Gay... can't relate to guys at all

LegacyUser

hey , going unreged for this

i have been looking at my sad lil life alot lately... and with a new year and resolutions coming , i really wanna change things ,

i just dont know where to start... im gay , a closet case, late twenties, live in small town- i feel like its seriously doing me no good to be here anymore- i cant ever see me coming out to family as they are very homophobic....

but i feel my issues run deeper than being gay....

i am a gay guy .... work in very female dominated environment and over the past few years i have settled into a very sad little rut. i actually stopped recently and realised i have three male friends and only one of them is a real friend that i can properly talk to.... most of my other friends are female..... and actually when i say friends, i dont feel i can talk to any - female or male about anything serious , me being gay and the likes.... i look at how close other people seem to be , and i seem to always keep people at arms length or very distant from me... i knows it because i fear rejection if they know my secret that im gay and stuff ...

i also have a really big problem with other guys... i dont get on with them at all, any new guys at work, i meet out and stuff, i just dont gel with them at all, i feel really awkward , like i have nothing in common with them (the conversations about football, girls, sports in general are lost on me)... its like i cant relate to other men in any social situations, and i gel well with women at first but then even with them, becuase im so reserved or distant, i cant even socialise with them comfortably either as i clam up for fear i will appear to camp or girly hanging round a gaggle of girls too long


i feel this goes back to childhood, at school , i was rejected by all my male classmates, and was basically a loner because even at that age, i wasnt into very boyish things...

i just feel my life is seriously sad now, and i have boxed myself into a rut where i avoid new social settings and experiences because a) im gay b) i cant relate to other straight guys at all

any advice?

i

stephen_n

Have you ever considered counselling? It seems like you have a lot of difficulty accepting yourself and if that is the case it would be very hard to take the risk of letting anybody else accept you or reject you as the case may be. Coming out to some people may be important but really you need to work up to it by taking steps towards accepting and valuing yourself.

It seems like a very sad place to be but there are others out there in the same place. You seem to have reached a point when you want change and I really hope you find it!

LegacyUser

Your situation sounds like it could be so easily improved if you just came out as being gay publicly and made yourself open to being approached by new people on that basis with no more hiding, no more lies and no more fear. You'd be building brand new relationships on a wholly different, better and honest footing than you've ever done before and you'd be beginning a new and exciting stage in your life. It would be amazing!!

If only that was easy to do though!!

It's damn hard and I know because I've been wishing I could do it myself. Similarly to you, I'm 28 and am working in a female dominated area, but nobody thinks I'm gay. I go through the motions of pretending to be happy, but conversations....be they with lads or girls make me so tense that I've been avoiding them for years......not in an obvious way, but subtley, by doing things like eating lunch at my desk, making up quick lies to get me out of having to meet up, going home early from nights out and just generally not pushing to build better friendships.

I'm so preoccupied with not appearing gay, while also trying to look happy that I end up with very little else to say in general conversations. I reckon people must think I'm an idiot or something because I'm always smiling and friendly but never have much to say and truth be told....don't have any real friends. The ironic thing is that I spend so much time thinking about all of the negative things in my head that I feel I could burst with them all and if I were to start talking about them, I could go on for ages! (Kind of like now!!)

Having thought (at length) about the issue, I reckon my situation as it stands (and perhaps yours too OP) is all built on fear. Fear of rejection, fear of public perceptions and fear of disappointing the family. I can see and understand the arguments against all these fears, but that hasn't helped me face them yet.

I know you asked for advice and not "me too" stories, but reading your post at least showed me that I'm not the only person whose issues about being gay have affected my life in a wider way.......which has cheered me up, and perhaps reading this could have the same effect for you!!

Rick_

Every time I read one of these sort of posts I always think to myself "I'd love to meet you for a coffee and talk to you and let you know it's never as bad as you think". I'd love to help people out and am always giving advice to friends (who ask for it, mind, I'm no nosey parker!) so I must be sort of good at it! All I can say is if you would like to chat, feel free either on here, or PM me if you want a more private convo. I'd be more than glad to help.

The school thing I can fully relate to, I was the exact same, it almost seemed to happen right away from my first day in primary school, the other boys took an instant dislike to me and it remained that way through the entire of primary school and secondary school. Kids can be mean, but it's the simple child mentality, most of them I'm pretty sure didn't mean it. Hell, I have met several of the guys who treated me like shít in school in recent years and all of them have been very chatty and social with me, and some of them even apologised for their behaviour towards me in school.

One thing I will say is that it genuinely isn't as bad as you think, I know, I've been in the same situation and have posted on here about it, whining away that I was this, that and the other, but honestly, when you put yourself out there, make that one big effort to just say "right, that's it, no more" it will work wonders for you. The new year is coming up, so perhaps a resolution for you is to make more of an effort to socialise with guys, either gay or not. I know you say you find that you have nothing in common with work friends or your home friends, but perhaps taking up classes in a hobby or interest that you do have will help you meet people you can relate to. Talking and socialising with them will help you build more confidence so you will in turn feel better. It also doesn't even have to be classes, anywhere you go to pursue a hobby or interest or even to socialise at the weekend will almost certainly lead you into contact with other people, use those experiences to help you build up your chatting skills so you can feel more relaxed when chatting to others you may not know or don't feel as much of a connection with. It all helps, trust me. If your finding their conversations boring about sport/girls etc. bring up a film or TV show you saw recently and ask if anyone else saw it etc. That could strike up a more interesting conversation for you to participate in that will help you.

Also, from coming from a small town, I would imagine there is no scene there or that you may not be that close to one. May I ask, have you ever been on the scene (anywhere) or how do you generally connect with other gay people? I imagine it's mostly online, but don't let that put you off or get you down, I met my current boyfriend online and we've never been happier with one another. You shouldn't have to avoid other social situations just becuase you are gay, unless of course, you have trouble accepting that fact yourself.

Hopefully that helps in some way and like I said, if you want to chat more privately or anything, feel free to PM or if not, sure just reply on here and we will do what we can for you.

azezil

If you're not happy in your life, change it. And yes, it is that simple. The only obstacles in your way are the ones you put there.

Slang_Tang

azezil wrote: »

If you're not happy in your life, change it. And yes, it is that simple. The only obstacles in your way are the ones you put there.

That's unfair and shows no compassion. This line of thinking comes straight from the American self-help industry. It's a line of thinking that says you can make your life better (which is fine), but the flipside is you and only you are responsible if your life is going badly.

Slang_Tang

OP:

I can relate completely, but there is good news. I find it hard to gel with guys sometimes. I find women to be easier to talk to. However, in relationships I can completely gel with a guy. It's a nice feeling. Just because the majority of your relationships are with women does not mean you can't gel with an other half.

This is just a guess, but I think being closeted and in what seems like an unhappy environment for you is causing a lot of your problems. I would suggest counselling like a previous poster. You'd benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, which would help you tease out your negative thought patterns.

stephen_n

Slang_Tang wrote: »

That's unfair and shows no compassion. This line of thinking comes straight from the American self-help industry. It's a line of thinking that says you can make your life better (which is fine), but the flipside is you and only you are responsible if your life is going badly.

Who else would you like to make responsible for your life?

Slang_Tang

stephen_n wrote: »

Who else would you like to make responsible for your life?

Your circumstances, limitations, etc. That wasn't really the issue. I just felt the comment was glib and unhelpful.

Caiseoipe19

Slang_Tang wrote: »

That's unfair and shows no compassion. This line of thinking comes straight from the American self-help industry. It's a line of thinking that says you can make your life better (which is fine), but the flipside is you and only you are responsible if your life is going badly.

stephen_n wrote: »

Who else would you like to make responsible for your life?

Obviously other factors can make someone feel that their life is going badly. If someone gets bullied and abuse because of their sexuality to the point of them becoming depressed, how is that their fault? The people giving the abuse are responsible for it, not the person themselves.

stephen_n

Cygnus wrote: »

Obviously other factors can make someone feel that their life is going badly. If someone gets bullied and abuse because of their sexuality to the point of them becoming depressed, how is that their fault? The people giving the abuse are responsible for it, not the person themselves.

You have no responsibility for what others do to you but you have a responsibility to yourself how you deal with it. In the end it's a choice and far to many people get caught up in blaming life/people/circumstances for their problems rather than take responsibility for changing. If you choose to remain a victim of life then you will always be a victim, it may not be the easy thing to do but it is never impossible. The OP isn't blaming anyone for the way that he feels!

Dwn Wth Vwls

Being in the closet is the main source of all your problems. It makes you distant, unsociable and suspicious. It makes you seem odd. You don't relate to people normally because you're so busy keeping your secret. People pick up on this, however subconsciously, and treat you accordingly.

Are you financially dependant on your family? If you are, make it your goal to change that. Once you can survive on your own, then you need to stop giving a crap what other people think about you. Life is too short to pretend to be something you're not and hide who you are.

If people don't like it, they can lump it. You're not obligated to live a life of servitude to your family, trying to make them happy by being something you're not. There are plenty of people out there who will love you for being yourself. You didn't choose to be gay, you just have to choose to be honest about it. If people can't respect that, they're the ones with the problem, not you.

anotherlostie

I completely agree with those that would be considered the less sympathetic respondents.

I have much more relaxed friendships with straight guys now than I had when I was in the closet because they know who I am, and I'm not constantly stressing that they won't want to know me if they ever find out. I don't have to pretend to be interested in women they're eyeing up etc. And if some of them do drop you on account of being out, then f*ck them - you'll make other friends.

Being in the closet, especially if you are sleeping with guys, means you are leading a double life and one that becomes increasingly stressful to maintain. Coming out is stressful, but once it's done, it's done and in the vast majority of cases the only regret people have is that they didn't do it sooner. Maintaining the veil of secrecy is constant and it can wear you down, and it sounds like it's doing this to you right now...

Annasopra

Slang_Tang wrote: »

Your circumstances, limitations, etc. That wasn't really the issue. I just felt the comment was glib and unhelpful.

I didn't think it was unhelpful at all - I thought ot was an honest helpful comment

Slang_Tang

mango salsa wrote: »

I didn't think it was unhelpful at all - I thought ot was an honest helpful comment

In that case, we may as well discard all advice threads on here and install a pre-set "It's your life, change it" response to any query. Or else mass-mail them copies of The Secret.

It's brainless self-help twaddle that doesn't take into account the nuances or individualities of people's experiences.

I mean, of course the OP knows he has the ability to change his life. He didn't say he was imprisoned. I'm putting words in his mouth, but his last line "any advice?" was asking how to go about changing his life.

azezil

Slang_Tang wrote: »

In that case, we may as well discard all advice threads on here and install a pre-set "It's your life, change it" response to any query. Or else mass-mail them copies of The Secret.

It's brainless self-help twaddle that doesn't take into account the nuances or individualities of people's experiences.

I mean, of course the OP knows he has the ability to change his life. He didn't say he was imprisoned. I'm putting words in his mouth, but his last line "any advice?" was asking how to go about changing his life.

Actually I disagree, I believe my comment was succinct enough to give him the push he needs. I believe he's old enough to know he can simply move away and any "reasons" he may come up with not to move are merely excuses he's putting there himself to hold himself back and continue the cycle of abuse.

stephen_n

Slang_Tang wrote: »

In that case, we may as well discard all advice threads on here and install a pre-set "It's your life, change it" response to any query. Or else mass-mail them copies of The Secret.

It's brainless self-help twaddle that doesn't take into account the nuances or individualities of people's experiences.

I mean, of course the OP knows he has the ability to change his life. He didn't say he was imprisoned. I'm putting words in his mouth, but his last line "any advice?" was asking how to go about changing his life.

I would say it's far more brainless to make people victims and take away from them the responsibility for their own lives, something that is far to prevelant in western society. It's funny that you mention the nuances of peoples experiences and then choose to ignore them by imposing your own views of life on their experiences.

This however does not change the op's position, the fact remains that he needs to take responsibility for his life and not let the views or wishes of others continue to trap him in a painfull place!

tweedledee

If you can afford to, try living in Dublin or maybe London?????? Two great cities to come out in, trust me. I know it involves travelling but you wont regret it. Only if you can afford to though,

steve9859

Cygnus wrote: »

Obviously other factors can make someone feel that their life is going badly. If someone gets bullied and abuse because of their sexuality to the point of them becoming depressed, how is that their fault? The people giving the abuse are responsible for it, not the person themselves.

But only the person has the ability to do anything about it. The gay community is the most vibrant it has ever been, so the issue here is largely that of it being a small town. And it is not rocket science to work out what to do about that......but it needs bravery to make the move

dalian11

please do be cautious when taking advice from people. many are only too willing to offer an explanation and/or answers to your predicament. we each have a different perspective on what we think is correct. its best if you find someone to chat to (whether that person is a professional or a friend) and try to discover YOUR feelings about why you feel isolated. best wishes.

Slang_Tang

stephen_n wrote: »

It's funny that you mention the nuances of peoples experiences and then choose to ignore them by imposing your own views of life on their experiences.

I mentioned my own experiences and suggested seeing a professional, which others also mentioned. I didn't impose anything.

stephen_n

Slang_Tang wrote: »

I mentioned my own experiences and suggested seeing a professional, which others also mentioned. I didn't impose anything.

You imposed your view (I assume based on experience) about as you put it brainless self help twaddle, it's funny since nearly any form of counselling he would undertake would start from the viewpoint that he can only help himself which form of professional help are you referring to? Medication?

Slang_Tang

stephen_n wrote: »

You imposed your view (I assume based on experience) about as you put it brainless self help twaddle, it's funny since nearly any form of counselling he would undertake would start from the viewpoint that he can only help himself which form of professional help are you referring to? Medication?

I don't think that professional help is self-help. I meant counselling not medication.

I had two years of cognitive behavioural therapy to help overcome severe depression, issues with my sexuality, and a very negative view of myself. A view that you can only help yourself wasn't brought up once, if I recall.

Anyway, that's not the purpose of this thread. OP, if you do decide to get counselling, it's available from the HSE if you're referred by your GP. It takes a lot of hard work to be able to open up to someone, but it's definitely worth it.

teddansonswig

hit the road man, travel! laugh and learn a language
small town eire aint healthy for anyone but the livestock
best of luck xx

cafecolour

Maybe it's the small town, but I don't really get this straight guy talk = sports and girls only.

I have loads of straight male friends, and we never talk about sports or girls. They're big dorks like me, we talk about movies, video games, books, etc.

Find people you have stuff in common with instead of focusing on what you don't have in common with people.

Untense

unregistered wrote: »

... i really wanna change thing
...
i just dont know where to start... im gay , a closet case, late twenties, live in small town- i feel like its seriously doing me no good to be here anymore

Sounds to me like you're picking up plenty of places where you can start. Living in small town is definitely going to limit your options, socially and sexually.

i cant ever see me coming out to family as they are very homophobic....

You don't have to come out to them if you don't want to. Maybe one day you might, but if you don't want to at this moment, is there any value in thinking about it right now?

but i feel my issues run deeper than being gay....

This is by default. There is no inherent 'issue' in being gay. We are what we are. It's how we see things that can cause problems.

i dont feel i can talk to any - female or male about anything serious , me being gay and the likes.... i look at how close other people seem to be , and i seem to always keep people at arms length or very distant from me... i knows it because i fear rejection if they know my secret that im gay and stuff ...

What does it mean to be rejected by someone? They might decide that there is something they don't like or feel uncomfortable about you being gay. They might no longer want to hang out with you. But it says nothing about you. You would actually be getting valuable information about your friend's point of view. Would you even want to be friends with a person who judged someone based on something as inconsequential as their sexuality?
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that, but that wouldn't mean I would be 'rejecting' them. I would just no longer be associating with them. They are still doing their thing with friends they want to associate with, I'm still going on doing my thing.

i also have a really big problem with other guys... i dont get on with them at all, any new guys at work, i meet out and stuff, i just dont gel with them at all, i feel really awkward , like i have nothing in common with them (the conversations about football, girls, sports in general are lost on me)...

You're not going to gel with someone you have nothing in common with if the conversations are always around topics that are lost on you. This doesn't mean you don't gel with guys. It means you don't gel with guys who predominantly have conversations about football, girls and sports in general.

Does your town has clubs that have topics you're interested in? You could make friends with similar interests there. If not, you could consider moving to somewhere where there are more people and therefore more people with your interests - you did recognise the small town thing as being part of the problem. Small town guys are typically going to be more 'sports and girls' oriented.

and i gel well with women at first but then even with them, becuase im so reserved or distant, i cant even socialise with them comfortably either as i clam up for fear i will appear to camp or girly hanging round a gaggle of girls too long

Notice you're picking up how your own perception is actually interfering with your friendships.

i feel this goes back to childhood, at school , i was rejected by all my male classmates, and was basically a loner because even at that age, i wasnt into very boyish things...

That might have been where it developed originally, but there isn't a huge lot of value in looking at the origin of one of these things. What's most important is how we are thinking and perceiving things in the present to sustain the pattern in the moment, and that would probably be where thoughts such as the "fear i will appear camp or girly" thing comes up. That is a present-moment thought. The question is, "appear camp and girly to whom based on what criteria"?

I'll bet when you're imagining that you're projecting it out in to the room as if everyone possible is thinking this. But it is you who is thinking this in that moment and projecting it on to others. The horrible feelings are not the horrible feelings of being judged, they're the horrible feelings of imagining being judged and believing that what we're imagining is true.
Most people will be far too interested in themselves, sports and the girls to take a tack of notice of you. But if you're imagining that people are thinking these thoughts and you actually believe that it's really them thinking it, your system reacts accordingly - stressing out and reacting to that thought as if you were really being judged. You're not going to feel comfortable in that situation. But it's not because of the situation itself. Meanwhile, when these kind of things happen, we're so caught up in this imagining we might forget why we were there in that group in the first place. Were you enjoying the conversation, were you relating to those girls?

i just feel my life is seriously sad now, and i have boxed myself into a rut where i avoid new social settings and experiences because a) im gay b) i cant relate to other straight guys at all

a) Is this actually because you're gay? There are plenty of people who are gay who don't feel their lives are in a rut, so it can't be that. It can certainly be the way we're perceiving ourselves and our situation that can make a problem of it, and perceptions can be changed.

b) Not all straight guys are just in to sports and girls. There are some who are going to be interested in the sort of things you're interested in. You don't have a problem relating to straight guys, you have a problem relating to people you can't relate to. Which makes sense and is normal.

As another poster has suggested, I think counselling (with a good counsellor) could potentially do you a lot of good! When we're stuck in a rut it's so helpful to get a new perspective. You sound like you have some unhelpful habits of thinking which are interfering with your friendships and life. But that can be changed!

gaa131

unregistered wrote: »

hey , going unreged for this

i have been looking at my sad lil life alot lately... and with a new year and resolutions coming , i really wanna change things ,

i just dont know where to start... im gay , a closet case, late twenties, live in small town- i feel like its seriously doing me no good to be here anymore- i cant ever see me coming out to family as they are very homophobic....

but i feel my issues run deeper than being gay....

i am a gay guy .... work in very female dominated environment and over the past few years i have settled into a very sad little rut. i actually stopped recently and realised i have three male friends and only one of them is a real friend that i can properly talk to.... most of my other friends are female..... and actually when i say friends, i dont feel i can talk to any - female or male about anything serious , me being gay and the likes.... i look at how close other people seem to be , and i seem to always keep people at arms length or very distant from me... i knows it because i fear rejection if they know my secret that im gay and stuff ...

i also have a really big problem with other guys... i dont get on with them at all, any new guys at work, i meet out and stuff, i just dont gel with them at all, i feel really awkward , like i have nothing in common with them (the conversations about football, girls, sports in general are lost on me)... its like i cant relate to other men in any social situations, and i gel well with women at first but then even with them, becuase im so reserved or distant, i cant even socialise with them comfortably either as i clam up for fear i will appear to camp or girly hanging round a gaggle of girls too long


i feel this goes back to childhood, at school , i was rejected by all my male classmates, and was basically a loner because even at that age, i wasnt into very boyish things...

i just feel my life is seriously sad now, and i have boxed myself into a rut where i avoid new social settings and experiences because a) im gay b) i cant relate to other straight guys at all

any advice?

i

It's very hard to relate or have decent relationship with others while the relationship you have with yourself is in disarray and incomplete. It all starts with oneself, the man in the mirror. As long as you continue to be non-accepting of your own maleness and sexuality you are not going to relate to, or be comfortable with maleness in others. It might sound a bit abstract, but it's true. You don't feel that you're a man in the same way as other men and so you either consciously or sub-consciously engineer negative relationships with other men. You need to realise, that irrespective of your sexual orientation, physically and fundamentally you are male and as male as any other. You are your own unique expression of maleness and manhood, which you need to embrace and begin to love.

When we look outwards and cite others as being the reason for x, y or z, we really need to look inwards and examine ourselves. Basically you can only bring to the world what you have within yourself to bring. If you are loving and accepting of yourself then you can bring that love and acceptance to others and vice versa. If you are critical and judgemental towards yourself then you'll be exactly the same towards other people - and I can see this in what you write.

Without realising it, you're referring in your mind to past experiences of interactions with other lads and assigning these experiences to present interactions. In effect, you are using an outdated road map for the place you are currently at on your journey in life. You are projecting and probably confusing and alienating others in the process.

You would benefit from a good counsellor - preferably a man - but you need to be completely open and honest, and be prepared for a bit of pain and discomfort.