Am in being selfish? Did i do something wrong?

Smally89

First post so bear with me....

was in a relationship with the nicest, loving, caring,guy that i loved with all of my heart... from day one we hit it off and there was such a connection between us... we felt comfortable talking to eachother about anything.so much so that in the first week he told me he suffered from depression because he did not want to keep it from me.. i respected his honesty and it did not change my feelings towards him...(why should it?!)....

6 months down the line and things have changed...i had to be at his every beckon call..7 nights a week he wanted to be with me..when i had plans made with friends he would ring and say that he is really down and needs to talk etc etc always resulting in worrying auld me running to him to comfort him...I tried to be as supportive as i could to him but eventually it was all too much and the pressure of only being in the door from work 5 mins and having to run out the door to drive to his to be at his side started to take its toll on me...mentally and physically...

so moving on it was my best friends bday and me and her were both sick with the flu so called for a girlies night, face masks,dvd, glass of wine...we all went to bed by 12.30pm and i woke the next morning to find 14 calls and 9 msgs on my phone of him asking where i was etc etc (i told him that day what my plans were)... this got to much and i told him i needed space to breath...to which he replied 'take as long as u want we are done'...
He is now regretting saying this and is trying everything in his power to get me back from flowers-councelling starting in a few days..he has also told me the week we broke up that he was being weened off the anti-depressants and this caused the outbursts and moodswings..

should i have been more supportive of him and the situation he was going through? Am i right to be annoyed he didnt tell me about coming off the tablets because maybe that could have justified the outbursts instead of me thinking i had done something wrong? Am i being selfish in wanting space from him to clear my own head and wanting to get my life back on track? Should i just walk away? I have tried and tried and tried...:(

Apologies for the long stori and hope it makes sense cause im all over the place at the moment!

coolcat63

Don't walk. RUN

daisybelle2008

You have basically being a round the clock care assistant for someone with mental health issues. Not sure why you would think people would think you are being selfish. Most people would be shocked you are in this relationship on those terms. He is highly dependent on you, which is not healthy for him never mind you.
He needs professional help and is clearly not in a fit state for a relationship. I think you are going to find it harder to remove yourself from this situation unfortunately. This is a very unhealthy situation to be in only 6 months in! Remove yourself for your own sake.

Big Bag of Chips

Depression is a terrible thing, and has the power to turn people into something that, naturally, they are not.

My husband suffers and, this may sound selfish, but my life is horrible when he's having an episode. I'm walking on eggshells. If I don't talk to him, it pisses him off, because he says it's like I'm annoyed at him for being depressed. If I DO talk to him it pisses him off that I am "carrying on as normal" while he is feeling so down...

It's a no win situation.

Your bf suffers, fair enough. And he appears to be dealing with it (medication etc). But... and here's the big but... you get a choice. You get to decide what you are happy to live with.

It has taken me many years of various rows and various talks to make my husband aware of how he treats (used to treat!) me during his depressive times. He has made huge leaps to change his behaviour and attitude to me while going through a bad patch. It's not rosy, but its better, and I'm also trying to be more understanding of where he's at, at the time.

If you want to he in s relationship with him, you should be able to sit down and talk through things. You might need to accept that sometimes he can't help how he's feeling or things he might do/say, but he also should acknowledge how his behaviour affects you... because your feelings, are just as valid as his.

Sliuniav4ik

You are not being selfish at all. All the things you are asking are description of normal reaction.

BarackPyjama

You have to ask yourself if it's worth being in a toxic relationship for the sake of being empathic towards someone who has mental health problems. It's a fairly clear choice if you ask me. Irrational outbursts and unprovoked moodiness/'being difficult' in a relationship is, in essence, an abusive relationship. The fact is that, if things don't improve drastically, you're about to embark on a life of misery with this guy. I'm not having a go at him - mental and/or emotional health issues are tragic. But you can't let someone with them drag you down with them.

Sephiroth_dude

You didn't do anything wrong o.p.,you were at his beck and call whenever he needed you and then he goes and has a strop and breaks up with you because you wouldn't answer your phone?

LegacyUser

I have worked for many years supporting people with mental health issues in relationships.
A few things I tell them...

Depression gives you extra problems - therefore you have to work harder to take care of yourself. This means meds, counselling, healthy eating, exercise, vitamins, good sleep...whatever it takes. You have to stay on top of your illness and take responsibility to do your part in managing it.

Depression doesn't mean you get to disrepect boundaries. Everyone in a relationship has boundaries and unless it is a life/death emergency, these need to be respected. Especially with contact (frequency and intensity of phone calls, emails, text, seeing the person). If you are feeling insecure, neglected, - that is something to discuss with your therapist before approaching your partner to determine if the feelings are coming from the depression or are valid relationship concerns.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to date you, not your depression. they accept you have depression but see that as a part of you but not defining you. So every time you text, talk, email...ask yourself is it YOU saying x,y,z or is the depression talking. No one likes to answer the phone and hear depression talking. Your depression or needs for support about your depression should not dominate your relationship or interactions. You shouldn't use your depression to get your needs met in a relationship.

Your boyfriend/ girlfriend should not be your only source of support. Depression sucks - Find support groups, other friends, family, professionals and seek support in many places. Placing the burden of support on one person is too intense and makes you dependent on them. They aren't your doctor, they are your boyfriend/girlfriend and you will burn them out if you are too needy or dependent.

It seems OP that your boyfriend hasn't figured out really all how to date in a healthy way with depression. I would take a break...then if you are still interested and want to pursue the relationship you need to make very clear your boundaries, your role and and your expectations. Right now you are dating his depression, not him!

Mighty_Mouse

This is emotional blackmail.
Don't accept this form of manipulation into your life.
At 22 years old you should be putting yourself 1st.
What's right for you is not necessarily right for your bf.

Lon Dubh

BarackPyjama wrote: »

You have to ask yourself if it's worth being in a toxic relationship for the sake of being empathic towards someone who has mental health problems. It's a fairly clear choice if you ask me. Irrational outbursts and unprovoked moodiness/'being difficult' in a relationship is, in essence, an abusive relationship. The fact is that, if things don't improve drastically, you're about to embark on a life of misery with this guy. I'm not having a go at him - mental and/or emotional health issues are tragic. But you can't let someone with them drag you down with them.

+1 Your relationship sounds to me like it was abusive (even if he did not intend to be abusive). His behaviour sounds countrolling and childish. Everyone needs space to do their own thing and spend time with other friends. This is normal and healthy, and if your relationship was caring and healthy he would be happy for you to do things on your own, not splitting up with you and throwing a hissy fit beause you spent a night with your friends. I think you have had a lucky escape, even if it hurts right now.

He sounds like he is not in a good place to be in a relationship. It may be because of the depression, or it may be because he is also has other issues which make him behave the way he does. Either way I would let this one go. Someone does not have a right to treat you badly even if they have some problems.

Edit: MH Advice's post is very good above, particularly on the boundaries issue. You have a right to be able to set healthy boundaries in a relationship and it sounds like he did not respect those boundaries.