Finding it hard to meet people, what can I REALLY do to improve it?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I hope this comes across right but I admit to being a little frustrated and not knowing what to do.

So the issue is simple. As many have asked before, I'm just not good at meeting girls. It's very rare that someone would be attracted to me in any way and it's just getting to me.

I live in the U.S. now. I have a good job. I have my own car and apartment. I'm not Brad Pitt but I'm not REALLY bad looking or anything just normal. I think I'm a decent enough guy, I'd always treat a girl I dated well. I don't mean any of that in a bragging way. I just mean that in most other parts of my life, I think I've got my stuff together and am a decent person.

I just don't know how to meet girls and if I do how to attract them. I'm not asking about PUA (I know it's banned) and is frowned upon but given everything else. How then do I try to improve myself?

I went through a breakup a while back and while it was heart wrenching, I'm past it now, ut what makes me feel bad is just not being able to get on with my life and just try to get back out there.

In most areas of my life I'm just the sort of person where if I see a problem, I try to fix it and in most cases I can, but the only answer I ever hear is just grin and bare it and suffer on.

I just don't know anymore. I'd just like to know how to improve myself in order to be attractive to people as I think other areas of my life are pretty good and it shouldn't be this hard. I don't just want to sleep with girls, I genuinely want to just meet someone I could take out a few times with the potential for a relationship forming.

I just don't know where to go or who to ask anymore but there MUST be something I can do for myself to get this area of my life back in order.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate any and all advice.

Taltos

All as noted by the OP any discussion of PUA is not permitted here, attempts to do so even if disguised will result in warnings and/or bans.

Thanks
Taltos

cafecolour

I'm not entirely clear on your problem: Is that you are having trouble meeting women, or that the women you are meeting aren't interested in you?

Suggestions for meeting women:

- Try online dating

- Join a singles group in your area (check something like meetup.com)

- Start doing an activity/club that legitimately interests you, but also tends to have a good gender balance - no MMA or car racing . I.e. you could volunteer (soup kitchen, animal center, political group), join a group (book club), do a sport (kickball and softball are the U.S.'s 'tag rugby' - i.e. done often in work/local groups and more for the drinking than the sport. Often they require a 50/50 gender split for certain leagues).


In the above situations, you can meet women and be able to get to know them casually, rather than trying to hit it off immediately in a club. So be presentable, be confident, and don't come on too strong.

Ickle Magoo

IME attraction is only partly aesthetics and mostly down to confidence. We have what we have in the looks department but we can always work on our confidence in whatever way we most need it - either in therapy, in the gym, have a wardrobe make over, etc - perhaps ask a female friend/family member for some guidance?

As cafecolour suggests, meeting the opposite sex while doing an activity or hobby is a great way of getting relaxed and confident in female company as well as romantic possibilities. It also has the added bonus of widening your social circle which means more opportunity for meeting/being introduced to friends/friends of friends either at the activity or while socialising.

All the best. :cool:

LegacyUser

The problem is both. I dont know where to meet people and if I do it just goes nowhere.

Ok, so here's the thing... you just gave the standard advice, but really.

1. Online Dating. Tried it, it's more demoralizing than a bar. Message as many people as you can manage and watch as the tumble weeds blow by... really?

2. Join a Singles Club. This is one I get a lot... what IS a singles club? I have never known someone who attented a "singles club" or ever heard of such a thing. What does everyone do? Meet in a room and stand in an evenly spaced circle discussing their cats? I don't understand. I've never seen one, I don't know what it is, I have googled and never come across one yet everyone says to joing one. What am I missing?

3. Volunteering. Honestly, tried it. But two points. I'm in the US. Going to a soup kitchen means meeting 99% crusty hippies, and no, I am not talking about the poor homeless folks who need to go there, I mean the people who work there. And two, lets be honest again, I'm asking how I improve my life to meet someone and start a relationship, not how do I sabotage myself into the friend zone again and again.

This is why I'm asking what can someone REALLY do. I mean REALLY. I'm not just accepting I will be miserable for the rest of my life and there must be a solution and I want to find it.

Ickle Magoo

So how do you think everyone else does it then? People find their partners under all manner of circumstances, it hardly begins and ends at singles clubs and soup kitchens!

TBH, I'm starting to think negativity is your biggest issue - being single shouldn't = the mindset of being miserable and if it does then you are likely to scare off any potential mate. I really don't think there is any magic line or conversation that miraculously makes women who don't find you attractive, suddenly find you attractive - it's just a question of puting yourself out there and meeting enough people that eventually you find one/some that like you back....laws of averages and all that.

What activities can you do and what activities are available to do in your local area? What about your friends - is there no singletons you can be introduced to via them? If there is nothing that suits you then start something that does - get inventive!

LegacyUser

LostInTheUSA wrote: »

This is why I'm asking what can someone REALLY do. I mean REALLY. I'm not just accepting I will be miserable for the rest of my life and there must be a solution and I want to find it.

As with Ickle Magoo, I'm getting the impression that at least part of the problem here is negativity. It's certainly coming strongly from your posts here, and frankly, if there's more than a hint of it elsewhere in your life, it's a) going to sabotage you and your own activities and b) going to put off anyone who might have otherwise been attracted to you.

Another (possibly related) point that springs to mind is the part I've bolded above. If you feel that not being in a relationship is making you miserable, the solution to that isn't a relationship. You need to get yourself sorted out first and meet somebody second, if and/or when it happens. If you can't handle being single, you almost certainly won't handle a relationship. Having difficulty keeping on top of one person's issues isn't a good foundation to start dealing with two and a half people's issues - in a relationship, you'll still have your issues, plus some of your partner's issues, plus you-and-your-partner's issues. Unless both of you are pretty well grounded to start with, it's not likely to go well.

Re specific advice, whether it's what you want to hear or not, the previous suggestions are sound; activities, friends, work and occasionally more focussed efforts like online dating/speed dating, etc appear to be how most people meet their partners. With the possible exception of online dating, trying hard to meet someone generally doesn't work, and works less well the harder you try. Best go out, socialise, enjoy yourself and take what happens to arise from that. To be blunt, in my experience, desperation is not attractive, leads nowhere, and is easily picked up on by most people.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
OP here again.

Ok I appreciate the comments. I'll take on board that it came across very negative. If it's any use explaining, I think that on the surface I have a good life. I have a decent solid job, things appear like I have a lot going for me and I'd like to think I'm a nice and cheerful guy and treat those around me well. I think that's the frustrating part though, to genuinely be a good, fun, nice enough guy around people but sometimes it feels like it's not enough and given the nature of this anonymous board, it's a little easier to let my frustrations out here. I'm not really going to go to friends/family ranting and raving because its not my way.

Like i said though. It often feel like it's never enough. Not to harp on my ex but what ended up causing the most problems was nothing was ever good enough. I'd take her out every weekend, I'd pay to treat her to dinners, drinks, movies, shows or whatever. I'd always be happy and loving around her and just tried to be as good a boyfriend as I could. But it just felt like it was never good enough, whatever i did, she wanted better. Although I have a pretty good job, her family insisted on telling everyone she was dating a doctor as they didn't perceive my own job as being good enough to tell people. And personally I think I worked hard and am very proud to be what I am. Things like that. And it's not just with her, it's happened in the past too, so I'm just using that as an example. Just being a good, honest, caring guy often seems to fall flat.

That was my point about online dating. I'm not a bad looking guy, I mean there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fairly fit and ok looking even if I'm not a rock star but you're being judged on a small 50x50 picture and it just feels "good" isn't good enough. And the whole thing becomes more demoralizing that it should be. First impressions are everything. Girls list all the nice qualities they want in a guy but then have no problem completely skipping by him as he doesn't look like a movie star. It just baffles me sometimes what I am doing wrong.

It's not even a case that I am unable to be alone. As I said, my life is otherwise pretty good. I do hear the point come up a lot about having to love yourself first and that's the reason I'm saying that, I genuinely have a decent life in other areas, it's not to boast, it's to say I'm happy with other areas of my life. But what is wrong with wanting to share it with someone? I don't really see why that's a bad thing? I'm not going around all weird and desperate. I'd just like to be better at being able to take the opportunity to meet people but I'm finding it difficult, I admit.

I'm a sort of methodical guy. If I see a problem, I find ideas to fix it and go about it. It's just that sometimes I find this is an area I can't. I'm not great at taking the opportunities that come my way or when they do I tend to get walked on and it does get frustrating at times.

Look, I hope that explains some of it. As I said, I hope others would see me as a good guy in "real" life but to be honest we all have to let off some frustrations sometimes and I just thought here would be appropriate.

Ickle Magoo

LostInTheUSA wrote: »

Although I have a pretty good job, her family insisted on telling everyone she was dating a doctor as they didn't perceive my own job as being good enough to tell people.

:eek: Well dodged, OP - what a bunch of loons!

There really is a world of difference between acknowledging your successes and genuinely loving yourself - and I wouldn't be surprised if your self-esteem took an almighty knock from being made to feel you weren't good enough...and it's hard to judge who is going to be attractive from a picture - some photograph better than others and some are much more attractive in terms of their chat and demeanour than their more aesthetically pleasing peers.

It comes down to finding activities where you can meet and get chatting to the opposite sex so they have a chance of seeing all your best features in action and not skimming over a picture and personality CV. Have a look in the local papers/local supermarket notice-boards/online and see what's happening in your locale and see if you can't broaden your social circle that way?

Katy89

op, reading your posts I get the impression your main issue at the mo is that you're trying too hard. you describe yourself in a very detailed way. everybody believes you're a nice person! but I'm not sure if you believe it yourself and that's the most important bit.

I can only agree with the other posters, try to get over your negative thinking, don't dwell over the past girl and her family anymore as there are so many people who are not like that, take things as they come, don't pressurize yourself or others.

I always think the best way to meet people in a relaxed way is doing some sport, joining a club, there are so many in- and outdoor activities these days it's almost hard to decide which one to do...and there you can meet girls without being obvious in first place you're looking for a partner:D

good luck!

Tabitharose

you remind me of a friend of mine, he was very anxious to meet a girl who'd take his fancy, tried online dating - hated it... then he joined this group where you go out to dinner as a group - think his one was done in groups of 8 (4 men 4 women) He found the first one really enjoyable, and is now living with the girl he met at the second one.... not suggestion it would happen that quickly for others, but he also kept in touch with a few of the guys that he met at the dinners too, so although a girlfriend was his ultimate goal, he got some good new friends out of it too - would something like that be of interest? He did it in Dublin, but I'm sure you'd find something similar where you are... Good luck OP;)