Heartbroken, betrayed... Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Registered user going unregistered for this one...

I'm a 28 year old male, due to get married next summer, but that may be finished now...

I've been going out with my childhood sweetheart since I've been 13 and I finally proposed to her 6 months ago, and she said 'yes'. It was the best moment of my life so far. We have been so happy together and I don't think that in 15 years we've been apart for longer than 2 days. We've never had a serious argument. I love her so much, and I just want to spend the rest of my life with her and to have a family with her.

That dream has been ripped from me and torn to shreds. I've never been so distraught and upset in my entire life. I cannot see a life for me now beyond the next couple of days. In my job, my professional standards are slipping as my mind is not on my work. In my job, one slip can result in horrendous consequences and this worries me too.

Three days ago, I returned early from work and heard noises coming from our bedroom. I entered the room and discovered my fiancée in bed with another man. Worse still, this other man was my best friend. I nearly fainted from the shock, and was physically ill shortly afterwards. I break down in tears at regular intervals when I think about it.

I've been so close to my friend for years and I love him like a brother, and now he has completely screwed me over. My fiancée has torn my heart from my chest and I just feel so lost.

I'm living on a friend's couch at the moment, and he is so great to me, helping me however he can.

I just cannot stop thinking about this and cannot get that image I saw that night out of my head. They have both tried to call me and text me, but I'm not answering. I don't want to talk to either of them.

I've heard the term heartbroken being used before, but never knew it could be so literal... I have pains in my chest from crying so much and I feel so low. I don't know what to do. I still love her so much, and I still love my best friend. But I would consider this to be up there amongst the ultimate betrayals. I don't know how long it's been going on, nor do I care if I'm to be honest. Even if this was the first and only time it's happened, it is still too terrible. These are two people I thought loved and cared about me. But now, I just don't know.

I know at some point I'll have to talk to them, and soon. But I just don't know if I can stop myself from breaking down emotionally if I do talk to them. What do I do? What can I do? Is there ANY chance at saving my relationship and/or friendship? Or should I do my best to break things up and move on?

Juicyfruit

My heart goes out to you OP, it really does.

This is a horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You're still in shock and I think what you need to do now is take time to yourself to sort out in your head what it is you want to do.

Don't have any contact with either of them until then as you're still in a fragile state and my take her back and then regret it.

I know it's soo tough now and it's the worst feeling in the world but you need to get your head around it before you can start even asking the questions you've asked.

And so what if you break down emotionally when you speak to them, let them see the hurt they've caused you!

Only you'll know if you can forgive and forget but that will take time for you to decide.

Take care of yourself xx

Payton

My god you must be going through hell. The main thing is to try and stay calm. I know it might seem hard but you really should be around close friends and family.
What to do? Only you can answer that, and in your own time, don't rush into anything too quickly.
It's how you deal with this over the next few weeks and months that will be the making of you and help you to recover in time.
Talk to a good friend and pour your heart out, you need to get it off your chest.
Only you can decide if you want to forgive her, only after you feel ready to talk to her if and when that is.
I know its hard but don't beat yourself up, what happened happened.
Take care.

I am a friend

God love you and shame on the pair of them.

Why did you move out? I think you need to get back into your own house and kick her out for good.

Take a few weeks off work so you don't have that pressure and then maybe go visit your gp. You may need some medication to calm you even for a few weeks.

There is little consolation here other than it's better you found out now rather than after you were married.

Also when people ask you what happened - tell them. You don't need to protect these pair of toerags. Mind yourself op.

I am a friend

Back again...

Op there is no salvation here - they don't deserve your friendship or love whether it was the first or fiftieth time... You can't be friends with him and you definitely can't be her partner again. You deserve so much more. They may try to win you round but will you ever have peace if you stay with her? I don't see how.

Slattsy

It may be hard to do this right now, but try look at it positively, in a sense of isn't it better that you found out now rather that after you were married.

And also look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I'm lucky I didn't marry a slag like that, I deserve better and I can get someone better'.

Try think what her family are going to think of her when they find out what has happened. They will be ashamed of her while you should be thinking how lucky you are that you came home early.

Take some time off work. If it means going out on stress leave for a month then do it. Spend time with friends and family.

Be strong mate, take it day by day, remember you're only 28, you're still young and believe me there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Mind yourself.

Daisy M

OP my heart goes out to you, they have both behaved appallingly. It is so hard for you as both these people have been part of your life for so long and you trusted them both you have lost both a bestfriend and a future spouse so your heartache is double that of a normal breakup.
I think you need to give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened and not feel you need to make any immediate decisions as to wheather you are able to forgive them or not. If over time you do decide to forgive and move on you need to be 100% sure that you can put the past behind you and that your relationship with either of these people wont always be haunted by their actions and that you will not be forever suspicious.

Personally there would be no way i could forgive them, let alone trust them ever again. I know you are so hurt and reeling from what they have done and cant see yourself ever been happy again but time does heal all wounds, hard as it is to believe right now. Best of luck op

Miss Fluff

Broken... wrote: »

I know at some point I'll have to talk to them, and soon.

I'd make them stew if I were you. You owe them the same loyalty and respect that they have afforded you which amounts to roughly zilch. I'd view talking to them as something that's really quite secondary in all of this. You need to work on yourself for now love and getting your head around what has happened. Surround yourself with family and friends and if you think you are liable to make a mistake at work then please go to your GP and get signed off for a week. If you think you can muddle through then do as it will help take your mind off things. You have an awful lot to absorb so your main focus should be yourself right now, not them. Talk to them when you're good and ready. You poor thing.

moco

Hi OP, I felt sick reading that, at the thought of it happening. I really don't know what to say. I think Sunflower is right though, you should take a wee bit of time off work if possible.

I would doubt that is the first time it happened - sober, in the middle of the day. There has probably been something going on between them for a while. Neither of them deserve you. I would never even text another fella behind my fiance's back, as I know he'd be hurt if he found out and I wouldn't want to shake his trust in me. For someone to sleep with their fiance's best friend, she must have no conscience at all. Same goes for him.

If I were you I'd never speak to them again. I wouldn't even want to annoy myself with an explanation for it, as there is no way to justify it.

username123

moco wrote: »

If I were you I'd never speak to them again. I wouldn't even want to annoy myself with an explanation for it, as there is no way to justify it.

Agree. There is nothing to be gained, for you, by talking to them. Oh yeah, there will be loads of apologies, regrets, should haves, would haves, blah blah blah, but ultimately, its indefensible. There is NOTHING they can say that makes it ok, and all talking to them does is makes THEM feel better that at least youre listening to the too late apologies. You just end up being more tortured by finding out more detail. You dont need that.

As another poster has said, there is no salvation here. You need to cut them both out and move on.

For the moment, you have had a terrible shock, you should go to your GP and get something to help you sleep and take some time off work. You might also consider going away for a few days to try and get away and get some perspective on the situation.

What they have done is vile. These are the two people you were closest to in the world betraying you. The only consolation, and it probably doesnt feel like much use now, is that you werent actually married to her.

They sound like they deserve each other - leave them to it and move on and find someone who respects you.

LegacyUser

OP here again...

Just more information. I don't have very good relations with my family, so they probably won't be much help. In the past, the two people I would turn to if I was feeling down or anything were obviously enough my fiancée and my best friend.

I love her so much. I really do. I can't imagine life without her. She is my life. She is everything to me. I love her. I want to believe we can pick up the pieces and move on and be together. I really want to forgive her and try to mend our relationship. I don't think anyone knows how much I love her, but I do. I love her to bits and I'd be completely lost without her.

My best friend is the same. I love him so much too. He's like the little brother I never had and he has been a huge part of my life for years. We've been there for each other so much, when either of us has been upset or down, the other has been there to brighten the day and cheer up the other. When my father passed away a few years ago, I was distraught, and he was there, drying my tears and hugging me when I needed support the most. When I was in hospital a while back for a few weeks, he stayed in overnight with me a lot, just so I wouldn't be alone. Whenever I needed him, he was there for me.

This is why it hurts so much. They've both been so great and such important parts of my life, and now this has happened and I just feel sick. Physically and mentally sick. I can't imagine life without them. My best friend was going to be my best man at the wedding and we both cried the night I told him that I wanted him to be my best man. I want them in my life so badly. I love them both so much and I want to forgive them... but I think that will just make me weak and stupid.

I've given both of them pieces of my soul over the years, I've given them so much of my love and they are pretty much the only two people I would do anything for. And I have done. I love them both so much. I'm in tears as I type this, because I know they've done something terrible, but I love them so much that I couldn't bear to live my life without them.

I read through some of the texts they've sent too. All more or less saying the same thing, how sorry they are. Voicemail is all choked sobs and apologies. One of my mutual friends has come to me, and has been so good, comforting me and telling me what's been going on over there. He told me he's been talking to them both and they are both just devastated. They are so sorry for what they've done, and they just want to talk to me, to apologise to try and get our fractured relationships back on track. And I have to say, I want to try and mend things up too.

I've also gotten some time off work. Not my proudest or best moment, but I spoke to my boss today and asked for some time off work. She asked me for what, and I just couldn't help myself. I broke down in her office and sobbed out the whole wretched tale. I've worked there for about 6 years and I've always gotten on so well with her and I've always been an exemplary worker, so she was naturally most understanding. She hugged me and told me to take as much time off as I needed, with pay. I owe her so much for that.

I'm still torn about meeting up with them. I don't want to break down in front of them, but at the same time I don't know if I could stand seeing them without getting completely overwrought...

Thanks for all the supportive messages too.

username123

Broken... wrote: »

All more or less saying the same thing, how sorry they are. Voicemail is all choked sobs and apologies.

Of course, wonder how sorry they were feeling 5 minutes before you walked in that door? Not much Id guess.

Broken... wrote: »

...they are both just devastated.

Ah bless. Theyve been caught out sticking a knife in your back and THEYRE devastated? Poor things. They werent too worried about the devastation when they were hooking up behind your back were they?

Broken... wrote: »

They are so sorry for what they've done, and they just want to talk to me, to apologise to try and get our fractured relationships back on track. And I have to say, I want to try and mend things up too.

Of course theyre sorry, they have been caught doing something absolutely disgusting!! If you forgive them then they can convince themselves that it wasnt that bad at all.

Think long and hard before mending things up OP. Initially there would be relief and the fear of big change would be gone. But in time, when all the dust has settled, you will find yourself looking at things differently. You'll never trust either of them again, you'll be suspicious if they speak to each other, say hello to each other. You'll wonder if your GF is doing this with someone else, you'll wonder why they thought so little of you as to do this. It will eat at your self esteem. It will change how you look at them.

Do you want a future of being suspicious, of wondering if they are at it again, of wondering if she is at it with someone else? Do you want to be tormenting yourself wondering if she preferred him in bed to you? Will you be able to accept that you took her (and him) back into your life because it was too hard to let go and respect yourself?

Would you be able to stand up there on your wedding day knowing that they have done this?

I think you should do nothing yet. Let the dust settle. Take time to get your head round things and get some perspective. Dont talk to them yet either - its too raw.

Im glad you got time off work and your boss sounds like a very nice person - you dont need to feel not proud about how you told her - its fine!

Slattsy

Couldn't agree more with the above comment from Username123.

Don't go back to her, she could easily do it again in 5 or 10 years. Sluts never change.
Drop them both for good and be proud.

Alkers

Good that you are free from work hassles for the time being. I would also think your boss would be impressed with the way you approached her honestly so I'd say you've done well there.
Thinking through the rest of it:
What is your accommodation situation at the moment? I take it you were living with your fiance? Clearly that isn't going to be the situation in the short term at least so I would address that while you are off work. Depending on the circumstances, take your stuff (have a friend get it if need be) or make it known that you want her out (again use a friend).
While you are off work, try make the most of your time, work out, contact a few old friends, travel a small bit, whatever you fancy but try not to sit around feeling sorry for yourself as this will only make you more miserable.
In the long run its up to you to decide if you want to talk to the pair of them. The fact that this was sober, during the day is huge for me, pre meditated absolute betrayal of trust from both of them. Personally, I would meet them briefly, let them know/see how violated you feel and then I would avoid contact until I felt ready to interact with them again but at this point I would treat each of them as someone you are just getting to know and not the best mate or fiance they used to be.
One other thing, you were with this girl since 15? Use this opportunity to experience single adult life for a bit, it's going to seem strange due to how familiar you are to being with her but It's something you should at least experience, you never know, you may even find someone else.
Good luck, make the most of it and let us know how you get on.

indough

what a terrible mess, and when you love someone it's easy to understand the desire to try and work things out, but it would be a massive mistake in my opinion.

first of all this proves that they can not be the people you thought they were (i've learnt this lesson too many times, if she can treat you this badly then you aren't going to be able to change her, and it's not like he's a true friend if he could do it this to you) - and secondly, let's just say you do eventually manage to forgive them - do you think you are ever going to be able to do the forgetting part while either one is in your life?

my advice is to cut them both out and find someone who cares enough about you not to do this. i'm no expert on relationships for what it's worth, but its just what id do.

anyway no matter what try and keep your head up and remember that success is absolutely the best revenge

Mighty_Mouse

There's no point in contact yet.
Silence serves the purpose of making them stew whilst giving you time to gather your thoughts.
Zero contact until you've come out of the shock period.

LisaLimerickR

My god OP you must be very broken.

I was only with my guy a month and when i found out he slept with someone else it completly broke my heart because i really adored him and thought he would never hurt me.

We got back together but the trust is gone. I think it won't be too long before i just tell him it's completly over because i don't adore him anymore.

If you take her back things will never be the same between ye especially once the trust is gone.

Firetrap

Definitely don't do anything too hasty. You're in a horrible position just now in that you're presumably homeless, don't have your best friend to turn to and you're not close to your family. Don't let that isolation drive you back into the arms of your fiancée. You really need time to think this over and decide if you really can go ahead and marry a woman who is prepared to cheat on you in your own bed in the middle of the day. Can you ever truly trust her again or will you be wondering what she's doing when you're at work or not with her?

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I appreciate all the advice, I really do. But I just can't cut my fiancée and my best friend out of my life. I don't know why they did it, I don't know how long it's been going on (but my best guess is not very long) and I'm not sure I want to know the answer to either of those questions.

One person said they probably weren't feeling very sorry 5 minutes before I walked through the door and caught them together... yes this is granted... I have talked to my fiancée's best friend and she is completely disgusted and has been with me a lot all day, keeping me company and trying to raise my spirits. She has said to me that she honestly thinks it would be worth giving it another shot, just to make them both realise how much they've killed me inside and that they have done the worst possible thing in life and to make sure they are truly remorseful.

Also, my fiancée has been in my life for so long. She was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to her, she was by my side and held me when my father passed away, she has been my rock and I love her so much. I can't even contemplate life without her.

Another poster touched on something that has gotten me thinking too... did she prefer my best friend in bed? Was he better than me? Did he do things for her that I couldn't do? We have a very good sexual relationship and we obviously know each other very well and I did think that we were both happy with the sexual side of our relationship. When you've been with the one person all your life, naturally you wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. Hell, I'll admit it here I've thought about what sex with another person was like, but obviously it never went further than that; a semi-horrid thought.

The friend I'm living with at the moment has said that I'm making excuses for them. I suppose I am. I love them that much, I just want to try and put this behind us and move on. I love them, I really do. I know what they have done is horrible and unforgivable, but I really want to forgive and move along and get our lives back on track.

Maybe I'm an idiot for thinking this can be mended, but I just want it to be so badly... I love both of them. I know they were stabbing me in the back so badly, but F***... I might be the biggest idiot in the world for wanting to pick up the pieces and to try and let things go back to the way they were.

Ok, people say that my fiancée is a 'slut' and other things... but this is the first and only time in 15 years she's done anything like this. I know, I know, it should never happen in the first place but this is something I want to forget and to try and put behind me. I'd be willing to trust her again eventually, but obviously it will take a while. Her best friend has told me that she never knew about this, and she cried with me when she came to see me, and promised me that she would have stopped this if she'd known.

I'm starting to get my head wrapped around this slowly... I'm going to try and get into contact with them tomorrow, and see what comes of that.

Lantus

tough situation.

I would get some time by yourself to stand back from the entire situation. After any break up people are in an emotional state and raely think logically. We can be manipulated, get angry, do things we regret, including getting back with said person far too quickly. after so long with this person you'll be in a terrible state.

In the short term focus on getting somewhere to stay, focus on your job and doing a good job. Take time off if needed. You are the most important in your life now.

My advice would be to avoid any contact with either person in the short term by phone, txt, email or physical contact. you all need space and time to reflect and move forward before you can even hope to come together to resolve this.

In the medium term you need to work on yourself, friends and family. I know you mentioned that these were in short supply but they really are solid gold. I too lived a somewhat isolationist lifestyle relying on just one woman for company. I realised after we split up that not only was my life quite empty but it was also quite boring (as was the realtionship) as devoid of people it became predictable and dull. Having interest and a life outside of any relationship is my opinion just as important as the relationship itself. Making new friends can be tough but it's an important part of life. Constantly expand your circle of influence.

Also as you have spent just so long with this person you need to give yourself a chance to think by yourself.

Personally although my heart would want to take her back as I'd invested so much of my life in her it would be a an even greater waste long term. I wouldn't be able to trust her 100% again, it would eat away at me from the inside out and in another 20 years we'd both be regretting wasting our life's.

Your young at 28 (I only met my wife 2 be at 29!!!)

Danniboo

Broken... wrote: »

OP here again.

I appreciate all the advice, I really do. But I just can't cut my fiancée and my best friend out of my life. I don't know why they did it, I don't know how long it's been going on (but my best guess is not very long) and I'm not sure I want to know the answer to either of those questions.

One person said they probably weren't feeling very sorry 5 minutes before I walked through the door and caught them together... yes this is granted... I have talked to my fiancée's best friend and she is completely disgusted and has been with me a lot all day, keeping me company and trying to raise my spirits. She has said to me that she honestly thinks it would be worth giving it another shot, just to make them both realise how much they've killed me inside and that they have done the worst possible thing in life and to make sure they are truly remorseful.

Also, my fiancée has been in my life for so long. She was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to her, she was by my side and held me when my father passed away, she has been my rock and I love her so much. I can't even contemplate life without her.

Another poster touched on something that has gotten me thinking too... did she prefer my best friend in bed? Was he better than me? Did he do things for her that I couldn't do? We have a very good sexual relationship and we obviously know each other very well and I did think that we were both happy with the sexual side of our relationship. When you've been with the one person all your life, naturally you wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. Hell, I'll admit it here I've thought about what sex with another person was like, but obviously it never went further than that; a semi-horrid thought.

The friend I'm living with at the moment has said that I'm making excuses for them. I suppose I am. I love them that much, I just want to try and put this behind us and move on. I love them, I really do. I know what they have done is horrible and unforgivable, but I really want to forgive and move along and get our lives back on track.

Maybe I'm an idiot for thinking this can be mended, but I just want it to be so badly... I love both of them. I know they were stabbing me in the back so badly, but F***... I might be the biggest idiot in the world for wanting to pick up the pieces and to try and let things go back to the way they were.

Ok, people say that my fiancée is a 'slut' and other things... but this is the first and only time in 15 years she's done anything like this.

OP you can't possibly know that! I understand why you want to mend things and make excuses for them, you'd probably do anything to stop the hurt and make things better again. Think about if you do get back with her, on your wedding day are you going to be able to stand there with her and your "best man" :rolleyes: by your side and not remember this? Please OP do not contact them at the moment, your emotionally fragile and your head is all over the place, they will only try to manipulate you and see how things aren't that bad. As for the fiancees best friend of course she's going to say give it another go, your fiancee would have her say just that. OP you need to distance yourself from all these people, fiancees best friend and all, give yourself some space and try and come to terms with the reality of the situation. You sound like a smashing guy, you deserve so much better than this.

Firetrap

Maybe you don't know your fiancée as well as you thought you did. You didn't have an inkling about what she was doing behind your back. You also can't say for how long this has been going going on.

Slattsy

I intend no disrespect here OP but I for one would think you an awful fool if you wanted to get back with her.
FFS you walked in on them, they had it all planned. Think about all the texts and calls and sex going on behind your back, in your house !!!!
Have you no pride???

Wake up and smell the coffee, she was ****ing your best mate for God knows how long, now snap out it and cut them both from your life and move on.

LegacyUser

OP, you are being taken for a fool and you are acting exactly the way both your former best friend and your former fiancée want you to behave.

Facts are, those two were at it like rabbits and would have continued to do so as long as they kept their secret. Their only shame was being caught.

You, the poor innocent party, would never have known. You would have married her and, maybe, had children. If you were lucky the children may well even have been yours, and not your former-friend's.

Get out, away from that caustic pair. Go back and you may never ever ask for help from anyone ever again. good advice here, and all of it is telling you to walk from the pair of them.

Daisy M

Broken... wrote: »

OP here again.


Maybe I'm an idiot for thinking this can be mended, but I just want it to be so badly... I love both of them. I know they were stabbing me in the back so badly, but F***... I might be the biggest idiot in the world for wanting to pick up the pieces and to try and let things go back to the way they were.

Op I am sorry to have to say this when you are obviously feeling so down, but the one thing you need to acknowledge is that you will never ever be able to get things back to the way they were. This has happened it cant be undone and it will always be there. You can try and mend the relationships if that is what you want but they will never be the same, can you live with that?

Oryx

OP, you want your life back. You want the contentment you had with your fiancee and your best friend back the way it was. No matter how remorseful they are, no matter how much you want this, you cannot have it back. Spilt milk cannot be unspilt. You can move on certainly, you could go back to her, but this betrayal will always be there. So no matter what you decide to do, dont ever think that you are returning to where you were with her, you are not. Things are different and you have to deal with that instead of sweeping all this away and returning to 'normal'.

Also, reading your posts, I hear a man who has only known this one thing. Right now you are cast adrift, both emotionally and physically. You are back to that 13 year old boy you were before you met this girl. You need to realise that going on without this relationship will certainly be the hardest thing you have ever done. Maybe harder than you think you can cope with. But dont rekindle this relationship simply because you dont see any other way, or because is the easier path, with less of the pain you feel now. Dont rush back just to make this pain go away. Deal with the pain, survive it, if you dont do it now, you never will, and you will have to go on in your life feeling as if you could never survive without this woman. You need to find out now that you could be ok without her, and knowing that, then decide whether she will eventually be part of your future again.

I am a friend

Op also remember that she has shown you the most disgusting level of disrespect... If you take her back, you are showing her that she can treat you Like dirt and get away with it. This is a license fOr her to do it again..

Neyite

OP,

Its ok to love someone yet hate them for what they did at the same time - thats part and parcel of breaking up, and the hardest part of it all is separating those two emotions of love and hate. They cant be switched off like taps, however much it would make life easier for us all.

This is your first break up. Its hitting you like a ton of bricks because of the shock, the betrayal, and the information overload from them all right now. Whether you decide to reconcile at some point is entirely up to you - however, you need to heal first before that can happen. Now is not the time to reconcile or even think it, even if you would wish it.

So, there are a few fail-safes that can help see you through.

Avoid contact with either of them, or anyone who is speaking on their behalf. The "why's" of the situation are confusing enough for you without the guilty parties using the oppertunity to put some blame on you. Friendships are for further down the line when your anger, hurt and loss are dealt with. If possessions need to be swapped, ask a friend to meet her instead.

Take up as many new interests as you can. If you have holiday time and money, go somewhere away for a total change of scenery - preferably a trip that would not have appealed to your ex but that you always wanted to do. Take up a sport, a language class, or a hobby. Invest in yourself. Try (it is hard at first though) to eat well. You will be tempted to say "no" if someone asks you to go for a pint or whatever, but say yes instead. Fake it until you dont need to fake it anymore. Try to keep busy - time is the only thing that heals here and its easier the busier you are.

Put you first. Dont be pushed or guilted into meeting up with them before you are ready to. Dont be tempted to let her have all the mutual finances - split it all down the middle and take what is yours, and do what you want with it.

It gets easier, but it does take time.

dory

OP I have a friend who just recently cheated on her husband. She's the same age as your girlfriend and has also been in a relationship since she was 13. I asked her why, and while I got all the usual, "I don't know" and "I still love him", she said 13 was just too young. You're maybe doing ok but a lot of people would find it terrifying being with someone from that age. She (my friend) says she needs time to her own person for a while and to have independence at some time in her life.

There's no saying if your gf is the same or different. But either way, I think you should give them both space. Let them stew, they deserve a bit of silence and you deserve a break. As they say if she's the one she'll come back.

fungun

She has no excuses OP - it wasnt like a drunken kiss that she really regrets. You caught them ****ing; how unlikely is it that was the first time. So (a) she made a conscious decision to sleep with another man and (b) kept doing it because clearly she liked doing it.

Going back there will lead to a lifetime of mistrust. As another poster said you cannot look back, where you were is now gone, because of her. Your only options now are to look forward; with her and a lifetime of mistrust, or without her and someone worth loving.

If you say you dont have a close relationship with your family and these really were your two closest friends, Id consider whether you have an option to move away with your job. Getting away from it all and starting anew in a new place could be just what you need. Dont jump into anything immediately of course, but consider it as an option

hey op, my heart goes out to you, it really does, however i may sound harsh here but, STOP!!

do not meet these people yet, seriously.
i understand that you want to block this from your mind and just go back to how things were before. of course you do, thats natural.

however, you cannot do what has been undone.
you need time to digest this properly. this may take months. it may take counselling.
you must deal with this.
you wont deal with it properly if you just 'forgive and forget'
it will come back, it will come out somehow.

give yourself a few weeks, do go away, do not meet these two people anytime soon. seriously. the cheek of them!!
of course they feel bad, they were caught.

dont let them off the hook. take your time. look after yourself. and forget about how they are feeling, did they think about you when they were sneaking around behind your back, texting and ringing each other? organising to meet in the afternoon because you wouldnt be home from work?
seriously, just look after yourself for a while.

you are allowed to be selfish.

fionav3

My heart goes out to you OP, what a truly s*** situation to be in. Bad enough that the person you love cheats on you, but for the other man to be your best friend? No wonder you're reeling from the double betrayel. Your so called fiance and best friend have both behaved despicably. I will say fair play to your boss for being so understanding because you really need that time right now.

You've gotten loads of great advice from everyone here so I'm not going to add to it. What I will say (and I hate to admit this to you when the pain is so raw) is that you have a long road to feeling better in front of you. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains in the world. In a way, its almost worse than physical illness because there's no magic pill to take the pain away and I'd be willing to bet you'll have days where you'd willingly sell your soul just to make the pain stop. The reason I'm telling you this? I'm speaking from experience. And while I know right now there's nothing you want more than to have the two people you love back in your life and the pain to go away, forgiving them both won't make that happen. The hurt of such a massive betrayal will always be there, and that hurt is just going to linger for longer if you give them another chance. They've both perpetrated a betrayel so deep, disgusting and horrible that there's no way for your relationship with either of them to recover from this. You'll always doubt them, and your relationship will never be the same because you'll always remember how much they hurt you. That memory will be like poison seeping into every aspect of your relationship with them (I know I sound really dramatic but I'm using strong words to match what I suspect are very strong feelings right for you right now).

I know the pain is horrendous right now, unbearable, and because there's no magic pill for heartbreak, there's no relief. But I promise you, it gets better, it really, really does. I know you feel so bad right now that you can't ever see that happening but it really does happen. I had my heart broken (shattered) and the pain was the worst I've ever experienced and I really never thought things would be okay again (despite everyone telling me otherwise), but I swear things get easier. It probably doesn't help to hear about someone else's pain right now when you're so busy trying to survive your own and you feel like no one has ever hurt as much as you're hurting right now, but I'm just trying to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It does take time but I promise it gets easier.

I normally don't make such personal posts online but I just felt so bad for you, OP that I had to. I really wish I could take away your pain because I know it hurts worse than anything and I feel so, so sorry for you. You seem like a nice guy and you definitely don't deserve to have something so bloody awful happen to you. I really don't know what else to say because I know there's nothing I can say that will help but I just wanted you to know that the pain will go and that's something to hold onto.

dellas1979

I imagine the decisions you are making right now will be made out of fear and bewilderment.

Your head is a mess and I wouldnt expect any different at this stage. Just take it day by day right now, and dont put any extra pressure on yourself.

You dont or shouldnt make any major decisions right now. Just give yourself a little bit of time to understand/get your head around what happened. Youre in shock right now, next will come the anger. Once the anger comes, you'll see things a little differently, and maybe then decide to not try fix things.

banshee_bones

Broken... wrote: »

I don't know how long it's been going on (but my best guess is not very long) and I'm not sure I want to know the answer to either of those questions.

As you just said, no you don't know how long it has been going on, and OP it could have been going on for a very very long time, and how much longer had you not caught them?

And why do you not want to know the answer? Incase it isnt a short amount of time? Are you basing your decision to repair things with them on the basis of if this was a one off? I think that would be a huge mistake. If it happened one time or ten, its still an unspeakable betrayl.

Broken... wrote: »

I have talked to my fiancée's best friend and she is completely disgusted and has been with me a lot all day, keeping me company and trying to raise my spirits. She has said to me that she honestly thinks it would be worth giving it another shot, just to make them both realise how much they've killed me inside and that they have done the worst possible thing in life and to make sure they are truly remorseful.

Eh well of course she is going to say that, isnt she, shes your fiancées best friend.

Broken... wrote: »

Also, my fiancée has been in my life for so long. She was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to her, she was by my side and held me when my father passed away, she has been my rock and I love her so much. I can't even contemplate life without her.

Given how she treated you I would say she obviously holds none of this in the same regard you do.

Broken... wrote: »

The friend I'm living with at the moment has said that I'm making excuses for them. I suppose I am. I love them that much, I just want to try and put this behind us and move on. I love them, I really do. I know what they have done is horrible and unforgivable, but I really want to forgive and move along and get our lives back on track.

In my opinion, your friend is right. Look, it's only natural to feel this way, they are all you have ever known. No body likes massive change and upheaval but it's part and parcel of life.

Broken... wrote: »

Her best friend has told me that she never knew about this, and she cried with me when she came to see me, and promised me that she would have stopped this if she'd known.

I'm starting to get my head wrapped around this slowly... I'm going to try and get into contact with them tomorrow, and see what comes of that.

And what could she have done? babysat them 24-7? If it was going to happen it was going to happen, they are all adults.

I would STRONGLY urge you to sleep on it a bit longer, let them stew a bit longer, you are still in a HUGE amount of shock, get someone to take your phone away. Go for a walk, clear your head, you deserve to take as much time as you need to think about how to pick up the pieces, look after yourself and move on. You owe those two cheaters NOTHING.

santana75

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I'd make them stew if I were you. You owe them the same loyalty and respect that they have afforded you which amounts to roughly zilch. I'd view talking to them as something that's really quite secondary in all of this. You need to work on yourself for now love and getting your head around what has happened.

+1. Seriously OP you need to take more time to let all of this sink in. You owe them nothing, let the pair of them suffer in your silence. If you never spoke to either of them again that would send a clear message. I know you've no family to turn to and so that makes things harder than usual, but still for your own sake dont take them back, dont even give them the time of day. What happened is a deal breaker. I know its hard to cut her from your life but sometimes you just have to do very hard things in order to look after yourself.

tinkerbell

OP, I hope you are doing ok, what an awful thing to happen to you.

What you have to realise is that your fiancé and best friend have done the worst thing possible they could ever do to you. You say you don't know if it's the first time or the 100th time it's happened, but I seriously doubt it's the first time. They were together in your house in the middle of the day, they clearly had all that planned out that they could be together while you were at work. So I seriously doubt it's the first time this has happened. More likely it was a full blown affair and how easy it would be for them to do so since you had no reason to distrust either of them.

I don't know how you can forgive either of them to be honest. They are only sorry now because they got caught. What would've happened if you hadn't come home early? They would have carried on, making a fool of you. It's actually disgusting, I really think that it's just rotten to the core.

I just really don't see a way back from this - it's the ultimate betrayal. How can you ever look your supposed best friend in the eye again knowing that he has screwed your fiancée? And how can you ever look your fiancée in the eye again knowing that she screwed your best friend in your bed? I don't see how you could ever even sleep with your fiancée again as you'd be too busy worrying about how you compare now to your best friend.

By the way, I don't see why YOU have to move out of your house. You should tell her to move out. You're the one who has been crushed here and now are sleeping on a friend's couch while she no doubt as your best friend over there in your house consoling each other. As other posters have said, this is a complete deal-breaker, there is no going back here. You can't betray someone more than what your fiancée and best friend did.

It's going to be extremely hard for the first while, but time will heal your pain. You are better off without them both. I just fail to see how this can be repaired - the two people you trusted most in your life did this to you. There is no repairing that, it's over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life. Be strong OP, you deserve much much better than them.

username123

username123 wrote: »

Of course, wonder how sorry they were feeling 5 minutes before you walked in that door? Not much Id guess.


Ah bless. Theyve been caught out sticking a knife in your back and THEYRE devastated? Poor things. They werent too worried about the devastation when they were hooking up behind your back were they?




Of course theyre sorry, they have been caught doing something absolutely disgusting!! If you forgive them then they can convince themselves that it wasnt that bad at all.

Think long and hard before mending things up OP. Initially there would be relief and the fear of big change would be gone. But in time, when all the dust has settled, you will find yourself looking at things differently. You'll never trust either of them again, you'll be suspicious if they speak to each other, say hello to each other. You'll wonder if your GF is doing this with someone else, you'll wonder why they thought so little of you as to do this. It will eat at your self esteem. It will change how you look at them.

Do you want a future of being suspicious, of wondering if they are at it again, of wondering if she is at it with someone else? Do you want to be tormenting yourself wondering if she preferred him in bed to you? Will you be able to accept that you took her (and him) back into your life because it was too hard to let go and respect yourself?

Would you be able to stand up there on your wedding day knowing that they have done this?

I think you should do nothing yet. Let the dust settle. Take time to get your head round things and get some perspective. Dont talk to them yet either - its too raw.

Im glad you got time off work and your boss sounds like a very nice person - you dont need to feel not proud about how you told her - its fine!

OP i was going to post my advice but this post is so spot on that i need say no more.
Getting time off work was very wise move as you need time and space to heal from this.
i suppose the thing that struck me about your opening post is the fact ye have been together for so long and you stated that you never spent much time apart. Now im not criticising you or anything op but it is possible that when two people spend so long together from such a young age with little time apart that relationships can become strained. Space is as important as time together.
that said there is just no excuse from this betrayal. it is disgusting carry on and they are only sorry they were caught. its not as cut and thrust as it sounds and it is understandable you would still love her but if i had caught my girlfriend in bed with my best mate then i really dont think the scars would heal for either relationship to be anyway ok again. there would be just no going back.

i suppose all you can do is take time to get perspective on the situation. we are all rooting for you here. i would advice for you to seek relationship counselling soon.
this is a truly awful shock to your system and you need someone professional to talk to at a time like this.

Mr. Mac

OP - first off what a terrible thing to have to go through. I really do feel for you.
From your posts it seems you are more than likely to let these 2 people back into your life.

Just ask yourself this -are you seriously going to continue having these people close to you knowing what you know and what you saw?

You seem a good lad and believe me pal it will get better with time. You dont deserve this.

Do yourself a favour, move on and build your life back together with someone that treats you with the respect you deserve. Your 2 'mates' dont do that.

It hurts now but in a couple of months time you will have a different perspective.

If you let either of them back in they will hurt you again.

Moomoo1

the fact they were doing it in your own house, in your own bed, suggests that this wasn't the first time, not anywhere near that. There are many different locations at which they could have cheated and stood next to no chance of discovery, so I would suggest they were becoming complacent...

ando

OP please dont just go back to her without seriously giving yourself some time and space from them and their representatives.. ofcourse her friend will tell you to try again, thats her job!!!

Life's a b1tch sometimes, but things turn out best for those who make the best out of the way things turn out. Honestly its true. I was in a long term relationship that was dying but my ex decided to jump ship before it was officially over and was messing around with someone else. It broke my heart that she after all that time, lacked the respect to end it naturally, even though I knew it was over, it was the dishonesty, the lying to my face as I enquired her about it and behind my back sneakiness that really hurt more than anything Ive experienced. I too broke down infront of my boss back then. But 1 year down the line I’m with the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever been with, physically stunning looking and our personalities are such a match its shocking. My point being, you are probably right now just looking for the quickest, easiest solution and you dont think there is any other way, no other girl on the horizon etc. Life goes on as hard as it is and if you work at it, you will be happy again in time.. BUT you must give yourself time!!! to heal and space away from these backstabbers. Life is too short to be linked to these fools. Be strong

pragmatic1

Cut them both out of your life OP. Dont even acknowledge their existence. It'll take time but you'll be much better off in the end.

LegacyUser

OP here again...

It's been a few days, and I've not spoken to either of them, or seen them. That was so hard for me... I really wanted to call them, but I didn't.

My fiancée has moved back to her parents' house, taking her possessions from our house (which I own, btw. No mortgage or anything) and leaving everything else untouched. The keys she had were posted through the letter slot. I have since returned to my home. The friend I was living with has come with me and is keeping me company and staying over with me. He's been great. More than great. Totally above and beyond the call of duty for me.

Also, I found two handwritten letters in the house. One from my fiancée and one from my best friend. They were heart-wrenching. Truly and utterly. They admitted they've been having this affair for two months. They admitted they had no thoughts of breaking it off, but that they did often fight that it would kill me to find out and that they should stop... there's the obvious statement of the century. But they detailed how bad they felt, and they admitted that they do feel so guilty now only because I found out. They didn't beg for forgiveness, but rather asked that I take time and see how I felt with time.

I still want to have them in my life. Is it wrong that I want to forgive my best friend more than my fiancée? I want him in my life so much, despite what he's done. I cannot envision a life without him. We were some duo throughout our lives; where you'd see one of us, the other was never far away... I know it's sick to think this way, after how I've been stabbed in the back (several times), but I just don't want a brotherly friendship like ours to be killed.

The phone calls and messages of support from friends and even my family have been a tremendous help. My sister (whom I never saw eye-to-eye with) met me for a coffee and a chat. She said that despite our differences she loves me so much and she was sickened by what happened. She told me that my parents, again despite our major differences, would be there to support me if I needed anything and that they always loved me, despite it all... Needless to say, I broke down in tears again... I couldn't help it.

The last week has been the most trying, most difficult and most dreadful of my entire life. The pain I experienced is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. But I am slowly starting to feel slightly better. Support from people I did not even think would care, help coming from angles I did not even imagine, slowly trying to piece together what the hell went wrong that I was so blind... it's all theraputic and helping me.

Thanks for everything.

I do think when the time is right that the OP deserves to know the exact truth about how long this has been going on for. i can understand the ops current mindset. its almost as if he has to grieve for two people he has lost. while at some stage i believe you will have to confront them about this i would encourage you to take your time and be strong. Don't let these people or their cronies manipulate you. You might want things the same but im afraid this has happened and you have to digest it. the situation wont change and pretending it didnt happen wont change it. Don't blame yourself. they are the ones who are dishonest and will ultimately lose out the most in the long run AND DESERVE TO. There is better things in life ahead for you though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I will contradict the other posters here a bit though. I feel moral denunciations can get in the way of actually looking at a situation. This situation is somewhat different to the normal ones, in that well - the parties involved were best friends and lovers for 15 years since they were teenagers!

But first: Are they really your best friends and lovers? Attraction to others is not a sin in and of itself. The smirking disrespect implied by catching them red-handed seems obvious, but then again people are weak, do not like to face up to difficult situations, and can be thoughtless in the heat of the moment - without having disrespectful or evil intentions. It would be good to know which in this situation, but only you and your instinct knows best. Certainly no poster here knows.

That out of the way - IF all parties were committed to being honest and respectful of each other in a GENUINE way, then I would simply point out that polyamorous relationships are possible.

I say this while acknowledging that you won't be able to put the genie back in the bottle (in this I agree with other posters), and it is possible that the two of them would end up just having their own relationship anyway. It might be still a bit taboo in Ireland, but well.. just read some biographies of Simone de Beauvoir or Anais Nin. You can read books, and there are websites.

If you cannot countenance such a relationship however, and want exclusive monogamy, then I would agree with the general thrust of the advice of other posters and just cut ties with as much classiness as you can. Wishing you lots of luck.

banshee_bones

Broken... wrote: »

OP here again...

It's been a few days, and I've not spoken to either of them, or seen them. That was so hard for me... I really wanted to call them, but I didn't.

My fiancée has moved back to her parents' house, taking her possessions from our house (which I own, btw. No mortgage or anything) and leaving everything else untouched. The keys she had were posted through the letter slot. I have since returned to my home. The friend I was living with has come with me and is keeping me company and staying over with me. He's been great. More than great. Totally above and beyond the call of duty for me.

Also, I found two handwritten letters in the house. One from my fiancée and one from my best friend. They were heart-wrenching. Truly and utterly. They admitted they've been having this affair for two months. They admitted they had no thoughts of breaking it off, but that they did often fight that it would kill me to find out and that they should stop... there's the obvious statement of the century. But they detailed how bad they felt, and they admitted that they do feel so guilty now only because I found out. They didn't beg for forgiveness, but rather asked that I take time and see how I felt with time.

I still want to have them in my life. Is it wrong that I want to forgive my best friend more than my fiancée? I want him in my life so much, despite what he's done. I cannot envision a life without him. We were some duo throughout our lives; where you'd see one of us, the other was never far away... I know it's sick to think this way, after how I've been stabbed in the back (several times), but I just don't want a brotherly friendship like ours to be killed.

The phone calls and messages of support from friends and even my family have been a tremendous help. My sister (whom I never saw eye-to-eye with) met me for a coffee and a chat. She said that despite our differences she loves me so much and she was sickened by what happened. She told me that my parents, again despite our major differences, would be there to support me if I needed anything and that they always loved me, despite it all... Needless to say, I broke down in tears again... I couldn't help it.

The last week has been the most trying, most difficult and most dreadful of my entire life. The pain I experienced is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. But I am slowly starting to feel slightly better. Support from people I did not even think would care, help coming from angles I did not even imagine, slowly trying to piece together what the hell went wrong that I was so blind... it's all theraputic and helping me.

Thanks for everything.

Hi OP

First of well done on staying so strong and not contacting them. I'm also really glad to hear that you are finding support that you didnt know you had, I hope that out of this mess hopefully you might be able to start on building a closer realtionship with members of your family that you arent close to. Every cloud and all that.

You will still be pretty raw no doubt, so don't rush into anything, take as much time as you need for yourself. It isnt such a horrible thing to want to repair things, but you need to do it for the right reasons, not just because you are afraid of the unknown and having to build a new life with new friends and put yourself out there which you having had a girlfriend for so long never really had to do.

Anyway, this is a time for you to decide about what you want and a time to put yourself first, so mind yourself and don't give those other two any more of your time and energy, a guilty letter doesnt undo months of cheating on you.

dellas1979

I am delighted and happy for you that through this mess, you have reconnected with your family - and you know that they are there for you and I hope you find (unknown) strength in this. Reminds me of the Coldplay song "lights will guide you home". Its times like this that you find out what you are made of.

Look, what I want to say is that even if you decide to forgive your friend, you are a better person than most people I know (including me). What would be going on in my head is that, despite all the history you have with your friend and nostalgia, he would have shared the same experiences, he still did this to you.

I am a friend

Broken... wrote: »

what the hell went wrong that I was so blind...

You werent blind - you were normal... You cant enter into an engagement being suspicious of your partner so please dont beat yourself up about trusting her (and him).

Your friend doesnt deserve your friendship.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, exact same thing happened me recently. August bank holiday i found out.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056319873

I totally understand where you are. currently i am still with the wife and we have been to counseling for a few months but stopped then. we are at a point were we are trying to move on and we have answered the why she did it. when, how, it was going on for at least nine months. i suspect a lot longer than that. Its still raw with me and i still have night mares about him mostly. I have sent him the odd ranting text but we haven't talked and I am not going to. I don't want to talk to him again for the rest of my life. the difference between me and you is that i took my partner fro granted and didn't treat her very well for a long time. I didn't have an affair but i was an asshole quite often. not suggesting i deserved it but at one friend put it. if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. i dont know if we will work but if we don't i am past the no appetite. no sleep. drinking too much etc. I could walk away now a lot easier than i could 3 months ago because i have got my head around it. you need time. you need to be alone or with unconnected friends for at least 2 weeks to a month. don't talk to her best friend and try not to talk to anyone who is a mutual acquaintance because it makes it harder.

chin up and i hope you get better soon. i don't know if it will work out for you or me but i am trying.

foxyboxer

OP, have you considered the fact that they may be feeling guilty and remorseful not because they have betrayed your trust but rather they may be concerned with the damage they have both done to their own reputations with all your other friends and families?

For me the crux of the matter is this; Your best friend, who could choose to meet and sleep with any other woman chose your fiance to have an affair with. That is a major breach of trust and respect for you.

Daisy M

Hi op, I am really pleased for you that you are getting such good support. you are obviously a very special person to have so many people around you who you can rely on.

I feel bad saying this but from the details you gave here of the letters you received from both of them, it sounds as though they may be considering continuing on their relationship and you need to be prepared for this possibility. It sounds as if they do care about you to a certain extent but they cared for eachother and themselves much more. You are better off without them in your life.

trio

foxyboxer wrote: »

OP, have you considered the fact that they may be feeling guilty and remorseful not because they have betrayed your trust but rather they may be concerned with the damage they have both done to their own reputations with all your other friends and families?

For me the crux of the matter is this; Your best friend, who could choose to meet and sleep with any other woman chose your fiance to have an affair with. That is a major breach of trust and respect for you.

I agree. Whilst I do completely understand your grief at the thought of losing your best friend; he could have chosen anyone else. Anyone else in the world.

You could turn around to me and say "You don't understand, he's always been lousy with women - possibly she's the only one who even talked to him/got him", I'd say OK, but you know what? he also could have chosen no-one. If you and your fiance and himself were the last three people left alive on the earth, and you had to repopulate the planet, I'd still have expected him to hold off. Cos she's his best friend's fiance.

I'm honestly glad he was there for you in the past when you needed it - that was fantastic for you to have. But he has sh*t on you from a height. And very very sadly, what it comes down to is this:

You love him more than he loves you.

I truly hate having to spell it out. I wish it weren't so.