Marriage

LegacyUser

Will try to keep this short. Myself and the other half are together 10 and a half years and have a very good relationship. We also have a 2 year old son... which wasn't planned but we love him to bits and are delighted he's here.
I want to get married, the other half doesn't.
He's quiet and shy and is completely and utterly allergic to having any kind of attention on him so any mention of a wedding sends shivers down his spine.
He has never been to anything outside of the norm where weddings are concerned. I've tried to explain to him that i don't want a big wedding but he thinks all weddings have to happen in a church etc etc.

So tonight I bit the bullet. Told him that I wanted to get married, would like to book a small wedding for next May with just our family there, have a civil ceremony so no hotel and not tell anyone until 2/3 weeks beforehand, not even our families to keep the fuss down.
He hasn't said much, I know i caught him on the hop and he always takes time to digest things.
I told him to have a think about it and i'd ask him what he thought on Sunday.

So now i wait. But I'm unsure of what my reaction will be if he says no. I'll be hurt because up to now I've known he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't like big occassions like that. But if he says no to something small with just family etc then I know it will hurt that he doesn't want to marry me.
Do I finish a good relationship because he won't step up and get married or do I stay and as my friends start getting married start to get resentful because it's not me. My head is so messed up.

Taltos

Hi OP, both my OH and I are from huge families and there were weddings both sides. For different reasons to you we went the legal route and got married abroad on holidays. Due to wherewe chose no one and I mean no one came with us.
Maybe that is another option? Who knows maybe even family is too much for your OH....

However, are you 100% certain as to why he doesn't want to get married? Some people are just against it and being fair to him what makes your desire for the paper and rings any more valid than his desire not to? Please think about this carefully, I am not saying you are wrong to want to force the issue but you may have created a seed of resentment by forcing him to do something he is either not ready for or just does not want.

Firetrap

+1 to what Taltos said. You're on a fine line between showing the initiative and dragging himself up the aisle. I like the idea of a wedding abroad. I've friends who did that, not because of shyness but to escape some sticky family politics. Maybe suggesting something like that might suit better?

Neyite

It really depends on his real reason for not getting married - if it is a fear of the big hoopla that is typical, then your idea is something that should appeal to him. However, if he said that it was the big weddings lark holding him back but in reality does not want the legal commitment to you, then he may see it as an ultimatum.

I know a couple who went away on a holiday - just the two of them as he was a very shy guy and would have had nightmares about even a small civil ceremony. So off they went, had 2 hotel workers as witnesses, had a built in honeymoon and y'know what, all their families were grand about it in the end.

All you can do is wait and see what he says.

Dolbert

Well done for talking to him OP, you are perfectly entitled to an answer. Ten years and one child later, he should know what he wants by now. Either way you will know where you stand, which is better than waiting and wondering. I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice. I will take it all on board.
We had a discussion around this time last year where he told me it wasn't that he didn't want to marry me he just couldn't handle the fuss. My ideal would be a small civil ceremony and I really want my parents present but I know him and i know he would probably still feel uncomfortable.
I will wait till tomorrow and see what he says. If he says no to what i suggested last night I'm going to ask him about going on holidays and getting married while there, telling no-one and just come back and announce it.
If he says no to that then I really think I need to seriously think things through. I don't know if I could remain in a relationship knowing that he refused to marry me. I don't want my son to grow up in a split home but I also don't want to have settle for someone who won't make that commitment.

Dolorous, thanks for your kind words. I think I have grown up a lot this year. If this was last year I probably would have started an argument over the whole thing but now i'm just laying it out there, being calm and rational and will wait for his response.

S23

I'd echo what Tatlos said. He may not desire to get married and he's entitled to that as much as you are to want to. You've been together a long time and everything seems to be perfectly fine. He's committed to you and you have a child that you both love.

You finish by saying do you give up a perfectly good relationship because he won't 'step up' get married or stay as your friends start to get married and you get resentful.

Personally I think that's ridiculous. My friend got married so I want to? That, to me, is utterly childish. It's something a kid would say. My friend has that and I want one and if I don't get it I'm going to throw a huff.

There could be many reasons he doesn't want to get married. I'd advise you to engage in a full and frank discussion about it. It seems to me, from the limited amount you've said, everything is fine in your relationship on a day to day level. So as things stand there is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship in terms of how it functions.

You really need to keep focus on the fact that he's entitled to not want to get married just as much as you're entitled to want to get married. Both are perfectly valid standpoints.

Personally I think a real discussion is whats needed rather than you saying ' I want to do x,y and z in May, think about it and get back to me on Sunday'. As much as you want to get married you don't want to end up backing him into a corner and he just goes along with it and he gets married against his wishes. Then he's the one that'll end up being resentful of being forced into something he didn't want to do.

Miss Fluff

asdfasdfadouj wrote: »

So tonight I bit the bullet. Told him that I wanted to get married, would like to book a small wedding for next May with just our family there, have a civil ceremony so no hotel and not tell anyone until 2/3 weeks beforehand, not even our families to keep the fuss down.
He hasn't said much, I know i caught him on the hop and he always takes time to digest things.
I told him to have a think about it and i'd ask him what he thought on Sunday.

I think rather than set our criteria AND a deadline of Sunday for him why don't you actually discuss this with him as a couple? If I were in his shoes I'd feel pretty blindsided tbh, regardless of what has gone on before. I am sure between you you can come up with a compromise that will make you both happy - but both of you have to agree on it in the first place!

LegacyUser

He said yes