Relationship too intense

LegacyUser

Right, so I'm gonna go unreg for this one.

Basically, I've started seeing this guy recently and in my mind it's quite a casual thing. We've only really been getting together for just over a week, but it's already getting more intense than I'd like. I think he's a really nice guy, but he's extremely eager and very, very keen to meet up all the time and have me stay at his house with him and such. I'm in college and have exams coming up shortly, so I simply don't have the time to hang out with him as much as he'd like. He's older than me and not in college, and sometimes doesn't understand when I can't meet up. He's extremely tactile and tells me how much he likes me all the time. It's nice that he likes me, but it's starting to feel a little overwhelming. He calls me a lot just to talk, even when there's nothing to say, he's constantly touching me and hugging me when we're together and often talks about how "special" I am and such. He's physically intense and it sometimes feels like an invasion of my personal space, and I get very little time to myself with the calls and cringey texts and the constant wanting to meet up. These aren't exactly bad points, and I still like him and I want to give him a chance, but he's just so intense. I told him yesterday that I felt that it was getting intense very quickly, and he just told me not to say that.

I don't know if I want to continue the relationship if it's going to be like this. I want to spend time with my friends without him hanging out of me and calling me all the time, and I need to concentrate on college work too. I've never really been in a proper relationship, and I don't really see this as a proper relationship either, but I feel like he's coming on very, very strong. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just let him express how much he claims to like me in whatever way he wants, or if I need to be more firm with him. I feel though that if I'm too firm, he'll back off completely.

Just wondering if other people have been in similar situations and if there's any advice on how I should deal with the issue.

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the length!

sam34

he's like that after a week? and dismisses it when you raise it as an issue?

tbh, I'd be gone out of there. I can't stand that sort of over the top intensity and the inevitable drama that follows it.

Payton

TBH alarm bells are ringing in every paragraph. He seems to be smothering you, it would be the constant ringing and texting and only after a week!!.
You need your own time and space with your friends, and your college work. For someone to say to you that you are "Special" within a week is kind of off putting. Judging by your post you have kind of answered your own question. From what you saying its not a healthy start to a new relationship if your raising all of those issues.

fungun

TheBookThief wrote: »

I told him yesterday that I felt that it was getting intense very quickly, and he just told me not to say that.

This is the bit thats unacceptable. Right, maybe he is naturally a bit intense and you could live with a compromise situation. But you raise an issue and he says 'dont say that'

Id be interested to hear what your response to that was. Just because you havent been in a proper relationship, dont feel shy about sayng what you want/feel. Id have replied to that saying something like 'Why shouldnt I say that? Its what I feel. You need to understand I need some time to myself and for my college work if this is going to work'

This sounds like a lot more his issue than yours

missbelle

Sounds like you have different ideas on (the start of) a relationship that you'd like to be in. I went through something similar, though not quite as intense, where he would text me and then ring me 5mins later had I not replied asking why wasn't I talking to him. I wouldn't mind, but I was 22, and he 29, not like we were teenagers turns out he puts off any girl he's with with his intensity and eagerness. He's still single now :eek:

I agree with what the other posters have said. Just to warn you though that he probably won't take lightly if you decide to break things off, but you gotta do what is right for yourself!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

When I told him that it was getting too intense and he told me not to say that, I said that we were just getting to know each other and that maybe we should take it slower. He then told me not to worry, that ultimately it was my choice if I wanted to give it a go, but that he wanted me to give it a chance. That's fine, but then the last day I was talking to him and he was going on again about how much he liked me and how there had been many girls, but that he wanted to actually have a go at a proper relationship with me. This makes me uneasy for some reason. Is that just 'getting in my pants' talk? I am also just kind of having trouble believing him when he goes on about how much he likes me and how "special" I am - he doesn't really know me, like.

fungun

yeah sounds a bit iffy to me tbh. Id be keeping him at arms length for a bit longer (or maybe forever!) if i were you.

Fox McCloud

To be honest it does not sound like the start of a good relationship. What ever his reasons for coming on so strong, it doesnt sound like ye're a good match.

Whether your supposed to like things like loads of affection and attention dont really matter here, its whether you actually like it. And it doesnt sound like you do, in fact most (but not all) people I know would overwhelmed and more than a bit put off by that level of attention after a week or so.

I read somewhere (here on boards i think!) that if some one is really quick to declare their love and through themselves headfirst into a relationship, rather than protecting themselves from rejection like most people do to some extent, then they might have issues around relationships in general. Ask yourself, why isnt he scared of scaring you off like most people would be in the (really) early stages of a relationship.

rediguana25

Oh God I was there this time last week...I really liked this guy and immediately he assumed we were a couple and was overly tactile in public etc. It turned out to be so offputting I was so disappointed too because I really liked him but found the over eagerness a bit fake since he didn't know me v. well and a real sign of desperation.
OP be honest with yourself. Do you like him enough to continue? you feel the texts are 'cringey' - would you feel this if you really felt the same. I'd have my runners on by now but that's just me....

nowyouresix

OP: drama, drama, and more drama !
I'd be extremely wary, on the point of moving flat and changing my phone number if I were you ! While you may be the most special lady there is, his intensity is the sign of a potentially controlling and possibly emotionally abusive person.
If you continue to see him, then just explain that you are busy, studying etc,limit your time with him until you know him better, and don't get sucked in out of feeling sorry for him.
Good luck !!!

LegacyUser

I do feel the texts are a bit cringey, because they are mainly just him saying how much he misses me and wants to see me. I feel like I wouldn't mind this so much if we actually knew each other better than we do. I'm a pretty independent person and I don't really like public displays of affection, but I like it even less coming from someone who barely knows me.

I do think he's a lovely fella. He's not a bad person, and I do like him and find him attractive and such. I'm just not as expressive about it as he is. It's making me doubt his sincerity too.

I think the next time I see him, I'm just gonna tell him straight out, in plain enough language that I'm unnerved by this.

qwertytlk

Ok, he could be a bit of a creep Trying to get sex through compliments, he could also just be 'one of those' type of people. Ie. Thats his way of going on and expressing himself. But.... He could also really like you and be totally genuine!
Myself or my fiance aren't those type of ott touchy feely people BUT, when we met each other we were a bit like that cos we were absloutey crazy about each other. So you need to consider that as an option too...
Imo, whichever one it is, it doesn't sound like your anywhere near the page he is on so my advice would be (and this is only if you really do want to give it a go) to talk to him again. Tell him straight that your not into all the ott stuff, you need your own time answer space and not to be contacted continuously when your not together. See how that goes.
But tbh, i dont really see this relationship going anywhere as you just dont seem at all comfortable with any aspect of it.

Anyway good luck

pimbeche

Hi Op,

I went through the very same thing with a guy i had started seeing a few months ago. Constant texts and phone calls , very very intense . We had seen each other a few times and were " together" for maybe 3 weeks at best. He would call me every evening to see what i was up to and if i didnt answer i would get a string of texts and more missed calls.

I told him he was very intense and it made me uncomfortable but he shrugged it off and it continued.

He called me one night and started talking about how we could build a house together , which totally freaked me out . During the conversation i made a remark about cheating( i cant remember the context ) and he replied totally seriously , if you betray me id kill you.

I tried to end it after that , so cue him calling constantly asking for another chance , showing up at my house , emails , monitering me on messenger, the works. I was very freaked out and it took me months to finally be rid of him . And I mean months. he would calm down for a week or two and then start up again.

This type of behaviour that youre experiencing now , altough it may be innocent , could turn really ugly.

I would say go with your gut. I can see that you are making excuses to yourself to justify the behaviour , and I was doing the same at first, but like I said go with your gut.

If you feel that its not right , or theres something bothering you that you cant put your finger on take that a sign in itself.

This type of behaviour , calling you all the time - its like he wants to keep tabs on you . I dont know the guy but a jealous nature can often start this way- a bit intense at the start and before you know it he is questioning your every move.

It turns out for me that the guy I was seeing had a history of voilence with his ex , with extreme jealousy, so im glad I got out when i did as it would have been much harder if we were more involved.

Im not saying your guy is voilent , but if he makes you uncomfortable then realise that its not going to change , he is not going to change personality overnight.

Good Luck xx

Big Bag of Chips

No offense to you OP, as I am sure you are a lovely person! But I'd guess that he didn't suddenly just turn like this the day he met you!!

My guess is, this is how he is.. and the fact that there has been "many girls", but he wants to give it a real go with you would make me wonder did the many other girls not work out because of how he carries on.

If you are willing to give him a go, do. But don't expect him to change. If you are giving him a chance, hoping that things might get easier.. you'll be wasting your and his time!

Sorry.

aidan24326

TheBookThief wrote: »

I am also just kind of having trouble believing him when he goes on about how much he likes me and how "special" I am - he doesn't really know me, like.

TheBookThief wrote: »

I do feel the texts are a bit cringey, because they are mainly just him saying how much he misses me and wants to see me.

And all this after a week??!! Texts of 'Missing you lots' or that kind of thing are perfectly normal if you've been seeing someone for months, have fallen in love and all that stuff. But after a week it reeks of clinginess and neediness. Not good.

It doesn't sound right at all OP. You can't be that into someone after what is effectively just a few days, no matter if you were the most amazing girl on the planet. It sounds like he is either exaggerating/faking it or the guy has some issues with relationships. I'd be wary of it tbh as this all sounds miles over the top and if I was getting that kind of crazy intensity from a girl after just a week the alarm bells would be ringing bigtime.

A0

TheBookThief wrote: »

Right, so I'm gonna go unreg for this one.

Basically, I've started seeing this guy recently and in my mind it's quite a casual thing. We've only really been getting together for just over a week, but it's already getting more intense than I'd like. I think he's a really nice guy, but he's extremely eager and very, very keen to meet up all the time and have me stay at his house with him and such. I'm in college and have exams coming up shortly, so I simply don't have the time to hang out with him as much as he'd like. He's older than me and not in college, and sometimes doesn't understand when I can't meet up. He's extremely tactile and tells me how much he likes me all the time. It's nice that he likes me, but it's starting to feel a little overwhelming. He calls me a lot just to talk, even when there's nothing to say, he's constantly touching me and hugging me when we're together and often talks about how "special" I am and such. He's physically intense and it sometimes feels like an invasion of my personal space, and I get very little time to myself with the calls and cringey texts and the constant wanting to meet up. These aren't exactly bad points, and I still like him and I want to give him a chance, but he's just so intense. I told him yesterday that I felt that it was getting intense very quickly, and he just told me not to say that.

I don't know if I want to continue the relationship if it's going to be like this. I want to spend time with my friends without him hanging out of me and calling me all the time, and I need to concentrate on college work too. I've never really been in a proper relationship, and I don't really see this as a proper relationship either, but I feel like he's coming on very, very strong. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just let him express how much he claims to like me in whatever way he wants, or if I need to be more firm with him. I feel though that if I'm too firm, he'll back off completely.

Just wondering if other people have been in similar situations and if there's any advice on how I should deal with the issue.

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the length!

It sounds he's a bit pushy but having said that he might just be in love and really likes you and you are not ready for a relationship or not used to that way of being. And you say it, you've never been in a proper relationship, so it might be worth to tell him to move on as you are not interested. You might prefer a casual relationship with someone much less into it (although this has a lot of disadvantages).

A0

A0 wrote: »

It sounds he's a bit pushy but having said that he might just be in love and really likes you and you are not ready for a relationship or not used to that way of being. And you say it, you've never been in a proper relationship, so it might be worth to tell him to move on as you are not interested. You might prefer a casual relationship with someone much less into it (although this has a lot of disadvantages).

in love after a week? did you even read the post?

A0

bluewolf wrote: »

in love after a week? did you even read the post?

Ah you never know, feelings are not always easy to control. As I said in my post I agree he is pushy, but sometimes it's better than being careless, just have to find the right balance which is not easy with feelings.

And it's pointless to ask questions you have answers to. No, I didn't read the OP, and my answer was related to a thread in AH...

Mighty_Mouse

We've only really been getting together for just over a week,

He's desperate & looking to you to solve the hole in his life.
I can see this guy slowly unravelling as his manic level of neediness is not reciprocated.
Run!

LegacyUser

Throwing my +1 in with just about everyone else here; his behaviour is a red flag and this relationship is probably not a good idea, and will become a worse idea the longer it goes on. Re him just pulling this as an act to get you into bed, I doubt it, doesn't really come across that way. If he is, it's probably the best case scenario as it's easily dealt with; either it suits you or it doesn't, either way it can be brought to a head soon enough and you two can go your separate ways, or not.

The more likely scenario is the unfortunately not unusual clingy/needy/dependant type, and that's not going to make for a healthy adult relationship. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person or anything like that, just may have issues with maturity and emotional stability. Whether or not it would descend into the obsessive stalker stuff an earlier poster experienced is anyone's guess, but either way, I don't think this guy is a good idea.

If you do keep on with it, understanding mutual boundaries and communication are important. If either of those aren't working, then you really will need to put a definite end to it.

LisaLimerickR

How old is he?

Did you sleep with him yet?

LegacyUser

He's 24, and no I haven't slept with him yet. I've invited him to my place tonight to talk. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

LegacyUser

this reminds me so much of my ex, she told me she loved me inside 2 days of us being official even tho we only knew each other a month. While this caused red flags for me, i stayed with her. What happened then was a year of pure drama due to i think her low self esteem. I know now that if i hear it again so soon then I'll be doing a legger!

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd bet any money he considers you out of his league. He thinks the hollywood movie romantic guy act is the safest bet to keep you.

I don't like this type of behaviour. Its like emotional blackmail. If you want to end it with him down the line he's built up this fake intensity so you feel guilty about following through with it.

Katgurl

Ugh awful, run away OP.

I was involved with a guy like this last year, literally enraptured with me after a week, obsessed with his own (delusional) feelings and more importantly didn't listen to a word I said. He texted me around the clock, phoned me in work because he missed me and told me not to work late, wanted to see me every single evening after work, sounded put out and sulky if I'd plans.

Horrible horrible horrible experience. I finished with him which was a surreal experience because he would not accept it. Afterwards he drunkenly called me and texted me for months. He just heard what he wanted to.

Finally I had to put it to him in black and White that he was bothering me and if he didn't stop I would take legal steps.

You might think I'm being melodramatic but ask yourself this -

How can he be so sure when he doesn't know you yet?
Why didn't he listen to your objections?
Why does he have all this time to obsess over and miss you?

It's up to you but I personally could not abide being railroaded into a relationship like that.

LegacyUser

OK, so he came to my house tonight and we talked. I told him that I felt he was invading my personal space when we're together and that I thought he was quite intense. He said that he felt that it was a good thing to be intense, in the sense that people who are newly together should be all over each other. I said I didn't agree. I don't think that you need to constantly be hugging and touching someone and telling them how special they are to show that you like them. He said that he just really likes me. I said that I appreciated that, but that I need space and I'm quite an independent person and don't want to feel like I'm being restricted. he said he was fine with that, but that he just wanted to be with me a lot and really liked me as a person.

However, for the rest of the time we were together, he continued to touch me and hug me a lot. I just don't like it. The more time I spend with him, the more I'm being put off getting any more intimate because I feel like the intensity will increase ten fold if I take it any further. However, I'm starting to get a feeling that he won't take it well if I break it off. I already think I know what he'll say. Something along the lines of: 'Why won't you give it a chance?', 'I just really like you, that's why I'm intense', 'I think we should get to know each other better and then it'll be more comfortable'. I just don't think you're meant to feel this uncomfortable around someone you like though.

Sometimes though I think it's just me. I think that I'm just not used to relationship situations and that I should like this, or at least accept it as being part of the birth of a relationship.

Taltos

TheBookThief wrote: »

Sometimes though I think it's just me. I think that I'm just not used to relationship situations and that I should like this, or at least accept it as being part of the birth of a relationship.

OP it is not just you.
Look at your post.

You clearly told him that his behaviour was making you feel uncomfortable.
What was his reaction?
> Ignored your concerns.
> Continued to behave in a manner that he knows 100% makes you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry but this shows little empathy or understanding on his part and for me would be a red flag to run away screaming...
I think you are right though - when you do break it off he is likely to over-react. So do this in a public place hopefully with a friend close by.

Firetrap

There's a lot to be said too for gut instinct. By the sounds of things, you've been unsure about him from the start. With good reason as it turns out.

You are certainly not the one at fault here. If he had any respect for you at all, he'd have apologised when you first raised the issue and cooled his ardour.

This really does sound like a case of nipping proceedings in the bud. I agree with Taltos about breaking it off in a public area and having a friend nearby. This guy sounds a bit unhinged, to be honest.

A0

TheBookThief wrote: »

OK, so he came to my house tonight and we talked. I told him that I felt he was invading my personal space when we're together and that I thought he was quite intense. He said that he felt that it was a good thing to be intense, in the sense that people who are newly together should be all over each other. I said I didn't agree. I don't think that you need to constantly be hugging and touching someone and telling them how special they are to show that you like them. He said that he just really likes me. I said that I appreciated that, but that I need space and I'm quite an independent person and don't want to feel like I'm being restricted. he said he was fine with that, but that he just wanted to be with me a lot and really liked me as a person.

However, for the rest of the time we were together, he continued to touch me and hug me a lot. I just don't like it. The more time I spend with him, the more I'm being put off getting any more intimate because I feel like the intensity will increase ten fold if I take it any further. However, I'm starting to get a feeling that he won't take it well if I break it off. I already think I know what he'll say. Something along the lines of: 'Why won't you give it a chance?', 'I just really like you, that's why I'm intense', 'I think we should get to know each other better and then it'll be more comfortable'. I just don't think you're meant to feel this uncomfortable around someone you like though.

Sometimes though I think it's just me. I think that I'm just not used to relationship situations and that I should like this, or at least accept it as being part of the birth of a relationship.

Re. the part in bold: may be it's his way of showing he likes you, is he really "constantly" touching - hugging you? If yes, then leave him if he's not prepared to change, I reckon he might with time. May be he never had this feeling before (i.e., to be really attracted to someone) and he's all over the place

Having said that, it doesn't look that you are compatible. If he was to be less intense but still having a warmer than usual behaviour, would you like to be with him? If not it's better to tell him to move on. Based on the fact that you are unsure about the way he'd react, you don't have to meet him to break it off. Call or text him, that's fine, you've been together for a very short period of time...

John Mason

OP, trust me on this.

FINISH IT NOW and DO NOT under any circumstances, reply to text messages, answer phone calls or meet him to discuss the break up.

You need to get out of there fast

matt-dublin

OP, the guy is intense alright, and a lot of his talk does sound inmypantsy, at the same time it sounds like you're not overly interested in what he's looking for.

Maybe he's just not right for you.

Ickle Magoo

Regardless of how enamoured with you he is - ignoring the fact his constant pawing is making you feel uncomfortable is an almighty red flag. Given it's so early in your relationship you should both be very sensitive to what each other wants, likes and is uncomfortable with because most people are aware that doing otherwise is going to result in promptly being dumped.

The way he's ignoring your wishes, just the fact his touch is starting to creep you out - and most of all the fact you are already anticipating tantrums/stalker behaviour/goodness knows what the minute you call it off should tell you all you need to know.

Tell him it's over and not to contact you again and then ignore any and all communications - block him if you have to. If this is how he behaves in a recent and casual relationship, you do not want to get in any deeper.

All the best

Colonel Panic

TheBookThief wrote: »

O
Sometimes though I think it's just me. I think that I'm just not used to relationship situations and that I should like this, or at least accept it as being part of the birth of a relationship.

It's not just you, this is not the behaviour of an emotionally mature person and there is nothing wrong with wanting your own personal space to be respected.

I'm the same as you, quite independent and while I like all of the physical stuff that comes with a relationship, I don't want to be tethered to a person every moment I'm with them, it's just too much!

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think you are ever going to like him as much as he already does you.

Don't feel you have to justify not being interested. There's no permanent contracts in relationships.

Put it this way - if you could push a button to change history so that you never got any way involved with him, would you push it?

If the answer is yes I'd finish with him now. He's only going to get worse

trio

TheBookThief wrote: »

Sometimes though I think it's just me. I think that I'm just not used to relationship situations and that I should like this, or at least accept it as being part of the birth of a relationship.

What, accept something that makes you feel uncomfortable? Screw that! Look, you're falling into the trap of thinking that there is one classic type of relationship and you just don't know the rules yet.

Not true - as my mam used to say "For every oul foot there's an oul shoe". In other words, he may go off and find a girl who LOVES that intensity - but by the same token, you can go off and find a guy who's chilled and relaxed and....well...like you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the help, guys. It's much appreciated. I think I'm going to break it off with him, but I don't know how to do it yet. I was thinking of texting him to try and avoid the inevitable questioning and resisting, but I feel like that's kind of a bad thing to do. I also don't know if we'll be able to be friends after this either, which is kinda a shame, cos I do like him as a person, I just don't think we're compatible romantically.

Taltos

OP - if you don't make a clean break and try to stay friends there is a fairly good chance that he will feel that he is still in with a shot.

Just call him - be honest, you two are just not compatible, no need to go into the details unless pushed and end it - cleanly and simply. Obviously a face to face with a friend close by might be better but if you are uncertain that you can go through with a clean break then a call might be best.

Texting is NOT a way to break it off - as impersonal as a call is texting is 100 times worse.

A0

TheBookThief wrote: »

Thanks for all the help, guys. It's much appreciated. I think I'm going to break it off with him, but I don't know how to do it yet. I was thinking of texting him to try and avoid the inevitable questioning and resisting, but I feel like that's kind of a bad thing to do. I also don't know if we'll be able to be friends after this either, which is kinda a shame, cos I do like him as a person, I just don't think we're compatible romantically.

Just text him. And no, a friendship won't work. Male-Female friendship hardly work when both are single... there's always "something" and in your case he's really into you so it won't work as friends.

I am a friend

Definitely by phone and sooner rather than later.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Taltos wrote: »

OP - if you don't make a clean break and try to stay friends there is a fairly good chance that he will feel that he is still in with a shot.

Just call him - be honest, you two are just not compatible, no need to go into the details unless pushed and end it - cleanly and simply. Obviously a face to face with a friend close by might be better but if you are uncertain that you can go through with a clean break then a call might be best.

Texting is NOT a way to break it off - as impersonal as a call is texting is 100 times worse.

Meh don't see why really. A text is clear and unambiguous. With a call there's a risk it will stray into bending the truth to save his feelings territory.

If the guy really likes here he'll be upset anyway. Getting a call ain't gonna change that.

you can't really say it so certainly either. Maybe you would like a face to face meeting but if I was getting dumped I'd rather not have to deal with the awkwardness that brings

for a 10 day thing I think text is fine