Still unsure if can ever fit either gender

Freiheit

Hi all,now 23 days on t blockers and while it's for the best,I got such a hard time from family that it caused former doubts to resurface,part of which is whether i really fit either gender role well...and whether it would be really possible for me to create an entirely new identity and be accepted in such,im fairly gender fluid and for that reason have sometimes felt a bit on the outside in some t circles. Im still proceeding with treatment but no longer sure of where exactly i want to go...old doubts have resurfaced in the aftermath of trauma...

deirdre_dub

Freiheit wrote: »

Hi all,now 23 days on t blockers and while it's for the best,I got such a hard time from family that it caused former doubts to resurface,part of which is whether i really fit either gender role well...

First of all - *hugs*.

The only gender role you have to fit is yours, whatever that might be. You've tried being "male", and that hasn't worked for you. Similarly, if you aren't "female", and try and fit that role, you will likely end up unhappy again.

So the task at hand is to find out what your gender is, and then find a way to express it!

As for family - remember, you have to live with yourself first. All too often, family don't accept who we truly are, but that isn't going to stop you from being who you truly are, and it won't cure your dysphoria from being unable to express who you truly are.

and whether it would be really possible for me to create an entirely new identity and be accepted in such

If you accept your identity, others will likely do the same. If there is something about your identity that isn't quite "you", people will pick up on that, and you'll likely face at least a bit of grief over it.

im fairly gender fluid and for that reason have sometimes felt a bit on the outside in some t circles

Im still proceeding with treatment but no longer sure of where exactly i want to go...old doubts have resurfaced in the aftermath of trauma...

There are an awful lot of challenges in transitioning. Keep in touch with yourself, keep sight of what makes you happy, what makes you content in your skin, and keep aiming to increase that happiness and contentment.

Louisevb

Ignore family grief as hard as that is to do... Family are not living your life ...you are. There is no rush to do anything...If you decide where your gender lies in five years or ten years or never, then that's the way it will be.
Let no one influence how you feel, either family or peers.
Good Luck

Freiheit

Thanks deirdre,its always been more about expression for me and my expression and tendencies have always been fairly female...but this never equated to a loathing of my penis,my body hair,male facial structure yes but not my penis,eventual srs would only be to conform to the norm if at some point i feels its necessary...i worry about my broad shoulders and size 11 feet,i worry that il be harassed if i wear obviously female clothes and look like a guy in them,i suppose part of me isnt questioning my identity,just whether the upheaval is worth it,my town is small,familial sense of shame is high,would be heartbreaking to be entirely cut off in another city...but i am likely to continue with hrt

Louisevb

I know quite a few who fit your description .....but what you have forgotten is that hormones will change your body shape and facial expression, allow you to speak with a more feminine voice. At the moment you are probably thinking as you say that you look like a man in a dress... we all do at some point... but that changes with time and the younger you are the more effective the hormones are. give it a year at least and then see..

Freiheit

Thanks Louise,im just no longer sure whether the project of full reassignment is worth the upheaval...il continue and see how things go,theres no question of me ever being typical...i might be happier as a non binary trans person,id probably retain more of my former relationships...but thats me focusing on others again...i want to look ok and im not sure whats realistic,hormones dont affect voice though

Freiheit

I think societies views on gender are a bit bipolar........Gender Identity Disorder assumes that there's an orderly way to be gendered...says a lot.

Louisevb

Actually voice is changed as it's easier to lift the base line...not with everyone though. I had a friend on the phone today in a similar situation.. and I told her the same thing as you. Be selfish, focus on yourself... forget what others think..

Freiheit

It's worth reemphasising though,gender is more fluid than acknowledged by the current medical model,those who don't quite fit either mould need recognition and protection too.

apache

Freiheit wrote: »

It's worth reemphasising though,gender is more fluid than acknowledged by the current medical model,those who don't quite fit either mould need recognition and protection too.

can you not be whatever makes you happy instead of conforming to one side or another?

i'm sure you feel pressure from all sides but you know there are people like you out there and also those who are attracted to you just the way you are

i think confidence in oneself is a sexy thing in itself.
let me hear you roar............

LegacyUser

Freiheit wrote: »

Hi all,now 23 days on t blockers and while it's for the best,I got such a hard time from family that it caused former doubts to resurface,part of which is whether i really fit either gender role well...and whether it would be really possible for me to create an entirely new identity and be accepted in such,im fairly gender fluid and for that reason have sometimes felt a bit on the outside in some t circles. Im still proceeding with treatment but no longer sure of where exactly i want to go...old doubts have resurfaced in the aftermath of trauma...

Well you are one step ahead of me: I don't have any female mannerisms insofar as I'm aware. I'm ordinarily male and don't consider mysef gay or female, yet I really don't want dangly bits and do very much want boobs. I also know that my family, most of whom live elsewhere in the world, would be very upset, confused and embarrased if I 'wore a skirt'; They're completely unaware that I'm 'different'.

BlueSmoker

Amplee wrote: »

Well you are one step ahead of me: I don't have any female mannerisms insofar as I'm aware. I'm ordinarily male and don't consider mysef gay or female, yet I really don't want dangly bits and do very much want boobs. I also know that my family, most of whom live elsewhere in the world, would be very upset, confused and embarrased if I 'wore a skirt'; They're completely unaware that I'm 'different'.

Most of the important people in our lives are unaware how we feel, it dosen't mean we feel any way different, than the average joe soap, have you considered you might be a transvestite, which is very close to a drag queen. Except one is private the other is public . None of us can really understand where we fit in the Transgendered community, I have lost myself within rules of being transexual, I've no doubt I am, but I find the hiearchay a little to strong to handle, most transexuals make me nervous (mainly because of media) I'm transpobic of myself, which scares me more than being a transexual. I'm more scared of being myself, than being myself (how stupid does that sound)

I also just watched "My transexual Summer" it helped me huge amounts, they throw questions out there, that I believed I shouldn't ask, they allowed me to feel for once I'm human," I'm aloud walk down the street as find a job in a cafe" as Drew pointed out. I really admire her and she is right I deserve to be able to walk down the street to my job, regardless in how the world recives me (I'm still human)

Freiheit

I am Transgender,but in my own way....which is probably a bit short of traditional male or female,but much closer to female. I suppose all I can do is be myself and not worry about whether I do or don't fit in.

Some of what one hears in some sections doesn't make sense 'I knew at 4 that I was a girl',one may empathise at 4 with girls but how does that make one a girl? It's sadly a very gendered world which probably explains why one is encouraged to conform to one side or the other. I may well in the distant future have full gender reassignment,maybe if circumstances direct me that way,likewise I might not, but there's many aspects of some trans ideologies which I'm very uncomfortable with.


Gender Identity Disorder assumes that there's an orderly way to be gendered. Everyone should feel free to express their own gender identity whatever that is. Just because it might not conform to either pole does not make it disordered.

I'm aiming to just be myself.

deirdre_dub

Freiheit wrote: »

Some of what one hears in some sections doesn't make sense 'I knew at 4 that I was a girl',one may empathise at 4 with girls but how does that make one a girl?

Well, that wasn't my experience (I didn't know until I was 39 :eek:), but I don't doubt the experience of those who say that it happened that way for them. Though, to be honest, I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone say that they knew when they were 4 - the earliest I've heard was age 7 or so.

Gender Identity Disorder assumes that there's an orderly way to be gendered. Everyone should feel free to express their own gender identity whatever that is. Just because it might not conform to either pole does not make it disordered.

This. Very much this. Thanks.

deirdre_dub

BlueSmoker wrote: »

I have lost myself within rules of being transexual

The first rule of being transsexual is be yourself. The second rule of being transsexual is be yourself. The third rule of being transsexual is be yourself.

(With apologies to "fight club").

At least, those should be the three rules of being transsexual.

I find the hiearchay a little to strong to handle

I solve that problem quite nicely. I create a heirarchy of one, and appoint myself supreme ruler.

most transexuals make me nervous (mainly because of media)

We really really really aren't what the media portrays us as being.

I'm transpobic of myself, which scares me more than being a transexual. I'm more scared of being myself, than being myself (how stupid does that sound)

Internalised transphobia.

I beat my own internalised transphobia by meeting other trans people, seeing that they were just normal people, and by educating myself about transgenderism. I hope the same works for you.

I also just watched "My transexual Summer" it helped me huge amounts, they throw questions out there, that I believed I shouldn't ask, they allowed me to feel for once I'm human," I'm aloud walk down the street as find a job in a cafe" as Drew pointed out. I really admire her and she is right I deserve to be able to walk down the street to my job, regardless in how the world recives me (I'm still human)

Yes, you are human. Yes, ask those questions. And yes, you have the right to walk down the street to your job.

Going to the office for me involves cycling on my fold-up bike to the LUAS, getting a DART, and then cycling from the other DART station to the office. I do it presenting as me - as female. I have the damn human right to do that. I have the human right to walk on the street and to take public transport and to earn a living. And so do you.

Freiheit

Hi all,you know strange though it seems,my actual legal gender doesn't really matter to me,it's about expression and mine is fairly exceptional by male standards. I know that for practical reasons this could become a problem for me but I'm actually not that bothered whether I tick the m or f box or neither,now anyway. It's important for me to accept this now and not try to force myself to fit a box.

Sure I'd never have chosen to be born a guy or with a penis but neither feel that important to me,that's ok. Had been pressurising myself to conform to another set of rules,that's the sort of behaviour that could lead to regrets later.

I actually relate a lot to Donna on my Transsexual Summer,she'd be on the androgynous side and not that binary either.

This questioning has did me good. Yeah I'll continue with treatment and see where it takes me,I'll enjoy the journey too!

wonderfulname

Good for you, just be you and do what feels right and you can't go much wrong.