Family undermine me at every turn

LegacyUser

Don't know where to begin with this really but feel like just getting it written down and getting opinions might help. I'm in my late 20s and feel like certain family members are constantly undermining. Thing is I idolise these people and they were my heroes when I was growing up, so I can never bring myself to stand up for myself or be assertive, fall out with them. Basically they treat me like i'm 12 and undermine things I say. For example we were talking about something and a certain condition which I have came up, so I said "I have that" to which I was told "You don't have that." This is not the first time comments like this have been made and unless they have been constantly looking every inch of me, spending 24 hours with me, how would they know? And how can someone make such a remark as No You Don't!!!!! I hate to play the woe is me card and I have always tried to get ahead in life which has been very very hard for me at times and recently when talking about stuff by these relatives I was told "you're doing alright" to be honest I work that hard and am broke the whole time, struggling to pay for a course that if I thought I was just doing "alright" I wouldn't bother. Would it be hard to say "Well done, i'm proud of you". That's mostly from one family member, where as the other one treats me like i'm a baby. Don't know what to achieve from posting here, but maybe some people can offer some methods to deal with this?

WesternNight

It sounds like you need to think about why you idolise the people who you feel undermine you. If they make you feel undermined, why do you idolise them?

I'd try the obvious approach - speak to them. When they say something that makes you feel undermined, say "when you say things like that, it makes me feel x, y, z". If you don't say anything then nothing will change.

Firetrap

Maybe it's time to remove the scales from your eyes and stop viewing these people as your heroes. It's fine to admire what they've done but they are not worthy of being idolised. Nobody is. If they're patronising you and dismissing you like that, are they really that wonderful? You're in your late 20s. You're talking like you're a kid of 7 or 8.

I think you also should stop seeking validation from them. Some people don't dish out praise easily and others are too wrapped up in themselves to see what others have achieved. You should be doing all these things for one person. You. I hope you're proud of yourself. If these relatives are too selfish and unwilling to see you as an adult who is doing well in their own right, is their praise really worth pursuing?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Maybe it's time to remove the scales from your eyes and stop viewing these people as your heroes. It's fine to admire what they've done but they are not worthy of being idolised. Nobody is. If they're patronising you and dismissing you like that, are they really that wonderful? You're in your late 20s. You're talking like you're a kid of 7 or 8.

I think you also should stop seeking validation from them. Some people don't dish out praise easily and others are too wrapped up in themselves to see what others have achieved. You should be doing all these things for one person. You. I hope you're proud of yourself. If these relatives are too selfish and unwilling to see you as an adult who is doing well in their own right, is their praise really worth pursuing?

I don't understand why you say i'm talking like a kid? They are not all bad, it's only one part of them but never the less it's upsetting me. I am proud of myself and want a great life for myself.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have always looked up to them, they will have picked up on that. And if you still look up to them then the dynamic of your relationship hasn't changed. They still see you as the "kid".

Have you ever heard the comedian Russell Kane speaking about his father? He ssys how his mother used to always tell him, "your dad IS proud of you.. just in private". So the family member may well be proud of you, but will never say it out loud.

Quite often when a child becomes an adult, the people who have always been the adults in the relationship (parents, aunts, uncles) find it very hard to see the "new adult" as anything but a child.

I am married 9 years, I have 3 children, we own our house, no mortgage.. my mother and 1 aunt in particular still treat me like a child! If I need to return something to a shop, my mother still talks me through the procedure!!

The older adults in your life have always been the adults. You have always been the child. It will take a lot of effort from you to help them realise that you are not a child. That will only come with time and with you speaking up for yourself. Holding your own in an adult conversation, and letting them know that you know a bit more than they think you do.

If you continue to "idolise" them and "look up to them", they will continue to look down on you and see themselves as being more superior, mature etc than you.

Ickle Magoo

I think most people look up to family members as they grow up but usually as we get older we start to see the faults and cracks appear...if that hasn't happened for you then you need to sit yourself down and give yourself a serious talking to. These are people, just people, they aren't perfect, they aren't idols, they will be well capable of unhealthy, negative, hurtful behaviour and each time they do it, they deserve to drop a peg or two in your estimations.

You should be living life for you, not to get a pat on the head from anyone else - I think you need to take a serious look at how reliant on their praise and validation you are and ask yourself why that is. It's little wonder they treat you like you are 12 if you cling onto the same childhood idolatry and put so much worth on their opinion that they haven't moved on from the parent/child dynamic into the adult/adult.

If you really want them to treat you as an adult then you need to act like an adult - and that means standing up for yourself, being asserting or even falling out with them temporarily if that's what it takes - that's going to earn you far more respect than letting them walk all over you and pining about not getting their approval.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think most people look up to family members as they grow up but usually as we get older we start to see the faults and cracks appear...if that hasn't happened for you then you need to sit yourself down and give yourself a serious talking to. These are people, just people, they aren't perfect, they aren't idols, they will be well capable of unhealthy, negative, hurtful behaviour and each time they do it, they deserve to drop a peg or two in your estimations.

You should be living life for you, not to get a pat on the head from anyone else - I think you need to take a serious look at how reliant on their praise and validation you are and ask yourself why that is. It's little wonder they treat you like you are 12 if you cling onto the same childhood idolatry and put so much worth on their opinion that they haven't moved on from the parent/child dynamic into the adult/adult.

If you really want them to treat you as an adult then you need to act like an adult - and that means standing up for yourself, being asserting or even falling out with them temporarily if that's what it takes - that's going to earn you far more respect than letting them walk all over you and pining about not getting their approval.

All the best.

I don't cling onto it, but I do expect to be treated with respect and like an adult. I've been independant since 18 and have never once depended on any of my family for financial support or anything else for that matter. That's why it annoys me i've done more than enough to prove myself as a responsible adult. I don't care so much if they don't praise me but rather they say nothing at all than say something negative or hurtful.

Ickle Magoo

If you are in your late twenties and won't stand up for yourself when people put you down due to historic childhood idolatry then you're certainly clinging onto something...

Expecting to be treated with respect is at complete odds with "I can never bring myself to stand up for myself or be assertive, fall out with them" - sometimes we have to demand respect..and expect others to earn our respect.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If you are in your late twenties and won't stand up for yourself when people put you down due to historic childhood idolatry


Expecting to be treated with respect is at complete odds with "I can never bring myself to stand up for myself or be assertive, fall out with them" - sometimes we have to demand respect..and expect others to earn our respect.

Maybe your right about the bit in bold.

Well i've more than earned their respect, i've been through more in my whole life than they have combined and have had to deal with a lot of responsibility that I shouldn't have had to, basically mothered one of my siblings for years, so I don't know what I need to do to get them to treat my like an adult.

LegacyUser

You asked in your opening posts for methods to deal with this.
People have responded and basically told you that if you wanted to be treated with respect that you will just have to bite the bullet and stand up to them. You have also been advised to stop idolising them, and that you should be more interested in being proud of yourself, and that you don't need their approval or praise.
You said that you are already proud of yourself, so what's the problem?
If it is that you feel that they don't treat you with respect, then you have already been told how to deal with this, ie. speak with them, stand up for yourself etc.
I don't know how else you expect people to reply to your post?

I think that the person who said that you sound like you are 7 or 8 year old, is alluding to the fact that you come across as very anxiously seeking approval in your first post - something younger children do.
You haven't responded to any of the advice you've been given, just seem a little defensive such as by saying that you are not talking like a kid, and that you are not clinging onto idolising them. You seem more interested in contradicting/defending what you said in the op, than actually taking some of the advice on board.

It's very simple. Speak with them and tell them how you feel.
Demand respect by standing up for yourself.

If you are not willing to do either, then there is very little advise anyone else can offer you.

LegacyUser

ttttttttttttt wrote: »

You asked in your opening posts for methods to deal with this.
People have responded and basically told you that if you wanted to be treated with respect that you will just have to bite the bullet and stand up to them. You have also been advised to stop idolising them, and that you should be more interested in being proud of yourself, and that you don't need their approval or praise.
You said that you are already proud of yourself, so what's the problem?
If it is that you feel that they don't treat you with respect, then you have already been told how to deal with this, ie. speak with them, stand up for yourself etc.
I don't know how else you expect people to reply to your post?

I think that the person who said that you sound like you are 7 or 8 year old, is alluding to the fact that you come across as very anxiously seeking approval in your first post - something younger children do.
You haven't responded to any of the advice you've been given, just seem a little defensive such as by saying that you are not talking like a kid, and that you are not clinging onto idolising them. You seem more interested in contradicting/defending what you said in the op, than actually taking some of the advice on board.

It's very simple. Speak with them and tell them how you feel.
Demand respect by standing up for yourself.

If you are not willing to do either, then there is very little advise anyone else can offer you.

If it was very simple, I would have done it a long time ago. Obviously it is an issue for me or I would not have posted it here. It's very easy to say it's simple when it's something you have done your whole life.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah... so if this has been the dynamic your whole life, why do you think they are suddenly going to see you in a different light.

Pulling them up on things doesn't have to be done in a confrontational way. If you are confident in yourself, you will come across as confident (more mature!) in your dealings with them. If you are weak and unsure and afraid to speak up, they will always see you as the weak one.

Be confident in yourself, what you are doing and what your beliefs are. If you're not easily swayed by people, those people will learn to respect you for your confidence.. without any great fall out.

You shouldn't be looking for their acceptance, praise or validation. You should be happy with yourself, then it won't matter what they think, and only then will they respect you as an adult.

Firetrap

Getting defensive about what people are saying here isn't going to help. You need to take a look at how you behave in their presence and ask yourself why you have not earned their respect.

Let's go back to a line from your first post. The idolising thing has already been dealt with here. I really hope you're still not idolising them at 28 years of age. Maybe that's part of your problem?

Thing is I idolise these people and they were my heroes when I was growing up, so I can never bring myself to stand up for myself or be assertive, fall out with them.

This I think is the crux of the matter. Why on earth not? The longer you shirk away from this, the longer you'll be treated as a kid. Without sounding cruel, you're going to have to acquire a backbone and stand up for yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. Just to clarify I wasn't been defensive I was trying to explain the situation. I guess this is a bigger issue than I thought judging by the responses, will have to work on it.