To be honest, if it was me I would just refuse point-blank to talk to her about weight, gym, diet etc from now on.

I know that seems harsh, but it's obviously an emotional issue for her, one that she's clearly not willing to face up to and deal with just yet, and your willingness to be proactive and actually help her has been thrown back in your face thus far. That's just not going to change without some serious self-evaluating and decision making on her part - something you just can't help with.

It's such a cliche, but you really can't lose the weight for her. I'm sure you know yourself as you've been through it - no amount of help or support will shift weight unless a personal commitment has been made, and she's nowhere near there yet. You 'nagging' her about the gym and her 'failing' over and over again, is going to do nothing but draw a wedge between the two of you, and may affect your friendship if it continues.

So I'd end it, full stop, if it was me. Don't indulge her, don't say a thing if she starts harping on about it. Let her take the first step herself, establish her own routine, find her own motivation and become more matter-of-fact than emotional about her weight, and maybe then you can enjoy your fitness together.

Hanley · 08-12-2011 10:30am

I just got linked to this thread and would like to offer some advice - if anyone lurks around the fitness forum they'll vouch for me.

She doesn't need to go to the gym yet - to be honest it's probably going to hurt her in the long run. Two reasons for that:

1) the level of calorie burn, and thus fat loss, from such a short time in the gym will have literally no impact on her overall weight - so she ends up demotivated because her efforts are going unrewarded

2) being in the gym may make her more likely to over eat as she feels like it's allowed since she's "worked out" and burned some calories, which can then lead to further weight gain

At her current level, tweaking the diet is key. But try not to overload her becase if you throw too much at her you'll just make it seem like a mountain that can't be climbed.

A 10-20 minute walk 3-5x per week is a good start, especially for someone so deconditonined - "break them in, without breaking them" is the key mantra for training heavily obese people. They tend to be so exercise-phobic that if you ask them to do too much, or make it seem too hard they'll stop before they even try. So the ramp up needs to be SO gradual. Not that it really matters because most of the changs will comes from...

...diet manipulation. Don't even worry about calories at this stage. Just try to get her to eat meat and veg, nuts and seeds, fruit, a small bit of starch and no sugar. If it comes in a cardboard box or is frozen, it's probably not the best starting point.

Even something as simple as having some eggs for breakfast instead of cereal, a salad for lunch instead of sandwich, and snacking on some fruit or a small handful of nuts can be a good start. In fact, snacking is the best approach to take in my opinion because it means she'll be less likely to end up massively hungry at any point, will stabilise blood glucose levels, normalise insulin levels (ish) and mean she probably won't put away 1,000+kcals in a single sitting because of cravings.

Anyway, I can't speak to her state of mind, just some simple practical instructions that may help. If anyone wants clarification, post up or PM me.

Penn · 08-12-2011 10:35am

cafecolour wrote: »

As said in earlier post though, she's too fat to start with the gym (she probably would legitimately be tired after 10 minutes), she really should start with walks outside first.

I'd somewhat disagree with that to be honest. Walking is great exercise, no doubt about it. But even at her weight there's no reason she shouldn't be able to go to the gym. I was intimidated when I first joined the gym, but after one session, it stopped. People won't stare at you or anything, everyone does their own thing. And if she was legitimately tired after 10 minutes, she's not doing it properly. She needs a programme set up by a trainer. If she's that heavy, any bit of exercise she does will make her lose weight. They could do up a program for her and start her off slowly and gradually build up.

If it's a psychological thing (intimidated by fitter girls, paranoid people are looking at her), that's something she's going to have to get over eventually anyway. I was getting close to 20stone when I started back at the gym during the summer, and I've lost nearly 4stone. People at the gym tend to only focus on one thing, what they're doing, or what their friends are doing. Nobody really pays attention to anyone else.

And I have loads of respect for overweight people who go to the gym, because it shows they're trying to change and trying to get healthy.

OP, I agree you shouldn't have to change your own routine too much to suit her. The onus is on her to change. You say you've lost weight yourself, so you can give her lots of advice and help. Compromise and help her when you think you can, but she's the one who needs to make sacrifices, not you.

Hanley · 08-12-2011 10:52am

Penn wrote: »

I'd somewhat disagree with that to be honest. Walking is great exercise, no doubt about it. But even at her weight there's no reason she shouldn't be able to go to the gym. I was intimidated when I first joined the gym, but after one session, it stopped. People won't stare at you or anything, everyone does their own thing. And if she was legitimately tired after 10 minutes, she's not doing it properly. She needs a programme set up by a trainer. If she's that heavy, any bit of exercise she does will make her lose weight. They could do up a program for her and start her off slowly and gradually build up.

All nice in theory, but when you're a 22 stone girl they're VERY real concerns and she's enough reasons not to exercise already without adding more onto it.

Depending on her base level of fitness, which I assume is fairly not existent given her weight, 10 minutes of even walking could wiper her out.

As for "any bit of exercise causing weight loss" it's not really true either sadly. Typically in people of that size you see massively elevated blood glucose levels caused by insulin resistance and a whole host of other hormonal factors, and it's that from which energy is generated, not fat stores. Which is another reason why dialing in the diet first is aboslutely crucial.

If anyone is so inclined, this series is absolutely stunningly insightful http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/fat-loss/training-the-obese-beginner.html

Logical Fallacy · 08-12-2011 12:26pm

I agree with Hanley, the guy is talking a lot of sense there.

When someone is very, very overweight the general issue to tackle is diet and eating habits. The concept of going to the gym, while fantastic, is really kind of moot. Someone who weighs 22 stone has done a lot more damage to themselves with their eating pattern and this is the first thing that should be sorted out.

Generally speaking if a person can make decent gains on their goal by changing their diet it gives them the motivation and focus to take things to the next level.

LegacyUser · 08-12-2011 12:44pm

Hi all thanks again for your replies.

I called over to her last night, sat her down and explained everything to her.
I told her i was in a no win situation with her as 1 minute shes saying im pressuring her,
then the next minute saying i wont help her.That it was her idea to go gym then she avoids me so as not to go etc

She got angry again (typical) and started on with the "Your pressuring me again" senario. I ended up giving out to her- told her that i was not pressuring her, that she was the one who told me to call her when i was going gym (and apparantly thats pressuring her)
and she was the one screaming saying i was not supporting her when its all i have been doing.

She then informed me she didnt care anymore about her weight and to leave her alone and not to mention it again. I said fine but dont come crying to me about your weight because it will be thrown back in my face.

And i got "I cant believe you came to my house to put more pressure on me to go gym"

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM STILL FUMING!!!!!!!!

neuro-praxis · 08-12-2011 1:59pm

To get to 22 stone she might well have an eating disorder. It would be very hard to reach that weight without a lot of secret eating and binging. In which case a psychological approach first might aid the weight loss. Just wanted to throw that in there.

daisybelle2008 · 08-12-2011 2:06pm

OP, your instinct is telling you to step away from this subject with her, that is why your head is melted and you are sick of the situation. No matter what your friend says she really does not want your help. It is going to feel like pressure, expectation and stress to her. I would tell her something like 'I love you no matter what weight you are and just want you to be happy and not feel pressured by me, I will not longer be discussing the weight issue with you as I don't want our friendship to suffer'. Keep it simple and don't get dragged into a big emotional discussion about it. Leave it at that and never discuss it with her again. If getting preggers is not enough of an incentive, believe me that you weighing in with 'couchto5K and recommending diet websites is only going to backfire and you will be the bad guy when she gets frustrated with herself.

You have a lot of advise here on how she should lose weight. I would ignore it all. I have smoked off and on for a few years, and am always giving up or planning too! Imagine there was a thread here made my one of my friends getting loads of advise on how Daisybelle should give up the fags, and then they come to me with that advise! It would have me reaching for a sneaky fag with the pressure of their expectation. I already know how to give up the fags. There are a million ways to do it. I am well able to seek out one and choose one but only when I am good and ready to quit. She is well able to seek out a way to lose weight when she is ready. She is not ready or else she would be doing it!!!

She needs to take responsibility for her own weight loss, your involvement does not help and is going to frustrate both of ye further just like it is now.

Really, any further involvement is not going to end well!. With the pregnancy thing in the mix, I would not be touching this issue with a sh*tty stick.

Logical Fallacy · 08-12-2011 3:19pm

ophere wrote: »

Hi all thanks again for your replies.

I called over to her last night, sat her down and explained everything to her.
I told her i was in a no win situation with her as 1 minute shes saying im pressuring her,
then the next minute saying i wont help her.That it was her idea to go gym then she avoids me so as not to go etc

She got angry again (typical) and started on with the "Your pressuring me again" senario. I ended up giving out to her- told her that i was not pressuring her, that she was the one who told me to call her when i was going gym (and apparantly thats pressuring her)
and she was the one screaming saying i was not supporting her when its all i have been doing.

She then informed me she didnt care anymore about her weight and to leave her alone and not to mention it again. I said fine but dont come crying to me about your weight because it will be thrown back in my face.

And i got "I cant believe you came to my house to put more pressure on me to go gym"

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM STILL FUMING!!!!!!!!

Look, at this point you just have to leave her to her own devices. She is obviously pissed off and upset about her predicament and her inability to change things.

The simple fact is that you don't need to put up with that kind of ****. You are her friend, you are not beholden to her ever move and mood.

Sometimes people think that you prove a friendship by putting up with their bull****, so if she ends up in the zone it's better to just walk away tbh.

curlzy · 08-12-2011 3:33pm

Hey OP,

Has she tried weightwatchers? I know a few people that swear by it because you're in with other people and get support and praise when you do well. Maybe not for her but sure why not give it a go? I feel sorry for you, it must be very hard to watch someone you love doing that to themselves and then get all the emotional distress puked all over you when you try to help. You do sound like a good friend though, don't let her make you loose that lovely part of yourself.

Best of luck to you and her.

daisybelle2008 · 08-12-2011 4:01pm

ophere wrote: »

Hi all thanks again for your replies.

I called over to her last night, sat her down and explained everything to her.
I told her i was in a no win situation with her as 1 minute shes saying im pressuring her,
then the next minute saying i wont help her.That it was her idea to go gym then she avoids me so as not to go etc

She got angry again (typical) and started on with the "Your pressuring me again" senario. I ended up giving out to her- told her that i was not pressuring her, that she was the one who told me to call her when i was going gym (and apparantly thats pressuring her)
and she was the one screaming saying i was not supporting her when its all i have been doing.

She then informed me she didnt care anymore about her weight and to leave her alone and not to mention it again. I said fine but dont come crying to me about your weight because it will be thrown back in my face.

And i got "I cant believe you came to my house to put more pressure on me to go gym"

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM STILL FUMING!!!!!!!!

Heed this, do not discuss it with her anymore, even if she pleads, unless you want it to end up like every single other time. I think you could have done without tacking the 'don't come crying to me..etc' bit on the end

Your friend is depressed and unhappy, her weight is a symptom of that. You focusing on the weight positively or negatively is never going to help her no matter how well intentioned. Please don't be fuming with her! She is all over the place and is probably torturing herself about it 24/7 (ironically the more a person obssesses about weight the harder they struggle). Tell her you love her no matter what she weighs and in the interest of not putting pressure on her you agree not to mention it., ever, not even little passive aggressive digs about how badly she is treating you.

For gods sake do not mention weightwatchers....unless you want to keep this sh*tstorm alive.

Friend and a "weighty" issue

Comments