There is something wrong with me

LegacyUser

I always had a great social life until recent years I became a bit of a hermit due to friends moving away for college/work and we all eventually drifted. I have about one friend but we rarely see each other and mostly keep in contact through text/online, although this is my fault. I have a great boyfriend and we are in a long distance relationship at the minute, to be honest a part of me is dreading the day he can move closer because I like how things are.

I like having space to myself, when I hang out with a group of people (or even just one) for a day - I feel like I need a week along to recharge. I don't enjoy being out in public, i'd rather sit inside with people when we hang out. But when I am out, I fake it, pretend i'm happy/confident and nobody suspects anything.

I always feel paranoid about my looks. I think people are staring at me and thinking i'm a man, or laughing at how I look. I do have a wide nose and I wear a lot of heavy makeup which if im honest makes me feel like I look like a drag queen sometimes, but I feel like I look manlier without it I shave all of my body hair, even my arms because the hair is dark and I feel like a gorilla when I don't. Which is strange because the rest of my family have dark body hair and I wouldn't ever even notice it or care about it on them.
When I stay with my boyfriend I wear my makeup to bed and in the mornings I try to get up before him and reapply it. Once he was already up so I left the bathroom door open and I could see him looking at me in the mirror (we were having a conversation) so I removed my makeup one bit at a time, and reapplied it before moving onto the next part. I felt so silly but he didn't notice what I was doing thankfully.

When i'm around any men or girls my own age I feel intimidated and like they're making a laugh of me. I do look about 4 or maybe even 5 years younger than my actual age (I think this is in part due to me having a bit of extra weight in my face) but I try to dress and carry myself as "grown up" as I can.

I know people will tell me to talk to my doctor but its hard. I had a talk about something (not related) a few months ago and my doctor said I just needed to try my best to control it, or else he could give me pills to help "but you're a great girl, full of confidence and happiness, i don't think we'll need to take that route" Of course I laughed along and agreed.
I put on a fake act around everyone, I act really confident and everyone who knows me would never guess I have these kind of issues in my head. I don't want people to know i'm really a girl who is very paranoid and convinced she looks like a man.

Another thing is that I recently began taking birth control which has been making me feel quite depressed and down. I suppose I am just worried I might get even more depressed about looks now and I thought it would be best to post this now. I thought about posting this a few times, and even wrote up threads a couple of times but deleted them instead of actually posting them.

Any help appreciated. I'm so afraid of people judging me that i'm already dreading clicking into this post tomorrow and seeing people tell me I am a freak, in need of mental help, or worse...

qwertytlk

Your not a freak! Your a normal young woman who has insercurties! Albeit they may be a little more / or less overwhelming than other peoples, but were talking about you, so what you feel-every little thing, is valid. I bet if you got talking to a girl who you view as beautiful, perfect and who you would think had no issues, you would find out the truth is the opposite. So your not alone here.
I know its hard but you should tall to your doctor to get a referral to a counsellor. I think it would do you the world of good to talk to a non judgmental professional and get it all out in the open(in complete confidentiality) that way you can get to the root cause of what is making you feel this way, what is giving you this low self esteem/confidence and poor body image.
Obviously when you think about it rationally you have moments of clarity dont you? Like for example little snippets of thought where you will say to yourself 'well i have a boyfriend, i can't be that bad if he wants to be with me' and other such things.
If you dont, thats fine, i was just trying to point out that obviously your not the hideous person you think.
As for the friends issue, well i think that happens in most peoples lives to some extent. Especially with all the emigrating to Australia etc. And school friends can often drift apart as they mature and interests change. So just try keep optimistic about that situation because you sound like a lovely girl so once you start to gain a bit more confidence im sure you won't have a problem going out and making new friends.

Seriously i used to suffer from self esteem issues and boughts of depression where i would just feel like the most stupid, ridiculous looking person and would wonder why anyone would ever want anything to do with me, so hideous i thought i was. I went to counselling an it did me the absloute world of good. Im a changed person. It doesn't happen over night, infact things can feel like their getting worse before the get better but please believe me, they do get better! 5 years ago i was very much like you describe. Now after counselling etc, i literally never have those days anymore because with the help of the counsellor i got to the root cause of my feelings and from there on could begin to change things. Now i have just had a baby and my stretch marks or little pot belly really dont bother me, whereas before....well i won't even get started about the state i would have been in over tha lol.

Best of luck with everything, i hope you get the help you need because you deserve to be happy:)


...........
P.s. I meant to say, if you do decide to ask your doctor for a referral, you dont have to go into the in's and out's of things (as you mentioned you wouldst be comfortable discussing those type things with him) so you can just ask for a referral and say you have personal issues your not comfortable talking to him about but you really need to talk to someone, i.e. A counsellor. Id imagine that would be sufficient.


Good luck, chin up and take care x

LegacyUser

qwertytlk wrote: »

Your not a freak! Your a normal young woman who has insercurties! Albeit they may be a little more / or less overwhelming than other peoples, but were talking about you, so what you feel-every little thing, is valid. I bet if you got talking to a girl who you view as beautiful, perfect and who you would think had no issues, you would find out the truth is the opposite. So your not alone here.
I know its hard but you should tall to your doctor to get a referral to a counsellor. I think it would do you the world of good to talk to a non judgmental professional and get it all out in the open(in complete confidentiality) that way you can get to the root cause of what is making you feel this way, what is giving you this low self esteem/confidence and poor body image.
Obviously when you think about it rationally you have moments of clarity dont you? Like for example little snippets of thought where you will say to yourself 'well i have a boyfriend, i can't be that bad if he wants to be with me' and other such things.
If you dont, thats fine, i was just trying to point out that obviously your not the hideous person you think.
As for the friends issue, well i think that happens in most peoples lives to some extent. Especially with all the emigrating to Australia etc. And school friends can often drift apart as they mature and interests change. So just try keep optimistic about that situation because you sound like a lovely girl so once you start to gain a bit more confidence im sure you won't have a problem going out and making new friends.

Seriously i used to suffer from self esteem issues and boughts of depression where i would just feel like the most stupid, ridiculous looking person and would wonder why anyone would ever want anything to do with me, so hideous i thought i was. I went to counselling an it did me the absloute world of good. Im a changed person. It doesn't happen over night, infact things can feel like their getting worse before the get better but please believe me, they do get better! 5 years ago i was very much like you describe. Now after counselling etc, i literally never have those days anymore because with the help of the counsellor i got to the root cause of my feelings and from there on could begin to change things. Now i have just had a baby and my stretch marks or little pot belly really dont bother me, whereas before....well i won't even get started about the state i would have been in over tha lol.

Best of luck with everything, i hope you get the help you need because you deserve to be happy:)


...........
P.s. I meant to say, if you do decide to ask your doctor for a referral, you dont have to go into the in's and out's of things (as you mentioned you wouldst be comfortable discussing those type things with him) so you can just ask for a referral and say you have personal issues your not comfortable talking to him about but you really need to talk to someone, i.e. A counsellor. Id imagine that would be sufficient.


Good luck, chin up and take care x

Hi again, OP here. Thank you for your reply.

I realize a large number of girls (and men) suffer from insecurities too, but I feel like maybe mine are a bit unusual. Whilst i'm sure many girls dislike things about themselves, I doubt they feel paranoid in social situations to the point of having a nervous sweat and wishing the ground would open up and swallow them Maybe i'm wrong. I get really paranoid that people are talking/laughing about how I look and a part of me *knows* they most likely aren't, but I still can't help feeling that way.

Regarding my boyfriend, I hope this doesn't sound awful, but he doesn't exactly have a line of girls waiting to ask him out. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, I love him to bits and he is attractive and has a great personality, to me.
We went through a rough patch and were not together and he got with another girl. Now I hope this doesn't sound horrible, but the girl he got with is not very feminine looking, which makes me even more paranoid about looking like a man. It was just NSA/casual sex, but even he said she was very masculine but not his usual type. I am always thinking maybe my boyfriend prefers manly girls or maybe he's even gay but afraid of coming out. I realise I probably sound like a b1tch by now but these are just my feelings.

I am not in great shape but I am not uncomfortable with my body. Its probably the least of my worries and I have never had any insults about it except maybe one or two drunk idiots who would refer to me as "the fat girl" or something similar (i'm a size 16, so hardly a hippo, it doesn't bother me, its my face more than anything)

When I go out drinking, which hasn't been in a while because I don't have very many friends now, I always get some kind of attention. Not always from the kind of men I would be attracted to but that doesn't matter. I do know some men find me attractive yet I can't help feeling like the ugliest thing on earth. I always feel more comfortable on a night out because my full face of makeup is more fitting. I don't go anywhere without a full face of makeup on, I wouldn't even answer the door without it.

I looked up about counselling online but I am on a medical card right now and I don't think its easy to get referred unless you are suicidal. One of my relatives went for counselling privately and said it was useless. She doesn't have the same issues as me but a lot of regret from her past and it did not help her at all.

LegacyUser

OP I think many people have more severe social anxieties than they show. I'm terrible too. When I'm meeting up with a group of friends I'm in the car/taxi on my way and I have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I don't want to talk to anybody I just want to get there.

I always feel that people invite me places because they "have" to or because they feel sorry for me. I have been obsessing lately about whether people actually like to see me coming, or look forward to meeting/speaking to me.

I have nearly cancelled nights out so many times because I feel as if people would prefer if I wasn't there and I worry endlessly about "pushing" myself onto other people and forcing them to spend time in my company, even though I know logically that I don't do this at all. In fact I'd imagine most people think I'm aloof because I make such an effort NOT to push my company onto other people.

I have to make sure not to allow this to take over and I force myself into situations that I'd rather avoid. I usually end up having a good time once I make an effort not to allow my anxiety take over. It never leaves me, but I've come to recognise the anxious thoughts and can separate them (usually) and just get on with my night. I think it's becoming easier.

I know this doesn't really help you, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

shellyboo

OP, it's really clear that you KNOW you're not unattractive but you FEEL like you are. You're perfectly capable of recognising that men do find you attractive, and you also feel that the other girl your boyfriend was with was not as attractive as you. So objectively, you know you're not hideous, right? You just feel that way.

It's very clear that there's some sort of disconnect between your brain and your gut as far as your confidence goes, and that your appearance is a big source of anxiety to you. And while you say you don't want to hear you have mental problems... well, anxiety and low self-esteem *are* mental problems. And there's absolutely no shame in that! Just because you're not on crutches or laid up with a fever doesn't mean you're not unwell.

Counselling might be a great option for you, and if you ask your GP for a referral, he or she will be able to give you lots of options, even some that will take medical cards, or ones which charge on a sliding scale. If you find you're not getting anything out of it, try a different counsellor until you find one that does help.

You might also think about reading some positive body image blogs -- there are literally hundreds of them out there, all written by women who are trying to accept and love themselves and their appearance. A quick google search should point you in the right direction, and while it won't take the place of proper counselling, it might help give you a boost on days when you're feeling down, and help you on the road to being happier.

LegacyUser

Thanks to both of you for the replies.

"me too" - we sound a little bit similar although I never really push myself into situations, I would always choose being alone. I do hope things work out for you.

"shellyboo" - I do think a lot of my "issues" are there because of how I look. I know its silly to be so hung up on something so shallow, but I can't help it. Sometimes I look at myself and think i'm pretty, but thats how it is to ME. I think everyone else sees me as manly and ugly. I can never take one picture and be happy with it, I usually have to take 20+ to find one that I feel is most flattering, so I don't let anyone take my picture - ever.
I do think the other girl my boyfriend was with on our break was less pretty than me, and my boyfriend has said she was too (I still don't 100% forgive him for that) but then I begin to wonder if maybe I just -think- i'm prettier than her, but in reality thats how I look to other people. I feel so awful for running that girl down because of my own insecurities.
The thing is - I am involved in something (I don't get paid for it) for helping other girls boost confidence and positive body image - but i'm just a big phoney. I have helped other girls with their confidence issues, I still get many thanks to this day, but I actually fake it myself so I feel like such a liar.
I am afraid to make new friends because I think I won't be pretty enough for them and I always worry about people making fun of my looks. Thing is, I wasn't traumatized because of my looks at any point in my life. I had the odd comment about being a bit chubby/overweight during the years but I always had boys interested in me during my teens so I don't understand where any of this stems from.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I have something like BDD, but I don't want to label myself anything. I have looked on wiki and I fit into all but one or two of the "symptoms" and also have a couple of the "compulsive" behaviours too. I don't want to self diagnose but it does seem an awful lot like what I have. But the only thing that makes me think it would not be BDD is that I don't care too much about my weight - I am a size 16 so not in the best shape but I don't mind looking at myself naked nor do I care about being naked around my boyfriend. I do however, have a huge issue with my face. I can't really talk to my current doctor about it but I hope to switch doctors after Xmas, maybe I could mention all of this to my new doctor and try not to put on my cover-up act that I usually do. Its just so hard because I think I try to overcompensate for how I feel about my looks with being OTT nice/friendly/happy to everyone I speak to.