weekend woes

LegacyUser

Hi!
Wondering if anyone has been in similar situations and can maybe shed light on this? Myself and the bf live in the galway. We've been going out for nearly two years. We live 20 minutes drive apart. For us both having (mainly him) very busy lives, we only see one another at weekends. He plays sport and so Fridays he stays in, Saturday is a match and Sundays he could be very tired. We aren't big drinkers so don't head out that much. I would normally go to his every weekend as he has the place to himself. It came up this weekend that he feels guilty about doing anything at the weekend with his friends (guys night) as he feels he should be with me as we don't see one another during the week. This had made me feel awful - why cant he just say he wants to go out? Im perfectly fine in the house on my own. Also he has being invited to a friends house abroad but told me he immediately thought..."How am i going to explain this to *me*" I cant believe he feels this way.
I hate that we feel we *have* to see one another at weekends. I love him to bits but only getting to see one another at weekends, sitting in, is taking its toll. I think I expect so much also when I see him at weekends; while he just wants to watch TV. Meeting up during the week is out of the question at the mo. Should I lead by example and just start making my own plans at weekends? Has anyone else had 'weekend boyfriends?" Sorry for big rant; just needed to get it all off my chest! Any advice is much appreciated.

Curry Addict

it sounds like he isnt adaptning to your relationship very well. hes not really available to you 6 out of 7 days in a week. he doesnt seem to be integrating you into his life. it doesnt sound like a solid relationship.

Acoshla

Why are weeknights out of the question? Ye don't live too far apart, twenty minutes isn't much. When I met my fiancé I was living in Galway city and he was living 50 minutes away, we saw each other at least 4 times a week.

Miss Fluff

You're only 20 mins apart ffs, you're beside one another! I don't see why seeing each other during the week is "out of the question". Even if he is playing sport every single night of the week surely he can take a shower after and come round to yours? Even if it's late and it's just to go to bed together or to grab a bit to eat and have some couple time.

At the moment it sounds terminally dull. It's like you're scheduled in for your few designated hours every week to go over to his to sit in and watch TV, wtf If you were even going over for a bit of a whoolie and some chandelier shaking jollies at least it would be something to look forward to but it sounds dull and all on his terms....what exactly are both of you getting out of this?

Payton

Can I ask how old you both are? What are your interests that you share
For a relationship of nearly 2 years, personally I think you BOTH should be making time for eachother during the week, even if its only for an hour or so.
You listed the things that he does like sport, what are your interests?
By all means make plans for your weekends your not exactly tied to the hip (yet) . You both really need to talk about what you want from your relationship and if it means dropping an activity during the week by both of you to see how it goes so be it. You cant have a relationship based on just weekends, but thats my 2cents worth.

shellyboo

Do either of you do shift work? That's the only reason I can possibly think of for you not seeing eachother during the week. If you both work a 9-5 there's nothing stopping you meeting up midweek at all -- you don't have to go over and stay at either of your houses if you both want to get good sleep on worknights, but why don't you meet up somewhere for dinner once in a while, or go to the cinema?

It's very odd that you live 20 minutes apart in the same city and hardly see eachother.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies. Wow - it sounds so dull seeing what im reading And yea, i think its taking its toll on me and maybe thats why im picking fights left right and center. I am up very early every morning so Im in bed at night at 10. He doesnt get home until ten. Cant stay in his during the week. He could stay in mine but its alot of hassle getting to work in the morning for him then. I asked him last night of we could meet uo during the week for an hour even and he was very open and happy about that. So we were saying we will go for a walk or something every tuesday night (he is free from nine on Tuesdays). I think, as hard as it will be, im gonna strat doing my own thing on the weekend. Going over to his and being lazy is just such an easy option but I guess its not healthy for the relationship

beks101

676advice wrote: »

I think, as hard as it will be, im gonna strat doing my own thing on the weekend.

This sounds like the beginning of the end to me OP. Can I ask, if you only see him at the weekend as it is, if you start 'doing your own thing' then when exactly are ye going to see each other? Once a fortnight? Once a month? Will you become penpals?

To be honest, you both need to sit down and figure out whether you're committed to the relationship, and if so, figure out a way to keep it alive that doesn't entail sitting together bored in front of the TV for a few hours every weekend. You're right, it is lazy and it's this lack of effort that will cause a fizzle to the whole thing if you're not careful.
You're hardly having a barrel of laughs together. What about taking a weekend away together? Taking a road trip, going shopping together or spending a night or two together during the week? If either of you gave a crap about the relationship you'd be willing to sacrifice your respective routines a few times a week for the sake of some time together, that's just what couples do.

LegacyUser

Wow, this sounds very like what I had with my ex. She and I lived about 10 to 15 minutes apart, in traffic. We saw each other Saturday nights, she wanted to sit in and watch a DVD for quality time where I [and most men I know] wanted to do anything other than lie around watching TV on a Saturday night. Like your bf, I play sport and am very active and it ended up becoming a chore to me, every week the lads would be off doing something fun but I had a sentence - I had to sit on a couch watching another chick flick. Sundays we would usually do something together too, often hanging out with my friends but I would feel guilty if I didn't spend time alone with her, quality couple time. She never complained but I don't think she knew the difference.

We were together over 4 years, and it took me that time to work out that we were completely unsuited, that it wasn't a typical guy attitude to resent having to spend time with your OH, that I shouldn't have to seek permission a week in advance and feel guilty if I wanted to hang out with my friends. I only began to resent our time after 2 years in, it felt like the norm up to then.

I ended the relationship, not sure if I was doing the right thing, hoping that every relationship wasn't the same.

Some months after, I met a girl from Cork. I'm from Galway. We met at a shared hobby, and it just felt totally different from the start. I was only managing to see my ex on Saturday nights even though we were from the same place but now I found myself meeting a girl from Cork at least 3 times a week including spending Friday evening until Sunday night with her EVERY weekend [meaning we also met two evenings during the week with us both working until 5pm]. Some weekends she came up to me and we socialised with my friends, other weekends we went to hers, other weekends we watched a DVD but it never felt boring or like hard work. It was just fun all of the time. I was still able to play sport and she was there on the sidelines supporting me, like I was with her hobbies.

The fact that she was a girl with hobbies made all of the difference to me. I've noticed with friends who are unhappy/bored with their OH, it's usually because all their OH wants to do is watch TV.

The distance didn't matter to my gf and I, I was happy to drive through the night and if I have any regrets it's for wasting that many of my ex's years as I should have cut her free a lot sooner, I just didn't realise.

Two years into my new relationship, we moved in together at a halfway point between Galway and Cork. Sure it's a long commute but it's well worth being able to come home to her every evening, even if it is too late to do anything. Being able to sleep in the same bed is enough.

We're now four years into our relationship, the novelty has not worn off as I think many people assumed it would. I still look forward to seeing her as soon as I get into my car on the drive home. We travel regularly and love spending any free time we have together.

OP - I think you are not in the right relationship for you. You deserve someone who wants to change their life to be with you. Or at the very least is willing to make a little more time than a day or two per week with you, particularly when you live under 100 miles apart.

Acoshla

676advice wrote: »

He could stay in mine but its alot of hassle getting to work in the morning for him then.

My fiancé often stayed in my house and drove the hour back to work in the morning, and I regularly did the same, sounds sad but we both were willing to sacrifice sleep and an easy commute to get to spend time with each other, whereas your solution seems to be the opposite, to decide to spend less time together at the weekends?

LegacyUser

thanks again for all the replies. As hard as it is reading them, it dows help. maybe I feel guilty asking him to come over during the week when its an awful hassle for him to get to work in the morning. He works so hard I just feel like its adding hassle where I can just see him at the weekend. We do sometimes do things like go to cinema and to dinner on teh weekend or we might go shopping. But its just hard when we both feel that we *have* to make the effort at the weekend. Its not good. So....what to do? I know he wants this relationship as do I and we have so much fun together but at the mo its just stress. Not good. But I dont want to throw away a good thing without working at it.
So maybe try meeting up during the week and then seeing what happens at the weekends....maybe go over sat if we r both free and spend sunday together....URGGG!! it would be so much easier if we just both lived together!!!

Acoshla

It probably wouldn't be much easier if ye lived together, because ye'd see each other only for mundane things, dinner, bedtime, housey chores, in between your jobs and his sports things etc, and ye would lapse into the monotony of that far quicker.

LegacyUser

thanks, yes your very right about the mundane things if we lived together. what can I do? we love each others companyn and We are so busy that I feel I should be lucky sometimes that we spend time together and be happy even if its not doing much but it has gotten to a point where I want more? Do we need to just make sure we spend more time doing couple things and see how that goes? I really just want to work at this so any advice would be great. thanks.