not trusting myself!

Sashiee

Hi Guys,
this is juist a quick one to see what you think i should do or any opinions,
I'm going out with my boyfriend just over a year, it's the best relationship i have ever been in and al our friends and family get along , everyone says we are destined to be together it's so ovbious how happy we make each other,

I know i completly trust him but i might be hypocritical in saying that because at every chance i get i find myself checking his messages or even his facebook, i know this is a complete infringement on his privacy and I would be fuming if I found out that he did that,

The thing is he dosnt do anything for me to not trust him or to even suspect that he would be looking elsewhere...
he tells me he loves me every day, on nights out in his home county he rings me when he gets home and on nights out where we live together he brings me home food.
were both very early 20's and are living together about 8 months.

We both had absolute psychopaths in our first loves and previous relationships and i think that this might be the reason why i'm not giving in fully to trusting him. even though he's dont nothing but prove his trust to me!!
How can i get past this!
it really is starting to bother me

Miss Fluff

The answer to this is pretty cut and dried. I guarantee you if you continue to do this you are going to destroy your relationship. I say this because if you snoop enough you are going to find something you don't like. It may be an innocent PM from a female friend on Facebook or a text from an ex and next thing you know it will consume you and cause you to act in such a way that you destroy a happy relationship.

If you continue on with this blatant invasion of privacy it's going to end up a self-fulfilling prophecy and you'll be posting a new thread here bemoaning the fact you've been dumped because you were caught out. You have to have some respect for your boyfriend and stop this carry on immediately.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Your relationship sounds like mine We are just nuts about each other. My guy is the perfect man for me. Sometimes I worry that it will all come crashing down, like it's almost too perfect, you know what I mean? But when I feel like that, I just say it to him "god I'd go mad if I lost you" and he just gives me a squishy hug and says nothings ever going to happen to us. I really think that because of a very ****ty previous relationship I realise completely how perfect this one is and that scares me because I doubt I could ever find a man I'd be so happy with. So yeah I see where you're coming from. However I agree completely with Ms Fluff, at the moment YOU are the biggest risk to your relationship. You have to not act on those impulses. If you love him as much as you say you do then he must be a loyal and trustworthy guy, don't repay that with suspician. I worry sometimes that something like the things I read on this forum will happen, like I'll suddenly discover he's got a load of girls on the go or that kinda thing. But at the end of the day if he is I'd find out anyways and by the same token how does he know I don't have a load of guys on the go, you see? So yeah we can drive ourselves demented with worry. . . OR you can truly and honestly appreciate him for the wonderful man he is by giving him your 100% trust. Surely he deserves that? I know my man does

Stop indulging in paronia:p,
Best of luck,

Sashiee

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Your relationship sounds like mine We are just nuts about each other. My guy is the perfect man for me. Sometimes I worry that it will all come crashing down, like it's almost too perfect, you know what I mean? But when I feel like that, I just say it to him "god I'd go mad if I lost you" and he just gives me a squishy hug and says nothings ever going to happen to us.

WELL ARNT YOU GUYS CUTE! :P

I know exactly what you mean Curlzy and to be honest this is the best reply i could have wished for,
like, i'm just so so so lucky to have him and I know that other people see what I see in him and i'm almost worried that i'll fupp it up!!
even last night he just turned round out of the blue and was like you dont even realise how beautiful you are...
i mean how could I not trust this man in my life who means the world to me and i'm sure I mean as much to him.

gawd. Now i just feel like sh*te for even doing that to him.....

any ideas how to stop looking? because i know he will be in the shower or down feeding the dog and those prying eyes will come back.


it definatley comes from my last partner. he cheated on me and treated me so badly that i guess it's just after affecting that side of things.
should i tell him or should i just try stop it ASAP.

I don't know what I would do if i lost him because if he found out he would be angry that it seems i don't trust him.....

thanks for all replies

curlzy

Heya,

Yeah it's a hard one, stupid parania There's no magic answer really, you just have to make a rule for yourself, you just flat out won't spy on him anymore. And then stick to it. I don't spy on my fella, even if paranoid thoughts are in my head. If it helps just remember that spying could ruin this wonderful relationship, in fact it's way more likely than it ending because of cheating, why? Because you ARE actually spying on him. When you're head over heels it's hard to keep a level head because it would be devastating if you lost him. But in fairness he's as mad about you as you are about him, would you cheat on him? NO, well why would he cheat on you? Honestly OP, short of telling him to change his passwords you're going to have to use will power, it's not that hard, just don't do it, if you're thinking of it distract yourself. I really wouldn't mention it to him unless you feel you are going to continue, and then I'd maybe look at getting into couselling, like if it's uncontrollable then it could be that your stupid cheating ex did more damage than you thought and maybe you could use someone professional to talk it through with?

Remember OP, both of you are in love, not just you. Trust in that wonderful ushy gushy love and you won't go far wrong.:p

Best of luck.

Katgurl

How will you stop?

Remind yourself that it is wrong and he is entitled to his privacy. How dare you nose through his stuff?

Remind yourself that you deserve a good relationship and promise yourself you won't continue to sabotage it.

If the above doesn't work, confess. I'm
serious, if he's as great as you say he'll understand. Just make sure you do it along the lines of "I've been doing something crazy and I'm ashamed of myself and really sorry..." Then have a very honest talk about your fears and worries, ensuring that he knows you're not accusing or blaming him for your trust issues.

Good luck.

OkayWhatever

I kinda know what you're talking about.

My first relationship lasted 18 months, and in them 18 months I was cheated on 9 times.

Now i'm in a new relationship, well for the past year and half, and he's just so perfect and I did have SERIOUS trust issues, even though I had no reason to.

I did find myself checking his texts, but I was just so paranoid, and the more I felt myself falling in love with him, the more paranoid I got. I don't do it anymore because as a previous poster said, you're gonna find something innocent and it'll be something more in your head, and no explanation is going to get it out of your head, and it would eat at your mind and destroy your relationship.

I do still feel a bit iffy, when he's out on nights out or whatever. I know he would never cheat on me, he loves every single little bit of me to bits, but to me i'd be shocked if I didn't feel like this. It's kinda natural to me, i'm kinda used to it. And a tough part is not wanting him to take offence to it because it's nothing against him, just my past and I can't change that.

I am a friend

There is really no excuse... If you are not in a healthy enough mental or emotional state due to bad previous relationships, then you should not be entering new relationships til you are. The result of rushing into a new relationship before you are 'cured' of previous demons is what you see here...

Most people have been betrayed in previous relationships but dont use it as an excuse to pry into their oh's personal property. You are well out of order and it will destroy the relationship once he finds out. Maybe you should break up for a while, sort yourself out and then try the relationship again cos, right now, you dont sound in a suitable state to have a healthy relationship.

Sashiee

I am a friend wrote: »

Maybe you should break up for a while.

I understand where your coming from but the fact is that people hurt each other and it may take time for that to heal, i was single for 4 years before getting with my boyfriend and I knew him for 2 years before anything happened. During that time I healed a lot and learned to like myself again firstly as the previous relationship had destroyed me as a person. I would never have gotten into a relationship I f i didnt know that I was 100% capable of loving and giving my all to another person.

I dont think it would be a matter of breaking up as I dont think that would solve anything and it would just leave both parties hurt, confused and might even lead to resentment on his part as what am i to say? "I don't trust you?"

my boyfriend and I had a chat about things last night and I got some very good advice from him. He said that he fully trusts someone until they break the trust.And then he dosn;t give second chances, which I agree is the right thing to live by in a relationship, because I f your fully comitted then you wouldn;t break the trust int he first place?
I've already said that i've been given the benefit of the doubt with him and that everything else in our relationship is heaven.

Instead of Breaking up and possibly ruining what what is the best relationship I could ever wish for, I am going to work on my doubts and insecurities on my own and with his help.

curlzy

Sashiee wrote: »

Instead of Breaking up and possibly ruining what what is the best relationship I could ever wish for, I am going to work on my doubts and insecurities on my own and with his help.

Good woman, you can do it. Just use will power, I'd say the longer you go without snooping the easier it'll get. I think you're going to be grand. You realise how good you have it and that what you're doing is jeopardising it, so I'm sure you can break this nasty habit. And if your head starts the "what ifs" come back here and have a chat about it rather than snooping.

Best of luck.

OkayWhatever

I am a friend wrote: »

There is really no excuse... If you are not in a healthy enough mental or emotional state due to bad previous relationships, then you should not be entering new relationships til you are. The result of rushing into a new relationship before you are 'cured' of previous demons is what you see here...

Can I just say that I completely disagree with this. For me anyway, I don't think it's a feeling that ever really 100% goes away. You just learn to deal with it and control how it affects your life and relationship. I don't think I can ever 100% trust anybody ever again because I was cheated on so much, by somebody who I believed loved me and cared for me. So I can never feel positive that my current partner isn't going to cheat on me, not that anybody can be 100% positive, but for somebody like me I think the thought is more prominent in my mind. Why are you suggesting we can't move on and get into new relationships,and use them as an attempt to move on?

I don't consider myself to be in any 'bad state', the only thing bad about me is my past. Which I cannot change, and I cannot change the way it makes me feel. I'm not going to stay single until this problem magically fixes itself, the person who cheated on me 9 times f*ucked up my life enough, i'm not going to not be in a happy relationship because they couldn't control themselves.

And what happens if you waste a few years of your life 'curing yourself' to find yourself in a relationship again, and the feelings returning? You break up with that person and start a never ending cycle? I personally believe the feeling does't go away if you've been betrayed like I have, it's always there, always will be.

Sorry if i've come across a bit harsh, I just took a tiny bit of offence to what you said, even if none was intended.

LegacyUser

OP, was just thinking about the post where you wrote

"any ideas how to stop looking? because i know he will be in the shower or down feeding the dog and those prying eyes will come back"

I went through the same thing with my boyfriend until relatively recently, feeling utterly wound up and fearful about his love for me, and one really simple thing i found to be really helpful was talking myself down when i started to get really upset or nervous. Its handy to have maybe a phrase or affirmation that just pops up into your head when that anxiety starts, one i use is " I am in a commited loving relationship".

For some insane reason, when i remind myself of this, of how great our relationship is and how we're both committed to making it work it just chills me out. You could construct any other motto or phrase which forces you to snap out of that crazy fear and feel safe again. Affirmations, as boring a solution as they sound, really work for some people.

You cant let those fearful voices in your head shout you down. Its easy to feel vulnerable when you let someone in, but by not trusting him you are pushing him away too, in a way thats gonna affect your relationship negatively for both of you. You deserve to feel safe and to enjoy this relationship with a great guy that's come into your life. So allow yourself to reassure yourself that you dont need to look, and let yourself relax.

Oh and one other thing that I find works. Find a really distracting activity for yourself when you feel that urge maybe. Hop onto a blog you like, watch a great tv programme (i find HIMYM awesome for these occasions) or listen to your favourite band or whatever. Just DO SOMETHING ELSE until the urge passes. Like a nicotine patch.

Anyway, sorry i rambled on a while there! I hope any of this helps. Either way, best of luck with letting this go